Get ready to puke—it's EMOTIONS FRIDAY!!!!!!1

T.G.I. Hagman, babies! And man is this one needed. I've had a wee bit of "a week", if you will, but I'm fine. It happens every now and then. I'm overly-emotional. And by "overly-emotional", I mean I have "clinical depression." BAHAHAHA. But before we get into all of that mishegoss, let's check in on the one true son of GodLarry Hagman.


As of 1:27am on July 2, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! May Hagman be with you. (And also with you.) Good evening. (Good evening.) [...Yes? No? Catholic mass anyone? No? Heathens.]

I don't really know how to describe what's been up with me this week without sounding like a giant, whiny downer (although that's never stopped me before...) so I'm going to try to make it brief: shit sucks right now. There it is. As is the exhausting theme of my life, everything that could possibly go wrong recently has gone wrong. In a very big way. And you'd think I'd be used to that by now, but I'm not. And as I always do, I keep it all bottled up inside of me until one day I'm rolling around on the floor hysterically crying because it's too humid to properly wrap a gift with double-sided tape.

And you know what the queerest thing is? That blog panel Tulane Chris and I did last week really fucked with my head. I don't know what's happening to me. I had such thick skin after design school and now I'm all, "THAT FLOWER'S LOOKING AT ME FUNNY! BOO HOO HOO HOO I'M ON MY PERIOD!" I don't know how to describe what happened last Thursday without sounding like a total fucking asshole because 1.) we were honored to even be invited to participate at all; 2.) Glory from ihatemy9to5 was so incredibly sweet and cute and I don't want to disrespect her; 3.) A bunch of fun-as-shit readers went out to dinner with us afterwards and that was totally worth it in and of itself.

But honestly? It was kind of a downer. What I took from our candid discussion with four other bloggers on the craft of blogging was this: we will never make money; EVER; The Apocalypse is probably more probable than a book deal; we're not trying hard enough; Tulane Chris and I might be alcoholics and Dan from Prince of Petworth is kind of a dick. I mean. Really. He was the moderator and the first thing he said was, "I'm actually not familiar with any of the blogs on this panel, so I guess we'll learn about them together!" What? You sit at a computer all day. You couldn't hop on The Google and learn a few things about the blogs you're in charge of discussing later? And then there was always our less than warm introduction. He was like, "And this next blog I only know because they beat me for City Paper's Best Blog this year. [Scoffs] Say hello to 2birds1blog." We were like, "...........Oh...Hi." Not to mention the awkward and insulting questions he asked Tulane Chris ranging from "where's your vagina?" to "does it get cold living in Meg's shadow?" Christ. If we were going to participate in a panel dashing all of my dreams, it would have been cool to at least have a moderator who gave a fuck.

So then I went into this tailspin all week being like, "why do we even do this? Nothing is ever going to come of this. But like, ever. I'm going to work at Paper Source for the rest of my life just barely making rent and end up in a creepy polyamorous relationship with a box of Kashi Go-Lean and a bottle of Paxil." All of which I kept inside, naturally. Healthy decisions. Actual conversation from Saturday:

Chris: Something's wrong with you.

Me: Yeah. I'm kind of...meh.

Chris: What's going on?

Me: 'Eh. I don't really want to talk about it.

Chris: OK. Well. Would you rather talk it out with me, your friend and business partner, now, or would you rather keep it inside until it you're crying in bed at midnight watching Bridezillas sometime next week?

Me: Ooo! I'll take the latter!

And then we got ice cream, went to a party, never talked about it again, yada yada yada, crying over adhesives.

But you know what I realized during my Emo Week of Wah? It's fine. Not making any money is fine. Never getting our "break" is fine. I am fine. Because writing this blog is fun. Infinitely more fun than any "real" job I've ever had, so who cares if I eat tin cans for the rest of my life like a goat and friends of friends think I'm a trust fund kid who doesn't do anything "real" all day. [Cough...No but seriously. Someone actually said that to my face. The theme of this past week has been "Say something extremely offensive to Meg McBlogger and watch her squirm!" And I wouldn't "hate" it if it stopped.]

