I wish I could italicize blog titles...

Oh, hey gurl. I'm back. And stressed out by my own absence. I've been avoiding reading blog comments for the past few days because I know when posts go down, hostile blog comments go up. And I get it; it makes sense and I accept that it's part of the job. But with things as touch-and-go as they've been in my personal life lately, I'd just rather not read about how I'm the least funny thing since Serbian genocide and my mom should have aborted me in June, 1984 and saved the world a lot of grammatically-based trouble. Because while I'm not saying that you don't have a point, I am saying that sometimes I'm more emotionally equipped to handle rough blog comments than others.

Which is why it's sort of regrettable that I keep getting emails from people being like, "Dear Meg: I'm a big fan of the blog, which is why it's been so rough reading the comments recently. That shit is FUCKED UP. Don't do that to yourself with a soldering iron. And nobody actually thinks your mom has Hepatitis. Plus, you said you're locking your door from now on, so I don't think anyone will actually rape the lazy out of you, you know?" I'm like, "Wait, I stopped reading blog comments for a few days. Is it really that bad?" And then either a.) I don't get an email back, or b.) I get back an awkward, "Oh...................don't worry about it. Great talking to you, BYE! "

I was at work once and Alex was in the neighborhood, so he stopped in to say hi. I was psyched to see him until he dove into, "HA HA OH MAN, someone on the Internet really hates you!"

"WAIT. I haven't had a chance to read blog comments today, what did they say?"

"Oh. Uh. You know, just the usual. Nothing too bad. I wouldn't worry about it."

"You just went 10 neighborhoods out of your way to talk to me about whatever it is that they said."

"Yeah. Well. I mean, you know how it is.................OK, WELL I BETTER GET GOING, GREAT TO SEE YOU! MWA, MWA!"

The same thing pretty much happened when Talia came over tonight for dinner. We were catching up and giggling and gossiping the general what-not, when out of nowhere she was like, "God, so the blog comments have been fuckin' brutal lately, huh??" I was like, "GOD DAMNIT! I KEEP GETTING EMAILS ABOUT IT AND NOW I'M TOO SCARED TO LOOK. WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAYING?" Never much of a liar, bless her heart, Talia proceeded to legitimately shift her eyes around the room for a few seconds until she managed to get out, "I mean, it's kind of a good thing when you really think about it!"

So I have a new rule: if I get a specifically cruel comment or comments; don't tell me. That's right, for a very homo friendly blog, I'm instating a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Because whatever was said, I'll read it eventually and it will suck and I'll do my stress vomits, but then I'll move on and you'll move on and we'll all be better people because of it. Deal? Deal.

I really bring this up because I can't decide if people would be more pissed off if I explain where I've been the past couple of days or if I gloss over it completely and pretend like it never happened. I mean, I guess either way someone's going to tell me to abort myself, so it really doesn't matter. I've been out-of-town working on blog business stuff with Chris without Internet access. Sorry, it's not really that glamorous of an explanation. (Although Chris' dad told Chris to take me out to dinner Saturday night and pay for it with his card. He later referred to this dinner as our first date. TEEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEOOOOO!) But we're done. (With our blog work, that is. Me and Chris' dad are just beginning.) Fingers crossed something good comes out of it so we can keep the blog a-growin'. But in the mean time, I'm back with a constant source of wireless Internet and cable TV, so hey HEY hey. K. I'll just be aborting myself now. Flush!

(By the way: Larry Hagman is alive; you'll get a double Jersey Shore recap this Friday and Queer Abby will be back tomorrow.)

So, I really liked Chris' post yesterday. I mean, I always like Chris' posts. I'd read them even if they weren't on my blog. (YEAH. YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR.) But I specifically liked his post yesterday. I've been mulling over his proposed list of new getting-to-know-you questions all day and even though I'm not going back to school (HA HA...what if?), I thought I'd share my answers with you anyway.

"What song will your bathtub suicide anthem be?" GOD DAMNIT. Chris totally took the best one. This question gave me the most trouble. And you might think we're morbid fucks for thinking about this, but seriously, your bathtub suicide anthem says a lot about you. What way would you go—ironic? Reassuring? Disturbing? Topical? It's important to think about now because you don't want to make a hasty decision in the moment and be That Guy who the cops find dead in the tub with Black Eyed Peas' "Pump It" on repeat. Unless you do. In which case, you know, maybe it was for the best...

