What I Learned From 43 Episodes of Nip/Tuck

So I've been sick recently. So I've been sicker than normal recently. I wasn't going to get into it because I'm pretty sure if I discuss one more health issue on this blog, the Make-A-Wish Foundation is going to step in and send me to Disney World, and frankly the only reason I'd go to Florida is to learn how to bake with Kevin Yang or force Helena to watch a shuttle blast-off because she's scared of space and we have a sadistic friendship. But, I mention it now because recently I haven't really felt up to venturing into the outside word, so I've been spending a lot of time inside watching TV on Netflix instead. (NETFLIX: YOU SICK ADDICTIVE BEAUTIFUL BITCH, YOU.) I got into Nip/Tuck late in the game, so I decided it would be a really "good" idea to go back and start from the beginning, especially since I've always wanted to see the episodes about the illusive and grim serial killer, "The Carver." And I did this at 12:30 in the morning. By myself. To help me go to sleep.

Things I've also deemed a really "good" idea in the moment: buying, and subsequently wearing, a John Deer baby-tee at the age of 20; going blonde; not wearing sunscreen in Arizona while laying out for 8 hours because "I don't tan"; deciding that Apple Care is for hippies and billionaires; getting an eyebrow piercing at 24 because I had feelings; topping off the large meal I ate at Anna's goodbye BBQ last month with a sausage link and a bloody mary (and not in that order, by the way; simultaneously.) And what do all of these things have in common? They all seemed like a good idea at the time, but were horrible, horrible, horrible decisions in the end. My little Nip/Tuck marathon was no exception.

Not only did it scare the shit out of me because the majority of episodes in seasons 2 and 3 are about a serial killer who viciously rapes and disfigures his victims, it's also addictive as crack and I could not stop watching. And the thing is (and no offense, Mr. Murphy. You gave the world Mr. Schuester and the tale of an effeminate, football playing twink who Mike O'Malley finally learned to accept. You pretty much get a free pass at this point.), you wouldn't think I'd be so addicted to Nip/Tuck. I mean, it's a great show, don't get me wrong, but every time I watch it, I'm distracted by the fact that Julia's always crying and Matt a.) has a vagina or my name isn't Meghan C. McBlogger (....oh) and b.) is the most irritating character in FX programming history. But despite this, I was addicted. I couldn't stop watching. I ended up watching 3 seasons in 2 days and have burn marks on my thighs from my charging laptop sitting in my lap for so many hours. (And when it got too hot, I'd take a break and move it to my stomach. So good day to you, chances of conceiving.)

When I started this whole mishegoss, I just wanted to see The Carver episodes and for some reason thought they would be spread out over like, 4 episodes, tops. So, I got emotionally invested and and vowed to ride it out to the end. But I didn't know the end would be two seasons later. And by that time, I just couldn't stop watching until I knew who The Carver was. And Christ! I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually sick of TV. I kind of want to eat a celery stalk and toss a ball around. Outside.

Now, I know you're thinking that I could have just stopped and looked up who The Carver turned out to be on The Google, but don't you get it?That would have been cheating. I got myself into this mess and it was up to me to get myself out. Honorably. And I did. By watching 43 episodes of Nip/Tuck back-to-back until The Carver's big reveal. And let me tell you, watching 43 episodes of anything is enough to drive you insane.

Speaking which, I would like to apologize to those of you who follow me on Twitter for accidentally live-tweeting the end of season 3 tonight. I realize my thoughts on those episodes probably would have been slightly more interesting in 2006, but in 2006 I was watching a lot of 1980's Degrassi Junior High and Clone High DVDs. And frankly, I have no regrets. I'd also like to thank Alan Zilberman, the movie reviewer at Brightest Young Things, who I don't actually know, but did briefly serve as a helpful sounding board for my Carver theories. And to Teresa's boyfriend, Dave, who stepped in at the last minute and told me which episode the big reveal was so I knew when I'd be getting my life back. Aaaaaand to everyone who didn't unfollow me for manically tweeting about 4-year-old episodes of Nip/Tuck. Because that did happen.

