10.27.2009

Where I Will Be This Week

I am so incredibly tense right now. My stomach hurts, I'm anxious, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't drink. (Baha! Just kidding on those last two.) I'm a wreck. And there is one concrete cause of all of this anxiety. Sigh...it's hard to say out loud and/or type. Ok. I can do this. Here we go. I, Meghan C. McBlogger........................am going on another business trip this week.

If you haven't read about the first business trip I went on a few months ago, I'm going to need you to go ahead and close and lock your door, draw the shades, light some candles, unzip your pants and read this. And when you're done, you can send your thank you/sympathy e-cards to meg@2birds1blog.com. Thanks.

The level of how anxious I am for this stupid business trip is unparalleled. Unparalleled and embarrassing. Nothing in the entire world makes me feel as Autistic as a work function. I revert back to lame 6th grade Meg, sittin' all alone at the lunch table with nary a friend to her name and a whole lot of Joe Boxer going on. I'm praying to the good Lord above that this trip won't be as completely traumatic as the last one was, and I think it might not be for the following reasons:

1.) It's in Baltimore. Which is just inconveniently far away enough to classify as a "business trip" and not a "jaunty overnight."

2.) I have been promised my own hotel room. Although I'll believe it when I see it because that's what they said last time and I ended up visually scissoring with Boss #1 all night long. I didn't even want to stay in a hotel in the first place. The second I heard we would be in Baltimore, I threw myself onto Boss #2's laptop and was like, "DON'T BOOK ME A ROOM!!!!1 MY BIFFLES^MAX LIVES IN HAMPDEN!!!!11 I'LL STAY WITH HER!!! SHE WEARS PANTS!!!1 AND DOESN'T CARE IF I DON'T WEAR MINE!!!!1 THAT'S THE DICHOTOMY I PREFER!!!!!1111!" Boss #2 said OK and then immediately turned around and booked me a hotel room. Which is annoying because now not only am I at high-risk of having a reunion with Boss #1's C-section scar, I also feel locked into going in general. Every time I start toying with the idea of "getting" swine flu tonight or killing off a family member, I remember they already booked me a hotel room and that would kind of be a dick move on my part. Ugh. Being an amazingly considerate person...it's my cross to bear.

3.) The trip is only for two days; not three. Which is still two days too many, but I'll take what I can get.

4.) I made cocksure I'll be traveling alone. Because there's no way in hell I'm going to be trapped backwards on a train again at 8 o'clock in the morning listening to Russell the Homophobic Co-Worker talk about various spreads and chutneys he boycotts because they "taste like sperm." No. Fucking. Way. I will drive myself, thank you.

5.) It's a convention, not a 500-hour long sales meeting. And conventions are big...people get lost easily. Perhaps they'll get lost for two days at a time, finding their way back only when a free meal is involved...? What I'm trying to say is that I am in no way above hiding in my car either reading a book and/or cat-napping like a homeless person all day. There it is. The truth. I just don't see what's stopping me from being like, "Oh hey, I'm gonna go check out some other booths" and just leaving? Trust me, nobody would miss me. There is absolutely no reason for me to go to this convention besides familiarizing myself with our new product. You know, the new product I already learned about in the aforementioned 500-hour long sales meeting. All just in case the ghosts I babysit on a daily basis get curious and start to ask questions or someone in Dynasty needs their office re-designed. (Season 3: Adam Carrington re-designs recently deceased Cecil Colby's office with toxic paint in an effort to kill Jeff Colby and secure his position as Blake's #2. AND WHAT?!)

The thing is, I really am genuinely interested in interior design and the actual convention itself seems cool enough. Not to mention I'm going to have promotional pens and complimentary mints coming out the ying-yang by the time it's over. That's not what I'm getting bent out of shape about. It's the mingling with my co-workers and the pleasantries and the asking of how the kids are and forcing myself to appear interested in the answer and the being so completely surrounded by Sales People. And that's Sales People with a capital S, capital P. Because yowzahs. That is a tall order. I realize how incredibly curmudgeon-y I'm coming off right now, but as Helena pointed out last night on the phone (and yes, at approximately 11 o'clock last night I was indeed curled up in my bed with the lights off on the phone with Helena whining that my tummy hurt because I'm nervous for my business trip.) (And bless her heart for listening.) there's a difference between Work Socializing and Social Socializing. And Lord knows I can Social Socialize your fucking face off. I can walk into a room of 150 Neo-Nazis with a beer in my head and a song in my heart and leave with each one of those motherfuckers my new and slightly less anti-Semitic best friends. However, I go to one work happy hour and it's like a regional dinner theater production of Rain Man. My undeniable charm and charisma just does not translate in work-related situations. However, if I can inject a bit of Social Socializing into Work Socializing, I might be able to make it out of this business trip alive. Thus, if there are any readers out there who will be attending NeoCon East this week and want someone to walk around and mingle withI'm your girl.