Case study: Top 3 Cinematic Suicide Anthems:

3.) Girl, Interrupted: "End of the World", Skeeter Davis.

Points for irony.

2.) The Rules of Attraction: "I Can't Live (If Living Is Without You)", Harry Nilsson.
[Embedding disabled, click here.]

Points for irony and points for how delightfully emo this scene is. Especially:

I love this movie and I love this scene. It would have been #1 on the list, but one thing consistently bothers me about this scene no matter how many times I've seen it: she sits in a college dorm bathtub. Eww. Every time I watch it, I want to be in the moment and be sad for her and feel tense, but instead I'm like, "Aw, that poor girl, this is so disturboh, god, no, DON'T SIT, WEAR SHOWER PANTS, WARTS!!!!" They say you need balls to kill yourself, but that requires cojones of steel.

1.) The Royal Tenenbaums: "Needle In The Hay," Elliot Smith.

Well played, Mr. Wilson. By the way, this is absolutely the most disturbing thing I've ever seen in my entire life:

When you get down to brass tacks, I agree with Chris; I'd want to go out on the angstiest song humanly possible. And since he took "All The Things She Said," I'm going to have to go with "Stay Together For the Kids" by Blink-182. Because if there's anything angstier than suicide, it's early '00's teenagers dealing with divorce emotions.
HA HA HA HA...Mark Hoppus. Plus, that would eradicate any lingering "WAS IT OUR FAULT?!" feelings my parents may be struggling with. The cops would be like, "She was playing Blink-182's 'Stay Together For the Kids' on repeat."

"But...we did."

"Well ma'am, you clearly did everything you could."

"Oh. Well then! Brunch?"

See? See how thoughtful I am, even in death, mom?

"What's the lamest thing you ever did?" That's like asking Larry the Cable Guy the most redneck thing he's ever done. I guess I'll default to Simpsons tattoo and a locally recognized blog?

"What is your most embarrassing fear?" That part of I-95 in north New Jersey you have to drive through right before you get to New York where it's all industrial and nothing but scary piping and metal and ominous lighting and steam and bridges and oh my fucking god. I don't know what that area is technically called, but I strictly refer to it as The Devil's Workshop. Why? Because that's exactly what it looks like. I only just got to the point where I can drive through without having a panic attack, but that's only as a passenger. I haven't even begun to tackle driving it myself and honestly, I probably never will. And I'm fine with that. I know exactly what rest stop to get off at to switch drivers in time for me to take a Klonopin, close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and la-la-la-la-la all the way through the Devil's Workshop.

"What's your default drunk singing songs?"

"Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)", Looking Glass.
My #1 go-to drunk karaoke song and personal theme song. Junior year Halloween, me, Helena and Alex went as this song: I was Brandy, Alex was The Sailor and Helena was The Sea. Still hands down my favorite Halloween costume ever. (Sorry, Jäger Deer.) The night before I moved to New York, I had a goodbye party at Millie & Al's to do Jell-o shots and karaoke for old time's sake, and when I sang this song, everyone stood up and sang along and it kind of felt like my heart had just been pulled out of my body with a corkscrew via my asshole. Memories...

"Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson.
Yeah? What of it.

"All I Want For Christmas," Mariah Carey
Somewhere in Greenbelt, Maryland, Ashleigh has a really amazing video of the AU gang in Helena and Alex's old kitchen, wasted, dancing around and singing this at the top of our lungs. Helena, Alex and their then roommate Lauren threw a holiday party at their old house on Capitol Hill and it was right around the time I moved back from New York, so I was really excited to go and meet their new friends. Now, I was under the impression that this was a dress-up holiday party, so I rolled up in a red mini dress and 5-inch black leather booties, smoky eyes and my hair up in a french twist. Thus, you can imagine how uncomfortable I felt when I opened the door and saw a sea of hipsters in jeans and t-shirts. I was like, "Oooo...I grossly misunderstood the assignment." I felt like such a jackhole, as if I were playing into the whole, "Hi I'm MEG, I just moved back from NEW YORK, I'm FABULOUS, my skirt barely covers my LABIA!" I chose to deal with this embarrassment by marinating my liver in the punch bowl for the rest of the night. And say what you will about alcoholism, but it totally helped. Hours later I was singing and dancing to "All I Want For Christmas" in the kitchen, not giving two shits about what I was wearing.

And that was today's Meg's Lessons on Self-Esteem, kids.

