10.01.2010

Hey, who loves you, baby?

Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to you this week?

Ugh, I don't want to talk about it.

Let me guesssomething incredibly minor happened and you completely went off the deep end because you're about as stable as a fat man on a Knex roller coaster?

Ugh, I don't want to talk about it.

Well, on another note, how would you describe your trip tonightin the rainto get a delicious Subway sub for dinner?

Uh, FRUITLESS.

Why?

Because the Obamas felt the need to be "one of the people" and go to Pizza Paradiso for dinner, so they shut down that entire block, including, but not limited to my delicious neighborhood Subway.

Which makes President Obama...?

A Socialist and an executive Sandwich Cockblock.

What did you eat for dinner instead?

Ugh, I don't want to talk about it.

What do you want to talk about, Meg?

Camping! Because I'm going camping this weekend! Which is exciting, because I love camping! I hate telling people that I love camping though because every time I do, no matter who I'm telling or how well they know me, their response is always, "What?? You like camping??" Yes, I like camping. And then they make this little, "hmpf!" face, that so clearly communities, "but you're so lazy and high maintenance!" OK. Yes. I'll admit that I'm not the most "active" or "outdoorsy" person in the word, but I feel like if you know me, you should be able to piece together that I would like camping. Because when you really think about it, camping encompasses all of my favorite things:

1.) Sleeping bags. Dedicated readers will remember that the most comfortable situation I can possibly think of is a sleeping bag on a hammock, or a slammock if you will. (PATENT PENDING!) I jump at any and every opportunity to sleep in a sleeping bag, camping included. (PS: Becca I need to borrow your sleeping bag this weekend in addition to your tent. Wink!)

2.) GHOST STORIES!!!!!!!!1 I'm totally bringing my Book of Southern Ghost Stories and am absolutely getting drunk and reading aloud in a southern accent very much inspired by Blanche Devereaux.

3.) Outdoor drinking. Which places pretty damn high on my List of Top-10 Favorite Drinking Situations.

Meg's List of Top-10 Favorite Drinking Situations:
1.) Hot tub drinking (day or night)
2.) Airport drinking
3.) Outdoor drinking (non aquatic)
4.) Pool drinking (night)
5.) Pool drinking (day)
6.) Day drinkingFederal holiday
7.) Day drinkingsporting event
8.) Day drinkingafternoon screwdrivers & confetti cake with Alex (perhaps the best tradition known to man?)
9.) Via bucket
10.) Ren Fest drinking

I don't think I have a problem; I think I have 10 solutions.

4.) Pokin' at a fire with a stick. Because much like kickin' rocks in a parking lot, it's rull country, and rull fun.

5.) S'mores

6.) The cheap trill of pouring gasoline on a fire

7.) Cold weather


9.) The word "spicket"

10.) Being too scared to fall asleep because Prom Date Billy convinced me to watch Wrong Turn in December 2002 and despite being a god awful movie, life hasn't been the same since

11.) I feel like everyone is forgetting that I stuck with Girl Scouts through cadet level. As long as I'm not running a relay race or playing a competitive sport or some shit, I'm OK with nature, thank you.

So, yes, I love camping. And it offends me people when assume otherwise. Like, oh I don't know, my sister and her fiance who went camping pretty much every single weekend last fall and never invited me. Every Monday, we'd have the same conversation:

Meg: What you do this weekend.

Becca: Oh, a bunch of us went camping in Virginia.

M: WHAT?? I love camping! Why didn't you invite me?!

B: What? You like camping?

M: Yes!

B: Oh! I didn't know that. That's really surprising. You just don't really seem like...the camping type.

M: Well, I am!

B: OK, we'll invite you next time.

One week later...

M: What'd you do this weekend?

B: Oh, Geoff and I went camping with a bunch of his friends from college in Maryland. It was beautiful.

M: OH, COME ON!!!

