7.21.2010

You Know What Ruffles My Feathers?: The Oddly Specific Edition

This may come as a surprise but I actually sympathize with The Gay's struggle for equal marriage. Not so much because I want to marry someone of the same gender, but more-so because I too am in a relationship that Johnny Law refuses to recognize. You see I want to marry a television show. And that television show is MTV's "True Life."

If you've never heard of MTV's "True Life", you might as well just kill yourself because your life has been a sick, sick joke up until now. According to imdb.com, "'True Life' follows three unique persons in their everyday situations, and documents the problems and goals they face." According to Meg McBlogger, "'True Life' is an ocular orgasm that is, and continues to be the only reason I wake up in the morning."

I love "True Life" because no matter what topic they're exploring or what year it was filmed in, it's always vaguely 2001-ish, everyone is slightly white trash and from Florida, and there's just so much...denim. And emotions. I mean, that's what I call real reality television right there. You can keep your Speidi's and your perfectly coiffed "City" cast and your what have you's. I'll take brassy highlights, a pack of Newports and an outfit from Fashion Bug any day of the week.

The only other person I've met who truly understands my obsession with "True Life" is Ex Co-Blogger Chris. When we lived together, I'd estimate a good 65% of our Saturday nights started out with turning on a "True Life" marathon as background noise when we got ready, and ended with the two of us grossly overdressed, eating DiGiorno pizzas we got at the gas station across the street and spooning on the futon in our fifth straight hour of "True Life: I Hate My Face". And you know what? Those nights were fun, drunk and inexpensive. You show me a problem with that and I will show you Gideon Yago's home phone number.

I wish I could say that I love every episode of "True Life", but it's just not so. While I love most episodesTL: I'm a Southern Bell; TL: I I Have Embarrassing Parents (1 and 2); TL: I'm Driving While Black; TL: I'm in a Polyamorous Relationship; TL: I'm an Urban Cheerleader...I mean why even attempt to make a list? That could be a post in and of itselfthere remains one episode that I can't fucking stand. One episode that not matter how many times I sit down and force myself to watch it (and Lord knows I have), I can not make it through the entire episode. So, you know what ruffles my feathers? MTV's "True Life: I Work In the Sex Industry".

TL:IWITSI follows three young people: Aaron, a straight guy who happens to be a gay pornstar; Shawntelle, a college student who has a campus radio show about her sex life; and Rebekah, the office manager of a porn production company. I don't know if MTV cast this episode on a Friday before a 3-day weekend, but all of these plot lines seem insultingly half-assed to me. I mean, Aaron's legit, I have no problem with him, but Shawntelle and Rebekah? Really, MTV? You couldn't find anyone willing to talk to you who was slightly more established in the sex industry than those two? I mean, when I think about people who work in the Sex Industry, prostitutes, doms, strippers and fetishists come to mind. Not sophomores at Cal State Long Beach who want more attention. Are you seriously trying to tell me that the same production company who found three people willing to shoot up heroin on camera couldn't find one measly grad student with a whip, a Craigslist account and an open-mind? Shit, you could have called me and I'd have given you Ex Co-Blogger Eddie's number and saved us all some time and stress.

I reiterate that I have no problem with Aaron's plot line (his uncle disowns himcompelling!) but whatever film crew followed Shawntelle around with a camera for a month straight deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor. Because we all went to college with Shawntelle. Maybe it wasn't that Shawntelle, but it was a Shawntelle. I took Gender in Society my sophomore year of college (because AU is the gayest institution of higher learning in America so it was obviously a Gen Ed,) and my Shawntelle was in that class. I forget her name, but she was the campus newspaper's sex columnist and she raised her hand at least 10 times a class to share a story from her vast library of personal sexcapades.

Our professorwho I hated: Briana Weadockwas all about sharing, so class participation was an obnoxious 15% of our final grade. (She obviously loved Shawntelle.) I, on the other hand, ended up getting an A- in the class that should have been an A, but was bumped down because I never shared. My not sharing had nothing to do with my academic competence in that class. I wrote a damn good paper applying the theory of Docile Bodies to Hedwig's on and off-stage body language in Hedwig and the Angry Inch and it was was like a bukkake film of gender studies buzzwords and meticulously spun bullshit. She loved it. But I ended up getting an A- in the class because I didn't want to share. Oh, I'm sorry; it's 8:30 in the morning. Sorry if I don't want to raise my hand and tell you about the time I french kissed my best friend at field hockey camp. Christ.

