7.23.2010

You Fucking Freak: A Memoir

Before we get to what I'm sure is a hilarious Tulane Chris post, I have a few administrative matters to discuss:

1.) I just got back from Andrew of the Great Juno Debate's ironic Apex College Night Birthday Outing (no pun intended) and I learned something very important about myself tonight: I can not dance to house/techno music. But like, at all. It's like I can't mathematically figure out how my body should move to that beat. Every now and then they'd play a hip-hop song at a normal pace and I'd be like, "Ooo. Yep. I can handle this." But then it would start to speed up and be like thump, thump, thump THUMPTHUMPTHUMPASYMMETRICAL HAIRCUTS! SCREAMING! LASERS! CARTILAGE PIERCINGS! GAHHHHHHH!!!1 and I'd lose it. I think I did the robot a few times. Not trying to be funny, mind you, but because it honestly just felt like the right thing to do.

2.) At one point I looked down at the floor, saw something, and thought to myself, "Huh, I guess someone stepped on a french fry." In retrospect, it's highly possible, if not probable, that that was semen.

3.) Thanks to your votes, we won WTOP's Best Local Blog! Hollerrrrr! To show our appreciation, we're doing a giveaway today with our good friends at Jägershop.com! If you'd like to win a brand-new, badass Jäger Tap Machine, just leave a comment in today's post by midnight and I'll think of some highly scientific way to pick a winner and announce it tomorrow morning. Again, the cut-off time is midnight, so kindly do not enter past that time. (Yes Kevin Yang, that means you.) Good luck!

4.) BONUS ROUND! We actually owe you guys another giveaway because we ended up winning Washingtonian magazine's Best Blog in their 2010 Best Of issue as well! We didn't announce it or do a giveaway up until now because they never actually notified us that we won, didn't invite us to their party and spelled my name wrong in the magazine. It was like the "You look like you've lost weight" of wins. That being said, we're obviously still completely honored and to show our gratitude, we're also giving away a 2birds1blog logo tee to another lucky reader from today's comments section. So, again, leave a comment with your name for a chance to win some sweet free shit from Jägershop.com and the all-new 2birds1blog merch store. Thanks guys! We love you.

5.) How dare I almost forgetit's T.G.I. Hagman!















As of July 23, 2010 at 2:25am, Larry Hagman is...alive! And totally excited to read Chris' post, I'm sure. Enjoy and thank you so much again for all of your love and support.

- Meg

So, I’m sitting here in my underpants, drinking Carlo Rossi chianti out of a chipped mug and watching a made for TV movie starring Tori Spelling. It sounds like the countdown to a bathtub suicide, but for some of us, it spells contentment. Then Meg calls.

“So, no pressure, but we won the WTOP contest. So, no pressure but we’ll get a lot of publicity tomorrow so… I guess what I’m saying is no pressure but could you please try not to… I don’t know how to say this but SUCK? Could you not? Suck? No pressure. I mean I think you’re wonderful but some of the readers are tired of…rambling, obscenity-laced discussions of things some people might technically find incredibly boring.”

“Is it the rambling, the obscenity, or the boring?”

“The boring. Rambling obscenity is your medium. Work with it. Work in it. Be it. Just try not to advocate genocide this time. I’m still getting emails.”

“I… I’ll try.”

So NOT boring and NOT genocide. Tall order, but we grow the most when we’re challenged. So, I scrapped the post I’d been working on about Princess Diana, which was shaping up nicely but was hardly WTOP material, and went back to the one wellspring that has always served me well: my wacky upbringing. (A P.S. to my six faithful readers: Remember the dwarves amok at Long John Silver’s? Mom brought them up on her own accord tonight on the phone, very casually, “Oh do you remember the So-and-Sos?” Who will ever forget?)

All my life, with varying degrees of politeness, people have been telling me I’m weird. The educational system uses codewords like “gifted” and “creative,” but it’s the same thing. To be fair, I was weird. I was a moderately odd child, and it’s only gotten worse. I’m told that as a pre-kindergartener, I used to go tell the principal that aliens came down in little ships and spoke to me. (To be fair, neither my parents nor the principal could prove they didn’t.) In some areas of the country, this would have led to a therapist demanding to be shown, on the doll, where the aliens spoke to me, but in the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and Don’t Make a Fuss Because the Neighbors Will See” Belt, I was thankfully left alone.

