Dear Queer Abby,
I'm from a small town, and so when a bunch of my friends and I went off to the same big college last year, we stayed close. I'd always been friends-only with most of the guys until that point, but breaking up with my longtime boyfriend started to change that. Recently, I've been hooking up with one of those guy friends on a slightly-less-than-semi-
regular, drunk only basis. We also drunk texted on nights when we weren't partying together. There were no commitments or declarations - neither of us are interested in dating or anything else - and we never went very far, but last night that changed. The problem is that I didn't enjoy anything we did... Enough to the point that I'm not interested in repeated it AT ALL. And it wasn't just a flop night or anything, going further just made me realize that I'm a lot less interested in him than I thought I was. My question is: how can I end this/avoid it ever happening again? I'm both awkward and shy and I don't want to come off sounding like an asshole, plus I prefer to avoid confrontation at all costs. I don't want to lose this guy as afriend - we've known each other forever and he's always been a great friend, plus he's roommates with my roommate's boyfriend so I'll definitely be seeing him on a fairly regular basis, and I have NO IDEA what to do. Please help!!!
Starting to Feel Regretful...
A little backstory - I've had a teenage-girl-like crush on a distant friend for about a year. I met him at school, and he graduated about two years ago, but still lives nearby. He's actually not so much my friend, as my friend's friend. I've never spent time alone with him, and have always felt a little awkward about texting him. But whenever we've hung out together, at a party or the bar, we had chemistry. Honestly, I NEVER expected it to turn into something real and it wasn't even that serious, but it was fun to have a crush, blah, blah, blah.
Enter this weekend's events. A group of us went out camping for the weekend, and said friend fell from a very high height onto his face. I was one of two people to see it happen, and the first person to reach him. I ended up kneeling next to him for the next half hour while we waited for the ambulance. Now, I don't know if you've ever been with someone when they are seriously injured, but it's a pretty intense emotional experience. I felt entirely responsible for his life, regardless of the fact that I have absolutely 0 medical training. By the end of the 30 minutes, I found that my crush had gone from zero to hero.
He went to the hospital that night and we later learned that he had a broken jaw. Someone took him home from the hospital, and I drove his car back to his house from the camp site. Coincidentally, I happen to be the only one of his friends who's currently living nearby. (I'm at school for the summer, and everyone else has yet to arrive back on campus. His parents live a few hours away, and everyone else lives in Jersey or some equally distant place.) Therefore, I've been trying to help take care of him. I've taken him to doctor's appointments, brought him movies, etc. Long story short, I'm spending a lot of time with him, which is great. I'm getting to know him better, and I've gotten the impression that he's not entirely disgusted by my presence.
My conflict comes in because I don't want to complicate his situation. I feel like a broken jaw is probably enough to deal with without having to also worry about having to figure out a relationship. And I want to be there for him. But at the same time, I'm having trouble drawing the line between good friend and girl with a giant crush. It's hard for me not to read into every little thing (I get butterflies from a text), when because of the situation, it probably means nothing more than he's grateful.
I'm worried that I only feel a connection to him because I was there when he fell. How do I know that I'm not greatly exaggerating my feelings for him because of what happened? How do I keep helping him without also going crazy? And how do I tell the difference between what's him being interested and what's him being thankful?
Dead from complications
Well you liked him before, so I wouldn’t be too worried that your feelings are completely disingenuous. There are a million reasons and circumstances under which we fall for others; I don’t necessarily think one is more or less valid than any other.
That said, play it cool for now. Obviously keep helping him out, because a) that’s awesome of you, b) he’ll definitely be grateful and thing you’re great for it (especially if it doesn’t seem like you have ulterior motives) and c) as you mentioned, it’s a great way to get to know him better and figure out if your feelings are exaggerated by the circumstances. But, for now, don’t worry about discerning his feelings for you or vice versa. That will sort itself out with a little more time and you don’t want to complicate the situation by pressing the subject or forcing his hand. I’m not saying you should act totally disinterested or anything, but for the time being just focus on doing this for him as a friend (without acting like a mother or nurse in the process) and responding to him in a way that’s consistent and appropriate given how he’s treating you, know what I mean?
Now, if you guys are still hanging out a lot, you still really like him and he’s not showing interest in anyone else in a few months time but things haven’t progressed, at that point it might be worth revisiting whether or not you should be a little more proactive. I just don’t think now is the time for it and I think you have more to gain (and certainly less to lose) from playing it cool at this point. Things will get real awkward if either of you get the sense there are unrequited feelings there while he still has to depend on you to take care of him but. Not to mention, you don’t want him to take a romantic interest in you just because there aren’t a lot of other people around and he needs someone to be there for him—that’s not sustainable and will eventually get really awkward too. But, if you can avoid either of those scenarios by being patient, then at the end of all of this (regardless of how it turns out romantically) you guys will probably stay fairly close… And if it doesn’t end up turning into something more than friends when things do go back to normal for him, I promise it won’t be because you didn’t come on strong enough now.