Wash, rinse, repeat. And then the one time I did get an invite, it was to like, a sensual couples weekend at a house in Deep Creek Lake. Which I obviously turned down because I had this sad, sad mental image of my sister and her couple friends sitting down to a nice home-cooked meal and me dressed in scrappy overalls, a-rappin' outside on the window all, "Y'ALL GOT ANY LEFTOVER FISH? I SURE WOULDN'T HATE IT IF YOU DUN TOSS SOME MY WAY, I WOULDS'N, I WOULDS'N! I GOT THE HUNGER LIKE SOMETHING FIERCE!" I don't really know why I'm Huckleberry Finn in this little scenario, but I am. I think that's just how I imagine the exaggerated version of my single self: barefoot, one strap of my worn overalls carelessly undone and tossed behind me, suckin' on a piece of straw, just lazily nappin' on the Mississip, escaping Pap, freein' slaves. It's a life.

My entire point being, I'm incredibly excited to ring in the best month of the year, during the best season of the year, doing one of my favorite thingscamping. I feel like it's exactly what I need to recharge my batteries and get my head right. Right? Right. Good friends, fresh air, crickets, hoot owls, ghost stories, wetting my sleeping bag, drinking too much and puking on an ant hill...getting back to my core. Let's kick this weekend off on a good note, shall we?

Photobucket

As of 3:24am on October 1, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And Greg Giraldo, while I'm incredibly sad about your recent passing, GOD FORBID Mr. Hagman fall into your Rule of Three pledge class, sir. GOD. FOR. BID.

But I can't think about that possibility now. Not when there's "Jersey Shore" to recap!

Before I get to this week's recap, I should mention that the amount of reality show geeking-out that happened last weekend in Miami was downright embarrassing. We drove past the "Jersey Shore" gelato stand en route to our hotel and upon seeing it, Rachel and I screamed and physically clung to each other for emotional and physical support. Pretty much the same thing happened when we saw DASH, Miami Ink, Skinny Girl margarita mix (which was surprisingly good) (although when we bought it, the woman at the liquor store who rang us up passionately shouted, "BETHENNY FRANKEL IS A FUCKING CUNT", which was both shocking and unexpected), and BED. I always roll my eyes when people get their picture taken outside of Georgetown Cupcake, but after last weekend...I guess I get it. And god damn do I hate myself for it.

Blanyhow, this week's "Jersey Shore" was interesting because I found myself relating to the cast members waaaay more than I'd like to. I guess that's when you know your life has really gone to seed; when you look at America's foremost Guidos and think, "I KNOW, RIGHT??"

When we un-freeze last week's closing freeze frame, Angelina follows through with what she started and punches The Situation square in the mouth. Truthfully, I forget why. Nope, wait, it had something to do with a sanitary napkin, didn't it? (Side note: I genuinely can't tell if "sanitary napkin" is my favorite or least favorite phrase ever...? I've got some soul-searching to do.) I realize I could simply just go to my own blog and read about it, but it's oddly hot in my apartment and there are only so many hours I can spend on 2birds1blog.com re-reading my writing in front of a mirror and pleasuring myself, you know? Right. So yes, Angelina punches The Situation in the face and he isn't too "thrilled" about it. They kind of go back and forth like they do all season. He calls her fat. She calls him old (and I'm sorry, but she's not wrong...). He calls her a whore. She calls him ugly. And throughout all of that bickering, you can't help but think they're actually into each other. It's very Guys and Dolls of them. Which is interesting because every time I see Angelina, I get "Horse Right Here" stuck in my head, but up until now I never knew why. Can do. Can do. This jerk off says the horse can do. (And by the way, I am in no way above devoting all of my time from here on out to writing a Guido cover of Guys and Dolls called, Grundles and Grenades, and don't you dare think otherwise.)

I think the most amazing part of the entire Situation vs. Ang scene is that the random guy Angelina picked up at the beach earlier in the day is just kind of chilling against a wall, watching it all play out. Because how much would you love to be that guy? Just watching a live action "Jersey Shore" episode? Finally Pauly D is like, "who the fuck is this kid? You need to go now." Angelina asks for his number before he leaves and he's all, "yyyyeahh, it's 555-three four two nine monkey fart fart..." and walks out. That kid lived the dream for 10 minutes. And good for him.

