10.19.2010

Welcome back, Tulane Chris!

OOF. “SORR” about my absence, kids. It’s good to be back. Below follows a post I wrote before leaving but didn’t get a chance to send Meg before I left. (Spell-check informs me that “Meg” is a misspelling of “me.”) (Ed. Note: That's because I'll always be a part of you, Chris. Always.) (Ed. Note: Wait, I fucked that up. Technically, according to your spell-check, you'll always be a part of me. And if you managed to knock me up from TexasI'm not even mad. That's just good work. SLASH, can you imagine the frighteningly pale, anti-social, half-ginger, quarter Jewish, alcoholic Aspie's baby we'd create? I just spent five minutes trying to write a joke about how he'd be born with a wedgie, but the punch line was always that his underwear snags on my vaginal wall and now I want to die. So, please, proceed with your blog post.)
Well, my years of wickedness and spite have come back to plague me, as they do every year. My college is hosting some Special Olympics events, one of which is a rally to “Remove the R-Word.” I will probably be burned in effigy, if not actually at the stake. (Although in five years, when people decide that “developmentally disabled” is hurtful, they’ll come for you, so live it up while you can.)
I’m bad at holidays. I always intend to do something, but then I don’t pay enough attention and they sneak up on me, and I wind up having to put birthday candles in a Wendy’s burger. I’m going to do Halloween right this year, though. I’m deciding on a costume now so I have a whole month to change my mind twice and then put it together. I believe Meg is going as Evie, which involves putting on a pair of cat ears and then sitting at home eating tuna and being a bitch. (Evie is recycling last year’s slutty nurse.) Here’s what I’m considering so far:
Quicksilver:
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If physical limitations and public decency prevent you from dressing as your favorite comic book character, go as her twin brother. The silver hair and lightning-bolt shirt are probably doable with spray dye and fabric paint, although I’m not sure how I feel about the tights. Also, Quicksilver’s superpower is moving quickly, and I have the metabolism/energy level of a sloth. With chronic fatigue syndrome. And jetlag. Who’s getting over the flu. PS, I love that Wikipedia specifies that the Scarlet Witch is fictional. Really? Superpowers aside,
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What people will say: “If you run so much, Speedy, why do you still have a beer gut?”

Bobby Budnick from Nickelodeon’s Salute Your Shorts:
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I’ve got the coloring down, and I could get a bandanna and a beat-up guitar for about six bucks. Do you think anyone would get it, or would I have to have cards printed that read “You remember, ‘Salute Your Shorts?’ The Nickelodeon show about a summer camp run by the poor man’s Ernest P. Vorrell? It came on before ‘Hey, Dude?’”
Wow, looking for pictures of this actor has been… illuminating. Here he is sexying it up:
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What People Would Say: “Are you, like… a young Willie Nelson?”

Amy Winehouse’s Guardian Angel: I thought of this just now and I’m sitting here giggling my ears off. The standard angel garb, but smeared with ash and stained with red wine, a halo askew on my bouffant? A tattoo that says “Katy Perry Eats Shit” across one wing? (Yeah, I know it was Lily Allen she had the feud with, but I hate Katy Perry more.) A heroin-craving Pete Doherty angel at my feet, weeping, twitching, and vomiting?
What People Will Say: “2008 called. They want their ironic pop-culture-reference costume back.”

A Baseball Fury from The Warriors:
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Remember how wonderful the movie The Warriors is? A relic from a more naïve America, where eight men wearing jeans and leather vests with no shirts made viewers think of anything other than bad gay porn? It features Lynne (Motherfucking) Thigpen, later to become “The Chief” in “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego,” as the relentlessly ominous deejay. What other actress can create a memorable role with eight lines and only a third of her face? Anyway, the Baseball Furies are one of the first gangs Da Wahriuhs encounter during the movie. They have face paint and little baseball uniforms that say “Furies” across the back!
What People Will Say: “I didn’t know Peter Criss coached Little League.”

