7.12.2010

Queer Abby & Matters of the Heart

So I went ahead and made the executive decision to permanently move our weekly advice column, Queer Abby, from Fridays to Mondays. I'm pretty excited about it because I very rarely get to make executive decisions that don't involve the fat content of my milk or whether or not to put pants on. So I'm relishing this moment. *
Relish.*

In case you just moved here from Michigan because your dad got transferred and you don't quite know what's up or where to sit at lunch, Queer Abby is our weekly advice column where you write in your life questions and DC's foremost lesbian-about-town, Amy, gives you honest, hard-hitting advice. And then I throw in my two sense which is usually unhelpful, but moderately interesting. Got a question? Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!

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Dear Queer Abby,

I am a gay lady in my early 20s and I've recently moved to a new city and entered the outside of college dating scene. I've been casually dating this girl for a few months and she's wonderful. We always have a ton of fun when we hang outshe's really laid back, she has a great sense of humor, she's hot. The only problem is that we are pretty much occupy opposite poles in terms of political affiliation. We are both socially liberal about some thingslove the gays, love abortions, love drugs, love atheismbut who our age isn't? The problem is that she is extremely fiscally conservative. Sometimes the things she says make me think she grew up on a different planet. I don't want it to seem like I can't stand to be around someone with opinions different than my own, but when she told me she voted for McCain, I almost choked on my own spit. I mean, I think my Dad voted for McCain, but I didn't get to choose my Dad, you know? Plus, he's old. She's said some things that I perceive as kind of racist, and I think she might even be a Tea Party sympathizer (supremely dislikes Obama and I thinnnkkk might believe he is not a citizen). I try not to ask too many questions because it is so clear that we will disagree. Though, when we have discussed these things she is generally respectful of my side. On the whole, she is much more outspoken than I am about her problems with the government, public assistance, immigration, healthcare reform, blah blah blah. I feel nervous to let her meet any of my friends for fear that she will say something totally repulsive in front of them. If that day ever comes, should I ask her to watch herself? Is that totally out of line? And on a broader scale, can two people with such entirely different world views make a relationship work? I am feeling like things are becoming less casual, but should I just end it now? Sometimes it feels like I am dating a crazy TeaPartyingLibertarianBirther zealot. But, when we aren't talking politics we have such a good time. Did I mention that she's really hot? Most of my friends are wayyyy more liberal than I am, so they can't really comprehend speaking to a registered Republican (and fucking one? forget about it!). I am in need of your level-headed advice, please!

Thank you!

Liberal Lover

As for your first question, yes, it can be okay to ask people to censor themselves in certain situations for the sake of keeping the peace and respecting other people’s feelings… but that’s not what this is. What you’re describing sounds a lot less like, “Don’t mention cats in front of Kevin; his just got hit by a car” and a lot more like “I’m pretty sure you’re bat-shit crazy… but maybe if I don’t ask the right questions and you agree to pipe down around my friends, I can obscure and deny it until something changes.” Would you agree?

As for your bigger questions, lots of couples have differing political views and are just fine. The thing is it’s just not hugely important to them. Like they don’t see it as a defining aspect of themselves and others, and they probably rarely talk about it. However, LL, if the vast majority of your friends have a similar political bent to your own, then I think it’s safe to say that’s a fairly predominant part of who you are and what kind of people you’re attracted to—platonically or otherwise. Likewise, if she’s that outspoken and adamant about such strong/marginal/radical (read: racist and bigoted) perspectives, then you’re right, it speaks to her worldview and who she is on a deeper level. And yea, those don’t have to match up exactly, but it’s really difficult/impossible for two people who don’t share at least similar worldviews to have any sort of sustainable relationship.

But most importantly, LL, you don’t value and respect her opinions, which is totally fine (I personally don’t either) but that’s kind of a fundamental element of healthy relationships. I mean, you take the sex out of this and it sounds like you wouldn’t even want to be friends with her... So, I guess you could just let it play out for dating’s sake alone, but there are plenty of hot people out there and I think your time would be much better spent around people whose positions you don’t find repulsive.

Oh man. I have so many comments. First and foremost, looks like someone went to the Meghan McBlogger School of Em-Dashery, hmmm? @a_trout must be rolling in his grave this morning.

