10.22.2009

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entires

- There will be no City recrap this week. Chris is still having drunken vacation sex in Mexico and I tried to watch Tuesday night's episode and lost interest about five minutes in. Sorry, Whit-dawg. Here's what I ascertained while zoning in and out: Whitney is dating a preppy WASP from Connecticut with a mysteriously Jewish-sounding last name, Olivia didn't fuck up at work for once and Roxy feels like Whitney's friends don't like her. And she's right. There. I feel better.

- A few weeks ago when Alex and I were in New York visiting Co-Blogger Chris, we went out to dinner with our friend Bobby. During dinner, Bobby was shocked and horrified to learn that I don't wash new clothes before wearing them for the first time. I, however, was shocked and horrified to learn that he does. When asked why Bobby does this, he looked me square in the eyes and in the most deathly serious tone said, "Meg. Little children in sweatshops learn to masturbate while making your clothing on a loom." I can honestly say that this is the second most frightening sentence I have heard in my life, next to my sister's "When the white pants go away, the moustaches come out to play" catchphrase. It just raises so many questions. Like: a.) that's not true...is it? b.) who learns to masturbate? c.) how is it physically possible to operate a loom while masturbating? I can barely type and talk at the same time d.) ...How does Bobby know this? e.) Are clothes still made on looms? I thought loom technology had advanced so it's all done by machines? So. Many. Unanswered. Questions. And this is what I'll be thinking about at any given moment today as I wear my new, unwashed, masturbatory dress.

- Boss #2 was in here the other day getting ready for a meeting when she mentioned, out of the blue, that she wants the office (meaning me) to stop drinking bottled water and use the filtration system hooked up through the refrigerator. "It's just so many of these architects are all about "Going Green" these days or whatever and I don't think it looks very good that we [again, meaning me] drink bottled water," she explained. "Oh. We have a water filtration system in the fridge?" I asked. "Well. I know water comes out of it," she said, as she opened the fridge and poured herself a cup, "I'm just not sure if the filter was ever turned on." She stopped, took a sip, made a disgusted face and said, "Hmm. Not exactly ideal. But I'm sure you'll manage!" before throwing the rest of the water out and walking away. OH I'M SORRY, but there is no fucking way I'm going to drink mystery refrigerator water just because you want to give the illusion of Going Green. I mean, I'm just as hippie-dippie as the next person and Lord knows I love me some planet Earth, but frankly I love avoiding lead poisoning on a daily basis just a little more. (Please know I'm trying very hard not to make a racially motivated Mexican/water joke right now. Had I not recently had my Asian debacle, I'd totally go for it.)

- In trying to find a photo of Ox from Revenge of the Nerds for yesterday's post, I came across this "What Parents Need to Know" review of Revenge of the Nerds written by Ellen Dendy. It's basically a laundry list of everything offensive in the movie and it's pretty much the best thing I've ever read in my entire life. My favorite parts are in bold:
"Parents need to know that students binge drink, and smoke cigarettes and pot in this R-rated college movie. There's a strong emphasis on "getting laid" throughout the film, which includes scenes in which students make out and engage in heavy petting. The panty raid scene includes full female nudity, and the frat boys expose their bare behinds in a mooning scene. The nerds install hidden video cams in a sorority house so they can watch them undress. Profanity isn't excessive, but a few bad words and suggestive phrases are uttered. There's no bloody violence, but much of the story line centers on getting revenge. There are many stereotypes targeting Asians, gays, fat girls, and more. The story shows the unfair treatment of people considered outsiders, and in the end, emphasizes the acceptance of outsiders."

Ellen goes on to suggest discussion questions parents can raise with their children to ignite a thoughtful discussion about bullying and stereotypes. And I could fucking keel over and die. It's just that funny to me. Because this is a movie where one of the main characters (specifically,"Booger") spends a major part of the film wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Gimme Head Til I'm Dead" and my favorite line is:

Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.

God I love The Internets.

- This past Tuesday morning, I came as close to killing another human being as I ever have in my brief 24 years of life. Not wanting to swallow a stranger's DNA at yoga again that night, I ran into CVS before work to grab two giant bottles of Vitamin Water to chug throughout the day. I feel the need to point out that I looked fabulous, and as dedicated readers know, I'm about as shallow as a shot glass and my general mood for the day is pretty much dictated by how attractive I look. Ergo, I was in a great mood. My great mood was short-lived, however, as there was a young woman of Asian descent—approximately 5'3", 26-years-old, black hair, headband—standing directly in front of the refrigerator with the Vitamin Water in it. Her shit was everywhere. She was taking up the entire aisle, her handbag, gym back and CVS basket were on the floor and she was digging through her wallet, clearly looking for something. "Excuse me," I asked her politely, motioning towards the refrigerator. "Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," she sighed as she rolled her eyes and moved her body AN single millimeter so I could pass. Which is irritating in and of itself, but not Voluntary Manslaughter irritating. I went into the fridge, got my Vitamin Water, turned around and immediately tripped one of the various items she had thrown on the ground, causing the zipper from one of my boots to snag and ultimately tear a giant hole in my favorite pair of tights. After I fell face first into a display of blueberry Tasty Kakes, I looked down and surveyed the damage: not only was there now a giant hole in my favorite pair of tights, but the zipper on my brand new boots had also snapped off in the process. My eyes turned red and I felt my fangs descend. I turned around and looked at Asian Chick directly in the eyes. "Oh." she said, as if I had just told her I like a good pork chop. Now, I probably would have said "I'M SORRY" in that instance, but you know what? I'm actually the one who's sorry! I'm sorry that my human body got in the way of your various bags. They deserve a comfortable place to stand, not me. And I'm also sorry for not realizing that CVS is your bedroom! OH, pardon me! Now if you don't mind, I'm just going to go into "your" fridge and grab a few of "your" Vitamin Waters. I'll leave a few bucks with your "roommate" at the front register for "you" to grab later. "Thanks."