"What's the Lamest Thing You Ever Cried At?" Uh, when Kermit's suicide montage flashed a picture of him and Jim Henson five minutes ago? Although I don't think that's lame, as much as it is completely justified.

"Do You Have Any Humiliating Medical Problems?" Yes. Yes, I do.

"What's the most horrifically inappropriate sentence you've ever heard?" OK, well if Chris gets to cheat and say something that he didn't actually hear, I get to say something that I didn't actually say. But I came disturbingly close.

Back story: When I was living at home in December 2008 (right around the time I was flashing my shit all over town to expand my social circle,) I went with my parents to get our Christmas tree. When we got it back to the house, my dad started obsessively vacuuming and re-arranging the furniture in our living room before he set up the tree, during which I chose to entertain myself by snapping a little branch off the tree and whittling it down until it resembled a Harry Potter wand. I was really, really proud of myself. I loved my Harry Potter wand. I spent the better part of that evening, as well as many others, prancing around the house casting various spells on things. (Yes, I was 23, but I was also unemployed and had been living at home for four months. I don't really know what to tell you.) I could only remember two actual spells from Harry Potter: alohomora and wingardium leviosa! So when those got old, I got creative. For example, if Evie wouldn't stop meowing: CATETH VON SHUTETH! If I wanted my dad to get me a glass of wine? PINOTIUS GRIGIOUS! If I was hungry? SNACKUMS DELICIOSO!

Now, while I thought this was hilarious, my mom didn't exactly feel the same way. After a few days, she gave me an ultimatum: throw out my Harry Potter wand, or have it shoved up my ass. Frankly, I didn't want either of those things to happen, so I told her I threw it out, but actually hid it on one of the branches deep in the Christmas tree. (23-years-old.) Then when I moved out of the house and into my apartment a few weeks later, I crept into the living room, took it out of the tree and packed it in one of my suitcases. It currently resides in my closet in an old digital camera box.

Flash forward to my cab ride to National Airport, en route to Ireland this past June. Halfway through the ride, my cabbie started fiddling with his sun visor. I looked up to see what he was doing and I swear to all that is good and holy, this is what I saw:

He had a god damn little tree branch shoved in his visor. Absolutely no amount of science can measure how close I came to shouting, "DID YOU WHITTLE YOURSELF A HARRY POTTER WAND TOO!?!?!?" And just knowing that that sentence could exist in my lexicon was slightly depressing.

At best.


P. Walter Thomas III said...

Your Harry Potter wand reminds me of freshmen year of high school when I was new, after having gone to private school up to that point, I got invited to a girl's birthday party and she and her friend convinced me that they wanted to do sumo wrestling and everyone was supposed to bring a pillow. Even after my older sister telling me I was dumb, I insisted on bringing the pillow and sitting in the corner all night after having brought said pillow.

Anonymous said...

What, was "Adam's Song" too cliche? I know a guy who tried to kill himself with that song playing...he lived, so it's ok.

Jenna said...

Omg. That place before NYC is Newark NJ and I hate it more than anything. I call it "anti-Disney world" because it's the Worst place on earth.

Unknown said...

I for one want to bitchslap the person every time I see a snarky comment. Oh, is Meg/Chris not funny enough for you/they skipped a day??? What makes you feel so entitled & obviously knee-slappingly hilarious yourself that you want to hate on the people who bring you comedy gold day after day (and if not, then day after 2 days, who the eff cares?) yeah I like to read your shit every day but I (and most of your loyal readers) understand that you have a life. We are just lucky that you share it with us sometimes.

Haters wanna hate...wait a sec maybe that should be your suicide song, that'll show them self-righteous pricks.

cassie said...

honestly, i just get worried when a few days go by without a post. i think longtime readers know that this is important to you.
and this was an amazing "i'm back, bitches" post. :)

Christine said...

That stretch of I-95 is what I imagine the USSR was like.

I'm glad you're back and not dead!

thislittlebirdie said...

"What's the most horrifically inappropriate sentence you've ever heard?"

The summer before I graduated from college, I worked in an Italian restaurant in Manhattan. The owner was born and raised in Brooklyn, either was in the mafia or wished he was, and had taken over the restaurant from his parents. His parents still came in almost every day though and proceeded to get in scream-fights with their son and each other. (Fortunately, a large percentage of the clientele were international and English was not their first language, so they couldn't make out the thick Brooklyn-accented cursing.)