I stayed weird through middle school. In sixth grade I spoke in an English accent because I thought it made me seem cool, one of the most monumental errors of judgement ever seen outside a government office. In seventh grade I became, through no direct fault of my own, “the kid whose parents have a cage full of turtles in the front yard,” and my only clear memory of eighth grade is saying, “Oh, don’t kill yourself, you should at least lose your virginity first.” (It won’t get me hired on any hotlines, but it worked.)

High school was a brief golden age for me. By a bizarre fluke, our school was terrible in sports and academics but had a crackerjack theatre department, so the theatre kids got the screwing-around privileges usually reserved for jocks. Weird was cool, oddly enough, but even in this climate I managed to shine. I was neither especially talented nor particularly attractive, so I played the usual third-string dads, teachers, and fatherly teachers, except for two parts: Scrooge; and Renfield, Dracula’s insect-eating mind-slave. Imagine that teenager. “Well, what can Chris do? Be an old man a hundred years ago, or a homicidally insane old man a hundred years ago?” Keywords: Victorian England; cannibalism. I was also apparently the only person who didn’t realize I was gay:

“I’m going to college to explore myself.”

“You’ve spent the last six years exploring yourself. I bet you spend college exploring other dudes.”

Well, yes, but in my defense I also experimented with drugs. As my nom de guerre Tulane Chris indicates, I went to college in New Orleans, as did the weird kid from every other high school in the country. Open-till-dawn bars, voodoo, and the phrase “oh, it’s just an alligator, leave it alone and it’ll leave you alone” don’t inspire a lust for conformity. Add the cachet that comes from “well I don’t know about you but I was an internally displaced person and the UN actually counted me as such in its yearly statistics and you should have seen Mid-City before the hurricane but the Marigny was lucky because…” and you get a square peg indeed. I had one really illuminating conversation about eccentricity in college. A friend said, “It’s always so awkward when you have to out yourself as weird.” This friend would later gain fame as “the girl who, not content with extant plagues, made up diseases and told us she had them,” but she made a good point. Even if you try to conceal it around new people, you’ll slip, and everyone will know. One passing reference to the year when you were twenty and had an irrational fear of nuclear weapons so strong that whenever a plane flew low overhead while you were asleep you hid in the bathroom because you thought the bathroom was relatively protected despite the fact that the Cold War had been over for fifteen years, and suddenly you’re “weird.”

So now, as a so-called adult, I lead a fairly quiet life on more or less my own terms. I may spend days on end eating dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and obsessively re-reading books about the Mitford sisters, but I have my own apartment and, for the first time in my life, no one comes in to tell me I'm being weird.

Except, of course, when they do. My landlord gave me about 36 hours’ notice that an “appraiser” was coming to look at the apartment. I was especially busy that week and didn’t have time to tidy up, so the appraiser saw my habitat as it generally is:

-Mess, everywhere

-Mardi Gras beads, everywhere

-A “Christmas Angel” doll that a friend sent me because one of her legal aid clients bought it for her because it looks exactly like my friend

-Twenty pictures of pugs cut from calendars arranged in a large grid on the wall

-An orange electric wok in the hallway (because there’s not room in the kitchen)

-A drawing Giant Camel made me of a narwhal leaping over the Eiffel Tower

-A bottle of holy water in the bathroom, because Mom made me take it when I went to college and I’ve had it ever since and WHAT do you do with such a thing and it usually gets packed with my toiletries

-A two-foot-high plush pug I won at Dave and Buster’s

-A garden gnome holding a panda

-A pile of salt I spilled on the carpet that I haven't gotten around to borrowing a vacuum to clean up

-etc.

This sounds like I’m bragging, “oh look how wacky I am,” but keep in mind that I expected no visitors and was actually annoyed by having someone in my house. This is how things are when I’m home alone.

Any doubt I had that I would be known to posterity, if at all, as an eccentric was finally laid to rest in June. I only keep in touch with two friends from high school, and this June one moved onto a goat farm where the farmer anoints the goats before slaughter, because “goats are people too.” The other married an inmate live on the radio.

“What’s he in for?”

“Oh, some gun thing. You don’t really want to know.”

She’s right about me not wanting to know, but aren’t a huge number of crimes technically “some gun thing?”

Anyway, I’ve gotten used to my apparent eccentricity. It may have ruined a few dates, but it’s gotten me second dates when my other charms fell short. It’s never gotten me a job, but it’s kept me a job – no one wants to fire the guy who comes into the break room with circles under his eyes not because (or not ONLY because) he’s hung over, but because his mother called him at midnight to talk about lepers. It’s lost me a few friends, but it’s won me some hilarious enemies. It may not be useful, but it’s mine.

Speaking of lepers, and to work blue for our new readers, here’s my favorite joke:

“What did the leper say to the prostitute?”

