10.21.2009

Office Hours with Professor McBlogger

Yesterday Boss #1 took me aside and told me that she needed to talk to me about something. I was pretty sure she was either going to a.) fire me; b.) tell me something horrifyingly informative about her vagina or c.) ask me something horrifyingly informative about my vagina. Imagine my surprise when it was none of the above! Instead, Boss #1 asked me to have a sit-down with her 17-year-old daughter (who vehemently does not want to go to college) and somehow convince her that going to college is the best idea ever. And to that request, I say Yowzahs. For two reasons:

1.) Oh my god, I just don't care.

and 2.) I had literally just finished having this gchat conversation with Allison after sending her my resume:

Allison: your resume is impressive!
me: it's really not, but thank you!
Allison: you're all "honors everything, CHECK. Winner of everything, CHECK CHECK."
me: yea. i like, tried real hard in college 'n shit.
LOLZ HAHAHHAHAA
that was a bad call
because it got me "so far"
Allison: yeah you tried hard in college - what was THAT all about??
me: fuck
i don't know
Allison: I feel ya - I had 85 internships in 4 years and was the president of every academic club in the entire university and I have been laid off twice in one year
me: HAHAHA RIGHT??? i shoulda just been doing meth the whole time.
Allison: I know...I can't believe the drug opportunities I passed up for THIS

Sooooo...maybe I'm not the best person to come to for advice on why you should go to college. Frankly, I don't think I'm the best person to come to for advice on anything ever, period. Unless that advice is about napping, how to kill time or The Art of Sass. That I got covered. But seriously, I worked my ass off in high school just to go to my safety school and then I worked my ass off in college to become whata Professional Houseplant?? Who really gives a shit if she goes to school or not? Let's not lie to ourselves, by the time she graduates high school, I'll probably be dead in a ditch somewhere and she can just take my job (which she'll probably do a far better job of,) meet an architect, fall in love, get married, pump out a few kids and wash, rinse, repeat. And PSHHHHHdoesn't sound horrible to me. The world will not end if she doesn't go to college. Hell, Boss #1 didn't even go to college! What am I supposed to tell this girl? "Honey, you gotta go to college. You don't want to end up like your mom and become...my...boss?"

I also think it's slightly ridiculous that the only reason she doesn't want to go to college is because she's scared she's "not smart enough." I reject that excuse. Because have you seen the movie Revenge of the Nerds? Are you familiar with Fred "Ogre" Palowakski? If he could handle the pressures of academic life, football season, being an active brother of Beta Alpha, a member of The Greek Council and nerd-hunting, I'm sure she can too.

Perhaps toss your copy of Princeton Review's 365 Best Colleges out the window, aim a schmidge lower than your friends and you'll be right as rain come Fall.

Knowing that I'm inevitably going to have to sit down with this girl and talk about the merits of going to college, I whipped this up for, just for her. It's Meg McBlogger's Top-5 Reasons You Should Go To College:

1.) ~*BoYz bOyz BoYz!!*~: Look. I talk to your mom on a daily basis. And your mom, bless her heart, is Boss #1. I obviously know everything that goes on with your snizz. What I'm trying to say isI know you're a slut. And that's fine! I'm not here to judge. However, be aware that passing up college means passing up the opportunity to matriculate with thousands of young, eager and willing boys. And girls! Shit, I don't know what you're into. You seem like the kind of gal who after six drinks will bang anything with ears. And you know what? In college, that's fine! You should be banging anything with ears! Because college is your chance to get all that Freak out of your system before you enter the Real World where staying out all night having sex, jacked up on Zelko and Windex fumes is considered "A Problem." You want Candy Finnegan banging on your door or an RA telling you to pipe down? Yeah. That's what I thought.

2.) Close proximity to free food: UM HI. I'M A DINING HALL, HAVE WE MET? Do you know how many 20-somethings there are out there starving every night, just wishing they could go swipe their way into the dining hall for even one single slice of chicken? Too many. Sometimes I have popcorn for dinner. There it is. The disgusting and embarrassing truth. I have sick and oddly specific fantasies about running through TDR with a tray in my hand and the wind in my hair, just grabbing whatever the fuck I want. (Oh HEY American University students reading this right now! Got extra meal blocks? LET'S DO DINNER! meg@2birds1blog.com) I know what you're thinking, "But Meg, if I don't go to college and live at home, I'll still get all the free food I want!" WRONG! Because mooching off of your parents while living at home is considered a "burden," whereas mooching off of your parents while living at college is just "how things work." When I lived at home, I couldn't reach for a single bowl of Kashi without my mom lecturing me about how I needed to get a job. Yet when I was at school, I could call her up all, "MOM I'M CRAVING YOGURT-COVERED PRETZELS! I NEED MORE EAGLE BUCK$! KTHANKSSSS!" and she'd be all over it within an hour. So next time you're snacking on popcorn, you remember that story. Also remember that somewhere out there, there's a sad, poor 20-something eating your nosh for dinner.