So basically what I'm trying to say is: I'm sorry I've been a giant emotional loser this past week, I'm sorry the blog suffered because of it, I have sufficiently given myself a wedgie and told myself to get over it and I expect next week to have 30% more posts with 90% less emotions. I'll be re-posting last year's 4th of July Drinking Game on Sunday, so make sure you and your liver check back for that doozy. Also, Queer Abby will be back in full force Monday morning, so get excited for the return of the ying and (Kevin) Yang of advice columns.

I leave you now with Tulane Chris' Blog Panel/Weekend at Evie's Drinking Game!

Drink when:

Someone uses the word “monetize.”

Meg and Chris drink too much and/or talk too much.

Someone comments on Meg and Chris drinking too much.

The Prince of Petworth asks Tulane Chris if he feels “emasculated” by the name 2 Birds 1 Blog, “because when he hears ‘bird’ he thinks of a woman.”

The Prince of Petworth asks Tulane Chris if he feels emasculated:

- during his menstrual period

- during his twice-yearly visits to the gynecologist

- when his father gave him away at the altar

- when he’s cast as Maria in his high school’s production of “The Sound of Music”

- because of his clear, sweet soprano

- during his mammogram

- by the fact that his full name is Tulane Chris Gladys Victoria Imogen Adelaide Blogger-Blog

- by his two X chromosomes

- by his clitoris

- because of his striking resemblance to the late Jayne Mansfield

- by the “F” on his driver’s license

- by his through-the-roof estrogen levels

- by his flawless portrayal of Sally Bowles in a local dinner theatre production of Cabaret

- by his wide, childbearing hips

- by his long struggle with ovarian cancer

- during his several pregnancies

- because people are always checking out his "gams"

- because he always the lucky girl picked to play the Virgin Mary in his Chruch's nativity scene

- because when he lost his virginity, a hymen was torn. And that hymen was his.

- when he won “Miss Congeniality” at the 2006 Miss Texas pageant

- by his membership in the League of Women Voters

- during his two years as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader

- when passersby say of him, “There goes a real lady.”

When a woman in the audience rises to ask a question, but instead of asking a question talks about how she’s a real writer who went to school to be a writer. At St. John’s College. In Annapolis.

When you decide, “Fuck it! I’m moving to Annapolis to be a writer!”

When, once in Annapolis, it all comes together, and you write several novels described in the New York Times Book Review as “luminous, with a depth and sincerity seldom seen, especially so consistently and in one so young.”

Evie refuses.

Meg makes you wait an extra half-hour for lunch because “Evie and I were having kind of an intense cuddle. She may or may not have drooled on me."

I'm sorry, but that last one is a point of pride. And she did drool on me. Have a great weekend everyone and wave a mini flag for me on the 4th! L8rs.


Ellyn said...

Meg. You rule. The world. Several bazillion times over. You and Tulane Chris both, but methinks you need to hear it most at this point in time. Though, ya know. If Chris has a downer, too, I can post it again with the names changed. ;)

I mean seriously, if it weren't for the fact that I'm sixteen and living in the southernmost depths of Australia, I would totally come over to your house, give you a bear-hug, make you the biggest damn mug of hot chocolate ever (with extra marshmallows and a box of cookies to go with it), sit you down on the couch and read passages from The Book Of Yang to you over and over again until we both reach enlightenment and save the world from the heathens who don't follow the Word of Yang.

Plus I'd bring my pet kangaroo. I'm pretty sure that in itself is enough to cheer up anyone.

Anyway, I've read the blog for a while, but this is my first comment. I saw the post and thought, dammit, I'm going to make a nuisance of myself. Hope it all goes right for ya both, with or without crazy-girl-and-kangaroo visit.