“Keep the tip.”

See you Monday!

190 comments:

Daniel said...

I CAN'T DANCE EITHER. and I couldn't even do a robot.

Also, consider this my entry.

Dana said...

Awesome!

A. Rue said...

Tulane Chris, don't listen to the detractors. Your rambling psychoses never bore me.

Wait, did that just count as outing myself as weird?

-Beth

rebecca said...

And I to think had been steeling myself for a depressing No Post Friday!

Consider this my entry as well.

AndrewNew said...

I was supposed to come to Andrew's bday party last night but I fell asleep, I suck, but I feel as though you could relate. To make up for missing out I would love any jager or 2birds1blog related merchandise.

"Farts. Farts in our nations capitol" - Still my favorite quote from the recent posts.

Keep being awkward!

Nell All said...

Voting for you was the highlight of my day, yesterday. So I am really excited that you guys won!

Also, I'm from Belgium. The country that has Antwerp. So if you'd be able to send things here, I'd like to win. If not, you should really work on that.
Thank you!

Lindsay said...

Nothing makes my friday like the chance to win free shiz (especially boozing shiz). Sign me up for both giveaways.

andrea said...

love you guys!!!

Courtney said...

Congrats on the win. TC, favorite post to date; chicken dinos (a staple in my life), holy water and lepers. Brilliant!

Jenna said...

Yay for winning stuff. For you two and your readers.

Laura said...

Congrats on the two wins! I'm game for winning stuff...

And to Tulane Chris...dino nugs are the best thing ever. For reals.

Lolo said...

I totally just told the leper/prostitute joke to my entire department and we are still dying over it. sometimes working for an AIDS nonprofit is great.

Ross said...

Oooooo Jager Tap! And love the blog :- Thanks for making my Friday livable.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone on the blog know of a reputable place to get my windows tinted?

Princess Fluffybuns said...

Jager on tap?! Sign me up.

Matt said...

Big time congrats on the win. Stumbling across this amazing blog was the best luck ever...for me of course. Not my employers.
Keep up the awesome work, both of you!

Amy said...

ftw x2

Anonymous said...

The Ryan's quote is still your finest work, TC.

- K

JustWondering said...

Isn't aftermarket window tinting illegal in DC.

biteyandchompers said...

Dear 2Birds, I love your blog and I totes voted for it. And I don't even live anywhere close to the DC area. Love from deep in the dirty south
<3
Bitey
PS- If I win the T-shirt I will wear it shameless everyday for a week. At least. Just to show my love
PPS- If I got the Jager tap I would be shamelessly drunk for the rest of my life. At least.

Nicole said...

I'm seriously going to get fired one day because of the titles of some of the blog entries, but hey, they're funny! Love what you BOTH do and congrats on the wins!

toppe said...

i havent read the post yet, but YOU WON THE BEST BLOG OF DC! WAHOOO! all you anonymous mean commenters can suck it.

Sarah said...

SWAG!

abbey said...

Congrats on all the winning! Clearly you are awesome and everyone knows it.

Adrienne said...

If I win the T-shirt, I promise I will hang it on the flagpole outside of my house, thereby literally letting my freak flag fly.

If I win the jager tap, I promise I will...get drunk.

Craig TB said...

Love the blog, Meggles!

Craig

Shana said...

if I win the Jager tap I promise to name it Kevin Yang and toast to Kevin Yang every time I use it.


ps, Kevin Yang.

Laura said...

I'm just gonna level with ya... I need that tap to impress my hot roommate. There it is.

Kristen said...

I want your items!! Consider this my entry :) good post

Kerri said...

143 Kevin Yang.

Kal said...

All you have to do when dancing to techno music is fist pump and dance with someone that's not your boyfriend - because it's only house music, it doesn't mean anything! (thank you Jersey shore)

Congrats on the WTOP honor!

Cassidy said...

Thank God for this blog.

Liz said...

(Insert witty remark to affect your scientific comment choosing process here)

Blood Thirsty Reader said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Whit.Norton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Whit.Norton said...

Been meaning to comment for forever, so a jager-motivation seems to be as good a time as any. Love the blog, hate the haters.

Angie said...

Ugh. I make it a rule to never look at the floor at any club. On that note that tiny little detail reminds me of my favorite club-themed song "Fucking On The Dance Floor" so kudos to you for the first hand experience.

Me in a nutshell said...

Best giveaways ever! Sign me up.

Kelsey A. said...

I can't dance and I always end up making a complete fool of myself. I always do "running man..."

ILeany said...