3.) Greek Life: Elle Woods did it and now she's a lawyer.

4.) New Friends: Whether you're willing to admit it or not, you're probably nervous about the whole starting over from scratch and making new friends thing. But you really shouldn't be. College is designed for making new friends. Literally everyone there is in the market for new friends. Do you know how I met the girl who would turn out to be my Sophomore year roommate? From this exchange on the first week of school:
Allie: Hi, I'm Allie.
Meg: Hi, I'm Meg.
Allie: I miss having a circle of friends.
Meg: Oh my gawd, me too. I hate this.
Allie: Do you want to be best friends?
Meg: YERP.
Allie: Done.

And then we just were. I swear to God. That's literally how the conversation happened. You would have to be some special kind of ass backwards crazy to not be able to make friends in college. However, starting over and making friends outside of school is considerably more difficult. Whereas people were literally soliciting my friendship in the streets in college, I felt like I couldn't pay somebody to be my friend when I moved to New York. It's just harder outside of a collegiate atmosphere. Everybody, for the most part, already has their set group of friends and is kind of caught up in their own thing. You really have to make the effort and like, join a kickball league or some shit. And you know how I feel unnecessarily moving my body. I'd rather just go to grad school. Or move back to DC. Apparently.

5.) Because it's not that hard if you don't want it to be: That's the beauty of collegeyou pick your major, you pick your classes, you pick which ones you actually go to, you pick whether or not you give Professor Montoya a lap dance to pass Spanishit's all up to you. If you really don't think you're that smart, then go to fucking Easiest Ever University and major in Breathing. Who gives a fuck? You just need that little piece of paper that says "Whoop-dee-doo! You Know Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground!" so you can get a boring entry-level office job out of college and spend all day pretending to enter data in a spreadsheet while you count down the minutes until Happy Hour. Which sucks. So you might as well enjoy start enjoying the next four years of your life now and quit your emo whining about not being "smart enough." McDaniel College called; they're rull interested.

Aaaaand you're welcome, Boss #1 Jr.

45 comments:

James said...

Well done. Meg is back. I almost pissed myself laughing. Like seriously, a little pee almost came out. This was interspersed with several mental outbursts of, "I know, RIGHT?!"

The burden/acceptable behavior thing from number 2 is quite possibly the smartest thing I've ever heard anything say about anything ever. I got WHATEVER I wanted when I was at school, then back at home I got "The electric bill was kinda high and your xbox is on a lot. Are you chipping in now?"

PS, second favorite major: Finding Own Ass With Two Hands.

Jenna said...

Thanks, I needed that gigantic realization to myself that I'm no longer a college student because well...I'm a 25 year old college graduate who still eats popcorn for dinner. And I nap during my lunch hour.

Sarah P said...

Ha! Nice bust on McDaniel.

Anonymous said...

Oh Meg I loved this post. That last line had me cracking up. I can totally relate to busting you ass in HS and college and now I'm counting down the minutes to 5pm everyday, watching netflix, pretending to fill in spreadsheets. I also countdown the minutes everymorning until a new 2B1B post.

~Travis

Natalie said...

Brava!

I totally feel Allison on the "I gave up a drug habit for THIS?" comment. Being a grown up sucks and the longer you can avoid it, the better.

Tell her ass to study abroad too, nothing like taking your breathing major on the road!

A. Rue said...

#4 (and, let's face it, #1, because sometimes they go hand in hand) is the current bane of my existence. If D.C. was one big college, that would make my life so much easier.

Vanessa said...

you want tdr meal blocks? i can get you meal blocks. i went out of my way to make friends with freshmen my senior year, just so i still had access to meal blocks post-graduation.

rachel said...

you know i love your lists! :)

Grant said...

Remember when McDaniel changed its name from Western Maryland College? Because its in Westminster, which isn't really in Western Maryland? And alumni of that prestigious institution were outraged because it sounded like they went to McDonalds University, or something?

Yeah, that was stupid.

Bill said...

I busted my ass in high school to get into a good school. Still didn't get in where I wanted to, so I spent the next 5 years doing beer bongs, sniffing glue, and spending all my parents money.

