7.28.2010

As promised.

Sigh. As I mentioned earlier, something painfully embarrassing happened to me at work the other day. And with all painfully embarrassing things that happen to me, I need to discuss it here on the blog so I get it out of my system and can move on with my life. So more painfully embarrassing things can happen to me.

Back-story: Every single job that I've ever had has been a total...whatever the female version of a "sausage fest" is. (I can't come up with anything that doesn't make me a.) want to vomit or b.) sound extraordinarily gay, i.e. lady fest.) (Update: I just googled "what is the opposite of a sausage fest?" and the consensus seems to be either a "taco fest" or a "fish market". And now I want to slice wrists.) In high school I worked for a small woman-owned book store; my first job out of college was working for Soap Opera Digest (which was 99.9% homely women and .1% token gay guy with his dead dog's name tattooed on his forearm;) and my most recent job was, of course, working for the menopausal Macgyver of tampons that was Boss #1 and Boss #2. Now I'm back working the retail job I had in college, and in turn, I'm experiencing the same problem I had there during my first tenureit's a total dude-tease.

I feel like there's this myth about working in retail that hot guys are in and out of your store all day and you help them and make them laugh and there's a spark and they ask you when your shift ends and you're like, "um, not soon enough?" and you both giggle and meet up for drinks at Garrett's afterwards and you fall in love and everything is wonderful and you have this adorable story about how you met and when he gives his speech at the rehearsal dinner he's like, "I went into her store that day because I needed envelopeswho knew I'd leave with a wife?" (Not like I've thought about it before...) I probably got this idea because I feel like customers were always asking out Helena when she worked at the Barnes & Noble across the street. Although to be fair, the discrepancy between our Georgetown retail experiences may have something to do with the fact that Helena's a petite blonde with sparkling blue eyes and I look like I should be an ironic cartoon about a girl who hates life that only comes on The Cartoon Network Network after midnight, but still. Despite our store's all-female staff, I was looking forward to hot guys coming in and having lots of flirting opportunities with them.

And to be fair, they do. Hot guys come into the store all the time. Unfortunately, they come in with their equally hot girlfriends to pick out wedding invitations. And it's such a fucking tease, you guys. Such a tease. Last week this hot guy came in looking for stationary and I took like, 20 minutes to explain all of our paper options and helped him put together a nice combination of flat cards and envelopes and at the end he was like, "This is awesome. My wife is really going to like this." Really asshole? You couldn't have mentioned that this was for your wife a little earlier? And wear a ring, hippie. I just wasted my special reserve top-shelf customer service on you. Had I known you were married, I probably would have just pointed to the back of the store and been like, "Meh. It's all on that wall somewhere." Gawd.

My point being, you can imagine my excitement last week when an extremely attractive guy came in all covered in sweat, fresh from a run, asking if we had biodegradable envelopes he could use to pick up his dog's crap. Now I'm going to stop myself thereyes, he was looking for biodegradable envelopes to pick up his dog's crap. Yes, I just found out that my friends refer to not recycling as "Meg McBloggering". But with facial scruff like that and forearms like those, I'd chain myself to a tree and throw used tampons at BP gas pumps any day of the week if he asked.

Besides being painfully handsome, this gentleman had a few other things going for him: he was sans significant other, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring, he was in our store for a reason other than celebrating the love he'd found, and he was only a tiny blip on my gaydar. And in a city like Washington, D.C., I will take those odds and I will run with them.

Truthfully we had nothing that could really work for what he needed, but I wanted a chance to lay on the old Meg McBlogger charm, so I showed him our glassine and eco-white envelopes to buy myself some facetime. Unfortunately what I didn't factor into this situation was that "Meg McBlogger charm" is an oxy-moron and I was so excited that a hot, potentially single guy had wandered my way, I lost any social skills that I at any point ever had. (And mind you, I wasn't starting with much.)