...Or if there are any readers who want to come and spoon with me in my car and tell ghost stories for 8 hoursI'm also your girl. (Teresa, I'm looking at you.)

Obviously, blogwise, I'll be out of commission tomorrow and Thursday, but Co-Blogger Chris is finally back from Mexico and will have a post for you bright and early tomorrow morning! I'm also trying to "gently" coerse Tulane Chris into writing a post for Thursday. I gave him two subject options: Diarrhea or blouses. Because that's what kind of girl I am and that's what kind of a blog I run.

Also! As with last time, I'll be live-tweeting the entire business trip, so I highly recommend you follow me on Twitter (@2birds1blog). If you don't have a Twitter account, you should obviously get one for the sole purpose of keeping up-to-date with the business trip's inevitable kooky shenanigans. (I figure if I hype this up enough, nothing will happen and it'll be an incredibly boring business trip which means I won't go through the emotional trauma of last time. Unless it backfires and it's just as entertaining as I promised, in which case you win and I lose. Either way, follow me on twitter.)

34 comments:

Sean said...

So...I definitely read "promotional penis," and my only reaction was "Oh, is that common at interior design gatherings?"

I think something's wrong with me.

James said...

Good God, I'm so excited. For us, not for you. I'm worried for you. But the business trip post was literally your funniest post ever. As in I've read it out loud to 3 separate people to share its magic. This is causing a conflict of interest, cause the more traumatizing this is for you, the funnier for us, but I don't want our Meggles to be scarred for life. Just a few days.

Good luck homegirl! Nothing can possibly be as bad as the last trip, just keep that in your mind.

leminx said...

life seems a whole lot sadder and empty sans Meglet. Just saying... I will twit the hell out of you.

Lydia said...

I'll totally keep my fingers crossed for you. I'll even dig down to my catholic school years and remember how to say a Hail Mary. But at the risk of sounding like a complete douche, I just want you to know it should be the "sole reason," not the "soul reason." I remember the "intensive purposes" debacle and wanted to help avoid another one.
And personally, I wouldn't feel even a twinge of regret at getting flu-like symptoms and not being able to go. You already told her not to get you a room and she blatantly disregarded that shit - it serves her right. Plus, it's like karma from her not getting you a room last time. Best of luck!

Random Person said...

Love the blog. I am an interior designer and let me tell you everyone in the arch/ design/ furniture world is bat shit crazy, I'm convinced of it. Also, free booze is usually a garunteed at the "after parties" for neocon east. Thanks for making work suck less!

Anonymous said...

meg - we were worried about you. where were you yesterday? life isn't the same without a little 2b1b in my life.

KellyOoooo said...

-last year at this SAME convention you are going to (as i am an interior designer).. not only did i get a ton of pens and mints.. i got myself a wooden back scratcher (right on the money with that one!) AND a BIG umbrella from the Keilhauer booth. LOOK for it! totally has THEE best walk-away-with gifts! also.. duff golfman is keybote speaker at noon tomorrow.. go track his ass down.. and get a sig! DO IT MEG MCBLOGGER! make your day Eventful by being CREEPY! woohoo!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

So...I definitely read "promotional penis," and my only reaction was "Oh, is that common at interior design gatherings?"
Shit. I'd love a promotional penis.

life seems a whole lot sadder and empty sans Meglet. Just saying...
THAT'S ADORABLE AND MADE MY DAY!

But at the risk of sounding like a complete douche, I just want you to know it should be the "sole reason," not the "soul reason."
God damnit.

Also, free booze is usually a garunteed at the "after parties" for neocon east.
That's the thing! I know they're going to be crazy "after parties" and I would really rather just go to dinner and booze with Teresa. But does that make me a bad employee? Do I care?

meg - we were worried about you. where were you yesterday? life isn't the same without a little 2b1b in my life.
Aw, I'm sorry! Our office didn't have Internet yesterday! I'm fine!

duff golfman is keybote speaker at noon tomorrow..
Shut your face! Does that mean my ultimate crush, Ben from Ace of Cakes might be there too?!?!?!?!?!

LW said...

You might think about bringing some tampons so you don't have to hear about Boss #1's stuffed pig-like bleeding snatch.

Loretta said...

I am glad someone besides me becomes autistic at work. I've worked here for 2.5 years and I've finally decided it might be good to eat lunch with other people rather than alone at my desk.

Meg said...

Good luck in Charm City! Can't wait for the post to follow. And I'm so very glad I'm not the only one who feels unspeakably awkward Work Socializing... it's, um, the worst. In fact, I'm shivering uncontrollably right now.

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh, I'll be at NeoCon tomorrow too... small world.

- Lorna Jean

Margo said...