Rebeckah infuriates me on so many levels that I have to break it down into numerical points to keep my thoughts straight. This is what the True Life: I Work in the Sex Industry synopsis has to say about Rebekah:

Rebekah loves her job for a company that produces amateur-style X-rated videos. Unfortunately, she fears that guys don't think of her as relationship material because of her career. Tired of being alone, Rebekah sets out to find a man who will love her for who she is. She tries Speed Dating, but all the guys there have the typical response of assuming she's only interested in sex and nothing more. Next, Rebekah attends a porn convention for work and hopes she might find a boyfriend in the industry. Unfortunately, the only cute guys are the gay porn stars. She is able to find a cute new girl to star in her company's movies, which leads to getting her own office. But even with all her success, Rebekah wishes she had someone to share her joy with.

1.) You are on office manager. If "working in the sex industry" is wreaking so much havoc on your personal life, maybe you should stop defining your job as "in the sex industry". Perhaps instead tell a gentleman friend that you're an "office assistant" or an "administrator". Because you "are". The "Did you know I work in the Sex Industry??" card might be more of a third date kind of thing.

2.) You don't even technically work in the sex industry! When I worked for Soap Opera Digest and people asked me what I did, I didn't tell them that I was "in soaps" or "in the entertainment industry." Why? Because they would obviously assume that I was an actress and then we'd have to have an uncomfortable conversation about how I wasn't an actress, I was just a low-level layout artist at the nation's foremost soap opera publication. And that's embarrassing. So instead I'd say, "Oh, I'm a graphic designer." "Oh really, where?" "Ack. It's kind of embarrassing, but Soap Opera Digest." "Ha ha, really? That's so kitschy." "I know, right?" "Yes. We should have sex." "Agreed. "

See? See how that went? And when you're taking pick-up advice from Meg McBlogger, you know you're in trouble.

3.) Do you know what reader @cortmccoy tweeted me today? This image:
Photobucket
A lot of IT departments block this blog because of its "Adult Content." If the blog is written by me and about my life, that means that I am the creator and source of the offensive Adult Content in question. I don't work supporting the Adult Content, I am the Adult Content. Thus I conclude that this means I am more qualified to tell people that I work in the sex industry than you are. (And not that I write a blog about fart jokes and emotions.) Just. Say. Office. Administrator.

4.) The speed-dating scene is so infuriating, I want to stab myself in the eye with freshly sharpened pencils every time I try to watch it. This is an actual conversation that transpires between her and one of her dates:

Date: So what do you do?

Rebekah: I work in porn.

Date: Oh! So you're like...a porn star?

Rebekah: No I'm an office assistant. I don't like, fuck on camera for money or anything.

Date: Oh. [And I swear to god he says this] Normally when I meet people for the first time I try to, like, make a good first impression.

Rebekah: Oh.

Sir, I have no desire to live in the greater Los Angeles area, but I will absolutely date you for more than 10 minutes.

5.) When speed-dating fails, Rebekah decides to throw a party in her apartment and asks her friends to bring single guys to set her up with. Unfortunately, her friends (who all look like they've been dipped by the heels into a Hot Topic...) don't know any single guys, so she ends up getting wasted, locking herself in the bathroom with two guys (who judging by their awkward body language are only casual acquaintances,) cries and refers to herself as "totally doable." I mean, this episode would have made way more sense if it was called, True Life: I'm That Girl.
Photobucket

Photobucket

6.) I hate to be cruel, but don't you think part of the reason why guys don't think you're good relationship material isn't because you "work in the sex industry," but because you look like this:
Photobucket
I know I'm single, but it's my understanding that guys don't want to wake up in the morning and roll over to see a candy-coated rave explosion on the pillow next to them. Unless I've been doing it wrong, which is highly possible.

I'm going to tell you a story. When I was in college, I decided that I wanted to have pink streaks in my hair. I went to the salon where my mom goes in Bethesda and asked them to do it, but they judged the shit out of me instead and refused. Dedicated to the cause, I found a sprite gay man in the city who'd do it for me and once a month for the next six months, we'd get high and experiment with my hair color until one day he disappeared and moved to Barcelona. Now, this story not only accounts for why I had pink streaks in my hair for about a month or so in college, it also explains why I look like a raging meth addict in my passport picture with a glassy eyes and cheap platinum blonde hair.

My point is: look at your life. Look at your choices. Ask yourself if any of it sounds slightly out of place.

Now, I'll be filling merchandise orders at 2 o'clock in the morning for my Adult Content-based blog before I go to my minimum wage retail job in the morning, should you need me.

94 comments:

mmills said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ali said...

"it's always vaguely 2001-ish"

HAHA, that's so true! I love True Life, it's my guilty pleasure show.

Bix said...

Meg, I've never posted before but I love your blog and it is one of the first things I read every morning.