Got the elusive paper that was supposed to guarantee me a job. Spent the next 10 months in a new city, with no job, no money, only to be forced to move back to my hometown and take a job any "Monkey Baby" could do.

And they wonder why us 20-somethings are going back to school at such high rates.

Lauren Ashley said...

You should right a book.

just saying...

I'd buy it and understand the world.

Cate said...

something really sad that i'm ashamed is taking up space in my brain but that i'm going to share for self deprecation's sake: the spanish professor in legally blonde is named montoya, not montes. maybe i didn't make quite as many friends in college as i was supposed to.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Natalie. You've got to add study abroad to this list. Also, here's a gchat conversation had about you this afternoon for your entertainment/creepiness.

Caitlin: OMG WE SHOULD DRESS UP AS MEG FOR HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!
me: that is the creepiest thing i have ever heard
Caitlin: you have big boobs, you can pull it off
creepy like you secretly love it creepy?
me: no like i'm posting it on the comments section and outing you for being a potential stalker
Caitlin: do it
i dare you
me: now you're sounding creepier!
Caitlin: i know you won't. i'm calling your bluff.
and i'm going to tell sarah to dress up as meg mcblogger
me: she'll think it's creepy too
Caitlin: meg will take it as a compliment

so there's that. and that is the insightful conversations that fill my day.

Caitlin said...

Bravo on an excellent post.

I total fess up to being anonymous's friend (duh, my name's Caitlin) but in the interest of not creeping you out I thought I'd let you know I'm going as Blair Waldorf for Halloween.

Love said...

It is a travesty of unmentionable proportions that you aren't an actual college recruiter, because you have a gift for selling intangibles.

In an unrelated, ADD-fueled tangent, reading your blog makes me feel really old because the fucking font is like 6pt. so I had to steal fucking reading glasses from my mom to even follow you, which fall off every time I "LOLZ" at you. So I can't wait for you to be 30 when you might adopt a sensible font size and will have learned that whoring yourself out, not education, is all you need to get ahead in this cruel world.

James said...

Caitlin - you should still put on a fake Thrillhouse tattoo though.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic Post! You are one of my many daily visits while passing time in my cell from 9-5. Any other suggestions of other websites to help ease the pain?

Appreciated.

Mollie said...

Love:
Go "View" - "Make Text Bigger" (on a mac), or just Ctrl +
Do it twice. No reading glasses required!

Meg: Great post. Your life is my life (e.g. wishing I were at DHall while eating popcorn...) and I find that both amusing and disturbing.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ha! Nice bust on McDaniel.
I'm sure it's an excellent establishment. I'm just an asshole. <3

you want tdr meal blocks? i can get you meal blocks.
YES. A THOUSAND TIMES, YES!

Remember when McDaniel changed its name from Western Maryland College?
Yes! And remember when Salisbury University dropped the "State" because it sounded too much like Salisbury Steak?

You should right a book.

just saying...

I'd buy it and understand the world.

Know a good literary agent?

Caitlin: i know you won't. i'm calling your bluff.
and i'm going to tell sarah to dress up as meg mcblogger


DUDE. DO IT. That's such a huge compliment! And send a picture! Alex and I just brainstormed what a Meg McBlogger costume would comprise and we decided it's the following:
- big boobs
- black hair
- necessary tattoos (collect all 4!)
- big sunglasses (not very convenient at night, sorry) (Unless you're Corey Hart)
- high heels
- Jack Daniel's pajama pants
- laptop
- alcohol in hand at all times

I DARE YOU.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHAHAHAH COREY HART. That's the bastard child of Corey Haim and Carey Hart.

I'm retarded.

oh kate said...

I miss having a circle of friends... *quietly weeps

Deb said...

D = degree
Honestly, the only reason to try in university is if you feel like going back for round 2.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OH! And nice catch Cate! I actually had a Professor Montes (not for Spanish) so I guess that's where that mistake came from.

Although I 100% absolutely did not give him a lap dance.

A. Rue said...

Sunglasses + heels + JD pants sound like a pretty sweet outfit, actually. If only we had casual Friday at work!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

God I love those pants...

Talia said...

remember when you pledged a sorority when you came to visit me every weekend, and they were heart broken when they found out you didn't even go to Frostburg!!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

UM. How could I forget? I loved my Big.

Meghan McBlogger: too much party for one person?

James said...

Apparently too much party for several separate sororities!

Stephanie said...

Meg, you are the Master of Satire of our century. I lolled my ass off reading that CAUSE IT'S ALL SO FREAKING TRUE!!! College was a joke.