But this little Nip/Tuck-a-thon gave as well as it took. True, I lost some followers because of a spike in my usual Twitter obnoxiousness, but I learned some very important lessons as well. Lessons, which I will gladly share with you now:

What I Learned From 43 Episodes of Nip/Tuck:

1.) Dame Helen Mirren really has the market on hot-older-distinguished-Lady cornered, but in my opinion, Vanessa Redgrave deserves an amen. Because, I said god damn:


Actually, I think my mom repeatedly told me that when Natasha Richardson died last year as a little, "Oh did you know...?" fun fact, but it went in one ear and out the other because I couldn't visualize who Vanessa Redgrave was and kept picturing Robert Redford, which then made me think of Katharine Hepburn and I was like, didn't Katharine Hepburn die six years ago? I don't know. Writing this blog has taught me a lot about myself; specifically that I'm not that smart.

3.) I am never getting surgery. Ever. According to popular medical opinion, I currently need three procedures: a tonsillectomy, wisdom teeth extraction and a breast reduction. And to those three surgeries, I have three words: No. Fucking. Way. Why? Because there's an episode in Season 3 where The Carver screws with the anesthesia so the patient seems under, but can feel the entire procedure! And when I expressed concern about this to Tulane Chris tonight, he calmly said, "Oh. Well, that happens." WHAT?!?! Dropping your popcorn at the movies happens. Bad cell reception happens. Spotting during pregnancy happens. Being paralyzed while you feel the agonizing pain of surgery can't just happen. Christ. So big tonsils, big teeth and big booths, ahoy! I'm like a walking cubist painting.

4.) Similarly, I'm never flying again. Ever. Thanks to an incredibly graphic episode about the aftermath of a plane crash in which Mac's mom from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia gets burnt like a pop-tart and Julia has to slice her dead back flesh off to wrap around other burnt survivors who have a chance of making it and I. SAID. GOOD. DAY.

5.) Oh holy mother of godI will lock my apartment door from now on. OH MY GOD, I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S HORRIBLE! I LIVE ALONE IN THE ONCE MURDER CAPITAL OF THE UNITED STATES AND I DON'T LOCK MY DOOR! I'M SORRY! It's my dirty little secret. In fact, I think Andrew was recently like, "Did you know that X% of people in this city don't lock their doors?" and I judged them just like everybody else did, when secretly that X% is 100% ME! My mother is reading this and having a small heart attack right now somewhere. I'm sorry. It all started in college when I developed an intense phobia of locking myself out of my dorm room when I went to take a shower. You have to understand! I didn't want to prance around the dorm in my robe looking like a wet cat. THERE WERE MEN FROM TEXAS THERE. MEN FROM TEXAS.

Anyway, one day sophomore year, I went out to meet my parents for dinner and actually did remember to lock the door behind me. When I got back from dinner, the entire floor was a-buzz that somebody had broken into my room and stolen a bunch of shit. BUT GET THIS! The robber stole my roommate's laptop, TI-83 calculator and phone but didn't touch anything of mine (despite totally having shit worth stealing, thank you very much.) I was like, YES, HORNBERGER!!! And from then on, I took that as a sign that I'm invincible to break-ins; doors locked or otherwise.

So now sometimes if I'm lying in bed and see that my front door is unlocked, I'll be like, "Meh. I live in an apartment building. We have front desk security. I live on the 4th floor. Someone will hear me scream. I took kick-boxing for a semester in college. Five feet is so far. NIGHT!" roll over and go to bed.

BUT NOT ANY MORE! Because I'm like a juicy Thanksgiving turkey just sitting on the dining room table, begging to be carved. So from now on, I promise to lock my door at all times. (Oh my god, I never locked the door when I lived in Brooklyn either. Diane, I am so, so sorry.) (And I never used conditioner until I got to college and realized it was weird that I didn't. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!)

6.) I owe Anna and apology. Anna's a huge Nip/Tuck fan and she was the one always telling me how good The Carver episodes were. Well, one time we were staying in this random hostel in Bruges (because we're both white, upper middle-class and east coast college educated, so of course that sentence just happened,) and I walked past the hall bathroom and saw Anna bent over washing her face in the sink. As a goof, I snuck up, stood in the doorway behind her and stared at her in the mirror, so when she looked back up she'd see me and have a little...scare. BECAUSE THAT'S FUNNY! We were in Bruges. Well, apparently it was not funny. She looked up, saw me, literally froze in fear and said, "GAH." But like, G-A-H. GAH! It's the only noise that she could produce. It was so perfect; it was like a cartoon. I thought an anvil was going to fall on her next. I never understood why she was so pissed at me for doing that UNTIL I saw the episode where Sean is washing his face and when he looks back up in the mirror, THE CARVER is staring back at him. Jesus. I've been cleaning my face like a cat for two nights now. So Anna, I humbly apologize. But if it's any consolation, my paws hurt.

