8.03.2010

Whose Powers Are Greater?

The Countess and the Cocksucker:


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AUGUSTA ADA BYRON KING, COUNTESS OF LOVELACE

vs.

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LINDA SUSAN BOREMAN, a.k.a. LINDA LOVELACE

In this inaugural edition of Whose Powers Are Greater?, we examine an age-old question. Who has done more for Western civilization: a woman who was arguably the first computer programmer, or a woman who sucked a whole mess of cocks on film? Let's match 'em up.

The Case for/against Ada Lovelace:

- Lord Byron's only legitimate child, so her mother was foxy enough to at least briefly distract him from a succession of Mediterranean teenage boys (+2 points)

- First person to write a "program," manipulating symbols according to rules, for Charles Babbage's analytical engine. She also foresaw the use of such machines beyond mere computational mathematics, which few did at the time. (+8)

- She was a countess, which was probably kind of fun (+3)

- She has an asteroid, a computer programming language, and an award for female programmers named after her (+6, +1, +1)

- Died before motion picture and was apparently reasonably discreet, so her sexual exploits went to the grave with her (0 points)

The case for/against Linda Lovelace:

- Was in
Deep Throat, one of the most famous pornographic films ever, and one of the first "mainstream" porns to feature heterosexual anal sex (+10)

- Was in
Deep Throat, which is about a migrating clitoris and in which she has sex with a man who looks like Dr. Mario (-1)

- Was in
Deep Throat, which contains a carousel orgasm montage (+2)

- Was in
Deep Throat 2, which was rated R (-2)

- Was in
Linda Lovelace for President, a zainy comedy romp in which she played herself...running for president (+3, just for the concept)

- Was in
Dogfucker (-40)

- Became an anti-pornography activist (-8)

The Verdict: Ada Lovelace. She was a countess who invented computer programming and has her own asteroid. Linda Lovelace fucked a dog, sucked some dick, and changed her mind. Granted, she has claimed that she was forced into the porn industry by an abusive boyfriend, but she was unable to give any proofand
Dogfucker predates Deep Throat by a couple of years. The final point in the countess's favor: Linda Lovelace did nothing to further computer programming, but by being the first computer programmer, Ada Lovelace paved the way for internet pornography, making everyone's life much, much better, and ultimately overshadowing the film pornography in which Linda Lovelace made her name. 500 bonus points and a crushing victory for Ada Lovelace.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

Uhhhh...

Anonymous said...

Well that was a classic example of not knowing your audience....

Marley said...

Ya'll need to chill out. Chris, I don't normally post comments, but I'm going to tell you that this post was awesome, and you should keep up the good work. Haters gon' hate, sheesh.

cassie said...

I liked it. I'm looking forward to seeing where this feature goes.

Anonymous said...

random and hilarious. i believe he DOES know his audience. i like it!

Jules said...

Though of course they would both be thoroughly spanked by THIS Lovelace:

http://www.happyfeet.cc/wallpapers/lovelace_wall_1280.jpg

Lex said...

LOVELACE!!!

Laylapalooza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Loved it!

Could we possibly have a follow up on how each relates to Lindsay Lohan?

Erin said...

considering I didn't know either of these ladies before reading this post, I still loved it.

A million times better than that netflix thing about the movie I hadn't heard of before the post.

Can we have a weekly Real Housewives of DC recap?????????????

Laura said...

I thoroughly enjoyed that. I'm all for this feature! Nice work, TC!

austin said...

I also think it's worth noting that Linda Lovelace contracted hepatitis through a BLOOD TRANSFUSION. Not sex. A blood transfusion. 5,250 points have just been deducted from Linda's already negative score for such an epic porn fail.

Nice post, TC. I'm all about powers.

Anonymous said...

ehhhhhh

Ada Jr. said...

As a lady computer programmer, I agree that Ada should have won! Also now you leave me with questioning the logistics of Dogfucker...

Anonymous said...

What was that other than not funny?

Anonymous said...

I'll bet 5,000 points that both negative Anonymous posts are Kevin Yang. People, whether it's a good post or not, no one cares if you like it or not. Geez.

That Kind of Girl said...

Goddamn you, Tulane Chris! All these AMAZING LINES TO QUOTE and only one gchat account on which to quote them.

This post ejaculated sheer, unadulterated awesome all over my friggin' face.

Anonymous said...

shark jumping much?

Elliot said...

Okay, I really liked most of this post and I generally like Chris. But honestly, as a porn-loving dude, that little tangent into "LOL FUNNY STUFF oh and also she may have been abused and forced into doing stuff against her will LULZ" made me kind of uncomfortable. I'm not generally joke-squeamish at all, but, yeah.

I know I'm gonna get flamed for being negative at all, but hoping Chris and Meg just take it as constructive feedback.

Jessica Ellis said...

Randomly awesome, Chris. Reminds me of the posts you used to do before you were the official co-blogger. I always loved those. And no, that is not a backhanded compliment. I love your more recent posts as well.

Anonymous hater commenters - Any attempt at legit criticism loses all credibility when you post as Anonymous. If you're gonna hate, don't be a pussy about it.

Melody said...

Elliot, I agree with you. I thought the post was knocking it out of the park until the whole "forced into porn bit." Not as funny. As for Dogfucker... *shudder*

Stela James said...

Thanks for sharing.

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Ariane said...

hahahahah that was great!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

WTF guys you have been really sucking recently. (no lovelace punn intended)

Anonymous said...

Better than no post Wednesday. Features are cool, but why scrounge for the funny when you know how much we love a good recap?? Second the real housewives of DC idea.

BriMarie said...

this blog makes me laugh on a daily basis. and for all the whiners out there - WHY ARE YOU READING?! if you're doing to whine about it, go find a better blog. oh wait, there isn't one.

ditto on the DC housewives recap - DO IT

Lisa said...

That Kind of Girl-

"This post ejaculated sheer, unadulterated awesome all over my friggin' face."

Love it! Well said!!

Anonymous said...

man, the season premier of Rachel Zoe was last night. if only I could find a funny blog to do a recap of it..

Jennifer said...

Oh my FUCKING GAWD you anons are soooo annoying. Write your own blog. 2b1b is not fucking BURGER KING. You CANNOT have it your way. Fuck!

Emz321 said...

I loved this, very funny!

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