Of course I was so overcome with rage that I couldn't think of a single thing to say and just stared at her for an uncomfortable length of time before awkwardly shouting "JESUS CHRIST!" and running away. Naturally I spent the rest of the day thinking of things I should have said, which is irritating. Damnit. So if you or a friend is a young lady of Asian descent who was at the 19th Street CVS Tuesday morning at approximately 8:50am—you are incredibly lucky to have your life right now. I want an apology and a new pair of tights. At the very least. You A-fuck.

- Damnit...now I'm all riled up again after I had somewhat let it go. I hate leaving things on a sour note...WELP! You know what time it is!



38 comments:

James said...

This is bullshit. I WANT BUSH, PAN DOWN.

Best. Line. Ever. Sorry about your bag, but you gotta admit snapping her neck in the middle of the CVS aisle would probably have just led to a broken nail. Then you'd be REALLY pissed.

Heather said...

Okay, this prolly won't freak you out as much as the cockroach did that one day but the reason you should (as often as possible) wash new clothes is not so much of any sweatshop sperm/semen issues but more of an extreme amount of dyes, starches, and other random chemicals from the processing that are still in the clothes. That said if its a new dress or socks I don't wash them (lazy) but sheets or anything like under-roos I wash religiously. You can trust me; I'm a scientist. :)
And anywhoodle, keep up the fabulous writing--you make lunch (or slack time) better.

Mike said...

First off, I read your blog every day and I fucking love it. But recently, I've been noticing that when you're trying to let us know that something is ridiculously small, you say something like, "moved her body AN single millimeter." Why do you love using the article "an" when clearly "a" is called for? You always lose me on that. Am I missing an inside blog joke? Usually your grammer is pretty good, for all "intensive purposes."
Burn.

Anna said...

"at least you still have yer sodaa!"

Mike said...

Let's just say that my misspelling of "grammar" above was part of my burn.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

First off, I read your blog every day and I fucking love it. But recently, I've been noticing that when you're trying to let us know that something is ridiculously small, you say something like, "moved her body AN single millimeter." Why do you love using the article "an" when clearly "a" is called for? You always lose me on that. Am I missing an inside blog joke? Usually your grammer is pretty good, for all "intensive purposes."
Burn.


No it's in inside joke with my friends. I'm aware that it's grammatically incorrect, but we use (or misuse) it to ironically emphasize how small something is. If it's too inside, let know. You know I hate seeing your panties in a bunch, Mikey-poo.

Idle Wife said...

Just thought I'd let you know that after years of opening boxes at a certain large and well-known retail chain, I'll ALWAYS wash my clothes before wearing them. Not because of sweatshop masterbation (I have no idea where that idea came from), but because of all the chemicals they spray inside the boxes to keep the insects out during shipping. Now that I think about it, I really wish I would have had a protective mask on that whole time. Perhaps later on in life, I can sue them for lung cancer...THERE'S something to look forward to...
By the way, I love your blog! Hilarious!

Mike said...

Oh thank the sweet lord. I was concerned that you might be a fucking retard.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

To be fair, that's still a possibility.

James said...

Dear Meg,

Just FYI, "AN" being inappropriately used to emphasize smallness WAS too much of an inside joke. It drove me crazy, but I felt that pointing it out was far, far too meek-ish. I'm resting easy now that I know it's intentional.

<3 James

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

NOTED.

A. Rue said...

I'm with James. I mean. I never doubted you!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Any chance it could catch on or is this like a "fetch" situation?

Shanu said...

jumped here from bloggers choice..have to say..i love ur blog..will vote as soon as i stop laughin :)

James said...

Well, now that we know, we won't judge, but I'm not gonna use it. The grammar gnomes in my head get *A* little too crazy at the thought. What's the "fetch" situation?

corky said...

i have been reading your blog quite awhile now but felt the need to comment and say THANK YOU. not only did i laugh so hard i snorted (at my desk)(pretty sure my boss thinks i sit at my desk and toot now but whatever) but you really brightened up my day. a day that peaked when someone tried to steal my SHOES in the bathroom. (i only wish i were kidding.)

Grant said...

I'm pretty sure I've seen the inappropriately used "an" outside the context of this blog. I'm the kind of person who absorbs other people's weird speech patterns and stuff, but I don't think I picked that up from you. I used it independently. I think. Since I've only been reading this blog for six months or so.