Second and secondmost, "Don't Mention Cats In Front of Kevin" is the name of my newest band. And I think we might be a Butthole Surfers Cover Band...?

Third and thirdmost, remember last week when someone casually dropped the word "niggles" into their question? I can honestly say that that's been the best part of my summer so far, hands down. And you know how depressing that sounds? Well that's
exactly how depressing it is.

Now for my actual advice: you should ask Becca. She's in a similar boat. Except it's not sailing through a sea of ladies. (As far as I know...) Becca's fiance, Geoff, is a Republican from a military family. Becca's a Democrat and 99.9% of all McBlogger family dinner conversation revolves around the shared goal of hugging Tim Gunn or what Joan Rivers said that day on QVC. But despite their overwhelmingly different backgrounds and political affiliations, those two crazy kids made it work. What's their secret? I'm pretty sure they have a "Let's Never Talk About Politics Together. Ever." policy and although that may not be the most "mature" way to go about it; I kind of think it's the best way to go.

Relationships should have the same rules as bars: no discussing religion or politics and half-price apps from 5-7. But keep in mind that that's a two-way street. I think it's completely fair to ask your lady to avoid the klan talk for a night if you ask your friends to stop talking about running their Hybrids on 100% emissions-free liberal tears. There's always other stuff to talk about, right? I mean, have you seen the wedding episode of Bethenny Getting Married?

Dear Queer,

Alright, so around 3 years back I started dating this girl, and it went pretty well, then just got better after that. We had a bunch in common, we were fairly open even farther down the road, and it was all good. After around a year she moved to a town on the other side of the State, she started lying a lot and I lost trust in her, then she ended it the next year when I wasn't home, and left a note on my bed. Not even taking into consideration how immature that was, that's not the point.

Right after she ended things with me, she dated this other guy for a little more than half a year, then he got over-protective and it ended. That whole time after 4 months or so, we became friends, had a fight, made up, had a fight, you get it. After they broke up, we started talking a lot more, then around a month ago we actually started spending time together in person, which kind of prevented another fight. It seemed like she was anxious all the time, and it was pretty apparent that she liked me again, and there were definitely hints coming from her friends.

Then a couple weeks ago, we were hanging out with a few more friends and she sent a text to one of the people that were there, but that friend got up and left her phone, in this case right near me, and it read "I just really, really like him." This Friday, we spent time together the whole day and just flat out had a conversation, and it was just so natural and easy, and I thought I was starting to like her again. Ok, finally on to the question part.

Around a week ago, she went to this party in a neighboring town and that's all I heard, but I recently found from one of my friends overhearing a conversation between a guy that was there and a group of his friends, that she hooked up with him after he drove them to the beach around 2:30 in the morning. I know it's true, because I brought it up to her last night and she came clean and straight out told me.

Now, question (sorry...=/ ) why did she do that? Like, if she was set on liking me, and I know for SURE that she has no interest in her other relationship, why would she go and do that when she wanted to take things slow for BOTH of the relationships she had? Should I still go for her? Thanks, sorry it was so long =/.

- Random Life Conflict.

Because she doesn’t know what she wants, that’s why. That doesn’t make her a bad person or anything-- for every reason there is to avoid a relationship with someone, there are always other reasons why it would be great. But usually that’s an ‘it would be great if…’ and you cannot hang your hopes on ‘if’. All you have is what’s in front of you. And what you have in front of you is someone who has proven on more than one occasion that she’s not convinced enough about what she wants to commit to doing it right. I mean she might totally like you, but it’s really easy to not fuck something up if you KNOW it’s what you want, and she is sucking at this.

Don’t take it personally though; this is about her. All you can do is act accordingly based on what you need and what she’s demonstrated thus far, which is that she’s mainly focused on herself and gratifying her immediate needs. And again, that’s okay, but let’s call a spade a spade and recognize that you’ll be much better off dedicating your time and energy to someone who has their shit figured out and will show more regard for your feelings than it sounds like she has in the time you’ve known her.