Meg McBlogger:
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Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I know Meg wears other things – I’ve seen her do it – but my mental image of her will always be sunglasses, wedges, stretch pants, a long cardigan, and an ironic tank top. It suits her perfectly, sort of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen with an edge.
What People Will Say: “That’s the worst Tiffani-Amber Thiessen costume I’ve ever seen. Is this some kind of shitty blog thing? Is Meg going as Mario Lopez?”

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I obviously love this idea most of all. I think I could pull this off with Vans, long cut-offs, an “Orlando Sound Machine” T-shirt and a little creatively applied eyeliner. I could carry a box of cupcakes and try to make out with a black guy, although that’s less “Halloween” than “Thursday” around here.
What People Will Say: “Good Lord, Chris, Vans? Are you going as high school? Couldn’t find any Doc Martens?

So that’s what I’m thinking so far. I may save the Kevin Yang costume for the next reader gathering so more people will get it, and also so that if (GOD WILLING) the actual, factual Kevin Yang puts in an appearance we can do a double act called Yang As I Wanna Be. As a parting shot, here are my thoughts on two movies I watched this weekend:

Worst of Netflix Mini-Reviews
Martin: It’s a good thing George Romero started making zombie movies, because he can’t direct the living worth a damn. The only thing that moves in this 1974 snoozefest is the plaid wallpaper.
Dead-End Drive-In: What an odd choice to make a dystopian movie set in Australia, which is already a desert full of poisonous animals and televised cricket.

81 comments:

cocktailsattiffanys said...

OH CHRIS! We are so happy you are back but terribly sorry about your loss.

As far as halloween goes, Bobby Budnick or Meg McBlogger would be absolutely hilarious as long as you had your key phrases to go along with the costume :)

Ali said...

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss in your family, Chris.

As an atheist, I too have the awkward conversations with religious people about someone I love being in a better place after I die, which I genuinely appreciate because I know they mean well when they say it; I just don't know how to explain I don't believe in that place. So I usually just smile, nod, and thank them for their kind words.

Ali said...

Wow, dd I really just say "after I die?" I meant after THEY die.

Time for bed, I'm losing it.

Ali said...

TYPO #3, GODDAMMIT. *did

Forgive me, everyone, I swear I'm done posting now.

Stela James said...

That is really sad news have ever read about this...
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Anonymous said...

Incredibly sorry to hear about your loss, Chris. Your drinking game, however, is MUCH appreciated, especially as I'm going through a similar situation (including, but not limited to, an aunt whose sanity is questionable, awk looks all around when nurses mention religion, and uncomfortable "so... how have you been?" conversations with random relatives). Thank you for providing comfort and cheer, even when you're going through a tough time. It's why we love you (both) so much. Good to have you back.

And regarding Halloween, http://www.bustedtees.com/campanawanna should help the Budnick option :)

Francesca said...

oh my god, budnick. i love that show more than anything and get the theme song stuck in my head constantly! you should get a lame/trooper friend to be sponge and give him awful waffles all night long.

Meg said...

So sorry for your loss, Chris :(

And I totally remember "Salute Your Shorts" -- in fact, my sister and I still sing the theme song when we're feeling a little, um, nostalgic (or drunk, slap-happy, exhausted... take your pick).

Freewheel said...

That can't really be Tulane Chris because he blogs in green. Based on the dark humor and family oddities, my guess is that the imposter blogger is David Sedaris.

Anonymous said...

I often tell people "now say it right or pay the price", and am usually given the same concerned/confused look as when I say "Sorr about the _____"

ty said...

Sorr for your loss.

Hot Mess said...

you HAVE to go as Bobby Budnick. Absolutely.

Sorr about your loss btw.

Anonymous said...

1. Sorr for your loss.
2. I vote for Budnick. Once everyone figures out who you are, they're guaranteed to spend the rest of the week with "Camp Anawanna" stuck in their heads. A lasting effect means a great costume.
3. Not to get all cereal on you, but my bro was born severely disabled, and the r-word really does make me cringe. I know you think it's stupid, but...its pretty much the n-word/f-word/c-word for blacks, gays, and women.
4. It's great to have you back!

Anonymous said...

If you don't update this blog every day, I'm leaving. Sorr about the Blog.

Anonymous said...

Make good on your threat and leave. You sound like a asswad anyway.