Anna said...

Woot Catholics!

Whatever Meg, you guys are awesome.

Anonymous said...

You WILL make money off of this blog. Do not let anyone with the word "Prince" in their name make you feel otherwise. You should have asked him if its emasculating for him to use a symbol as his name.

And Annapolis is overrated (no it's not I grew up there!!!) so don't become one of those snobby writer snobs and move there.

YAY BLOGS. I'm hungover/still drunk. The. End.

Meghann said...

At least you will never have a blog called "PRINCE OF PETWORTH," or (hopefully, at least) the following post title:

Delores on the Only Way to Eat Corned Beef by Danny Harris


Anonymous said...

Wait, Prince of Douche was even in the running for best website? Jesus Christ (I mean...JEWS!). You guys must have won in a landslide. What a shi**y website. Oh well, I guess you can't spell poop without PoP.

Katie said...

Meg - no need to fret my pet, your blog is the reason for getting through my work day, because, let's be honest, working at a small non profit that is about to fold really does suck! So having your lovely, quippy, sardonically irreverent (Waiting for Guffman, anyone?) blog to read makes my life. Because, when I get uber depressed, there's nothing I love more than a good ole fashioned read through of your blog and blogs archive. Ahh, the simple things in life.

But in all seriousness, even if I don't have a pet kangaroo to cheer you up - please take solace in the fact that you and Tulane Chris honest to God make my day. And in the world of oil well explosions and all that other depressing jazz, it's nice to have one thing to look forward to. So thanks.

Melissa said...

Meg- You are amazing! I say that only because you remind me of a witty and funny version of myself. Seriously. I'm way the hell up in New England don't know didly about DC but still enjoy your humor oh so much! You WILL be a success. There is no choice in the matter!

PS - Petworh is totally worthless. Lamest. Blog. Ever.

Mary said...

Meg! I'm usually not a commenter so this might be because I'm still wasted at work and my head hurts from falling backwards on it at TomTom last night BUT you are hilarious and I love this blog. This is the only blog I read. Also the Prince of Petworth blogs about his favorite GARDENS. Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

PoP is such an Ahole and his blog sucks. He blogs about apartment rentals and shitty restaurant openings. Who wants to read that? NOONE that's who. There is no way he could ever be close to having the best blog, so don't let him rattle your feathers. You and Chris are amazing! Obviously that's why you keep winning everything. I think (and hope!)you will definitely make money off this someday. Don't be discouraged and don't give up. Even though we sometimes bitch and moan when there is a no post monday or we aren't feeling a certain post, you have to know that we all love you.

Randomguy said...

So, Meg, as a guy more than twice (really!) your age, I have this advice:
1. Getting the GOOD JOB is totally arbitrary & therefore can happen when you least expect it. People hire for bizarre reasons.
2. My neighbor's dog blew out a knee & he is getting "put down,"so it could be worse!
3. My knee kinda hurts, but as a loyal reader, I know you have my back (but could you stay sober until I'm out of the driveway, just in case?)
Enjoy your holiday!

Anonymous said...

I hate blogs. With a passion. I think they're boring. as. balls. and generally have very little point.

that being said I read your blog religiously. You and your hijinkys are hilarious. If any anyone is getting a book deal its you.

Anonymous said...

Meg, please. You are the best since...I dunno....sliced bread topped with government cheese. (also have you considered food stamps? you and most of your readers are likely eligible if you make under $30 K and live in DC. there is NOTHING wrong with government cheese!)

Prince of Petworth is a douchebag. Every other blogger in DC knows this. For real. All we do at silly blogger round tables and shit is bitch about how much we hate Dan. Also - he hates it when you call him Dan, and not Prince of Petworth (his voicemail greeting, and I am not kidding, is "Hi, you've reached the Prince of Petworth"). So I will never ever call him anything but Dan, or Danny when I'm drunk.