Anyway, it never bothered me. Carry on.

maggie said...

alright, the "an" did confuse me, and it may very well be a "fetch" situation, but who knows…i always thought fetch could have survived if regina wasn't such a bitchity bitch about it…

takashi: maybe we should have robster craws
booger: what the fuck are robster craws?!

bahaha, couldn't help it

Lisa said...

Your blog is the best god damn thing I read daily. I'm trapped with bullshit fertility problems and fucked up ovaries and your blog makes that crap just a little easier. Thank you baby Jesus.

Kristin said...

Can we talk about how the parents' movie review site has "Consumerism" as one of the problem areas, along with "Sex" and "Drinking, Drugs and Smoking"??

James said...

Fuck me. I need to stop watching that movie drunk and forgetting stuff from it. Realization of what "fetch" was was a total "Ohhhhh YEAH!" moment. Ugh. I need some Consumerism, Drinking, Drugs, and Smoking to cheer me up.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

THANK YOU GRANT! I knew I liked you.

Your blog is the best god damn thing I read daily. I'm trapped with bullshit fertility problems and fucked up ovaries and your blog makes that crap just a little easier. Thank you baby Jesus.
Aww...If I can ever give you an ovary or an egg or something, it's all yours. I can't promise it hasn't been stewing in Sam Adams and pot run-off for 10 years...but it's yours!

Sabrina said...

Meg, have you not seen the episode of House (this was early, before it jumped shark) where two teenage boys got really really really sick and nearly died because they didn't wash the brand new clothes they'd bought off the back of a truck and clothes had been sprayed with insecticide? Freaked me the crap out. I always wash clothes before I wear them. Gorram Hugh Laurie.

Christine said...

Meg, I'm with you on the not washing of new clothes. I have a special knack for shrinking all of my favorite outfits, so insecticide be damned, I'm getting at least one good wear out of every non-hoo-ha grazing article of clothing.

Also, I'm with Grant; your use of "AN" never seemed like an actual mistake to me, perhaps because of the obvious over-emphasis and erroneous capitalization. Rest assured, it never detracted from this girl's 2B1B reading experience.

ashzilla said...

I tend to wash new clothes before wearing them because I've just noticed too many times nasty sweaty people trying on clothes or clothes falling off hangers and onto the floor and whatnot. Gross. Ever notice makeup residue on clothing you try on too? Yuck. You already swallowed a stranger's sweat, you shouldn't subject yourself to wearing their sweaty leavins either

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike said...

I'm with your buddy Bobby on the washing the clothes thing. Who knows how many dirty Cambodian kids jacked off on that Green Bay Packers t-shirt? Come to think of it, who knows how many little japanese kids just jacked off on the sushi you're eating? Though, I think all of us have thought at least once or twice about traveling to Cambodia for the sole purpose of having an exotic boy bust a nut all up on them. So, maybe it's not all bad.

Juan Don said...

I had no idea so much bad luck could befall a single person until I began reading your blog. My dear God, the shit that happens to you is nothing short of laws-of-probability-bending amazing. I mean, I imagine that stuff like this CVS episode must happen somewhere in the universe on a daily basis, but on the heels of your yoga sweat beverage occurrence, which came after your uncomfortable Asian-delivery-guy-mistaken-identity crisis... it boggles the mind.

Thank you so much for sharing your mishaps with the rest of us; it makes my everyday lapses in propriety and common sense that much easier to swallow. :)

Margo said...

FYI: Today (Friday) is Meghan McCain's birthday. Just in case you want to wish her a happy quarter- century.

Margo said...

And P.S., while i don't say "an", I will say "a" but with an "ah" sound for emphasis, not unlike the hilarious line from the seminal film "Wayne's World"

Wayne: I don't own "ah" gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I going to do with a gun rack?

Staci: If you're not careful Wayne, you're going to lose me.

Anonymous said...

Well, I really wish I had read your blog yesterday... (I know, I'm a day late...) because last night I bought 3 new pairs of underwear at V. Secrets. I didn't wash them. I have a pair on.

And considering the AN issue... I did think twice the first time I read it, however, knowing this blog is ironic/mocking/sarcastic, there was no doubt in my mind that it was being used in the above mentioned ways.

Thank you for all the laughs!

-Lauren

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I had no idea so much bad luck could befall a single person until I began reading your blog. My dear God, the shit that happens to you is nothing short of laws-of-probability-bending amazing. I mean, I imagine that stuff like this CVS episode must happen somewhere in the universe on a daily basis, but on the heels of your yoga sweat beverage occurrence, which came after your uncomfortable Asian-delivery-guy-mistaken-identity crisis... it boggles the mind.

Thank you so much for sharing your mishaps with the rest of us; it makes my everyday lapses in propriety and common sense that much easier to swallow. :)


That comment warmed my heart so much. It truly is amazing how much bad luck I have, but this is the only effective way I've found to deal with it. To mock it shamelessly in a public forum. So I'm glad you like it.

Marie said...

What is the big deal about washing new clothes?? You already tried in on for christ's sake! All the insecticides and sperm semen are already on your body!! I guess you people take showers after trying clothes on!?

poelondon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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