Sorry about your loss Chris.

Lolo said...

Another vote for Budnick! That'd be fantastic!

By the way, so sorry to hear about the loss and so glad to have you back! Hope things are getting easier!

jenny said...

@ 12:08. OK , bye.

Anonymous said...

sorr about your loss chris :(

Anonymous said...

"in five years, when people decide that “developmentally disabled” is hurtful, they’ll come for you."
Did you know that stupid and idiot used to be actual medical terms? It's a vicious (and hilarious) cycle. Never fails.

Anonymous said...

sorry about your loss :(
but tis good to have you back!

Anonymous said...

Hey Anon 12:08 - just bounce, ass. You, unlike Meg and Chris, will NOT be missed.

Jordon said...

Love you Tulane Chris! Be Budnick for Halloween!

Stela James said...

its nice and interesting.

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Courtney said...

So sorry to hear about your loss! I hope you and your family are doing okay.

I seriously want to cast a thousandy billion votes for the Bobby Budnick costume. That is still my favorite show from the 90s ... or you could go as Ug with just a little sunscreen on your nose, a fisherman's hat, and a Hawaiian shirt!

Anonymous said...

ZEKE THE PLUMBER!!!! haha wear a fake, falling off nose and carry around a stuffed hippo and a plunger. That episode still haunts me.

btw sorr about your loss.

Robert said...

This post is way too long.

I have a long day of doing nothing ahead of me, and I can't be bogged down with your "words"

I did laugh my ass off at the drinking game thing though ... before I got distracted by a slideshow on Huffington Post (which I appreciate because I can have something explained to me through pictures, rather than your damn "words")

Anonymous said...

1) Please be Bobby Budnick!!! It will probably go over a lot of heads, but the people who get it will be so thrilled.
2) "Good lord, Chris, Vans? Are you going as high school?"
Wonderful. Also now I kind of want to go as high school.
3)You should Worst of Netflix "The Horsemen." Constant religious metaphor hitting you over the head, the kid from Almost Famous sawing himself in half, and Dennis Quaid.

elizabeth said...

No Post Monday and now a No Post Wednesday? I'm not mad...just disappointed :(

Emily said...

lurker's No Post Wednesday thoughts:

I think you guys should officially announce a new posting schedule. Just posts on Tuesday and on Thursday, or maybe Tuesday and Friday, so as to maintain TGI Hagman. That way if you DO get a post up on a day that's not scheduled, it'll be extra exciting and make your readers happy!! Am I asking you to lower your standards in order to garner more public support? Well ... yes. Although I personally prefer to look at it as "raising your success rate."

But seriously - I don't know how you ever managed to think of enough stuff to post Monday through Friday before. Totally understandable that you can't now, but I'm sure my employers would rather have me repeatedly refresh looking for new posts two or three days a week, rather than five. :)

p.s. Glad to see you back, Chris, but I'm sorry to hear about the reasons for your departure in the first place.

Maggie said...

This blog is turning into an addict sibling: promises to reform, followed by dissapointing relapses, punctuated by our feeble pleas of support and abuse in equal measure.

We miss the blog that was once 2birds.

Anonymous said...

Truth, Maggie. Truth.

Kate said...

..is this a joke? I agree with the comments above. You should really just declare a new posting schedule because you're upsetting your readers.

I understand it has to be extremely hard to come up with new and interesting posts Monday through Friday like you used to, but don't pretend like you're going to be better about posting when you clearly aren't.

We know you're going through a rough time and we understand! We're on your side! But you have so many loyal readers who check your site daily and you KNOW this....so stop leading them on and routinely disappointing them because you're likely to end up alienating them from the blog completely.

Sorry to be harsh, but you're in you're 20's I think you can handle it. Everyone needs a little tough love now and then. Hope to see you posting again soon.

Anonymous said...

IT'S. A. BLOG.

GET OVER IT.

Caroline said...

Annonymous 4:00 - you need to relax.

Dedicated friends and readers are allowed to leave their thoughts, comments, and suggestions. It's kind of the point of a comment section. If it causes you so much angst maybe you should go blog about it instead of wasting 2b1b's comment space by arguing with other readers.