7.) I thoroughly enjoy the sound of someone putting latex gloves on and snapping them off. I realize I'm standing backwards on the slippery slope that is, "Meg has a latex fetish!", but it's just honestly an incredibly satisfying sound. There's nothing sexual about it. It's like tires driving over gravel or sassy black women snapping their gum at the post officeit just sounds good. And yes, those of you personally know me know that there's a blatant latex cat mask hanging up in my closet, but it was an ironic prop for a photo shoot. BUT NOT THAT KIND OF A PHOTO SHOOT. It was for Washingtonian magazine. But we didn't end up going with those pictures. But the photo shoot really happened, I swear. 'Ehh...It's times like these I allow myself to remember that my parent's friends read this blog and just cringe ever-so slightly.

8.) The name "Kimber" drives me up the wall. Because not to get all Andy Rooney on you, but where's the —ly? Kimber. It's just such an unsatisfying name. If I had a friend named Kimber, I'd spend our entire friendship being like, "OH, HEY KIMBER!.......ly." Kimber just feels so...unfinished. Like when you feel like you have to sneeze and then you don't. Or when you have a sex dream but can't come for the life of you, so you wake up and try to finish but you're like, well great, I'm actually not horny at all, I'm too tired to even try and it's 6:45 on a Saturday morning. That's Kimber.

9.) I should probably get out of the house?....Yeah. I should get out of the house.


Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

I feel your pain, but of course to a much lesser extent....because the very first episode of Nip/Tuck that I ever saw was the season finale with the carver and I was all like- "they made matt cut of WHA?? Is that is Sister? Ughh..." I legit had nightmares for approx 2 weeks... so enjoy those!

Anonymous said...

Not too be Debbie Downer or anything, but I used to live in a nice "high-rise" in Woodley Park on the 11th (top) floor and occasionally felt comfortable leaving my apt door unlocked from time to time. Since there was a doorman and all. That all changed when a random sketcho man came to my door at 2 AM on a saturday and started trying to kick the door in. Tried to break it down! Thank GOD I happened to have locked it that night. I have no idea how he got into the bldg or why he chose my apt, where I was living by myself, but those buildings give you a false sense of security. After I called the police that night, they later informed my doorman that they caught someone matching his description, b/c a lady woke up and found him in her bedroom....!!! So, lock. your. doors. PLEASE.

Jenna said...

I only watched two seasons of Nip/Tuck because it started to go so far off the rails I couldn't handle it, but I had very similar thoughts on Kimber. Drove me crazy. All I could think about was how Jem (the cartoon) had a sister named Kimber and how I hated that 20 years ago and come to think of it, Jem's real name was Jerrica and WTF was that all about? Kimber was a major character naming fail. But if I remember, the character was a pretty large fail herself.

KT said...

Haven't you seen the movie Awake? If not, add that to your Q. In both situations anesthesia awareness happens on purpose...but it really does happen on accident in real life. Extremely rare though.

It happened to someone I know when they had open heart surgery. No joke.

kerry a. said...

MEG. I have only read the first paragraph of this entry thus far, but I HAVE BEEN DOING THE EXACT SAME THING LATELY. And I've been thoroughly disturbed.

cassie said...

Personally, I loved all the Nip/Tuck tweets last night.

Jess said...

Ommmgee - I didn't use conditioner until I got to college either! I was all mehhh tangle free my tookus.

Laura said...

Megggles, I was just telling Max last night about how the thought of Nip/Tuck makes me puke in my mouth a little and if I had one magic wish I would totally forsake world peace and wish to forget certain images from that show. You know which images I mean...

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Matt's character is the most annoying person on that show. He's a whiny b*tch throughout.

Katie said...