All that out of the way, I also was at AU (class of '06) and took Gender in Society as a gen ed, and the idea of a participation grade in that class resulted in some of the most obnoxious overshares outside of (I imagine) a sorority never-have-I-ever. We weren't in the same class -- I had a different prof -- but we had our very own Shawntelle. We are friends on facebook and now I know all about her recent two month marriage and divorce and all I can think of is, god, I would hate to be the person whose shoulder she's been crying loudly over for the past year.

K said...

You've left out my greatest gripe with this show, as well as with many other reality shows (especially Intervention): they need to require these people to do updates once a year. I don't know want to know that Sally Jane was still sober 6 months from filming. I want to see the trainwreck she's become 3 years later, when she's been back on and off the wagon 5 more times.

Come on folks, just stick it in the contract. I will write these contracts free of charge (I'm sadly qualified) if MTV will please just up the ante just a bit to add on these extra updates. Wouldn't that make the 5 year re-runs so much more exciting if you knew there was a NEW UPDATE ON REBEKAH coming at the end?

danielle said...

Getting around the "Web Sense" block while at work:

Add the blog to your Google Reader list. Don't use Google Reader? You should now, because it'll import the blocked blogs without being blocked.

Trust me...I work in state government and have run up against that annoying Web Sense page many a time (though they finally got with the times and relaxed what was blocked).

Courtney P said...

Gah! "True Life" is my CRACK. Seriously, the need to come out with an episode called, "True Life: I'm Addicted to True Life" and film people like you and me sitting on the couch refusing to eat, shower, or pay the bills because "True Life: I Have Tourettes" is on AGAIN.

And I got a minor in gender studies while in college. I loved every single class because we could talk about boobs and why boys want to have sex with their mothers. Win!

Ross said...

I like the shout out to Sassy Gay Friend.

I think you're 14 and an idiot. You took a roofie from a priest.

Lindsay said...

I didn't think I could love this blog any more, but apparently it's possible. I looove True Life. True Life: I'm at Fat Camp is probably my all-time favorite moment of television.

Laurie said...

My favorite True Life episodes are any True Life episode based in Jersey.
I fear the moment I come in to work and see that 2b1b has been blocked by IT. Anytime the page takes a little too long to load I swear it's all over.

Jules said...

MEG! I can't believe I forgot I was in love with Gideon Yago! THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME.

http://www.mtv.com/shared/promoimages/news/c/correspondents/gideon/281x211.jpg

Sigh.

cassie said...

You know how, when you know something is true, but you never knew how to say it. You give me the words to say it.

Example: I love "True Life" because no matter what topic they're exploring or what year it was filmed in, it's always vaguely 2001-ish, everyone is slightly white trash and from Florida, and there's just so much...denim.

Yessssss... I've never seen this episode but now I feel compelled to find it.

Anonymous said...

True Life: I'm Getting Married - the original - was by far the best of all time. The guido yelling at the limo driver on the phone is the best minute of television ever made.

Nicole said...

That. was. amazing. Love you Meggles! PS: One of my friends is moving to DC in August to try and find a job. She's fun and a little ditzy. Y'all should hang!

Brian said...

For a real sex industry worker, you need to turn to "True Life: I'm Addicted to Sex," which features actual pornstar Jayden James (though I think she goes by "Michelle" in the episode). It turns out she's really just seeking her father's approval. Ha.

le minx said...

Great post... especially "in soaps"... you are so funny :) <3 Meg 4eva!

lspoon said...

I went to college with a girl from the True Life episode: I'm fat and I don't care or some such bullshit about being ok with her body...

Jessica Ellis said...

I just fell THAT MUCH MORE in love with you, since you just married two of my internet obsessions: this blog, and Sassy Gay Friend. GOD BLESS YOU, woman.

And awww...Gideon Yago. I wanted to marry him once upon a time.

Also, I am proud to report that we have that same websense crap at my job, and you are NOT blocked here. I will quit the day that happens. Well, maybe not, but I'll REALLY, REALLY want to.

Anonymous said...

LOVE THIS POST! Sent it to two friends who are now sure to be 2b1b faithfuls...you have a gift, Meg:-)

Anonymous said...

nice post!

i think that you are on the cusp of a bang.

Anonymous said...

I have seen every True Life MTV has ever made...which, when you write it down, sounds very sad. Also, before I moved back to the city, I had a
Simpsons license plate in Virginia (that I magically "lost" in the move and could not surrender back to the DMV.) The more I read this blog, the more I'm starting to believe we're twinsies.

harshbanter said...

Jesus Horatio Christ, that Sassy Gay Friend reference at the end there made me SO HAPPY. There is something rotten in Denmark, and it's Rebekah's piss. poor. attitude. Also her hair.

Arik said...

Funny, I work in a super secure building for the Federal Government with absurd filters, but I can still read 2b1b! And life is worth living!

Also, I now need to call a friend from college and fondly remember the horribleness that was "Sexclamations"- our newspaper's sex column.