I'm so glad that you were nominated for (and won!) WTOP's best blog - I never knew you existed!!

Julia R said...

I'm entering, and I may have voted for you an inappropriate number of times in this contest. Oops, blame it on Kevin Yang.

Ultraparadoxical said...

Mmmmmmm... Jager

Jenn- wizard of words, queen of the universe and all around great time! said...

you might be my hero and i might lead a say life ;)

Jenn- wizard of words, queen of the universe and all around great time! said...

FUCK!!!!! by "say" i meant sad!!!! akjfd;lasjfklsd FUCK!!!

Dan C. said...

Get into my face, Jager!

Congrats on both wins. May the Yang be with you.

Kelley said...

I would like to enter the win free shit contest. Kthanks.

Britt said...

So I've never left a comment on here before, and I read it every day and voted for ya'll yesterday ... but if there is a chance of a jager-themed prize OR (my more favorite prize) a b2b tshirt ... I knew I just had to comment.

And I know this has nothing to do with his post ... but I had a dream the other night that I got to meet Meg & Chris after their blog panel and was SO excited. And when I woke up and realized that it wasn't real, I got SO sad. Worst. Way. To. Wakeup. EVER.

Amanda Y. said...

the jaeger tap would go famously with my large foam keystone light man (completely with arms and legs) that proudly guards the door to my apartment.

cassie said...

Maybe I've been having a rough couple of weeks. It's hot as hell in Chicago. Milwaukee has a sinkhole. We have high profile cases going on (Blagojevich, Drew Peterson, etc.). I'm nervous about starting grad school. My job is more boring than usual. This summer has been rough.

So I feel bad for thinking you guys lost the funny, for saying it... these last few days have brought me so much laughter and joy. I'm sorry I projected my stress and general annoyance at the entire city of Chicago onto you.

Congrats on your wins and thanks for the funny.

Erica said...

Ohhhh sweet Carlo Rossi. My best college memories involve the Carlo. Except I drink it out of a giant travel coffee mug from Bass Pro covered with various woodland creatures. It just feels right to me.

Arik said...

Voting for 2b1b was basically the highlight of my week. I'm proud to have contributed to a win. Also I'm pretty sure that the cheating blog/forum thing was basically 4Chan for people out of high school.

Anyways- congrats!

Illwisherinattic said...

Huh, never noticed the outing-outing pun.

That said, my favourite method of coming out is the flaming kamikaze, to accuse someone else of being gay too. Because if you're going gay, you should take Everyone with you

B_Mill said...

happy friday inDEED. Gotta love free merch - sign me up for the prize(s)! and congrats on the blog awards! you guys totes deserve it!

Jenni B said...

i'm gonna need that yager tap to go with my mini heineken keg. or the t-shirt, b/c it would make talia jealous. good day madame.

Ushma said...

Great post, 2b1b!

Sam said...

Congrats on both wins!

Kelsey said...

Possibly I missed something, but I thought Tulane Chris blogged in green...?

Oh, and congrats on winning!!

Steph said...

If I win the tshirt, I promise to use craft magic [not to be confused with magic craft, which is so not my thing] to construct a 2b1b doggy tee for the pooch, who's also a huge fan [president of the Dr Reuben and the Blanket Statements Fan Club: DC Chapter], and shamelessly parade him around Dupont Circle.

Totally hope I win.

Congrats regardless!

Jennifer said...

free stuff? yes please.

congrats on the 2 much-deserved wins and thanks for always making us laugh!

The Lady Lover said...

Ooonz oooonz ooonz. That's all I hear in techno music

Rachel said...

You guys are hilarious, per usual. Congrats on the win. My workweek would be nearly unbearable without this 2birds1blog.

Lissy210 said...

Jaeger taps are the best! I kind of want one a lot. But either way, congrats on the win(s)! My head almost exploded in the car this morning when I heard it on the radio (but it might have been because I was already in my car at 6:30 am). Got I love WTOP and 2B1B! It's ridiculous.

-Meredith

Correy said...

I love you guys more than you might feel comfortable with should you ever find out how much.

Stephanie said...

So glad I'm not the only one who loves me some Carlo Rossi. It's sooo tasty, and also cheap. I don't get all the hate that's getting flung at Tulane Chris, I think your posts are an absolute delight. The only posts I ever dislike on this blog are no-post days.
Consider this my entry, if I win the shirt I will put it on my step-mother's pug and take a picture, and if I win the Jager tap I will get drunk and probably home-make a 2b1b shirt for the dog and take some awful and out of focus pictures when I'm wasted

Stephanie said...