I know this is going to sound cruel, but did you ever factor in that she might just be kind of a whore? I say this not to be an asshole and more-so to drive home the point that she probably does really like you, but liking you and being a whore aren't mutually exclusive. You really want to know why she hooked up with that guy that night? Because you weren't there, he was, she was wasted on Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers, the ocean air was whizzing up her denim mini-skirt and she thought to herself, "Hey! I bet if I give this guy a handie in the back of his Camry, I'll totally forget about those 15-pounds that I can't seem to lose!"

That is why she did that. So what you need to do is ask yourself if that's the kind of girl you want to stress over to the point of writing in to advice columns about it.

(Jesus, Meg...that felt kind of harsh. Here's a picture of Bartles & Jaymes to soften the blow.)

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Dear Queer Abby,
OK, I'm going to come right out and say it: I'm in love with my gay best friend and have been ever since I met him. I'm also kind of in a dry spell at the moment, which only makes it worse. Unfortunately my college also is pretty much THE worst place to meet dateable guys imaginable... Suggestions on how to move on slash meet some guys who aren't completely sketch?
Diana the Dateless


Dear DD,

Before giving you advice on moving on, I’m inclined to ask if you’ve completely ruled out the possibility of having something with your bestie. I mean, maybe it’s worth telling him how you feel (or at least hooking up with him) if there may be a glimmer of hope… But, assuming you’ve considered and ruled out that option, then yea, the trick is just getting out there and meeting other guys. After you’ve been genuinely interested in a couple of other people, this should fade (and if it doesn’t, you’ll need to sack up and make a play for him, but that’s another column).

So, I’m not sure of your situation and location exactly, but here are some suggestions:

- Duh, Online- Try okcupid, match.com, gay.com, adam4adam, gaydar.co.uk (which lists some US cities as well) or outinamerica, which has sites for lots of cities so you could actually try outin.com. I was told it’s also possible to meet people for an actual date on the more sex-oriented sites like manhunt, etc., you just have to be clear up front about what you’re looking for.

- Bars- I’m not sure how old you are, but most gay bars in college towns (especially those relatively isolated from ‘gay hubs’) have at least one 18 and up night a week and probably draw people from neighboring cities as well.

- Volunteering- Check out community centers for gay youth or your schools GLBT resource center. Or, if you don’t have GLBT centers or orgs nearby, try HIV prevention programs or clinics, or look up the Mpowerment Project, which has safe sex outreach groups around the country. Along the same lines, you can also meet guys at fundraisers for any of the above.

- Performing Arts- I swear I’m not trying to be a dick, but you seriously might want to consider hanging out in or around the theater, choir, dance, marching band or cheerleading circles at your school.

...And in the off chance you’re actually a girl who emailed me from a guy friend’s email account for the sake of anonymity… uh, sorry for the useless advice and, trust me, you’re not ready for a relationship.


Wait, I'm confused. To clarify: you're a straight female who is in love with your gay male best friend, correct? Because if so:

DO NOT. BE. THAT. GIRL.

It's girls like you who give girls like me a bad name and it pisses me right off. When people hear that I have a lot of gay guy friends, here's what they automatically assume about me:

1.) I'm a virgin.

2.) I'm secretly in love with every single one of my gay male friends.

3.) I'm holding out for the day when one of them realizes that he's just going through a phase and he's actually in love with me, because I am such a good listener.

4.) I feel safe with my gay guy friends because at least they'll never reject me.

5.) I love going to gay clubs because I get to get dressed up and feel desired by a room full of men.

And now here's the truth:

1.) I know that given the contents of this blog it's kind of shocking, but I'm actually not a virgin.

2.) While I love my gay male friends dearly, I am not, nor have I ever been, in love with any of them. Why? Because they're all better looking than me and find my "bits" revolting. You do the math.

3.) Nobody is falling in love with me. Gay or straight. I've come to terms with that. And truthfully, I'm not a good listener. Have you read any of my other Queer Abby advice?

4.) Are you kidding me? I feel more rejected by my gay guy friends than I do anybody else. Andrew of the Great Juno Debate once refused to drink out of my beer bottle because he said it would be like making out with me and quote, "he'd never do that." Absolutely no part of hearing that felt safe or warm.

