8.17.2010

LOL FAT

Before I get into today’s post about weight gain, I need to talk about Meg and Dad. It’s heated up. They are now sending messages to each other via me, under the guise of congratulating me on my last post.

From: Dad

To: Tulane Chris

Good post today! Do you have Meg’s number?

I forwarded this to Meg, who replied within the hour:

From: Meg

To: Tulane Chris

301-xxx-xxxx. 38DD.

So… yeah. I have a new mommy. She’s several months younger than me, she’s my employer, and I totally made out with her at a party in 2006. And here I was afraid it would be awkward.

So, I’ve had the seed of this post germinating for a while now. In a “State of the Chris” post I began a few weeks ago and abandoned, I had this to say:

“So… I haven’t gotten fat, quite, but if fat was New Orleans, I would be driving through Baton Rouge at eighty miles an hour, windows down, chain smoking, with fast food wrappers blowing around my feet like autumn foliage.”

Granted, considering the native cuisine fat essentially is New Orleans, but let’s move on. Here are the reasons I’ve nailed down for why I’ve gained weight:

1) Eating and drinking are wonderful.

2) I don’t really believe they make you fat.

Someone once wrote of New Orleans that it was notable because everyone there discusses, over lunch, what they had for breakfast and what they planned to have for dinner. I talk a lot about drinking and fucking in this blog because they’re traditionally the funny vices – I like gambling, smoking, swearing, and lying in bed all day too, but they don’t really lend themselves to as many one-liners. Eating, though… oh my God. Best vice ever. There may be something I like better in the world – I’ve never actually held my firstborn child or looked down on earth from space and let the wonder of it all wash over me – but a quarter-century’s gone by and I haven’t found it.

So, of course, I don’t really believe that meat, beer, and pastry –my friends – make people fat. I objectively know it’s true the way you know the answers to trivia questions or crossword puzzle clues, but I don’t feel it. It’s just a fact: Natalie Schaeffer played the Millionaire’s Wife on Gilligan’s Island, Winnipeg is the capital of Manitoba, and food makes you fat. I don’t believe it the way I believe in psychics or the Chupacabra. I react to food actually, demonstrably making me fat the way a staunch atheist would react to suffering biblical plagues. I know it’s how other people live their lives, but it’s not supposed to happen to me.

I’ve also never had to worry about my weight before. I was a small child, and when I was in high school, I was so thin people used to come up to me and ask me if I was anorexic. Strangers. Why do strangers think they’re entitled to have an opinion about my life? Now I would have a snappy comeback (well, okay, I’d tell them to go fuck themselves, but it’s better than nothing) but as a timid fifteen-year-old I was too uncomfortable to do much of anything except mumble – which is, of course, what they expected.

Well, shit, though. I had to go up a pant size last time I went to Target (if I ever get a celebrity endorsement, it will be Mossimo jeans) so I need to either

Lose a little weight, or

Become a shut-in, balloon up to 650 pounds, and eventually be buried in a piano case

Initially, I like the shut-in idea (so much privacy!) but then I realized shut-ins probably have to deal with a lot of social worker visits.

“How are we feeling today?”

“Well, we’re still a 650-pound shut-in forced to deal with eager do-gooders.”

So, I decided I had to just bite the bullet and lose five pounds (four times.) But how? I could eat less… or I could shoot myself. I could drink less… or I could shoot myself. I could shoot myself… but we’re planning a party for Larry Hagman’s birthday, so I couldn’t do it until late September at the earliest. So I’m left with exercising and eating healthier, which is probably wise. Apparently, it’s not considered a vegetable sandwich if you use skirt steak in lieu of bread. So with this in mind, I went to the grocery store this afternoon with the best of intentions. I was going to buy delicate, ladylike foods that take more calories to force down than they provide. Watercress, bran flakes, and so forth.

Armed with these good intentions, I walked through the door and immediately saw Crunch muffins. Muffins with shattered pieces of Nestle crunch bars in them. Candy in pastry. The development we’ve (I’ve) been waiting for since BIRTH. I managed to drag myself past them, using my right hand to keep my left hand from picking them up a la Evil Dead 2, and just as I got away…

“Meat Markdown Madness.” That’s the event they have at the grocery store the day I start the first diet of my life. All flesh, all inexpensive, for a limited time only. Meat. Markdown. Madness. There’s not a word in there I don’t like. IF anything were to drive me insane with joy, it would be cheap meat.

So, the hell with it. I cracked. Who wouldn’t have? To hell with celery-flavored diet yogurt, I bought meat. So much meat. Wonderful, beautiful, delicious, alive with flavor meat. Huge chunks of animals now sit in my freezer, and I sit here as I was meant to be, fat and sassy. My arteries and my bowels may race each other to see who can clog, burst, and kill me first, but I’ll be happy while I wait.

Spellcheck lols: I mistyped “lunchtime as “luchtime,” which the computer assumed was meant to be “lutetium.” <---- That, right there, is probably the only time anyone has ever typed “lutetium” in a word document.

Photobucket

23 comments:

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Great post, sweetheart.

Now go clean your room and get mommy a glass of Pinot.

xoxo

JamaLee said...

"Eating, though… oh my God. Best vice ever. There may be something I like better in the world – I’ve never actually held my firstborn child or looked down on earth from space and let the wonder of it all wash over me – but a quarter-century’s gone by and I haven’t found it."

This sums up my entire life.

Once again, brilliant post.

yeahdudetotally said...

it would suck for a gay dude if you couldn't see your dick when you were jerking off.

right?

awesome geographic analogy, also.