But how could you blame me?! I've been waiting four months for this mythical creature to wander into the store and there he was! AND HE HAD A DOG! AND EMOTIONS ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT! Slightly obnoxious emotions, yes, but EMOTIONS nonetheless! If Nessie wandered over to a group of Loch Ness Monster Hunters and was like, "Hi! Here I am! Want some pictures, because I came with headshots!", you wouldn't expect them to be like, "Oh. Sure. Yeah. Good to see you. Leave them on the top of that pile over there, will you? Kay, take it easy." and go on with their day like nothing happened, would you? WOULD YOU?! No. So I'm sure you can understand what happened next.

As we discussed his dog, what we sell and what exactly it was that he was looking for, I don't want to say that I was shaking, but let's just say that I had been more still before. That and when I get nervous, I tend to talk a lot and really fast. So basically what I'm trying to say is he probably thought I had just made love to a giant vile of crack cocaine. We decided that the closest thing we had to what he was looking for was our glassine envelopes, but they didn't fit the bill perfectly. I then suggested that if he were in the mood for a lovely drive, he should check out "Bark", an eco-friendly pet store in Olney, Maryland, which I only know about because that's where I'm from. (And by the way, I'm still 100% shocked that I didn't suggest we swing by on our way to have brunch with my parents because I think it's high time they finally met. Shocked and a little proud.)

He was really fixated on our glassine envelopes, however, and kept stressing that they'd be perfect if they were a little wider so he could stick his hand in to pick up his dog's crap. We actually do have wider glassine envelopes, but unfortunately the flap on those are on the long side and not on top, so it wouldn't really be that conducive to shoving your hand in.

Now, what I meant to say to him at this point was, "Yeah. These [meaning the wider envelopes with the opening along the long side] won't work because you need the hand jab thingy at the top. [Makes jabbing motion in the air like you're sliding your hand into a bag that eggrolls come in when you get chinese]"

However, what I actually said was: "Yeah. These won't work. You need a hand job. [Repetitively jabs hand in the air, back and forth.]

YOU NEED. A. HAND. JOB.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!!?!?! It's like I could see the words that I was trying to say on a chalkboard, and then I could see the key words falling off and what's left moving together to suddenly make the most molestery sentence on the face of the planet.

I was looking down at the stack of envelopes when I said this, and when I realized what had just happened, I swear to god, my head shot up and I just stared ahead for a few seconds like a deer caught in headlights. Then, my eyes darted over and met his and we had the following conversation without ever having to say a word:

Him: Did...you just say

Me: YES. YES I DID. I'M SO SORRY.

Him: Like a hand jo

Me: PLEASE STOP. DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD. PLEASE JUST DON'T SAY IT.

Him: Do you really think I need a

Me: NO. I THINK YOU'RE PROBABLY DOING JUST FINE. I'M SO SORRY.

Him: So you have thought about me getting a

Me: I WILL PAY YOU CASH MONEY TO PLEASE JUST MOVE ON AND GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT YOUR ECO DOG.

"Yeah...I think I'm going to try a Chinese restaurant. Thanks for your help though."

And just like that, he walked out of my life and I spent the remaining two hours of my shift having random outbursts of, "HAND JOB. I said he needed a HAND JOB," while my co-workers shamelessly laughed at me.

And to think, I gave someone advice this week on how to not be socially awkward. Sigh...I clearly owe that person one helluva hand job.

56 comments:

Anonymous said...

I always heard that the opposite of a sausagefest was a clambake?

Katie said...

I think if he was worth your time and had a fun sense of humor, he would have laughed and managed to segue the hand job comment into shameless flirting. He didn't, so I think that means he actually sucks.

Anonymous said...

That was pretty much an (hand-wide) open, freudian invitation for an HJ, and he left?!! Definitely not worth your time like Katie says.

"Mike" said...

If you were smart you would have said "Oh my god, I'm sorry! What I meant to say was you need a blow job." And then winked.

Chad said...

One of my goals in life is now to have a complete and devastating awkward social encounter with Meg McBlogger.

Sasha said...

Meg-
Had I been in the store with you, I would have allowed you to collapse on the floor in a puddle of tears. Then I would tell you that you are just plain awesome. Imagine what that dude is thinking! He's probably totally in awe of what you said. Maybe he's embarrased, but probably happy that you were thinking about hand jobs. Guys can really only think of a few things......so maybe he's envisioning you giving him a hand job. That's not so bad eh?

lemonlemonlemon said...