In a very uncharacteristic move, J-WOWW (who I'm sorry, but is it just me or did she look like she just stepped out of the shower for 99.9% of this episode? Was her hair wet or not? I'd really love an answer.) tells Ang that she hit The Situation last year and she knows he can be irritating, but she shouldn't leave the house over it. Because that's an issue, by the way. Angelina can't decide if she should go home or not. And I know it seems stupid because there's only two weeks left in the house, but I get it. I broke my lease in New York with two weeks left. I've been there. Sometimes if you're in a really shitty situation, two weeks can seem like an eternity. What? I don't know. I'm relating to Angelina. I'm scared. I just threw a tampon out the window. Things are touch and go. Hold me.

You know what else is touch and go? The amount of absurd signing that happens in this episode. The boys in the house just...sing. In goofy voices. About t-shirts and wake up calls. They make up little theme songs for everything. And again, I'd like to find this irritating, but I just get it. When I was traveling abroad, I got into this routine where every single afternoon around 3ish, I'd unintentionally say something really asinine. Just some dumb shit that made everyone feel uncomfortable and really had nothing to do with anything and afterward I'd have to be like, "I'm sorry, I have no idea why I just said that. I hope we can move on as a people." But after a while, instead of apologizing, I'd sing this little theme song I created instead. I'd say my dumb shit for the day, there would be an awkward pause, and then I'd insert (to the tune of the "Can't Get Enough of Those Sugar Crisps" jingle) (or conversely, "Guess I Forgot to Put the Fog Lights In") "ASININE COMMENT OF THE AFTERRRRRNOOOOOON!" which caught on like gangbusters. Sometimes I'd switch it up and it would be my "ASININE COMMENT OF THE EARLY EVENINNNNNGGG!" I don't mean to speak for an entire group (especially when it's about me being irritating,) but I think we all looked forward to my Asinine Comment of the Afternoon, mostly because it was fun to sing that jingle. It was like tea time. Except less filling and a lot more irritating.

Before the gang heads to the clerb that night, Samantha, of failed to have John-sex with The Situation, got lost, and left her number taped to the front door fame, comes over to the house to pre-game and The Situation is outright like, "you're sleeping over tonight and I'm going to bang you, so let's pick out your PJ's now, K? K." And then they do. And she does. And she's a moaner. And she stays to eat an egg sandwich with the guys in the morning. I mean, say what you will about The Situation, but I respect the hell out of that. I was literally just talking about how I wish it were socially acceptable to text a guy and be like, "look, are we going to hook up tonight or not? Because I need to know how far up my leg to shave and if we're not going to hook up at all, I'd like to utilize that shaving time to take a nap or watch the end of this "Made" episode instead, because now I'm emotionally invested and want to see how this kid's dance battle goes. Kthnx." So hats off to The Situation. You, sir, are an innovator.

After The Situation puts his latest conquest in a cab and sends her home, he heads back to his room where, much to his chagrin, he discovers that Angelina and her platonic boyfriend, Jose, have spent the night in his bed without asking. And ooof, he is pissed. And rightfully so, frankly. One night Angelina's punching him in the face and the next she's shacking up in his bed without asking? Uncool. And all The Situation wants from Ang is an apology. Too bad it'll be a cold day in hell before old Cuntylocks apologizes. Why? Because she doesn't care, you guys. She thinks everyone in the house is fake and she doesn't care what they think of her and yeah, maybe she left a rogue sandwich rotting in their car and yeah, she laid a few eggs all over the communal bathroom, but whatever, OK? She doesn't care. She's living her life and you can just forget about an apology. And then she cries and cries and cries because she's the victim. HA HA, things that make sense. Or not at all, depending on how sane you are.

But Angelina's not the only one who's got it rough this episode; our girl Snooki is down in the dumps too because she can't find a proper Guido Juice Head to save her life. I mean, is finding a Gorilla Juice Head with her personality and style who isn't a cheater too much to ask for? I say no. Thus, she makes a list of all of the characteristics she's looking for in a guy (which hand-to-god includes, "frolics" and "is a nympho"...so pretty much any given gay man in Miami on mescaline at that particular moment) and takes it out to the clerb with her that night to see who fits the bill. And guess who doesn't match up, but will do in a pinch? Alex, one of Angelina's ex flings, who Snooki harasses into making out with her all night at Tantra. OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!