So glad I'm not the only one who loves me some Carlo Rossi. It's sooo tasty, and also cheap. I don't get all the hate that's getting flung at Tulane Chris, I think your posts are an absolute delight. The only posts I ever dislike on this blog are no-post days.
Consider this my entry, if I win the shirt I will put it on my step-mother's pug and take a picture, and if I win the Jager tap I will get drunk and probably home-make a 2b1b shirt for the dog and take some awful and out of focus pictures when I'm wasted

kerry a. said...

tc, i count myself as one of the six. and no one can ever take that away. (my bedroom is filled with sculptures of disembodied hands. some holding pipes. and the living room has more framed pictures of robot-themed genitalia than most.)

san said...

“You’ve spent the last six years exploring yourself. I bet you spend college exploring other dudes.”

baaaaaahaha the same could be said of me. and for the record, i did spend college exploring dudes.

yay free shit!

Laura said...

I love 2Birds1Blog and Jager and I would LOVE some Jager swag. I totally voted for you, so maybe that will sway your decision?? Anyway, thank you guys for the entertainment.

Hails said...

Since I voted (twice, if you count the lame-wad who cheated and caused the poll to restart) I feel like I definitely helped y'all win.

Also, there is no wrong way to dance to techno because there is no right way.

Monica said...

Congrats, Congrats, Congrats!!! I did vote the first day and was absolutely HORRIFIED to see that something that was basically a list serv was winning best blog.

So yay for cheaters losing and yay for 2B1B for rocking it as always!

bnichols said...

My fatass would've probably tried to pick up that smooshed fry.

juliette said...

techno is impossible to dance to, it's not just you. it is, however, fun to swing glowsticks (and/or balls of fire) to, as 90s as that sounds.

ps- free shit is my favorite shit. just sayin.

Amanda said...

Love you Meg!

spicycurrysauce said...

This blog feels like a therapy session. I just thought I'd open up and let you know that I went through a phase where I walked with my feet out so I'd be mistaken for a ballerina. Keep the revelations and jager flowing.

Sandi said...

here's a little tidbit i've learned this past week: a group of guys wearing plaid in a gas station do not like to be told "oh hiiii plaid people" by a drunk girl.
love the blog! and really i'd love free shit. kthanks! ♥
ps russians in hookah bars love techno and get really mad when you request 'donk' by soulja boy tellem

Charlie said...

From CJ (the one that doesn't talk shit)

Phillip said...

My friend once enlightened me on how to dance to techno. Imagine you are bouncing a big ball with one hand, and then switch to a small ball, and then back to a big ball. It sounds retarded, but it actually looks half decent when you get the hang of it and then add in other stuff.

P. Walter Thomas III said...

Congrats on the awards guys

Emz321 said...

Congrats on the win, I'm not surprised! I am coming to DC in Sept, and is it awkward that I want to buy a Sorr about the Bag bag and tote that around in hopes you'll randomly see some girl on the street toting a totally awesome bag and have to stop and say hi I'm Meg!

Emily

Shimmy Shimmy Cocoa-Whaaa said...

Who likes to win? I like to win!

James said...

Dear Meg,

I am comment 81 because after 3.5 months of unemployment, my sleep schedule is so screwed up I'm literally going to sleep as the sun is coming up, and I just woke up 30 min ago.

I knew you could relate.

Love,

James

Nicole said...

I want to win a t-shirt or awesome booze contraption!

AisforAmber said...

WEIRDNESS is close to GODLINESS... at least that's what my mama told me in our "don't ask don't tell don't make a fuss because i'll whip the shit out of you later" belt ;)

i voted twice- once in the fascade-vote of the lame blog cheating and effin that ish up and then even did it again when it had to be recounted!! i fucking adore this blog and have adopted diction from it, no joke, and people cannot fathom the depths of my devotion. i live in oregon so it literally starts my day, everyday. kudos to you monkeys for winning, that is totally rad because y'all definitely deserve it!

cheers :)

Grace said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

I got super excited when I saw there were a shit ton of comments, because it means I'll be entertained that much longer, then I remembered that's the way to enter the contests. Hahaha. I was like, wtf do they mean "their entry". Yeah. Hi.

Fuck, I guess I'm entered now too, huh? Yaaay. In that case: I call 2b1b shirt! Definitely typed shit the first time...hmm.

Love!

Grace said...

Speaking from experience, even Eastern Europeans don't know how to dance to techno - and I'm pretty sure they invented that shit...

Please enter me for all giveaway related contests.

Lindsey said...