Okay, the first 2 seasons of Nip/Tuck and the first 1/2 of seaosn 3 were AWESOME. The 2nd season finale is seriously one of the best hours ever on television. But I thought The Carver reveal was kind of lame and sketchy if you try to timeline-it-out, and the show went down from there. Although the season with Jaqueline Bisset is pretty good.

Francesca said...

Jesus, this post scared the shit out of me. I just started a new job as a paralegal and most of the time it's just me and my boss, who's a lawyer. This morning he happens to be in court so I am by myself in the old house our office is in. I have a terribly overactive imagination and I have never seen a single episode of this show in my life. But now I really have to pee and I don't want to leave my desk because I'm terrified. It's currently 10:40 in the morning, what is wrong with me!?

Meredith said...

Just in reading the last thing about Kimber, every time I read it, I unconsciously added a "ly" on the end, even though I knew that it didn't say that but it just sounded wrong otherwise.

Also, I've been doing the same thing on Netflix with Buffy, Angel, and Futurama.

Amanda and Christine (roommates, coworkers, bffs, etc.) said...

Duuuuuude. We, too, think that Kimber is the most ridiculous name on the planet. Lazy much?? Shit.

Kara said...

You know, I've always hated the name Kimber, however, I never once even realized that it was the ADD form of Kimberly. Thank you Meg McBlogger. Thank you.

PS that post scared the shit out of me as well and I've never seen Nip/Tuck

Anonymous said...

I feel the exact same way about the name Kimber...and I also live in DC and never lock my doors.

andrea said...

I went through a very similar thing with nip/tuck like two months ago, except I watched well into season five until I finally gave up the goat. Do yourself a favor and get out while the getting's good, don't be tempted to "find out what happens," because I'll tell you right now: The. Same. Shit. Over and over again. They just try and put a new spin on the same old tired character plotlines, oh, and shock you with ever more red colored karo syrup

allison said...

OMG I for serious JUST started watching Nip/Tuck, like, FROM THE BEGINNING. So if you're tweeting about episodes from 2006, I'm tweeting about episodes from 2004. Which is basically the same. WE'RE ALIKE, is all I'm trying to say.

Sam said...

Ugh Matt and Kimber were (past tense bc I don't watch this crazy show anymore) my least favorite characters too! I won't spoil a later development in the series for you, but basically they were meant for each other. Matt seriously needed to do something with his eyebrows and/or the intense, red color of his lips. I saw pictures of the actor who played him when the show wasn't filming and he looked much less like someone you and your friends would affectionately call "bitch tits" but still had some facial hair and lip color issues.

When I lived in DC last year (in Cleveland Park, which doesn't really count), my door automatically locked behind me so it gave me this irrational fear of being locked out of my apartment. So, now I get all OCD whenever I leave my house and I have to check that I have my keys a babillion times before I walk out the door.

Denise said...

I started nip/tuck last week and I'm only about half way through season 2 so I'll wait a bit to read this post... I have one thing to add: Matt looks like michael Jackson, not Christian. There, I said it. I'm also wondering who gave that freaky kid his hair cut? It looks like a grown out mohawk/more pathetic version of a mullett, just saying.

Unknown said...

Matt looks like Michael Jackson! I was always so baffled that someone actually cast him on that show.

On a side note, I was almost in tears from laughing so hard when reading the section on sneaking up behind someone so they see you in the mirror when they look up. I always kind of half-look up to prepare myself in case there's someone there!

LazyMac said...

First of all Meg, I love you and your blog! Secondly, I also either need to or have had all 3 of those surgeries. The wisdom teeth removal was not bad at all.. especially w lotsssa hydros after : ) I was up and walking around that day. When I went in for my breast reduction, I was super nervous b/c I never had surgery before and they said they would give me something to make me "not nervous." Lordy did it work! All I could think when then wheeled me in to surgery was "I feel FUCKING awesome and where can I get more of this?!" And the recovery wasn't bad either b/c like I said before, when lots of wonderful hydrocodone is involved, recovery is a piece of cake. I need to have my tonsils removed but ehh.. that one can wait b/c after having the first two surgeries, I am broke as a freakin joke. But if you need the breast reduction, I highly recommend sucking it up (or out rather) because it does wonders for your back, and swimsuit collection.

kerry a. said...

Matt = The secret lovechild of Michael Jackson & Bjork.

Sarah Elizabeth said...

