7.07.2010

I still say we write about our MSG shenanigans...

Well, reactions to “Worst of Netflix” were decidedly mixed, so we’re going to go with our second-choice new feature, Geography Pun of the Day.

Photobucket

In among all the “you suck” and “you didn’t suck until you did this, but now I’m reevaluating” and the occasional “MORE BLOODY BREASTS,” I noticed two repeating themes in the comment on my review of Grace:

You think I should watch “The Human Centipede,” and some of you don’t like features and prefer it when Meg and I talk about our lives. I looked “Human Centipede” up and I am SOLD whenever it comes to DVD. As far as the other goes: I like writing about things that happen to me better too. Those posts are generally easier to write, and I’m usually more satisfied with them. I have to point something out, though. I can’t vouch for Meg, but occasionally a day goes by when I don’t humiliate myself in public or Indian leg-wrestle a clairvoyant prostitute named Boom-Boom Jarowski. Once, in 2006, I went through a whole week of days like that, but then I may or may not have ruined that streak by falling onto a luggage-claim carousel and being dragged several feet, nearly realizing my fear of having my death reported under the headline, “Area Man Dies in Fluke (random object) Accident.” I know I make a big deal out of being “zany” and whatnot, but the sad fact is that a sizable minority of my days go by like last Tuesday did. I got up, formatted and published a blog post, ate a French bread pizza, drank a bottle of wine, and passed out watching cartoons. Humiliating? Sure, but not enough. I could lie and say, for example, that I started to choke and had to pull the French bread pizza out of my throat with two fingers, or that this terrible diet made me have

diarrhea

in front of everyone I knew, but I try to keep my writing truthful except for the stuff I tack on about sex and alcohol to make it more exciting. (Hi, Dad!)

Sometimes, the best-laid plans of bloggers fall flat. I had high hopes for a family fishing trip I went on a couple of weekends ago. Family? Rural setting? Catfish? I expected to get an epic out of it, a goofball farce before the mesquite-and-red-dust background of West Texas. Nope. Everyone behaved themselves, no one got drunk and fell in the lake, and the family was balanced enough between Democrats, Republicans, and secessionists that we left politics alone. The only remotely blog-worthy thing that happened was our emergency run to Bronte (not Bron-tay like the authors but Bront as in Brontosaurus – it’s about 20 miles from Tennyson) to get seasoned salt. I thought the phrase “We have to go to Bronte to get seasoned salt” was hilarious and giggled to myself the whole drive there. My sniggers were punctuated by Mom’s comments, inspired by an AARP magazine she found in the back seat, about her decision never, never, ever again to have a colonoscopy. It had all the ingredients - Mom, buttholes, austere Western landscapes – but it just wasn’t enough to make a post.

Likewise, last Saturday I had to work a Fourth of July children’s event. I don’t technically like children. They’re loud, they move fast, and they as often as not have snot all over their faces. I have a hard enough time talking to other adults; it’s nearly impossible with kids. It’s illegal (and impractical) to talk to them about sex and immoral to talk to them about liquor, which cuts my small-talk options down to the New Orleans Saints and medieval English history. These almost never work.

So, I had to sit at a table teaching kids to write with “quill pens.” Now, the organization sponsoring this event neither provided me with quill pens nor taught me how to use them. What they did was give me some feathers, a box cutter, and a jar of ink with the words, “You’re smart. You can figure it out.” That’s what they said about human interaction, and we can all see how that went. The whole situation was farcical but not really eventful, except when I was pulled onto the porch to help give a dramatic reading of the Declaration of Independence.