I live in New Orleans, and play coed softball and our team name is KEVIN YANG (Pictures coming soon!) loving BOTH of your rants from a far!

Becky said...

Congrats on the wins! You guys definitely deserve it. I'd love a free shirt so I don't have to put it on my xmas list...

Brittany said...

I am far too poor to buy one of these excellently designed t-shirts. So it's awesome that you're having a giveaway!

afiendangelical said...

I, too, have found myself on the Dance Floor of Techo-doom, and there may have been some awkward leg kicking and weird humping motions. :shrug: At least I wasn't the guy wearing pants made of hair.

Jager...tap...allaboutitsignmeup. I have a great idea for a scientific way to pick a winner...it's called the "I'm Getting a Divorce Just Moved Into New Place and Need This Tap To Assist With Another Type of Tapping-knowwhatImsayin- Method." I hear it's highly successful!

rachielove said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kate said...

Congrats!

Your blog really does make my workday better.

And thank gooses Larry Hagman is alive.

jee567 said...

Hey hey! I like Jagr! Aaaaaaaand not being naked (generally covered by clothing, which makes the shirt PERFECT for me). Better yet, I like being drunk AND not naked. Please give me both of them.

rachielove said...

It worries me that I am now genuinely concerned every Friday that Larry Hagman may have met an untimely death. I worry for him, I worry for myself, and above all, I worry for our dear Meggles and the repercussions such a disastrous event would cause...

Jules said...

2b1b wins once again! I hold myself personally responsible.

So, someone who snagged a Jager thong from Jagerball definitely needs a Jager tap to match, right? So I can take shots in my underwear? Please?

kelly said...

yay jager!

Meredith Travels said...

I can barely clap much less dance. it's painful to watch. Especially on Tuesdays at amateur nights at Alibi's.

krshiplett said...

Did we ever get a rub down on what happened when you went to the tip of dingle?

Allison said...

Dave and Busters has two foot high plush pugs? Does Meg know?

Anonymous said...

Can we please get a picture of this "garden gnome holding a panda"? I'm having a hard time getting a visual, and I NEED a visual...

kristy adams said...

I NEED THAT JAGER TAP!!!! TAP TAP TAP!!!

Courtney P said...

I would stab someone in the face for a 2Birds1Blog t-shirt so I can represent here in Indiana!!!!!

Courtney Packard has submitted her entry.

Jess said...

congratss!! but now everyone at work knows how weird i am because every other story i tell starts with "oMgZZ on that blog i love..."

Penis said...

penis

E said...

a) FREE THINGS! Sign me up, please!
b) Tulane Christ - BEST JOKE EVER, USING IT LATER
c) I was at a bar on Tuesday night and I asked a dude what he did for a living and, no joke, he actually said "I'm a plumber.... I lay pipe allll day long." !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patricia said...

I like the rambling and the obscenity. Why have a blog if you have to be politically correct? That’s no fun! Also, I have no brain to post filter. It’s even worse than my brain to mouth filter, which looks like Swiss cheese.

You played Renfield? (cocks eyebrow) Your school did crack Dracula? I applaud you.

Patricia

Lacking Sense

Bamber said...

congratulations! Washington represent.

Amber
amberino7@yahoo.com

Penis said...

snatches

K.L said...

I just moved into a new place and the walls had to be removed approximately 2 days later due to a "major mold infestation." And the only thing I could think is that nobody would notice the (lack of)kitchen if we had a 2b1b style jager tap in the living room. Make my dream come true?

chultgren said...

Congrats! Y'all deserve it!!

body{display:none}Hello Moto said...

I think this blog is great

"Mike" said...

Gotta like my chances of winning a giveaway!

Shannon said...

mmmm Carlo <3

and congrats!!

Leigh said...

I blew my commenting wad talking shit on today's other post's comments section. Sigh.

Jennifer said...

I never win anything. At least just send me a sticker if you don't pick me? So, I'll...ya know...NOT jump off a bridge...

yay for winning, PS!

Ava said...

I love free shit and I love this blog.

Congratulations on being awesome!

Lisa S said...

High five on the wins!!

Deb said...

Contests are probably the most effective way to weed out anonymous commenters

Denise said...

GIMME THAT SHIRT. I voted a few times. But how did you come back from 8%? that is where you stood when I hit vote.

PS. Can I buy a tote?? I keep trying and it says sold out.

Jill said...

"So NOT boring and NOT genocide. Tall order, but we grow the most when we’re challenged."

^Somehow in a post containing lepers, prostitutes, gnomes and dino nuggets THAT sentence (or rather 2 sentences) made me laugh the most.