Angelina isn't at the club to witness this, however, because she's at home packing. Yep, she's officially decided to leave the house FOR REALZ, FOR REALZ. But first she's going to wait until everyone stumbles home drunk so she can say goodbye. Because that's an excellent idea. Unfortunately that touching goodbye is cut short when she sees that Snooki brought home her ex-fling, Alex. Ang berates Alex for hooking up with someone as fake as Snooki, a (slurring, wobbling hot mess of a) Snooki yells at Angelina for always getting with her sloppy seconds, ESCALATE ESCALATE ESCALATE, they get into two rolling, hair-pulling, scratching brawls.

Snooki vs. Angelina is by far my all-time favorite "Jersey Shore" fight ever. For so, so many reasons. I think primarily because Snooki is juuuuuust barely conscious throughout all of it. Which is kind of impressive, when you really think about it. I'm barely in charge of my person enough to change into pajamas at that level of drunk/about to pass out, nevertheless able to hold my own in two back-to-back physical fights. Good for her. Also, I love how everyone in the house just watches and giggles and in no way tries to break it up. It's like they know that neither of them is really a danger to the other, and it's just flat-out entertaining, so why stop it? The Situation even pulls the coffee table out of the way because he quote, "doesn't want anything to happen to it." I think my favorite part of either fight, however, is when Snooki sloshes her way over to the coffee table, picks up an ornamental glass bulb filled with sand and seashells and kind of Kenny Ortega half-speed pulls back like she's about to throw it, and Ronnie calmly walks over, takes it out of her hand and bows out so the fight can continue. I don't know why that part was so fucking funny to me, but it really was. I think mostly because you get the vibe that he wasn't actually afraid it would hurt Angelina, but more-so afraid that his favorite accent piece in the house was about to get destroyed. Like if you could hear his inner monologue as he walks over, it would be, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Not that! Not that! [Takes bulb away] Theeeeere you go. Knock yourself out." I just love this show so much. I know it's over-saturated and kind of played and blah blah blah, but I just love it so, so much. Always have, always will. Sigh.

After the fight, Angelina leaves, the house rejoices and Vinny sets his sights on moving into The Situation and Pauly D's room.

FIN!


Thank you so much for bearing with us this week while we struggled with some personal issues. I'm back for goodsies. Why? Because you'll never get rid of me. Muaha. In the mean time, send good energy to Chris who's back home in Texas dealing with some incredibly hard shit right now. We appreciate your continued love and support and understanding that sometimes it's just hard to be funny. Unless you never think we're funny. In which case, I guess it's always hard for us to be funny. But sometimes it's harder than others. Like right now, for example. Because I'm rambling. OK, have a great weekend, see you Monday (when we announce our new giveaway and publish a universal thank you gift! Is it a scanned picture? From the late 90's? Of someone who's name rhymes with Schmeg SchmickFlogger? Hmm...who knows?), we love you guys a lot. L8R.

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey I hope everything's okay with you both-great post as always.

Anonymous said...

http://www.junglehammock.com/

I'm not sure, but I think your hammock/sleeping bag has sort of already been invented.

Hammock tents are the best way to go camping EVER.

Kerri said...

Ah! I am always running around the office singing songs from Guys & Dolls - as it happens to be my favorite musical (and I may have been a gleek in high school).. I appreciated the G&D shoutouts.

Nathan nathan nathan

In all seriousness, hope things are okay. We lurrb ya'll

Mayle said...

Smart move counsel, smart move.

Love the post, as usual! :)

yucca said...

"spicket"? do you mean a "spigot"?

Anonymous said...

Today's mission - work "Cuntylocks" into a conversation... Genius.

Sending good karma your way!

Francesca said...

Cuntylocks! Hilarious! A delightful post, hope everything is feelings-free for you both soon!

NotablyNeurotic said...

I missed you guys this week! I hope everything gets better for you and Chris soon!

You totally forgot to mention the best part about Ronnie's take on the Snookie/Cuntylocks fight. I also thought it was hilarious when he took the vase thing out of her hands while the his voice-over was saying, "It's like watching a baby fight". Then they cut to him talking in the interview room and he starts yammering on about how Snookie can't throw anything because she has raptor arms. I laughed so loud I startled my dog.