Point is, you have a lot more respect in DC and he knows it. And if you couldn't tell he's remarkably uncomfortable being usurped by anyone. He's also extremely cheap and kind of a misogynist. If I ever meet you, which I probably won't because most DC bloggers are closet cases who hate The Sun and arcane notions like Friendship and Human Contact, I will buy you a beer and regale you with stories.

Elisa said...

We like you even when you're being a whiney, good-for-nothing emo kid. I know that sounded like it wasn't aa compliment, but it was.


I think that we ALL need a big dose of Kevin Yang. Kevin Yang will make everything all better!

S said...

from a long time reader, but a really sporadic commenter-

you guys RULE. honestly. i know you've heard that time and time again but i can't begin to express the twinge of excitement i always get when i turn my computer on for the first time in the morning, knowing that there is a 2b1b waiting to be read. i KNOW that sounds completely contrived but it's the complete freaking truth.

screw the naysayers, you've got a lot going for you with this blog and you WILL go places. prince douche can shove it as far as i'm concerned.

Veronica said...

Meg & Chris,

I know I am just reiterating what others have already said but you both are amazing writers. Don't let some douche make you doubt yourself. I sometimes look at PoP but I am boycotting and not reading his blog ever again. Seriously he does not even write. He posts other peoples comments and questions and then asks his readers to answer the questions for him. Now that is one lazy fucktard!

This blog is on a whole other level and the other DC bloggers are just plain jealous. For christ sakes you have some one making comments from Australia with a pet kangaroo!!! I would like someone to name another DC blogger who has that kind of fan base.

Needless to say you are both awesome. And Chris, I would rather be called a bird than a f**kin waste of space like Danny boy over there.

Smooches my favorite birdies!

Anonymous said...

I second what Anonymous said. If the Prince of Petworth truly asked Chris repeatedly about feeling emasculated, then he is def some sort of arrogant, narcissistic, misogynist douchebag! I will never read his blog again! It's not like he blogs about conventionally masculine topics like...I don't know...cars and BBQed meat? He talks about doors and pretty stained glass windows! He was clearly just pissed that the panel wasn't an all out prostrating-boot kissing-homage to him.

I don't know if you'll make money from this blog either. I do know that you ARE doing something "real" and important. Comedy is a powerful social force!

Melody said...

I'm thinking Dan is having some compensation issues... just sayin'

At least you don't dub yourself the Queen of Dupont or something...

Heather said...

Meg, my dear, I too have had an overly emotional week. What with family issues, financial issues, and worrying about the future. Kinda sounds similar, huh? Any who, I broke down in tears this morning over a parking ticket. Well mainly because it was undeserved and the parking department guy was mean. But when I first got to work, I thought I know who can cheer me up...Meg!! So let’s both be less emotional next week, deal? Cause, gurl I don’t think I can handle it! (Now I have bootylicious stuck in my head)

Anonymous said...

Perhaps all DC blogs suck compared to this one:


Anonymous said...

What's up with the Sorr About the Bag bag being sold out? I was just about to place an order!

Anonymous said...

I started reading your blog a year ago. And I found it SO good that I fucked off at work for an entire week to go back and read all the posts in 2B1B history. It is THAT good. And like everyone else said, it's the only blog I read. I wish I was a book publisher so I could give you your first break. But I guess if I ever meet one, I'll send them your way.

Kelsey said...

Sounds like Prince of Petworth's got a case of the JEALOUS....

Really, Meg. You are awesome and this blog is amazing and makes me laugh, every day.

Kori said...

I'm with ya! I can barely pay my rent or my tab for 2-buck chuck. Hell, I can barely afford Boone's at this point.

But I love my freakin' job and remind myself everyday that I go to work in sweats and flip flops that I'm having more fun than 95 percent of the people sitting in a cubicle saving money because they never have time to spend it.

Hail our generation.

Mandingo said...