On a different note, TC so sorry to hear about your loss, but great post! Loved the drinking game.

Wish I had a post to read today at work though :(

Miss you guys! Xox

Maggie said...

In response to Anon; 4 pm

No, I won't. I think we can all agree, particularly over the last few weeks, that this has Frankensteined into a community, as well as a blog. So, if there is dissapointment and dissent in the ranks, I believe it's legitimate.

We're all pulling for Meg and want her to succeed. In whatever she does. But we really want her to succeed with us. That is why we're dissapointed. I don't think it's a terrible thing to express.

Briana said...

Wow. So, y'all start off bitching that there are no posts. Meg pops out a few, noting that she's practically on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Then there are a bunch of "wait, where's TC?" comments, because more frequent posts from just one person isn't good enough. Tulane Chris makes a comeback with a post about being out of town to spend time with his family due to a dying relative and subsequent funeral, and you're talking about REGULARITY OF BLOG POSTS?

Awesome priorities, readers.

Sorr about Meg and Chris having more important things to deal with than entertaining a bunch of high-maintenance strangers.

Liv said...

Briana,

When someone like Meg has posted every Monday through Friday for the past few years, gains THOUSANDS of readers (yes, thousands. 2b1b has almost 5,000 followers on Twitter alone), expresses a yearn for a book deal, has a donation tab " Help To Keep [the blog] Alive!", and regularly ends posts thanking readers for vising the blog and asking them to tell their friends about it and to vote for them in various contests, regular readers have every right to have developed certain expectations.

Everyone goes through hard times, and I think the majority of readers are sympathetic/empathetic towards the various situations that have faced Meg and Chris recently. But it's also been a plethora of weeks. I don't think it's SO UNGODLY HORRIBLE for readers to let Meg and Chris know that the miss them and to offer suggestions as to how they could improve the blog (for example, have a new posting schedule, as one reader suggested above).

I think that even if Meg were to Tweet or post a quick "Hey guys - working on a post for later this afternoon" or "Doing research today for a post tomorrow" or something along those lines, to at least update readers as to why there is no post that various day.

While we understand this isn't a job, nevermind that it's not a paying job, it's surprising to think that you wouldn't think Meg and Chris have SOME sort of responsibility to their readers.

And you really shouldn't speak on behalf of other people. Let them speak for themselves.

Meg and Chris - we all love you and wish you the best! We just miss your regular posts.

xoxo

Briana said...

Liv,

I truly get what you're saying. I'm a business owner myself. I understand customer satisfaction and all that jazz (even though this is a free blog). Constructive criticism is helpful, and I think that's what you're referring to. I'm talking more about the "post every day or I'm outta here" crap with nothing useful included that's been on every single post lately. The vast majority of those comments are not well-meaning, supportive points on how to make readers happier (such as Emily's post, which I'd consider pleasant and helpful while offering a suggestion). A bunch of other commenters are just being asshats. The point is that it's really, REALLY inappropriate to respond to someone's post about a death in the family with "so what, where are your posts."

Liv said...

I completely agree with what you said. I 100% do not support the "blog every day or I'm out" comments. They're rude and unnecessary. It's just that your post came after a bunch of well-meaning posts...so if that truly is your point then that's fine. I think you could have found a better way to express your thoughts and could have clarified to whom you were directing your post to though.

Also, Tulane Chris is the one who lost a family member and I haven't seen any posts saying "so what, where are your posts?" that have been directed towards him.....

Anyway, thank you for clarifying your point and hopefully everyone can and will respectfully voice their opinions/thoughts/comments/suggestions/words of support etc here with good intentions and without being berated by others.

Anonymous said...

I think someone should nominate Meg for the show intervention. Not only would it be fun to watch, but it would also lead to some great blog posts...

Anonymous said...

Meg you could practically get a whole post just blogging about the comment section lately! dramaz!

Beth said...

My father passed 2 years ago this month after a very sudden illness, and I can empathize with the crazy family aftermath... It sucks, but it gets better eventually. Chin up dude.

LAUR said...