I once told a very adorable man in the clothing shop I worked that I was "really sick of dick".... yeah...
what I meant to say was, "I'm really sick of being sick."
Dude slowly walked away. I know as soon as he was outside he picked up his phone to call all his friends and tell them what the idiot in the store told him.

http://thethreelemons.blogspot.com

Jess said...

Meggles, why do I not know you in person? We need to be best friends.

Juan Don said...

You have some hope that this guy is as socially awkward as you: he didn't even attempt to make this a flirting encounter. Shee-it, I'da run with *THAT* ball, hon.

Basically, I agree with Katie's comment from above.

Andrea said...

Thank gawd you posted this so late in the day. My last half hour at work (i.e. right now) I'm here all alone, and its a good thing because I let out the most obnoxious snort-laugh ever and by the end of this had tears literally streaming down my face. No way to explain that away in an office full of people.

Mollie said...

Labialalapalooza.

You're welcome.

Ali said...

Poor Meg haha. As soon as I read the "hand jab" part, I knew what was coming, and had an awkward empathy-induced nervous laugh for you.

But no worries, I once accidentally said to a guy I had a MAJOR crush on that "I love squeezing balls." I meant stress balls, but forgot to include that important detail because his hotness made me so nervous. However, I'm not sure that casually mentioning my random love for squeezing stress balls would've gone over a lot better, since that's basically like saying, "LOL, I AM AN ANXIETY-RIDDEN MESS AND NEED TO SQUEEZE THINGS TO FEEL BETTER. AREN'T I A GREAT CATCH?" So in the end, it was probably better to just sound like a testicle-loving slut. /End tangent.

And I agree with the consensus above that if he really was a cool guy, he would've flirted or at least shared a hearty laugh with you afterwards. His loss, not yours.

Becky Mochaface said...

I once told a rock star god that he had a beautiful face when I meant to say he had a beautiful voice. I died there on the spot. I did manage to eventually get over my social awkwardness and get married. Not to the rock star god but still. There's hope for you yet Meg McBlogger.

Anonymous said...

Per Penn & Teller, recycling is bullshit anyway: http://videosift.com/video/Penn-Teller-Bullshit-Recycling

Anonymous said...

Probs for the best...would you really want your wedding story to be how you met picking out poop envelopes and making plans for hand jobs?

Steph said...

hahahaha omg i'm CRYINGGGG! that was an epic post meggles, love it!

Jane said...

For a high school English class, I once had to write a journal entry on "The Place I Feel Safe." My friends spent most of that class teasing me about a guy I had just started dating, and, welp, I guess my brain just couldn't handle both subjects at once. When the (graded, but comment-less) essay was returned to me, I noticed I had accidentally titled it: "The Place I Feel Greg." The place I had chosen? My bed.

Stephanie said...

Hahahahaha ^ 10. hand job. hahahahaha
i love your life

MeganElise said...

You and I might be living the same life. Two stories: in HS, while working in at Dairy Queen I was waiting on the giy I'd been in lovce with since 7th grade and tried to say "I'm sorry your cone dip isn't working". What I actually said: "I'm sorry your dicks not working". And recently, while waiting tables at my part time job i tried while walking through the bar and caught myself by grabbing the crotch of some man sitting on a bar stool. Good thing he was in his late 50s and with his wife kids. The only positive there was that he was a tourist and didn't live here.

Nate said...

He should have at least replied with something about paying for the envelopes first...

Dog names said...

Why would somebody tatoo his dog's name on him? The dog will die and the man will have many decades to live with a dead dog's name on him....

Talia said...

YOU.WOULD.

Anonymous said...

CLAMBAKE!

Kerri said...

I'm CRYING... Meg.. Hilarious. Only you.

James F. College said...

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Oh God. Stop. Stop it. Please!