Hey Meg,
I never post, but just wanted to say thank you for being the lone bright spot in my otherwise drab and dreary days. I'm hoping that some kind of "Tipping Point" thing will happen to get some more moolah coming your way. "Sorr bout the bag" has become part of my friends' lingo. Keep at it, champ.

Andrea said...

Meggles....I don't know what ur talking about re: the blog suffering...yesterday's post had me laughing so hard I started tearing up at work (and this time not because I hate my job -win!).

I don't know how you manage to cook up such hilarious blogs about everyday life - but seriously I think this blog is amazing and you are an insanely talented writer.

Tell all the haters and anonymous commentators to go to piss off

Anonymous said...

We love you when you're up and when you're down, so don't apologize.

I'll be shocked and stunned if this blog DOESN't turn into a $ generating book/show/movie, and I am looking forward to the day when 2birds1blog is in major headlines and I can brag to all that I've been a loyal fan from the beginning.

Happy 4th.

Sarah said...


I'm another long time reader, first time commenter that feels compelled to post today. Your blog is yes, the only one I read and at least once a week I crack up in the AU law library over something you've written to which my friends look up and ask "2b1b?". I retell the "Jews!" story as if it was one of my friends that told me the story at happy hour, laughing so hard in the middle because I know what's coming that the people around me usually get up and leave before I can finish it.

This is all to say that I suppose it's possible that you might not be the next Dooce, but it's also possible that you will. And as a first time commenter, I can say for sure that you have more support in this city and across the country (and apparently world) than you could possibly know. Keep up the good work; we're routing for you.

Rosy said...

I love this blog. I yum on it everyday. Lately I've been referring to it as my "mood stabilizer." Anyway, sorry to hear the panel was such a mind fuck. Not to be creepy buuut I totally had plans to fly out after work (from Chicago) then fly back in for work Friday morning. Alas, I must have misplaced that $700 I had lying around...

Anonymous said...

Please - can you make this blog more narrow? My screen resolution from 1985 is having a hard time adjusting to the extremely wide layout of the text. Plus - I REALLY love having to scroll while I read.

Anonymous said...

Well I don't ever comment...but I did email you once with a Sorr About the Bag e-card, so holla if ya hurr me. Anywho, I read your blog every day and same with every person around me because though I'm straight, they all know you're my girl crush and I force them to listen when i'm heaved over laughing. 2birds is seriously the highlight of my day. It's hilarious, real, humble and clever.

Truelife, you're funnier than 95% of the people you will encounter and work with...AND you have enough class and composure that, though you might ask random asian men if they're delivering your food, you wouldn't use your moderator time to hate on a blog that's better than yours.

And even if you're not getting paid right now (you will soon, i'm positive), you have thousands of people reading your stories and you brighten our days. That matters and you should be really proud of yourself and your work.

ps. 29 hours in a box with Prince of Petworth or satan?

Anonymous said...

Please tell me that you work at the Paper Source in Georgetown! You might be getting some visitors haha...

Anonymous said...

Just to reiterate what everyone is saying: I absolutely love this blog and specifically go on every day just to read it...I get so excited whenever there's a new post! Keep at it Meg and don't let those other bloggers try to bring you down.

Emz321 said...

I totally get it, sometimes things get you down and you can't get over it right away, it's just life I think. Luckily you have so many readers who care, will listen and still totally laugh at your posts during emo week. :) I know I'm not from as far away as Australia but you've also got a devoted reader from Idaho. I would bet your readers are from all over with a wide age range, and that says a lot about your blog and it's potential.

new reader said...

trash talking other people is plain uncool.
so dan made some stupid comments and weak attempts at jokes? he apologized. if you can't accept the apology, you have every right to remain offended.
but thats not reason for hurling insults.

Glory said...