Even when we actively court blog-worthy events, sometimes fate intervenes. Meg and I were all primed to do an inaugural “2 Birds Investigates” about MSG, the flavor-enhancing food additive. This took the form of me stirring MSG into helpings of Chef Boyardee ravioli, Chicken Out mashed potatoes, beer, and butterscotch pudding, as Meg flopped over a chair and watched me with cold, dead eyes. We tasted the doctored helpings along with control servings of the foods, and it turns out MSG makes a noticeable difference, especially in the pudding. How did we think we would make this into a blog post? I don’t know. Similarly, today I was at the drugstore and thought, “You know, we talk about colon cleansing a lot, maybe I should just do it. Maybe it’s like LSD or a threesome and no one will know unless someone just DOES IT.” I ran into the following problems. Turns out, colon cleansers come in one strength: super. Nope. I’ll do a lot for my readers (both of you) but zero-to-sixty colon cleanse that throws me a foot in the air even as the toilet shatters – naaah. It is also impossible to buy single servings: the smallest amount I could buy was 240 capsules, totaling presumably dozens of anus-shredding “super” cleanses.

So, we’ll have to make some sort of deal. You put up with the occasional feature, and I promise to tell you immediately when something embarrassing happens. Everybody loses wins!

61 comments:

Non Sequitur Chica said...

I personally liked your "Worst of Netflix" feature. Again! Again!

Ultraparadoxical said...

Any post that includes the phrases "anus-shredding" and "Hi Dad!" is a winner to me - keep up the good work.

Alice said...

I have been to Bronte. My ex-husband has family on a ranch just outside of Bronte. I believe, based on my experiences there, that Bronte is the end of the world.

Jayme said...

hands down - best pun I've heard all day.

Anonymous said...

Glutamate is bad for you.

It disrupts your circadian rhythms.

Katie said...

I suggest when you have nothing fun to write about that you work on putting together a huge summer 2birds1blog drinking event.

Meg said...

I'm totally cool with the occasional feature -- or the regular feature! You know, I love y'all. I'm not picky. As long as I don't have to endure a no-post Monday, it's all good.

And I giggled all through this post, particularly when we got to the part regarding an MSG investigation. Meg and her cold, dead eyes? BAH.

Anonymous said...

i honestly didnt even know that msg was sold as a separate additive that people could buy. I thought it was like those scientific words, dextrose and "something else with a lot of syllables" that just kind of shows up in food.

corrie said...

i don't often comment but i do enjoy your posts more than often. love your writing and of course, this blog.

cocktailsattiffanys said...

Reading posts about your lives makes us feel better about humiliating ourselves daily as well, being able to come here and read this makes us feel like we aren't alone. Love it!!

Anonymous said...

The best colon cleanse comes in a $2.50 bottle at CVS called magnesium citrate. It's what you take prior to a colonoscopy...pills are a big scam :) Do it!

Caitlin said...

This is the greatest summary of children ever:
"It’s illegal (and impractical) to talk to them about sex and immoral to talk to them about liquor, which cuts my small-talk options down to the New Orleans Saints and medieval English history."

Anonymous said...

omg please do not do magnesium citrate - that is just asking for explosive diarrhea for 3 days straight. you feel clean yes, but holy hell.

Jess said...

Thank you for "SAAR about the bag". It is now my IM picture. The end.

Bridget said...

The funny thing about haters is that they're probably not funny. Ya know?

Anonymous said...

NPT and NPTH, apparently.

Anonymous said...

I liked the netfilx feature too! I read it twice laughing the whole time!

Kate said...

Hey Meg, where are the merch store bags.

Erica said...

I liked the Worst of Netflix feature but then again I have a sick fascination with all things B-rated.

Anonymous said...

I loved the Netflix feature! Do it again! only this time about "The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans" two words- Nicholas Cage

Anonymous said...

as if no post mondays werent bad enough... its infiltrated into other days of the week :(

Ashley said...

"SAAR about the bag". Hi-larious.

Laylapalooza said...

I second? third? the request for more "Worst of Netflix." I don't really have any suggestions as far as that goes, but I enjoyed your recap.

Anonymous said...

okay lots of no post days. I miss you guys!!!! I mean really.

Anonymous said...

My vote is against the Netflix recaps because very few of us can relate. Someone suggested the great idea of doing a recap of a BRAVO tv show. I'm sure the 2b1b community watches those more than obscure movies. I'm surprised there aren't any RHONJ recaps. Danielle is all kinds of crazy.