One Sunday brunch, in standard fashion, the father is all huffy and pissed at his wife and son. But this time shit escalates and he proceeds to have a total fucking meltdown. This culminates with him standing in the middle of the restaurant and screaming at the top of his lungs (while looking at this wife and pointing at his son):



TonicSOS said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy said...

Meg! Don't let the nasty comnment haters get you down. You are awesome and I nearly peed my pants reading this post :)

TonicSOS said...

Meg: You've never disappointed me and today is no different. The wand story is amazing. Thanks for improving my day. You are my favorite person that I don't actually know. (You beat out Snooki and Tom Green. Believe me, tough competition.)

Leigh said...

The commentws were getting a litle rough rider there for a minute... but I just imagined that those anonymous comments were left by folks from Suzy Soto's(?) blog or FFXU. Like Terri says, haters wanna hate.

Plus, y'all do this shit for FREE. Back off, bitches!

Lauren said...

BAHAHA I have to drive along that section of the turnpike every day after work on my ridiculous commute home! I don't live near there (thank god) but you're right, it's a total hellish, scary nightmare of smoke towers, wires, crap, crap, and more crap.

Ashley said...


hilarious post, btw.

Anonymous said...

I <3 you Meg. Shake them haters off.

Anonymous said...

Great Success!!

Anonymous said...

You're back, yay!! It's been too long since you've brightened my work day. :) Can't wait for your jersey shore recaps!

Anonymous said...

yes that poor man's miswak is also his harry potter wand.

google it.

Lisa said...

I love that, in the paragraph about singing "All I want for Christmas", the four highlighted phrases were "MEG" "NEW YORK" "FABULOUS" "LABIA". If that's all one takes away from this post, I think that's pure gold.

Denise said...

I has a pool cue I used as a wand that my older sister snapped in half one day she got mad at me. I still harbor untold amounts of animosity for her because of that.

Annalisa said...

I was so afraid Larry Hagman had died. I couldn't read the news or watch television all weekend because I promised myself long ago that I'd only hear that sad news only from the loving lips of M.McBlogger.


That sounded a little gay. Sorry.


Keep sharing! <3 much

ashleigh said...


just sayin..

Patrick said...

I think a lot of people just post hateful comments when you're gone because they're just SO used to you.

I mean a lot of long time readers have seen other "birds" come and go and just don't want you to leave for good.

It's like when Mom goes on a weekend trip with her friends and you're left at home with Dad. Sure you still get all the food and parental guidance you need, but it's just missing *something*.

Anyway, you both still make me laugh. Keep doing what you're doing.

Molly Malone said...

Ignore the haters - you have more people who think you're hilarious than those who don't! Just visualize the haters getting a gasoline douche and you'll feel much better!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I totally learned something new and fascinating today. Thank you, anonymous, for pointing out the existence of the miswak!

Lacy said...

Here. You need this:


In related news, August was "Change Your Middle Name to Your Favorite Harry Potter Character" month on facebook. Although it is now September, I'm officially dubbing you Meg SheWhoMustNotBeNamed McBlogger, and letting all the haters know that if they want to give you the proverbial stink-eye they should watch their backs because with your wand and new name, you are not afraid to whip out the ol' Avada Kedavra spell on their asses.

Rachel said...

speaking of wand, check out The Wand Company- who make Kymera wands... that function as A TV REMOTE. It is amazing and the best christmas (or hanukkah, whatevs, magic loves all its believers) present I have ever gotten... for... myself.


Rachel said...

damn it lacy.

n8rlvr said...

Pay no attention to the haters that leave ugly comments. We love you and all the weird blogging things you do.

And if those hoochies continue to spread the hate, I will put the Petrificus Totalus (Body-Bind Curse) on their ass. Cuz I have a wand too! :O)

Lisa said...

The haters can S your D

Abbey said...

I got diarrhea in the Devil's Workshop one time and had to get off the highway and find an appropriate place to.. well.. you know. I found a Dunkin' Donuts and ran inside with that "oh.my.holy.donuts. get me a toilet now" look on my face. They had no toilet but kindly referred me to the auto mechanic across the street. One of the least pleasant experiences of my early adulthood. Could have gone w/o that one.

pook555 said...

Yep, that I-95 stretch is awful (I've only ever driven through parts of New Jersey, but never been anywhere in the state, and those stretches of hwy are awful...sorry NJ). And I love your HP wand story - and I want one of those TV wand remotes that one of the posters above mentioned...

Anonymous said...