I’m stunned my panel created “blogger beef”. I feel AWFUL. 2birds1blog I love you but I’m surprised by the emo spew on poor defenseless PoP. He sincerely enjoyed learning about your blogger experience…vagina comments aside his intentions were sincere and he’s really a nice guy. Can we call truce? Let’s drink lager until we blackout and forget everything. My treat. xoxo.

Erica said...

Meg, you are awesome. And never say never about never getting a break. Tucker Max was a blogger and now has a couple of books and a movie...and quite honestly, I find you and Tulane Chris's antics much more entertaining and relate-able than his. So there's that.

R said...

I've had a shithole of a week as well (yay for getting laid off, then rejected by all 200+ jobs I've applied for so far!) and I'm pretty sure I'm going to bust into tears once I'm done typing this, because I don't have a blog and thus don't have anybody willing to comment-stroke my ego.

But um, thanks for being honest because I HATE every other blogger right now. They all act like their lives are perfect, or boohoo FML new rims for my Audi are going to take 3 weeks to come in. It sucks to be young and unemployed and being too scared to apply to Taco Bell, because what if they reject me too?

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before, but it seems like you could use a boost! I love reading your blog, and I'm not even from the DC area. I live in Chicago and a friend emailed me your link, then I emailed a friend, and they emailed a friend...anywho, I think you're an incredibly funny writer and look forward to reading this blog every week. You guys rock!

Anonymous said...

PoP is shit. I've been on the sharp end of his ignorant tongue myself before. He needs to learn how to act in polite society before he's ever let out of his kennel again.

Also, when was the last time you actually read anything on PoP that didn't begin with: "Dear PoP ... " Its like he's the new Dear Abby.

Caroline said...

I blog, and I *thought* I was sardonically funny as all git-out, and then a friend shared 2B1B with me, and... well, damn. You outfunny me on my funniest funny streak and you're half my f*cking age, whippersnapper! The interwebs is truly a meritocracy, and you are its royal family.

Anonymous said...


Sorr about the rag?

Rachel said...

I'm a few days late, but everyone else has said it here: your blog is awesome. you're a gifted (and hilarious) writer. sometimes, I read your blog and thing, "oh my god, she GETS it!" you do a brilliant job, so keep it up. props from south FL!

Anonymous said...

I must hop on the "This Blog is Awesome" wagon (and apparently pull you with me??)

This blog is awesome! It's the reason why I got into blogs so long ago - you're open, honest, authentic (and how often do you find that in DC??)

Please don't let one panel/asshole stop this gravy train. Because regardless of what you think, the mere Experience of starting/running/merchandising/promoting this blog is gonna do you good somewhere down the line.

Do you, girl.

Many Manifestos said...

I hate jumping on bandwagons, so I hope you will appreciate the immense effort it took to climb on to this one.

This blog is funny. Do you know how amazing that is? Funny is a brush that is nearly impossible to paint with. Don't let the possibilities of the future change the facts of the past.

I was at that panel, and I will concede that PoPW was conceited. But no one cared about him, we were there for you guys.

-B- said...

1) I miss posts! Get well soon - having a cold in DC in the summer is hellish, hope you can beat it soon.

2) While visiting my former AU roommate and good friend in Chicago this weekend I recommended your blog to her. AND IT TURNS OUT SHE KNOWS YOU. It was like finding out she's been buddy-buddy with Dan Savage or the girl who writes Jezebel; I may or may not have totally geeked out and insisted she prove it to me via Facebook. Which she did, albeit while giving me a weird look like, "why are you reacting like this to my revelation that while at AU, a fairly small school with an even smaller population of non-douchebags, I knew this chick?"

So while it was disappointing to finally learn for certain that no, I myself did not know you, it was neat to see what stage of Six Degrees of Meghan McBlogger I fall into. KTHXBYE.

Anonymous said...

um, I go to St. John's and I can tell you for damn sure that it is not even remotely a college where one goes to learn the Craft of Writing. it's a college where white boys and some hardy white girls who wish they were white boys go to jerk off to Plato.

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