How on earth did you survive not having internet at work? I. would. die. Especially because then I would have to socialize with my coworkers to fend off boredom.....Good luck tomorrow!

Lisa said...

..Not really related to this specific post, but I share similar job anxiety that you do. For example, I had a meeting yesterday with a guy with the longest fingernails I have ever seen and wanted to barf on his keyboard. Barfing was prior to the long fingernailed man touching my shoulder, which I then considered amputating. Anyway! I live in Baltimore and can recommend some good/fun bars to drink away the horror that is corporate america if you need an escape from your conference!!!

Lauren Ashley said...

Meg.
Love your blog so much. Makes me laugh and get through the day.

DO you ever get afraid you coworkers will find it?

Eileen said...

Thanks for putting the link to the original business trip blog in this one. I hadn't read it before, and I have to say, I have been crying while laughing so hard. Girl, you manage to find yourself in the most insane situations!! If it helps, just remember your secret revenge (writing this blog), and when you start feeling scared, you can quietly smirk to yourself at the thousands of people who are going to be annoyed with Homophobic Guy as much as you, and be as horrified by Boss #1 as you were. That's power, little sister. :)

Cupcake said...

Hey Meg. If you need a great read this week while "checking out booths", pick up The Girls by Lori Lansens. Conjoined Twins. Need I say more?

Anonymous said...

i am sacrificing my dignity anonymously... i worked myself into a poo issue for my first business trip with a bunch of 9 awful boys (grown ass men) i worked with (i was the only girl). i had a nervous stomach and to make it better, i ate two trays of andes mints. then my tummy still hurt, so i took pepto bismol. the combination of the stress, chocolate and pepto caused me to have dry, black poos, which occurred about every 2 hours for 4 days. i couldn't figure out what it was, so i almost checked myself into a hospital in utah (my coworkers wouldn't come with me, they were busy at the one strip club type place in provo). however i did go to the doctor when i got back and they had me do two supersweet home poo tests which came back negative for whatever type of parasite i thought i had. i've never been more mortified in all my life.

i can't bear to look at andes mints... okay that's false, i love andes mints, but i won't take pepto ever, ever again.

Anonymous said...

um, okay me again. i'm sorry i shared that story and i hope you don't have poo problems. theeeeeee end.

AND please bring back the "AN." it's not like you only used it in one entry (WHAT loyal readers, no one else noticed and giggled the first time??) AND it's hilarious. my brother and i used to say it all the time back in the day.

Sarah P said...

Sorry for you about the conference; happy for your readers. Your last conference post was hilarious. I just read it the other day.

Claire said...

Hahaha I "got" swine flu today. Well, last night I "ran a fever" and was going to "get tested today" as a precaution. Everyone told me to stay the hell away from the office. BEST TUESDAY EVER. Who knows when I'll be back muahahahahahaaa. Stay strong and maybe get swine flu next week. Love the blog xoxoxo.

Anonymous said...

1) Swine flu is the snow day of 2009. Wrrrk it, grrl.
2) In the case of you actually attending, live tweeting is a must.
3) Co-blogger Chris and Tulane Chris are two different people???? BLOW MY MIND, please.

Nate said...

Meist,

This has nothing to do with your post, BUT... We all love the Turtle Rapes Shoe video, right? I found a new one that maybe you haven't seen...

Turtle Rapes A Wok and make sure your speakers are turned on. This turtle makes a different sound than the shoe-fucking turtle.

Also, I'm excited to hear about how this turns out... Have you tried drinking your ass off with your coworkers? Because you might not be quite so Rain Man-esque if you're drunk. Just a thought.

Anyways, good luck. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we're all with you in spirit during the next couple of days :)

Love,
Dr. Sinners

Meandering Mel said...

I read about your first business trip, and a little bit of my soul died for you.


Hopefully you'll be better off this time! :)

(I agree though, I fucking HATE HATE HATE work socializing. I'm totally the oddball out.)

Anonymous said...

what happened to mondays blog? I thought you promised you write everyday

jes said...

oh how this post speaks to my little heart... i am a 20 something interior designer so i know exactly the type of Sales People you are talking about. in fact i just came back from nashville from my own little design related conference which was for all the state colleges and their procurement officers. so if there is anything worse than a room full of sales people, it's a room full of sales people talking to purchasing people who work for the state. because they hate life, simply put. and thanks to the one rep who kept telling me how "tore up" he got at his niece's wedding on saturday... because what am i supposed to say to that? congratulations on being the first guy to EVER get drunk and dance in front of his family? i'm sorry he got the memo so late in life but that's kinda what receptions are for.

and they passed out tickets for drinks- DRINK TICKETS! what? i don't like to have my limits predetermined. luckily i went to college in nashville, so what do i do? call up old friends and have a HUGE night out.... on a monday. worst. idea. ever. puking my booze up at 1AM was in no way as awful as puking the rest of my booze up into a panera bag this morning on I-24... in my co-worker's car. that's right. i'm high class all the way! so here's hoping your trip goes a little better... or at least your decision making skills. i've felt like a pile of ass alllllll day, so blah haha to that god damn rep! I win!