Meghan said...

Meg--

I've been a fan for quite a while now, but not until this post did I want to take you on a romantic dinner and introduce you to my brother than today.

seriously...he's single. and cute...and he's 26 and in grad school in NC. Interested? ;-)

--your fellow Meg

Glatfep said...

True Life: I would buy the complete box set of True Life episodes if given the chance

talklesssaymore said...

I have nothing to add except to second that the guido screaming at the limo driver in True Life: I'm getting married was the greatest television moment ever.

I haven't seen it in years and yet every couple of months that scene will randomly pop into my head and I'll laugh hysterically. Out loud.

Emz321 said...

I just love this blog..sigh...

Anonymous said...

MEG found someone else's creative contributions "insultingly half-assed"? That's rich...

Heather said...

My last real job involved selling porn DVDs and sex toys on the internet. There were almost zero delicate ways to tell people what I did for a living.

"I do...data entry for a...small e-commerce company, Grandma."
"WHAT IS E-COMMERCE?!"
"*sigh*"

ALSO! My favorite/most memorable episode is True Life: I'm a Furry. Changed my life FOR. EV. ER.

GetAMirror said...

My. That was insensitive. Truth is you probably don't understand why.

Anonymous said...

"look at your life. look at your choices."

i hope you have heard of Sassy Gay Friend, and if you haven't --you unwittingly quoted from him and you NEED to click on that link above. best. thing. ever. love!

Blair said...

"True Life: I'm Homeless" sort of features a sex industry worker, since the transgender character has to turn to prostitution!

But also, have you seen "If You Really Knew Me?" I feel like you could file a lot of excellent complaints against MTV for it and/or mock it with no regard for the feelings of the obnoxious teenagers who make it possible. Watch ASAP!

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Sarah said...

I agree with you Shawnetell doesn't work in the sex industry. Her collage radio show in a hobby, not a job. However, Rebekah does work in the sex industry--unless you want to argue semantics that porn is different from sex. Also she is clear that she LIKES the porn industry, she is fascinated by it. I think she'll probably have to keep looking to find someone who will view and treat her as a person with feelings and interest and not just see her as a sex crazy slut. But she does work in porn, she's being true to herself to tell people straight up that she works in porn, especially because she's not just looking for sex she's looking for a boyfriend. In YOUR case you see yourself as a graphic designer, that's what you're proud of not as someone who works in whatever industry chooses to hire out your services soap opera or otherwise. But Rebekah is proud to work in the sex industry, that's what she wants to be recognized for not her more general office managerial skills.

Not NOT Stoned said...

Sarah,

The problem is not Rebekah's porn pride, it's that she complains incessantly about being single and then introduces herself by saying, "I work in porn," which is intentionally misleading, because it implies she bangs for a living. And I'm sorry, but there are TONS of guys in this world who would be down with a front office "porn worker" but who would NOT be down with a gf who bangs ten guys a week for rent money.

There was another True Life episode - I'm a Single Parent or some such - in which this 20 year old girl has a kid and also is in charge of parenting her five younger siblings (her parents died or something?). She keeps griping about how she can't find anyone and she's so sick of being single. But THEN she goes on like five dates and from minute one introduces herself by saying, "Hi, I'm Michelle. I have six kids. Are you OK with that?"

You DON'T have six kids!! Your MOM had six kids! You have ONE kid and the misfortune of being the guardian of your five siblings! Just tossing off "I have six kids" on a first date implies you are wildly reckless and have managed to get knocked up six times in twenty years. Intentionally misleading! And all because you think it's cute to shock the shit out of some dude who just wanted to buy you a slice and a beer! It's not cute! It's not to your benefit! It's why you're single! What's the matter with you people??

Long comment, old post. Sorry.

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My name is Mrs.Irene Query. I live in Philippines and i am a happy woman today? and i told my self that any lender that rescue my family from our poor situation, i will refer any person that is looking for loan to him, he gave me happiness to me and my family, i was in need of a loan of $150,000.00 to start my life all over as i am a single mother with 2 kids I met this honest and GOD fearing man loan lender that help me with a loan of$150,000.00 US. Dollar, he is a GOD fearing man, if you are in need of loan and you will pay back the loan please contact him tell him that is Mrs.Irene Query, that refer you to him. contact Dr Purva Pius,via email:(urgentloan22@gmail.com) Thank you.


1. Your Full names:_______
2. Contact address:_______
3. Country Of Residence:______
4. Loan Amount Required:________
5. Duration:_____
6. Gender:_____
7. Occupation:________
8. Monthly Income:_______
9. Date Of Birth:________
10.Telephone Number:__________

Regards.
Managements
Email Us: urgentloan22@gmail.com

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