Blake said...

You're back as promised to which I can only say "Woo-hoo!"

And, I don't care if this offends you, I can't believe *you* like camping! LOLZ

Anonymous said...

Love the Guys and Dolls reference. Hilarious as always!

Sandra said...

Here's an idea for a Jersey Shore drinking game: shots everytime J Woww and/or Ang try to sum up a thought with, "at the end of the day..."

Meredith said...

Why did I know the "Guess I forgot to put the foglights in" immediately but not the "Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp?" God, I depress myself.

I do hope that TC is getting through a tough week, and I'm glad you're doing better.

And to Yucca -- Meg DOES mean spicket, which is a combination of spider and cricket. They are also called cave crickets and a number of other regional names. And they are terrifying.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhaphidophoridae

Meredith said...

Also to Yucca -- Unless may she did mean "spigot." I just re-read it, and in my mind, I went with the cricket. She might have meant the water dispenser. Who knows? It's a mystery.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! Sending good karma your way!

katherine said...

YAYAYAY so happy you're back!

Sending positive energy to TC :)

Anonymous said...

There are times that I turn off Jersey Shore so that I don't "ruin the post". I love reading your rendition that much more.

And ditto on camping!

A Concerned Reader said...

Meg- I love your blog. I REALLY DO! But...I am starting to get super frustrated when you don't post for days on end and then say "Oh, sorry, personal issues". If this is something you really love and want to make a living off of, I would think that no matter what you would have time to update your blog.

Anonymous said...

Fuck off, concerned reader. It's Meg's blog and she'll post whenever she goddamned pleases. Plus, it's not she's making a living by you reading her shit and having a few LOLZ. Give her a break.

Lindsay said...

No joke, a few nights ago I had a dream I was friends with you guys, and I was super pumped about it. And then I woke up and felt a little creepy for having a dream about the writers of a blog I read.

LL said...

I am in love with your favorite drinking list - especially the hottub. Everything is better in a hottub!

LL said...

I am in love with your favorite drinking list - especially the hottub. Everything is better in a hottub!

Monica said...

I hope everything is okay with you and TC! While no post days are always sad, they make the days there are posts that much better! And after taking the GRE's yesterday and doing...somewhat mediocre...I really, REALLY needed a dose of Meg. So thank you for this awesome post! This blog truly makes my day.

PS. I actually watched Jersey Shore last night, but sort of wish I hadn't so I could've read your recap first.

LB said...

So I just found out that I have a 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon separation situation from you, by like, 2 degrees. My boyfriend used to joke that if I ever met you, I'd leave him for you. With a fair amount of plotting and a quick sexual orientation change, I think I could make that happen. You game?

Syd said...

Ummmm, concerned reader, are you fucking serious? How is that you being concerned? I think your name for the comment should've been "An Ungrateful Asshole Who Has Bitchy Things to Say about the Wonderful Bloggers Who Continue to Entertain Us for Free."

I will admit, last night I told my roommate I was super sad there was only one post this week. But today's 100% made up for it and I'm super sorry things are less than fun for you guys right now :-/ I hope everything gets better.

Susan said...

someone could (SHOULD) spin a psych thesis out of the comments section of this blog. my god, the emotions. my god.

Lex said...

I don't really know why I'm Huckleberry Finn in this little scenario, but I am. I think that's just how I imagine the exaggerated version of my single self: barefoot, one strap of my worn overalls carelessly undone and tossed behind me, suckin' on a piece of straw, just lazily nappin' on the Mississip, escaping Pap, freein' slaves. It's a life.

My single life just got a lot more exciting and a lot more literary. Hellz yeah.

( suspect katherine ) said...

you do what you gotta do, girlfran (Meg) and you do what you gotta do, boyfran (Chris)!

Anonymous said...

You forgot about the part of the fight when Snooki stood up and said something along the lines of "Look who's still pretty bitch!"

Anonymous said...