Anonymous said...

is meggles alive

Jess said...

God, I miss you guys. COME BACK!

Clara said...

where are you?! :(

Anonymous said...

wtf guys...I am having to do actual work at work. Not cool.

Anonymous said...

2 posts in 1 week is not sufficient. I don't like having nothing to do when I don't feel like working:(

kerry a. said...

i <3 TC.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather have to endure a "worst of netflix" post than have to endure all these days of non-posting (sorr about the comment, but it wasn't my favorite feature). seriously, come back please!

Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

TGI HAGMAN??? As of 2:21PM on July 9, 2010....Larry Hagman is....ALIVE!

katherine said...

UGH WHERE ARE YOU

Anonymous said...

ugh... so bored at work. nothing to read. anyone have any suggestions of funny things to read? other, more reliable blogs, perhaps.

sorry about the asshole comment, but it's a Friday at 3:30...I'm cranky and bored from a no-post-Tuesday, -Thursday, -Friday week....

Anonymous said...

So I was rull nervous that Larry Hagman was dead because I couldn't think of any other reason why you wouldn't post on TGI Hagman, but I checked it out and as of 3:30pm Larry Hagman is still ALIVE! Phew! I did see on twitter though that you have a cold, so I hope you get better really soon! No one likes a sick Meglet :(

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to endure your transitory phase but the least you could do is post why your not posting on the days you're supposed to post...

Anonymous said...

Maybe they tried the magnesium citrate after all and are stuck in the bathroom.

Anonymous said...

disappointed in you guys...

abby. said...

dear meg and chris,
marco?

Anonymous said...

I expect an exceptional series of posts to come. you guys left me hanging for realz (and apparently a few others as well) love you..but not cool meggles & tc, not cool...

we love you dearly that's why we MISS you and need you back in our lives asap!

pressure is ON.

Anonymous said...

sadface. that is all.

Abbie said...

I feel like if we're going to request such regular posts from a couple of people writing a blog for fun we should look to support them monetarily, yes? There is no such thing as a free lunch, and so there is also apparently no such thing as a free full time hilarious blogger.

For serious though, the people that do write blog entries every single day produce some boring crap. Sometimes there needs to be time to allow the creative writing juices to steep.

This is their hobby, not their job.

Anonymous said...

"I feel like if we're going to request such regular posts from a couple of people writing a blog for fun we should look to support them monetarily, yes?"

Not to be all cunty or anything but I thought that was the perk of the merch store. But here we are: no posts & no merch. I kinda feel like a chump.

A few more weeks like this and I'm going to be metaphorically walking away with this song playing in the background....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uqBTzfcIk4

SORR ABOUT THE HONESTY

Anonymous said...

Twitter indicates she is sick and mailing merch.

That said I will not begrudge her or TC for not blogging constantly. I will however say that while this is a "free" hobby and whatever they ask for us to vote and buy things to support the blog itself. I believe we are entitled to know the posting schedule.

That's my rant. Feel better Meg. Don't let us haters get you down.

Kate said...

I literally agree with everything said in the comment above.

Anonymous said...

I miss you guys as well, I hope you feel better meg I have been reading through the blog archives 2008 to get me through the week! oh and I like the feature, I have been watching the same movies on HBO for the past two weeks...I don't mind something different at all! or maybe you could post on your favorite movies and why they are your favorite movies?

hugs, please come back next week!

Anonymous said...

I say 1000 mg of vitamin C and Chicken noodle soup. Somebody send Meg some home made lovin. I would but I'm on the other side of the globe.

Abbie said...

No, I hear you about the merch, it does totally suck that it's taken so long to get stuff shipped; but extenuating circumstances you know? It's like the "23 is everywhere!" guy and 23 flavors Dr. Pepper got in a fight and then Meg went to Ireland before stuff got sent and then her computer literally EXPLODED! Really good timing!

I also don't mean to be cunty, it just bums me out when people get mad and say mean things when Meg and Chris have to deal with life and don't have as much time to devote to the blog as we (and I'm sure they) would like.

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