5.) I hate going to gay clubs! You know why? Because I exert all that energy blow drying my hair and nobody wants to have sex with me. It's like going into battle knowing that you're going to die because you're outnumbered, but at least you'll die with honor. Uh, fuck honor. There's a Man vs. Wild marathon on and it's a recession. I'll sit this battle out, a-thank you very much.

So stop falling in love with your gay best friend and get yourself on match.com already. I know it's nice to have an attractive man in your life who thinks you're the best, even when you're chugging Bisquick directly out of the bottle in your Jack Daniel's PJ's, but you can't substitute that for a real romantic relationship. You know why? Because he will never, ever, touch your genitals. Ever. Seriously think about that the next time you start imagining the two of you walking down that rainbow-colored aisle.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to knitting booties for me and Alex's future love child.

34 comments:

Amy said...

I don't want to be an ass, really.

I've tried to get behind Queer Abby, but God, I just can't do it anymore. There were a few posts that I could make it through with out skimming or becoming distracted. But I just, can't. This is not why I fell in love with 2b1b. It's brutal. I patiently wait, filled with excitement for a new post by my favorite bloggers and then I have that to read. Please. Find a new feature. Or go back to half-ass/hilarious/drunken advice on quirky/random emails. This is a humor blog, right?

Mind/Heart Conflict said...

I'm glad you liked "niggles" so much, but really? The highlight of your summer? Meg, darling, can we have a serious talk for a moment? This is what you should do:

-Get some alcohol in you
-Get some friends
-Go out to the nearest power lines trail and throw a huge party. Invite EVERYONE.
-See how long it takes before the cops show up about noise.

This is my average weekend, and it's been a fucking awesome summer. (You're invited to my power lines parties, BTW.)

Anonymous said...

WOAH WOAH WOAH! Seriously? Both Abby & writer jump to racist bigot? Really? You're too afraid to ask your partner easy questions and just jump on the ASSumption train because they're fiscally conservative? I mean, how much stock can you put in the statement "I perceive as kind of racist"?

Here's a thought: COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR GODDAMN PARTNER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Instead of writing an inept advice columnist, try talking to the person that has all the fucking answers! Hell, maybe she doesn't want to date someone that calls her a crazy racist behind her back. Ever thought of that?

Mario said...

1. Shut up, Amy. You're supposed to skim the questions and move right over Abby's reasonable, plain-jane advice to Meg's hilarity. Play by the rules or get out of our sandbox.

2. Meg, u made me snort at work. Loved your queer abby responses.

Also, nobody believes you about your gays. Nope. Nice try, good effort, but nope.

Jess said...

"100% emissions-free liberal tears" made me lol for kind of a long time. And I will giggle every time I think of it, which may or may not be every time I see a hybrid.

And don't listen to the haters re: Queer Abby. If I remember correctly, initial reactions were not good, but a few weeks ago when there was no Queer Abby, there was REVOLT in the comments. I think this feature has really grown on a lot of people. Don't let it go the way of "Worst of Netflix".

Jess said...

"100% emissions-free liberal tears" made me lol for kind of a long time. And I will giggle every time I think of it, which may or may not be every time I see a hybrid.

And don't listen to the haters re: Queer Abby. If I remember correctly, initial reactions were not good, but a few weeks ago when there was no Queer Abby, there was REVOLT in the comments. I think this feature has really grown on a lot of people. Don't let it go the way of "Worst of Netflix".

Anonymous said...

Queer Abby isn't my favorite, but she's not bad... the questions (particularly the first one) are the truly awful part. I feel like "Liberal Lover" wasn't so much interested in advice as she was in eliciting high fives because "ohmigod, can you BELIEVE my gf is a fiscal conservative and that she has the gall to speak freely about her opinions even thought they don't align with those of me and my intolerant friends? LOLZ what a rube!"

Also the second question looks like it was written by a 12 year old girl.

Todd said...

Dear Queer Abby, please don't pick letters that read like they were written by a drunk 16 year old needing relationship advice.

Unless they're funny. Mister "Why is she sleeping around after dropping hints that she likes me that I haven't acted on in any fashion, and now I'm kind of mad"'s writing made my head hurt attempting to figure out his verb tenses.

That's mean? I don't care.

Anonymous said...

"...did you ever factor in that she might just be kind of a whore?...You really want to know why she hooked up with that guy that night? Because you weren't there, he was..."