Great work as always Chris.

Captain Shane said...

Congrats on the win!

The previously-24-hour bar closest to my house recently started closing at 4. Oh, the pain. What is New Orleans without walking home during a sunrise?

-Shane

Heather said...

Yay Congrats on the win!!!
TC- excellent post as always. Maybe its because I'm weird that I enjoy your posts, but whateves! PS You have inspired my to find some holy water and eat dino nuggets!!

Also, consider this my entry.

Rachel said...

Your blog makes my life complete and 29 hours in a box has changed my work life. You know what else would? 29 hours with a jagertap machine. Win me up!
-Rachel

ennaylime said...

You guys are funny and junk. Now win me some free stuff please.

Kori said...

Four Reasons I Should Win Something: An Essay by Kori

1. I voted for you for both contests! (Apparently a lot of other people did too)

2. My bf hates Jager and I'd love to taunt.

3. I f-ing hate techno too! One time had a heated discussion at Steve's Bar Room with the DJ explaining to him it doesn't matter what he likes, what matters is that everyone left the dance floor.

4. Every time I go to Tryst (right now!) or The Big Hunt I hope I'll see you just so I can buy you a drink and you'll write a blog about the stalker who bought you a drink.

Jimmy said...

Chris, you lost me in the first sentence. Who drinks Carlo Rossi out of anything but the bottle?

LW said...

If you cant dance that just means you need more Jager!

Julie said...

I'm not even going to try to kiss up and tell you how much I love the blog blah blah blah (although of course I do). I want to win the T-Shirt or the Jager prize. Please. That is all.

Kate said...

TEE ME, BABY!

PS: I'm proud of you, Meg, for not slipping on the semen while robot-ing. That strikes me as an impressive feat.

sean said...

way to kick every last bit of the ass y'all

that's right. y'all. I SAID IT.

Caitlin said...

Yay! I'm glad I took the time to vote for you guys yesterday while on the Metro. I feel slightly more important than usual.

TC, you can have my babies any day of the week, even though you probably wouldn't want to since I have a vag.

And of course, a Jager tap would greatly improve the interior of my apartment! My boyfriend would shit his pants. Hooray for giveaways!

Jenna C. said...

"I have my own apartment and, for the first time in my life, no one comes in to tell me I'm being weird."

My sentiments exactly.

lis said...

oh oh pick me! love the blog and voted (and i'm on the other side of the country)

Sara said...

I love Tulane Chris! He is an excellent co-bird^max.

(I do miss ex-blogger Chris' commentary about Andrew from Kell on Earth - FYI I am hoping for some type of guest bit when season 2 begins) Fingers crossed!

Katrina said...

High five for winning best blog, because 2b1b = awesome.

I also cannot dance. I have about 3 standard dance moves that I repeat, with a little ass-wiggling, for any and all songs. It's embarrassing.

latestincarnation said...

Huzzah for local blog recognition!

Congratulations; I adore your blog and any time either of you make lists of your various quirks or interested or anthologies of awkwardness (I cannot even count the amount of times I have read your memories from your college LJ, Meg - and gone back and found my similar ones! <3 livejournal, nothing will ever be the same) - it makes me feel less alone on the internet, heh. So cheers!

Kyra said...

Also, openID nonsense, I have a name that isn't my lame blog title. And that name is Kyra. Feh!

Goats ARE people too, by the way. Shifty, square pupil-ed people who contribute deliciousness to society. (I was in 4-H too long, perhaps.)

Vivienne said...

There is nothing weird about dinosaur-shaped food. Unless by "weird" you mean "awesome."

Rammi said...

You know what would be even better than a 2birds1blog logo tee? One with Christ on a croissant.

Kelly said...

I'm so glad you won! Cheaters never prosper. But I did accidentally vote twice so I told my roommate she wasn't allowed to vote. I will not say whether she did or not.

Anonymous said...

I'm saving up to purchase a bakery assistant so I can't afford to buy anything from the merch store! Consider this my give-away entry!

JT

Elizabeth said...

I love the I've-never-commented-before-but-I-love-free-shit crowd ... 2b1b fans are so .. predictable. ME INCLUDED .. I WANT FREE SHIT!

Thanks guys, love ya :)

Caitlin said...

I'm Caitlin. And man I love free stuffs.



woo.

Cupcake said...

I read at least 4 posts out loud to a room full of people today. Good times.

Steven said...

I love cold jager. Check out this youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=2tLrvFycHXY&feature=related ...your welcome.

pook555 said...