Oh how we've missed you! So glad you and Hagman are alive and well.

We (the non-assholes) were worried. To the extent that I realized that I'm more than a lil gay for you.

Fuck the haters. Bring back Meg "oh I'M sorry I'm not writing for your entertainment for FREE every day of my life" McBlogger.

Anonymous said...

Great post but I think Rules of Attraction is my most hated movie of all time. Next to ShopGirl.

Clearly a girly movie marathon is not in our future.

Ali said...

Great post as usual, Meg! Fuck what the haters say.

I had never seen the Rules of Attraction suicide scene before (or the movie at all, for that matter), and holy shit, I am practically in tears. It was dark and disturbing, yet oddly beautiful.

My suicide song would definitely be "Adam's Song", as the first anonymous mentioned, even though it's cliche.

Alyssa Rizzini said...

oh my goodnesss! when I read chris's bath suicide song i IMMEDIATELY thought of the end of the world song from girl interrupted.

then today it shows up on yours! and its been stuck in my head since his post.

Meg'sTwinMeaghan said...

Meg, Meg, Meg. How could you ever doubt yourself when you give us such gems as,

"Plus, that would eradicate any lingering "WAS IT OUR FAULT?!" feelings my parents may be struggling with. The cops would be like, "She was playing Blink-182's 'Stay Together For the Kids' on repeat."

"But...we did."

"Well ma'am, you clearly did everything you could."

"Oh. Well then! Brunch?"

See? See how thoughtful I am, even in death, mom?,"

"And that was today's Meg's Lessons on Self-Esteem, kids,"

AND your tweet, "@DeannaNMc @vanessacmueller a "welcome wonk"? in my day we didn't get complementary hand jobs on move in day. perhaps au IS getting better."

Meg, you are literally the funniest person that I wish I knew. You brighten so many people's days (including mine) with your writing. Ignore all of the cruel commenters; they're just socially-challenged Meeks who envy your comedy and devoted group of fans. As a fellow Me(a)ghan, Maryland native, and AU Eagle (Thus my comment handle. For real, it's eery how similar we are. My friends who are hooked on the blog agree, too, so it's not just me saying that.) (God I sound so creepy. Oh, well, I accept it.), I can say without a doubt that you are awesome. Don't let those bastards get to you. Everytime a Meek wins, an angel dies.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Aw, thanks guys.

AND ADAM'S SONG. Jesus, that's a blast from the past...

NotablyNeurotic said...

This is my most favorite blog in the history of blogging. I love it so much, and love YOU as a writer so much, I find myself telling my husband about your blog posts saying, "Then Meg said this ...".

You are too funny, and I wish I had a friend who was remotely as entertaining as you!

Emz321 said...

I try to visit the blog only once a day to check and see if anything has been posted. Much to my surprise and complete excitement there are two posts for me to read today. I can't even begin to say how much this is totally making my day! You have far more fans than haters and honestly it's funny that they take the time to complain, I'm betting it's Kevin Wang. He hasn't had a mention in awhile...

Anonymous said...

Just in case you're interested, since Universal Studios opened the Wizarding World of Harry Potter they now make Harry Potter wands. But before you buy one first I suggest you take one of those quizzes on facebook, "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?!" So you know which wand best suits you, you know let the wand pick you and all. I may have gotten one for my "little sister" and it may also be the best thing I ever sold my plasma to purchase.


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But one seemingly simple yet relatively deep and complicated question has always bothered me: when does localization go so far that it becomes censorship? Should gamers accept this?

As a recent example, Yakuza 3 on PS3 shows well how thin the frontier between censorship and localization can be. A lot of gamers complained because some scenes and important elements of the games where changed when the game made it to US.

Now the question is: do all of these elements actually required to be changed? Isn't that just based on a stereotype that American gamers tend to be more religious and concerned about nudity and violence? I assume that someone purchasing the third installment in a game series would normally have a pretty good idea as to what kind of content they were getting into, especially with a series such as Yakuza, which is relatively well-known. The games even receive ratings similar to films, giving the consumer an even better idea of what the game in question contains.

Regardless as to what country this game is purchased in, by default (due to content) the player will generally be an adult - or at least old enough to understand that the game may contain some "naughty bits". Just look at the cover - this fact is not going to surprise anyone. So who are the publishers to decide even further who this game is for, and what parts they should be allowed to play?.

Game localization should be given more consideration, and before censoring, developers should rather listen to their gamers at first.

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