P. Walter Thomas III said...

I had an awkward conversation like this via text with an ex girlfriend once. It was like the first time talked 4 months after we broke up because she cheated on me. and she was complaining about how the guy she cheated with, cheated on her shortly there after (karma is a bitch). Anyone, she said some something, and I wanted to respond with, "you're probably right" but my Iphone for some reason thought it would be better to respond with "you're probably tight". I immediately freaked out, she said that it was fine and that it made her smile which she hadn't done in a while. But like katie said, if he was worth your time, he would have parlayed that comment into setting an appointment for said handjob.

Courtney P said...

Psh, if he wasn't interested in your hand jobs, Meg, then good riddance to hot, sweaty runner boy!

I'm trying to make your feel better, but honestly, if I would have said that, I would have DIED. D-I-E-D.

Courtney P said...

Buuuuuuuuuuuut, if it does make you feel ANY better, I once farted in front of my in-laws, my brother-in-law, and my bro-in-law's super hot, adorable girlfriend. So I tried to play it off by saying, "Hey, I farted."

Didn't work.

Lacey said...

I am going to get fired for laughing so hard at work. Meg, are you guys hiring? I can probably get through the day without sexually harassing the customers, but that wouldn't be nearly as much fun, and clearly that's not a job requirement.

That's potentially the funniest post this month. Congrats! Oh, but Sorr about your awkwardness.

Patricia said...

I give you a 10 out of 10 on the embarrassing chart and an 11 for being damn funny. That is just too funny.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian said...

I am dying. This is hilarious.

And totally something I would do.

Emz321 said...

Love love this. I have to share my embarrassing moments in order to move on myself so I get it :) I so needed a good laugh!

Anonymous said...

Beef Wallet Convention?

Lisa said...

I agree with the other posters- guy should have laughed and it should have turned into a cute flirting session. Lame. Screw him.

And to add to the list of embarassing stories being shared here- once at a business dinner, I was telling a story about my crazy old lady neighbor. I was talking about how she came over while I was home to take care of my lawn work. Instead of explaining it that way, I said really loudly, as the restaurant got really quiet, "She comes over and trims my bush!" Everyone just sat there in silence until my douche co-worker said, "Did you really just say that?" Everyone laughed. Except me. I turned beat red and wanted to die.

Cassie H. said...

Am I the only one that thinks it's weird to be shopping for envelopes for picking up dog poop?

Shelley Senai said...

OMG Meg, you are my hero.

Anonymous said...

I don't know whats worse a taco fest of ok people. Or one crazy white trash bitch.

Anonymous said...

first time in quite awhile that i literally laughed out loud at work uncontrolably!! thanks meg. :)

Diana said...

Funniest post yet. Still laughing.

Anonymous said...

Dude was gay. I would have taken you up on the offer.

Meghann said...

Hold, please, I am confused.

Was he actually looking to purchase a bulk amount of biodegradable envelopes for future poop-gathering purposes, or just asking for a single freebie envelope because his dog recently crapped outside your store?

Because I really hope he wanted AN single envelope for zero dolla, and you instead took him to the shmancy Bat Mitzvah section to really show him the goods he could be using for scooping.

Golden said...

That guy totally fucked up a great meet cute. I just laughed so hard I went into silent laugh with tears mode. It was glorious.

Anonymous said...

Honestly Meg, if he were any kind of catch at all he totally would have thought it was hilarious and asked you out BECAUSE you said he needed a hand job. Just sayin' you could do better.

And apparently I'm not the only one who thinks so!

Ron Burgundy? said...

Better late than never...but I totally agree with both Meghann and Cassie...who the fuck goes into a stationery store looking for poop bags in the form of professional-use envelopes? either way, he has missed out on a whole shit-ton of awesome.

I LOVE YOU MEG! And you should know that I follow you from the far corners of southern Africa, where I just moved. Internet is scarce...but the first thing I do besides check email is look up 2b1b!! LOVE YOU!!

mommablogsalot said...

Oh my lord, this made me laugh so hard I cried a little.

Anna said...

baaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha....SLASH, remember when lucy liu came into the store on xmas eve?!?

OREN ISH'I'Eeeeeeeee!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi, my name is Sam, I found this site called www.saveabreakup.com and after I followed the instructions on it, it helped me get my ex back, and we love each other now and forever :)

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