Meg, will you PLEASE design a 'Sorr for your loss' sympathy card? I know if I was going through shit, getting that card in the mail would help me loosen my death grip on the Xanax bottle. And love whoever sent it that much more. It's win-win!

LAUR said...

Other apology card possibilities: 'Sorr about hitting your car', 'Sorr about the STD', 'Sorr I banged a drunk chick at the clerb while you were in Michigan with your mom that time'...the stationery possibilities are endless! I'll take 100.

Sarah said...

President Obama: "Sorr about the taxes!"

Eve to God: "Sorr about what happened in the garden!"

God to the dinosaurs: "Sorr about the asteroid!"

Captain of the Titanic up just striking the iceberg: "Sorr about the momentary turbulence!"

...omg the possibilities

Sarah said...

upon*

Alex said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA SHUT UP omg Sarah you are genius

Anonymous said...

Omg... Sorr about the ________ cards would be HILARIOUS! Offer up some sets of note cards in your store and Im totes in.

Sycophantastic said...

Is it just me, or does "Sorr About the Syphilis," have a real ring to it?

tobetti said...

I would totes be down for a big ol' pile of "sorr about the ________" cards!!!

Anonymous said...

People want more posting around here, but they don't want to do anything but talk about it. Well, time to grow a pair and just nominate yourself for a Thursday post or something. You evidently think your comments are worth reading, so why not your blog posts? Email Meg.

Be sur to mention Kevin Yang and leav off the occasional terminal letter in your writing. It'll flow better that way. Totes funn.

Anonymous said...

Miss you guys!

I have a suggestion that I think Meg will appreciate and most readers probably will too...

Google "Sorry for Partying" and then use that as an excuse for everything!

Ex: There is no blog post today, sorry for partying.
Ex: I didnt make it to work until noon today, sorry for partying.

You can even transform that to "Sorr for paryting" but you might want to watch copyright problems with that.

Anonymous said...

bye

Emz321 said...

Well the comments are a good runner up if there's no blog post. Very entertaining. I love how serious people are when there are no posts, there's a serious sense of entitlement going on with some people. Not gonna say I don't get disappointed myself but it's not going to keep me away. I'm sorry Chris for everything you've had to go through and I appreciate you sharing, and even managing to turn it into a great post.

Cara said...

To readers complaining about post frequency:
Speaking as someone who has dealt with "anxiety issues" my whole life, I can tell you that by leaving comments about your frustration or disappointment in the lack of posts recently is exactly how NOT to get your way. Meg is painfully aware that she has created a community that has certain expectations of her and that she is not meeting said expectations to you all's satisfaction. Speaking from personal experience, the combination of pressure to live up to what others expect of you and not being able to do so (for whatever reason) is the perfect recipe for MORE STRESS! And on top of being stressed, you feel guilty for being stressed because its-all-my-fault-i'll-never-be-good-enough-why-cant-i-just-do-what-everyone-wants-me-to-do?!?!! Why isn't Meg posting with the same regularity as normal? Because she has anxiety about all the shit she wants to figure out in her life right now. What do your demanding comments do? Cause more anxiety for her. You are perpetuating the problem. And I'm tired of Meg having to apologize to everybody all the time, and I'm sure she is too. In short, don't make her feel like a piece of shit for something she already feels like a piece of shit about. You're making it worse.

Anonymous said...

As of 5:32am Larry Hagman is dead.

Anonymous said...

^Not true. Larry Hagman lives on. Don't you cause my heart to hurt, Anonymous!

"Mike" said...

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm Cara, I suffer from a pretend condition when I'm just weak and I know things! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lolo said...

Well said, Cara.

Take your time, guys.

laura said...

Bad anonymous 7.33, you made me panic so much!

laura said...

Bad anonymous 7.33, you made me panic so much!

abby jenkins said...

Speechless. I might have to print that out and read it over and over again. Bloody brilliant post.

Admin said...

Go as Kevin Yin, the evil bizarro of Kevin Yang. According to South Park, all you need to achieve bizarro is a goatee. Now get on it.

cassie said...

Just tell me someone is starting work on those "Sorr about..." greeting cards. I swear to god. I need those. Would be a great addition to the online store. Split the profits or something. This has to happen!

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