I can't answer this question based solely on how fucking confused I am. OK. So, he has a broken jaw, correct? When you have a broken jaw, don't they have to wire it shut for a few months while it heals and you can only drink a Boost for breakfast and Ensure for dizzert? Now, I'm basing most of this on Kanye West's experience, true, but still, how is he supposed to show interest in you if he can't talk? Is there a chance that they'll cut the wires and he'll be like, "GGGGGGAH! FINALLY! I'VE BEEN WAITING MONTHS TO ASK YOU IF YOU WANTED TO GET A DRINK OR MAYBE EVEN DINNER SOME TIME?!" Because if so, that would be romantic. And creepy. Mostly because I imagine moths and shit flying out like when Billy Butcherson rips open his mouth in Hocus Pocus.
Dear Queer Abby,
Yours truly is queer. Like full on blossoming-ball-of-sunshine in a vase of tulips type of gay. If there was a fire in my apartment, the one thing I'd grab is my autographed headshot of trashy-novel author Jackie Collins (in the ornate hot-pink frame, naturally) - just setting the scene here.
So last week I left the District for a work trip to foggy San Francisco. Being an expensed trip, I rationalized that it was perfectly appropriate to blow some cash at a bar in the Castro on drinks. I chose a karaoke joint with a one-word name and a cute bouncer. Long story short, I made out with a WOMAN. Repeatedly. And kind of didn't hate it.
There was some sort of I'll-buy-you-a-drink, date combination going on, and all of a sudden we were kissing and singing Barbie Girl by Aqua (WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN MY IDEA, I SHOULD ADMIT) on stage and it was delicious.
What wasn't delicious was the malibu and cokes and Marlboro ultralight breath of said gentelady (which I can still taste), and the confusion in the morning.
Now that I'm back safely ensconced in the borders of DC I can't stop thinking about it. Am I straight? Is there anyway I can atone for my sins with some sort of ultra-gay adventure or something? Should I give the ole' ladylumps a chance????
~I left my Gay Card In San Francisco
You think an ultra-gay adventure will fix this? You had your sexual-identity crisis at karaoke bar in gay-Mecca!...
I’m gonna spare you the sexual spectrum speech and just say, ‘Congrats, you just doubled your dating pool!’ From here forward just try to explore your interest in whoever catches it, regardless of what’s in their pants. You’ll either figure it out one way or another, or you’ll realize you don’t have to figure it out. And either way, you won’t have to deal with the unresolved questions.
I wouldn't be questioning my sexual identity so much if I were you. Because it's my belief that making out is like being sexually attracted to Jenny Lewis; it knows no gender. So you made out with a girl and you liked it; what with the taste of her cherry chapstickmaybe you've just discovered that you like making out with girls? That's cool. You have a really clever pseudonym, like the musical stylings of Aqua and live in DC; we'll totally make out sometime.
I'll tell you a story. One night during Senior year of college, the AU gang was out at a bar in Adam's Morgan (again, I stress Senior year of college) and Alex and I got into a fight. We took it outside and apparently our argument got heated because out of nowhere this drunk-ass girl stumbled up, grabbed us both by the arms and slurred, "Oh my gawd. You guys are schluuuuch an attractive couple. You can't fight. MAKE OUT! I WANNA WATCH YOU TWO MAKE OUT!" Alex and I looked at her, looked at each other, shrugged and proceeded to make out in the street for her viewing pleasure. And after her friends finally dragged her away, we went right back into fighting like it never happened.
My point here is thisAlex and Meg: will make out 4 compliments. My secondary, and less important point is that I don't think Alex questioned his sexuality after that. (I'd call and ask, but I'm pretty sure his parents are in town and staying with him tonight and I don't want them to overhear me being like, "HEY, ALEX! REMEMBER WHEN WE SUCKED FACE IN THE STREET BECAUSE SOME DRUNK CHICK WANTED TO WATCH? DID YOU STILL THINK YOU WERE A QUEER AFTER THAT?!") Because making out is fun; even in the middle of a heated fight. Shit, it might even be more fun then. The true test is whether or not you want to take it any further with a lady. For example: vaginas.
Let's talk about vaginas for a moment. I realize that I run the risk of having all of my feminist points taken away from me when I say this, but, I do not care for vaginas, thank you. I interact with my vagina as little as humanly possible. Sometimes I put something in, sometimes I take something out and I keep it clean. That's about as deep as that river runs. Because of this, I have a very medieval level of understanding about vaginal anatomy. Until three months ago, I didn't know where the cervix was and thought if you threw it in the river and you floated, it proved you were a witch. My vagina is a haunted house of mystery to me. I open my legs and ghosts fly out. I mention this because during one of my recent business calls with Tulane Chris, this exchanged happened:
Meg: I think I'm destined to be alone. But then again, I get emails all the time from chicks telling me they have a girl-crush on me. Do you think that's the Universe's subtle way of telling me that I'm a lesbian?
Tulane Chris: Well, let me ask you a question.
T: When you see a pretty girl walking down the street, do you think to yourself, "God, I'd just give anything to rub my face around in her warm, dripping wet pussy"?
M: [After a solid 30 seconds of silence] I'm literally so nauseated right now that I can't feel my legs.
T: Congratulations, you're not a lesbian.
So, dear reader, I ask you this: if you saw a pretty girl walking down the street, would you give anything to rub your face around in her warm, dripping wet pussy? If not, I think it's safe to say you're still the gayest kid on the block. And if so, .
Do you have a question that you'd like Amy and Meg to answer? Do you want Meg to hit on you? Despite your very obvious sexual orientation? Shoot an email to today!