Meredith said...

I have an unhealthy (or perhaps EXTREMELY healthy) obsession with Bran Flakes. It's the only healthy thing I eat willingly and when I went on a serious diet in college, I ate them three meals a day and loved every minute of it. There's something wrong with me.

Angie said...

Meredith--
I, too, have an unnatural love of Bran flakes. People think I'm crazy, but a bowl of bran flakes with banana, strawberry and milk is nothing short of a miracle in a bowl.

It also helps me to take away Pizza Shame the next morning.

Anonymous said...

Meredith and Angie--

Were you two EVER constipated? I mean jesus...I feel like I eat one bowl of cereal and I'm clogged for a week. 3 Bran Flake meals a day? Yep, in my mind that is one uncomfortable bowel situation.

But good for you, healthier than I am...

Anonymous said...

hey anon, bran flakes are supposed to do the opposite. it's...bran.

Anonymous said...

this post made me uncomfortable

charlie said...

what prick bothers to make a comment about this post making them "uncomfortable" only to round off their douschey-ness with writing it anonymously? christ. you don't deserve to read this blog.

and yes, i really just got somewhat emotional defending tulane chris. and i've never fucking met the guy.

for the record, it was hee-larious :) (<-see that smiley? makes me seem like less of a huge bitch, no?)

Anonymous said...

tulane chris, you just get better and better. i'm starting my sophomore year in college, and i'm going through the same thing haha: keep drinking and eating ice cream (aka living the good life) or diet? It's such a hard decision!!

Stephanie said...

Me and Meg are bra twins. F yeah.

Anonymous said...

1. The story of the mysterious Meg/TC make out MUST. BE. TOLD.

Like now, preferably.

2. Meg - "mama needs a juice box"

M

Kirsten (Results Not Typical Girl) said...

I didn't realize shooting yourself could help you lose weight. You are freaking brilliant! I am headed over to my weight-watchers site to see how many activity points I get for gun shots! WOOT! :)

Caitlin said...

I can so relate to this.

I recently decided to eat healthier and was doing swell, then I got a new job at a place that gives me like two free hoagies a day.

Free hoagies.

EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

When someone shoves an Italian loaf in my face covered in Prosciutto, cheese, oil and vinegar, and other scrumptious items, FOR FREE, I can't bring myself to turn that down.

So I guess I'm fucked, unless a gym gives me a free membership and bribes me to work out by offering filet mignon upon completion.

TC, maybe if we make a pact to each other we can do this.

(But probably not)

Bridget said...

I thought for sure the vegans were gonna have a field day on this one, no?

Single Dad Laughing said...

Haha, whether you think it'll make you fat or you don't, you're right.

So keep believing.

Single Dad Laughing

Anonymous said...

Is Bigfoot Genuine or fake? For over four hundred many years, there have been reporting’s of a man like beast that may be utterly covered in hair.
[url=http://www.is-bigfoot-real.com/]bigfoot sightings[/url]

Buying Viagra said...

So many blogs about weight loss and this is about weight gain, so interesting.

Moore Anderson said...

£1000 payday loan no credit check are absolutely free from any kind of credit check. In general, all those who had been hesitant to apply for a bad credit loan scheme.

1500 pound installment payday loans
1000 approval payday loans no credit check
50 pound loan now
100 approval payday loans no credit check

Moore Anderson said...

instant 150 pound loans,Mostly job persons are the usual victims who face monetary crunches in their life time to time. If you have rainy days money in hand, then you can moderate these crises very easily. For further information about loans please visit us:-
http://www.1000poundstillpaydayuk.co.uk/150-pound-payday-loans.html

karl simpsons said...

12 month payday advance loans,Have you ever wondered where you can get some money as you are in need of sum? Sometimes, you may need some amount of money as an emergency and this time you cannot wait as expenses are so vital. For further information about loans please visit us:-
http://www.12monthloansdirectlendersuk.co.uk/12-month-payday-loans.html

John said...

uggs on sale
kevin durant shoes 2015
uggs boots for men
cheap uggs
michael kors outlet
ugg sale
giuseppe zanotti
true religion outlet
uggs on sale
gucci outlet
toms outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
ralph lauren outlet
michael kors outlet clearance
coach factory outlet online
cheap oakley sunglasses
coach outlet
ray-ban sunglasses
ugg boots
michael kors outlet clearance
ugg boots for women
michael kors bags
ralph lauren
ugg boots
tory burch shoes
coach outlet store online
hollister clothing store
louboutin femme
longchamp handbags
ralph lauren outlet
louis vuitton purses
official coach factory outlet
polo outlet
air force 1
louis vuitton purses
louis vuitton outlet stores
uggs boots for women
retro 11
2016113yuanyuan

Meiqing Xu said...

michael kors outlet store
yeezy boost 350 black
mcm outlet
louis vuitton handbags outlet
fitflops sale
jimmy choo outlet store
ugg boots outlet
ugg boots
levis 501
coach outlet online
ugg outlet
coach factory outlet
nike free flyknit
christian louboutin
michael kors outlet clearance
fitflops shoes
michael kors outlet
oakley sunglasses
yeezy boost 350
uggs
ugg boots
air max 90
gucci borse
hollister clothing
mont blanc pens
oakley sunglasses
polo ralph lauren
michael kors outlet
cheap uggs
dolce and gabbana outlet
nike free flyknit
coach outlet
babyliss flat iron
converse shoes
fitflops outlet
zhuo20160826

 
Clicky Web Analytics