Shelley Greenberg said...

oh. my god. ME TOO. on everything. i'm on a business trip RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS and i was freeeeaking for about a month leading up to it. which happened to be the month i was getting married, going on a honeymoon, buying a house, and moving! ya. the only thing that got me through the day was knowing i could go "in for the night" at 5.

emily said...

hey all you swine flu fakers! not that i personally object to faux illness, but do your research before you tell tales to your boss.

due to the extremely high numbers of people with influenza like illness (ILI), they will not test you specifically for H1N1. you MAY get a test to determine whether you have influenza A or influenza B. that is pretty much it. i'm just saying. oh, and hope you don't really get it later in the season, cause then you're f-ed!

happy hand-washing, purell-ing, and hard-surface sanitizing :)

Makya said...

"Diarrhea or blouses" - when I was seven and we got our first puppy, these were the two names we were considering.

Anonymous said...

Please make sure you go to the "Toilet Flushing CEU" today... Description: Sanitary flushing technologies have dramatically changed over the past decade. Water conservation initiatives have driven these design and technology changes. Quality, performance and design do not have to be sacrificed in order to save water.
It is critical to understand what your client is looking for in performance and aesthetics in order to specify the appropriate sanitary products. By attending you will understand the various flushing technologies and designs available in the market today as well as the impact of codes and standards, then apply that knowledge to the clients’ project. After this course, an architect or designer should feel comfortable recommending and specifying toilets for their clients.

It's important information

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Uh...so I managed to get out of going at all. MUAHAHA...More details to come Friday.

How on earth did you survive not having internet at work?
It was so fucking rough. I pretty much just played solitaire and waited on hold with Comcast for 8 hours. It was unique.

For example, I had a meeting yesterday with a guy with the longest fingernails I have ever seen and wanted to barf on his keyboard.
Guys with long fingernails scare the SHIT out of me! Perhaps more than moustaches.

DO you ever get afraid you coworkers will find [your blog]?
Yes. Pretty much every day. And it's going to suck when they do. (Because they will.) But that's a problem for Future Meg. Sucks to be her.

i can't bear to look at andes mints... okay that's false, i love andes mints, but i won't take pepto ever, ever again.
HAHAHAHAHA...<3

Co-blogger Chris and Tulane Chris are two different people???? BLOW MY MIND, please.
Totally! Here's a guide to the Chris's:
Co-Blogger Chris: Was my roommate in Brooklyn and estranged best friend. Currently lives in NYC and blogs here once a week. He is the wind beneath my wings. The light of my life. The Passion of my Christ.

Tulane Chris: Went to school at Tulane with Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie's cousin (earning him the nickname 'Tulane Chris'.) Became BFF with Eddie and thus friends with me. We hooked up on Abigail Breslin's older brother's couch in 2006 and now he's gay. Currently lives in Philly with Eddie and goes to grad school at Villanova. He's quite possibly the funniest person I've ever met and thus I harass him to occasionally blog for me when I feel burnt out.

I hope that clears some things up!

Have you tried drinking your ass off with your coworkers?
1.) NATE!
2.) The noise that turtle makes when he humps the wok is what nightmares are made of.
3.) I DO NOT trust myself enough to drink around co-workers. Seriously. I am a loose cannon.

what happened to mondays blog? I thought you promised you write everyday
My office didn't have Internet on Monday. I blame Comcast 100%. I'm terribly sorry though. I feel like a dead-beat dad who forgot to pick you up for our weekend visit and never sends child support. Sorry kid, you'll understand when you're older.

and thanks to the one rep who kept telling me how "tore up" he got at his niece's wedding on saturday... because what am i supposed to say to that?
Oh god. Exactly. Just...exactly. <3

"Diarrhea or blouses" - when I was seven and we got our first puppy, these were the two names we were considering.
Gawd I hope you have twins one day...

Please make sure you go to the "Toilet Flushing CEU" today...
Holy shit (pun intended!) I saw that and emailed it to Alex with the subject: I HAVE to find a way to get out of this. And I did! So +10 points for this girl! But think about all of the toilet flushing technology information I'm missing...

Courtney said...

I'm going to need you to get the app where you can blog from your phone. 2 days is too long, and stalking you on twitter just isn't enough.

Oh, and I'm going on a business trip to california for 10 days, and my boss will probably kill us in a head on collision since she failed drivers ed.

So at least you have that little thing called "life" going for ya.

oh kate said...

I was so hoping there would be a chance I'd run into you when in DC last weekend. I obviously was not in the right hip place. Alas!

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