I love the post and the writing. But the whole going AWOL and then coming back, is getting a bit old. When was the last time you actually posted all week? Either man up or just announce that you're going to post whenever you feel like it. Because I really am over listening to why you can't post.

toppe said...

anonymous- if your over listening to why she cant post, stop visiting the blog. until this blog becomes an actual paying job for them, they have every single right to have as many "sick days" and "personal days" as they want. its probably pretty fucking hard to be funny when you have actual depressing things going on in your life

Anonymous said...

you are right. they are able to post whenever they want, but they will lose readers as a result. i've found i check the blog less and less now that the posts have become more infrequent.

Anonymous said...

I agree- they should be able to post whenever they want, they are providing a free service to us and I am very grateful for all of the time and energy they spend on this blog.

However, if they hope to make this into a paying gig at some point I hope that they both realize that sponsors and advertisers aren't going to buy them saying "we promise we'll post every day". Instead they will examine the past posting history. No one judges you on what you say you can/will do. They judge based on what you show them.

For myself? I'm grateful for one post a week, since they're always hilarious and well-written. But if the goal is to some day make this into a paying gig I don't think the current posting schedule is going to get them any blog sugar daddies (advertisers/sponsors)

Viv said...

Great blog! Hope everything's okay with both you guys!

cassie said...

So, very few blogs I read have posts every day. Life happens, right, and I think that's clearly a huge part of why we (your readers) feel like we can relate to you guys. Because who isn't dealing with annoying, sometimes awful, in your 20's drama right now?

I know we'd all love it if there was a brand new beautiful post every day, but it's frankly a bit ridiculous for people to complain about that not happening. Maybe y'all need to add to the list of blogs you're reading if it's becoming that much of an issue. I'm not sure why a reader would require a formal announcement as to when there will be new posts. Take down the Type A just a smidge.

I hope you both are taking care of yourselves first and foremost. I know it can be kind of a downer to read negative comments when you're already dealing with shit in your personal life, so take some comfort please in knowing that there were more happy comments than Debbie Downers.

Also, seriously, what kind of person chooses to post a negative comment like that when the post clearly states that "things" are going on?! There are emails listed, you know, where you could contact them if you actually felt like you had some constructive advice to give. Don't be an asshole; they are actually real people, with emotions and feelings, you know.

cassie said...

Oy, sorry my comment was the length of an actual blog post, too!

Anonymous said...

No one is asking for some formal annoucement or saying they have to blog every single day. But if they say "we blog every weekday!" but then once a week have some vague excuse why they didn't, then stop saying they blog every weekday and giving excuses why that didn't happen. Some of us just find the excuses annoying and really got over drama queens after high school.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how out of hand this all gets every single post these days.

To the people who complain because of the infrequency of posts: really? Is it *really* such a huge part of your day that you have to go through the laborious task of typing the url in (or really just "2", I know your browser has autocomplete) and then deal with crushing disappointment when you don't see something?

Here's a tip: get Google reader. Subscribe to this blog and many other funny things. Open it daily, or several times a day if you'd like. If the 2 birds 1 blog link is in bold, hurray! You get to read a post today. If it's not, you didn't have to go through all that trouble of checking the blog, but hopefully there will be updates on the other lists and you'll survive the day.

Peter said...

Will people stop bitching about there not being more posts? Meg and Chris are real people with real lives. They have bad shit happen to them, just like everyone else, and believe it or not, they have other things going on than writing on this blog.

If you don't like that, then stop visiting this blog and leaving whiny comments about how they're not meeting your precious needs.

Johnny Utah said...

The best place to drink is alone in your tighty whities while eating tator tots off your belly. Also, drinking on Christmas is good, too.

Anonymous said...

fuck you, haters.

M&C, I got your back.

Johnny Utah, thanks for that visual.

Emz321 said...

I'm just happy that I didn't check the blog on Friday so I could save it for Monday morning, soo what I needed today! I really love your blog, so many people do, don't sweat the negative comments the only reason they're complaining is because they want more of the deliciousness you guys have to offer. That can't be too awful to have people love what you write and want more! And that's how you Pollyanna the situation!

Telperion said...

I'm totally for a psych thesis on the comments to this blog. There are too many way over the top emotions for people who have never met.

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