Meandering Mel said...

Oh. My. God.

You just described my life. Fuck. Can I just be an undergrad forever? Because grad school sounds like too much effort.

I agree with Natalie. Tell her to do a study abroad. Then she can have sex with hott foreign guys. :)

Daniel Reginald Faraday said...

Meg,

I was leaving work today and this woman in the elevator made me hold the door open for over a minute while some slow-ass old woman hobbled over. Then we got down the the lobby (don't worry, the whole time I was humming Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator") and I was walking out the door and the first woman said "HAY. ...can you hold the door for her?" and motioned back to the slow one who was just making it out of the elevator, and then the first woman just waited outside the door. WAT.

Oddly enough, made me think of you.

Regards,
Daniel

Anonymous said...

you HAVE to give this to her. It makes me want to invent a time machine and do it again, almost

Nate said...

MEIST,

I am DRUNK. I just spent the night drinking whiskey with a 48 year old woman who lives in my building.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Oh, mah gaw, I eat popcorn for like EVERY MEAL! I sprinkle mine with edible crack first, though - edible crack called Kernel Season's white cheddar-flavored popcorn powder. Aside from having a GENIUS quadruple entendre name, it's also more addictive than meth.

To get it to really stick, spray the popped corn with butter-flavored Pam first, then sprinkle the powder, then stir with a wooden spoon. Repeat three (or 19) times - depending on how much Kernel Season's you need in your system to avoid getting the shakes.

Anyway, there are more carcinogens in that one bowl of popcorn than I care to think about, but I don't care because it's like eating a bite of heaven. My hubs gets mad when he catches me though because apparently microwave popcorn causes infertility and cancer. I guess I should cut down and only eat it twice a week instead of 4 or 5 times. (Last week I caught myself hiding the evidence of my popcorn binge and I realized that I probably have an issue that needs addressing.)

Also, fanTAStic post.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Meg, you are the Master of Satire of our century. I lolled my ass off reading that CAUSE IT'S ALL SO FREAKING TRUE!!! College was a joke.
Thank you! And yes, College was a joke. A very, very expensive joke...

Oddly enough, made me think of you.
I love that irritating people make you think of me. And I don't mean that sarcastically. Love it.

MEIST,

I am DRUNK. I just spent the night drinking whiskey with a 48 year old woman who lives in my building.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU ASKED ME TO MOVE IN YET????

I sprinkle mine with edible crack first, though - edible crack called Kernel Season's white cheddar-flavored popcorn powder.
DUDE. Garlic salt is also pretty legit. It makes it feel like you're having a classy, romantic Italian dinner. I highly recommend.

Katie said...

Hm, this post would not likely be encouraging for her daughter...http://famousdc.com/2009/10/21/politics-is-for-college-drop-outs/

Melody said...

DEFINITELY a fan favorite... if I do say so myself!

Lydia said...

Ugh, you're so right about college being a redunkulous joke. How's this for a bad punchline: I spent $33,000 for a degree in English. And by spent, I mean copiously borrowed and will be paying back loans and interest for the rest of my life.
And like you, I was all honors and Chancellor's List and it didn't get me shit. After months of pimping my resume out, the only job I could find was at a whorish clothing store in the mall... where my bitchy managers were so dumb they literally couldn't spell words like "through" and "shipment."
Also like you, I was scapegoated like a red-headed stepchild. They would call me at home on my days off to wake me up and bitch about things I supposedly messed up the day prior.
Unlike you, I said fuck this noise and quit that place yesterday. Best decision ever. I told them that if they spent as much time working as they did blaming me, a lot more work would get done. I also sent a nice email to the District Director informing her that in their vendetta against me, my managers broke company policies and messed up all of the paperwork.
I thought of you the whole time. I can't wait to read your post whenever you quit and subsequently get shitfaced.

lovenotestoself said...

Mollie:

My mother is not going to press charges. Thanks for the tip so my old ass eyes can read 2birds1blog without having to pilfer my mother's glasses.

Love

Ohmygoshi said...

bwahaha oh how i miss all the fun things that come with college. I floved Mac n Cheese Wednesdays at TDR. I lived for them. If and when you secure some meals at TDR, hook a fellow alum up!

Martin said...

I'd cutoff my good pinky finger to have a meal plan to TDR or Sub Connection.

-B- said...

I'm now having dreamy flashbacks to TDR and my typical meal there - plate o'romaine topped with olives, sunflower seeds and ranch, with a freshly grilled chicken breast on top. And like four different drinks, because I could.

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