I love you both Meg and TC - plus I love free stuff!! And I voted for you :)

And TC, my father was a psychologist who saw patients (aka crazy people) in the house - so I can relate to nuttiness in childhood!

christine said...

love me some jager, love the blog more!

Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

Weird? Hmm..lets see:
I have dance parties with my bitchy little rat dog. I pick my nose and flick it behind my couch sometimes when hungover...for like 4 years so that won't be embarrassing when i move. I grew up (ages 1year-like 15 before I finally wised up) with a "photo" of the virgin Mary on the wall next to the giant Rooster painting...not a fun kid like rooster- a fucking victorian painting of a rooster.

AND I love prizes! (not so weird...just a shameless plug)

Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

OH and i was told today that my inner Nerd was upstaging my outer geek...by my boss.

Todd said...

Holy crap there are tons of extra comments.

If I win the Jaegar tap machine, I will install it my new Apartment in New Orleans and possibly never leave the house, except to get more Jaeger.

And anyone named Tulane Chris is totally invited to share.

Ker said...

sign me up for the giveaway contest!

Karly said...

Jäger. Keep the tip.

Miranda said...

Yes and please.

debbiej022 said...

Congrats guys! You are hilarious and you deserve it

Rosey said...

I am pretty sure I will tell that joke to everyone I meet tonight, including people at the bar, the bus driver, and the guy who works at the waffle place.

Also, congrats.

Anonymous said...

JAGER!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Srav said...

So glad you guys won!!

Tanya said...

Dear Meg and Chris,

I have spent the last week reading EVERY SINGLE entry from beginning to end (or most current?). Other than proving that my life is lame and pathetic (not.) it also proves how in love I am with you, in a non-creepy way obviously.

Robert D said...

very nice post-and 100% agree about techno music. it requires a very special mix of having a seizure and....having a seizure.

My entry in haiku form:

looks for a t-shirt
reuses recycled joke
sorr about the bag

randi said...

got a sorr about the bag bag for my birthday today- aaand i'm a fellow weirdo who went to tulane

Heather said...

I want to win! Love the blog!

Anonymous said...

I am trying to play the odds by commenting later...here's the deal, I am a decade older than you but relate to everything you say...it's funny to me everyday, but probably sad behind my back. I want a shirt. :) Regardless, I am ordering a bag. One more glass of wine on a "Law and Order" marathon Friday night, and I just may order the entire shop. Keep up the great work!

Jennifer said...

15 minutes left. Which means it's a Friday night and instead of partying I'm at home in bed reading your blog. I don't know if that means I should win a prize because let's face it I pretty much lose at life and deserve some sort of consolation prize, or if I should not win a prize because I'm clearly not worthy of one. Wow that was depressing hahaha, but what can I say, love you birds!

Tine said...

Congrats!

I've outed myself as weird my entire life. But when the only people you hang around with are weird, there's no need to out yourself. :)

Lauren said...

Crap, just read the comments, and thanks to "Deb" for making me realize I probably should not post anonymously. Glad I have seven minutes left and a little more Benson, Stabler and pinot noir (out of a box, feel bad enough for me to give me a shirt). Congratulations!

Meaghan said...

Hopefully your time zone is at least an hour behind Nova Scotia.....I love Jager!!

ashzilla said...

hahaha!!! Chris, I know EXACTLY which dinosaur chicken nuggets you are referring to and they are DELICIOUS!!!! I have bought them and eaten them too!

agonzalez said...

yay for free shtuff <3s me some jager.

also hint to how people dance to house...copious amounts of alcohol or E...

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Music Lover said...

What do y'all think about sweet tea? Why is it so hard to find around DC? DC is in the south, after all.

Ana said...

Thank Christ for this blog. And for free stuff.

Casey said...

ENTRY! Casey Daline.

Love a good backhanded compliment like that. I wore some favorite jeans/sweatshirt combination and got one of these: "you look.....cozy."

Travis said...

Congrats Meg and Chris!!!1

Travis

Anonymous said...

meg and chris--remind me how you know each other??

Charity Anne said...

Jäger me, Meg! I'll take a t-shirt, as well. Or even just an aknowledgement of this comment...I'll be hitting refresh on my broswer for the next several days plus (or longer?) until this happens.....

Thank you for enlightening my life! Happy I could vote for you!

Charity Anne said...

Ok, just realized I am about 3 days late. SHIT! Oh well. Consolation prize?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Voting has closed! Woo!

Anonymous said...

Dear Chris,

For what it's worth, you are not alone in your tremendous love of the Mitford sisters, although I think there may only be three Americans under the age of 30 who know who they are.

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