Meg, what I love about you is that you aren't afraid to say things the way you see them, harsh or not.

I just have to point something out here. Yes, this girl has no idea what she wants and is probably pretty immature, too. BUT she's not a whore for getting some where she can, just because she also likes this other guy. Would a dude be considered a whore for doing the same thing? She's a young woman in her sexual prime, she's not dating RLC at the moment so HE's clearly not giving her any, so she got drunk and screwed someone else! I say more power to her. Women's sexual liberation and all that.

Anonymous said...

I just recently got fired for being a bad employee (I fell asleep in my office). Meg, do you have any advice on how to spin getting fired for future resumes?

Santa Chiara said...

This was an A+. Well-played Abby, HILARIOUSLY-played Meg.

"It's like going into battle knowing that you're going to die because you're outnumbered, but at least you'll die with honor."

Dear Meg McBlogger, you are wrong. People ARE love with you, and those people are ME.

Anonymous said...

I love this blog but to be honest, when I see that the post of the day is going to be Queer Abby, I usually skim right to where I see red writing or just simply ignore it altogether. I just want to read about you meg! ... and the occasional Tulane Chris :)

Kyle said...

Meg, didn't you and Tulane Chris hook up?

utari said...

like your post so much. thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

I feel as though we have a "for all intents and purposes" situation with "two sense" instead of "two cents"
I really enjoyed this post- too bad I giggled while on a conference call.

Anonymous said...

Okay so I had written a comment before I had read the whole post (hadn't read any Queer Abby yet) because i was just so tickled by your Mean Girls reference that I had to comment immediately and couldn't be bothered by the rest of the post... Well the my internet wasn't working, had to restart it and lost the comment. And then of course I was far too lazy to re comment so I just finished reading the post instead when lo and behold! A second Mean Girls reference! I basically live my life by Mean Girls quotes so you can imagine how ridiculously excited I was to know that I'm not the only one who inserts random Mean girls diatribe if I can. I can take or leave Queer Abby, irregardless this post was totes fetch. Too much? Welcome to my life.

Brittan said...

I think Queer Abby gives really good advice, actually.

More importantly, Meg, I feel the same way about the gay best friends thing. My closest friends are a group of guys--some gay, some straight--and I'm the only female in the group. I almost hate going anywhere with them because of all those assumptions you outlined. Also I've been over gay clubs since 2005. I feel ya.

Anonymous said...

Meg, you hooked up with TC?! AAAAAH PLEASE BLOG ABOUT IT

Anonymous said...

I, too, skip the reasonable well-intentioned advice and go right for red. Who needs REASONABLE advice when you can have GOOD advice?!

Anonymous said...

God I wish there really was a Man vs Wild marathon on.

Bear Grylls is the Hot Man Messiah of Awesomeness (to me. and one other person I know of)

Emily said...

Queer Abby reminds me of totallylookslike.com in that I didn't make the connection until someone else pointed it out. But as soon as Amy gives her advice I think, "OH! Of COURSE that's the answer!"

Basically, she is the smart, logical part of my brain that I usually try to repress.

It's possible the feature's not quite in line with 2birds. But it's good stuff. And she deserves a home somewhere.

Catherine said...

1. I really like Queer Abby. I like the juxtaposition of the clear-headed Amy against the silly yet brutally honest Meg. And honestly, I think the subject matter of most of the questions tends to be something to which most people can relate or, at the very least, sympathize...whether they like to admit it or not.

2. I clicked on the link about Meg's "explosive" situation in the hospital and almost peed myself laughing for the 103,845th time. I cannot get enough of that story. I also cannot get enough of 2b1b, ever since I discovered the blog over the winter as one of my few connections to the modern world while in Africa.

Meg, Chris, Amy, and all the other guest writers: I love you and FUCK everyone else. Do what you do. Love, love, love!

Anonymous said...

I made my girlfriend start reading in hopes that she can become more like you Meg

Anonymous said...

Ever since that first post with the word niggles, I've come across it three times in two novels I've read. No joke. It's a sign. A sign of what, I don't know.

And I like Queer Abby A LOT. I think that she gives great advice and I love her short and long answers. So do your thing Amy.

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