I've never seen Nip/Tuck, but after reading these comments I had to google image search "matt nip tuck"....a picture of Michael Jackson showed up. Swear to God.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised at the amount of people who either know someone named kimber or have heard of it as a persons name. All I can think of is the gun manufacturer..

Jen said...

Uhhhh Meggles...not sure if your state allows you to shoot and kill someone on your property, but if not....you need to lock the door!

annnnnd watch this. it is only, like, 2 minutes!


mandy said...

DENISE YOU ARE SO RIGHT - Matt is the true child of Michael jackson!!!!!!!! my boyfriend and I are constantly creeped out by his girlyness and his overall lack of manlyness in his relationships. He constantly becomes whatever his gfs are - nazi, scientologist.. cant wait to see what he transforms into next - just like MJ wow!!! haahah

nicole said...

I got my tonsils out a few years ago and letme tell you it was the WORST. THING. EVER! two solid weeks of pain, no food, no sleep and the medication wearing off and me not being able to yell at my parents to bring me some more!! Granted, I'm not sick every toher day now and I can actually make it throught the winter without spending half of it in bed with a 102 fever and gagging cuz my tonsils are swollen and they're touching...but still. ouch!

CW said...

I work with someone named Kimbly is that better or worse than Kimber?

Dan Pearce said...

Haha, awesome post. I think I'll go download a few episodes and see if it's as good as you say it is.

Best line of the blog: getting an eyebrow piercing at 24 because I had feelings. LOL.

Single Dad Laughing

katie said...

I'm fully aware that this comment has nothing to do with nip/tuck but i've been thinking about this since sunday and i finally got around to commenting...

anyhow, i was having my typical sunday of cheez-its and WE channels "Wedding Sunday". New favorite is My Fair Wedding by the way. It's amazing. But my soon to be new best friend David Tutera got these bridesmaids dresses from this place in LA called TwoBirds and i automatically thought to myself that they must read your blog to come up with that name.

okay, i'm done with the rant. thanks!

Golden said...

Nip/Tuck has probably the most UNlikeable characters of any show I've ever watched. I watched every season back to back while completing craft projects this summer (cause god knows I couldn't find a job with only 2 months off of grad school). Towards the middle of the 5th season I thought JESUS are they all just going to be whiny bitches forever!? Also, I sort of wished Julia would die. That weird thing she does with her eyes and mouth when she's mad, like a pissed off but also surprised fish, is sooo annoying.

Unknown said...

MEGGLES MCGREGGLES! i miss thee! you DID make me say GAH in a noncomical fashion, and i need to email you soon! lots of love! korean ang <3

Anonymous said...

I'm new to this blog, and thoroughly entertained. A general suggestion, if I may. A cast of characters in the sidebar would be extremely helpful. I've got you figured out, Meg, thanks to the useful "Meg blogs in red" bit along the side. Also you refer to yourself in the third person rather often. But that's as far as I've managed to get. Tulane Chris doesn't seem to blog at all, or not in green, or I'm colorblind. Some other colors and characters seem to come up regularly, and I'm curious who/what they are, and which bird and such. I could just read through ALL the old entries, but I doubt you want to sentence me to that.


Anonymous said...

I just found your blog, and this was fucking awesome. Also, made me do a google images search for "nip tuck plane crash victim" which pulled a picture of Mario Lopez in lingerie.

I don't know how to feel about it.

But I like the blog.

Mingari said...

so...about 4 hours ago I decided that since sleep was negotiable at that point, I would start reading a new blog. and here we are. I have opted to pretty much read every post in existence because, my friend, you are one funny bitch. and I don't know why because I don't even watch nip/tuck, but this post essentially had me convulsing with laughter. you have a new fan. you are great. my sentence structure is dwindling so I should probably stop reading your blog and start sleeping, but I digress. thanks for the laughs!

hwrestlinguy said...

I don't know if you still use this blog, but if you do I wanna say I love this entire article! I've been balls deep in Nip/Tuck for about a week now, maybe a little more. It's pretty serious. I'm on season 5 and they highlighted Matt's dickheaded choices when it comes to pretty much everything and I thought, "God, I actually hate this character." I wanted to see if I wasn't alone and Google'd "Mat nip tuck annoying" and came across your page. I love it, hate that I'm so late.

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