10.08.2010

SHIT'S. ABOUT TO GET. REAL. (& a recap.)

Well Christ, now that you've all thrown some pity money my way, I suppose I'm obligated to write regularly again and let you know what's up with me, right? Well played,
reader. Well played indeed.

Well, to simplify the situation greatly, I've had to face some hard realities in the past few weeks and those realities caused all of these emotions and Lord (and a slew of state-certified therapists) knows that I have no god-given idea how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. I didn't want to get into all this shit here because this is a comedy blog after all and if you wanted to hear me bitch and moan about how hard life is, you probably would have just been my friend in middle school. But I didn't have any friends in middle school. So I interpret that as a pretty good indicator that nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan. Plus, it's hard to write something from the heart when you know some schmo is going to shit all over it in the comments section. I'm going to be honest with you right now: that is a mind fuck. Bloggers aren't supposed to acknowledge that part of the job because if you do, you're giving power to the people trying to fuck you and the only way to fight back is to deny that they have power over you in the first place. You know who else has to deal with that kind of mental battle every day? Prison inmates. Prison inmates and bloggers. I would not be surprised if I go into my kitchen tomorrow morning to get a bowl of Kashi Go-Lean and a Latin King jumps out and either shanks me or makes me his life bitch. I think we both know I'm rooting for the latter, but still. I'm just saying it's a bizarre occupational hazard.

So, yes, light-hearted end of the week ass rape jokes aside, I wasn't going to talk about it. But as we've experienced in the last two weeks, when I don't talk about it, I don't talk at all. Which I expected a lot of animosity about, and while I certainly got it, mostly I just got a lot of support. By complete strangers! It's crazy. And flattering and touching and slightly overwhelming because you know, emotions and such and such. But eff the commenters! Eff them in the A. And the B. And up the U with electrical wire. And throw a CD in there to boot. (That's a coke douche, by the way, not a compact disc. Although fuck itthrow that in there too. Everything's in mp3 these days anyway and shit is wide.) I'm going to tell you what's up. Although I will let you know that a large quantity of red wine was recently spilled on my keyboard and the S and control keys are fucked up, so it there might be some pelling errors. <--- I didn't plan that. That was organic. But I'm keeping it to prove a point. And if you have a problem with it, shoot me an email me and I will personally come to your place of residence and felate you, because you need to chill the fuck out. And because I'm aware I give a half-assed BJ, I will also bring a few cans of Coors with me to compensateChrist knows I got extra from camping and Christ double knows I got the time.

So, I was trying to pinpoint today the source of this whole existential life crisis that I'm currently going through. Was it the change of seasons? My sister's upcoming wedding? The fact that all of my friends seem to be fleeing this city like it's the second outbreak of the bubonic plague? No. Well, maybe. But specifically, it was because I looked at my bank account. And the balance was $12.30. So then I looked in my back-up bank account. And the balance there was -$55.30. So then I looked at my emergency savings account. And the balance there was $14.95. Which puts my finances at a grand total of -$28.05, before bills and cost of living and blah blah pants and sandwiches blah. Final summation: bitch has gotta go back to work.

But the thing is, (and I realize this is going to sound obnoxious at first, but stick with) I have to go back to work-work. Like, I have to get a real person job again. I refuse to go back to retail because not only do you work all the time and not make any money, my last experience left me totally jaded. Because you know what's an ironic moment? When you can't make payments on the loans you took out to get a fancy BA in art, because you're not qualified for a promotion at the arts and crafts store you work at. That moment is a real fucking kick in the pants. And then right after you find out you got passed, one of your best friends comes into the store to say goodbye on her way to move to New York and per chance, The Rolling Stones' "Wild Horses" starts playing on the store soundtrack and suddenly you're looking around for fucking James Van Der Beek because life is feeling a little too "Dawson's Creeky" for your liking, so you deal with it by calling your parents on M street and just yell a bunch of swears, get sick, and never go back. Christ.

I'm aware that everyone, including me, has to work. I'm aware that I'm not special and I'm not exempt from any of the shittier aspects of life. However, the fact that I have to go back and get a 9-5 again, to me, feels like a failure. The fact that I couldn't make this blog my bread and butter after trying very, very hard to, makes me feel like a failure. I know because I don't have Google Ads it must seem like I'm not trying to monetize or like I don't take my writing seriously, but behind the scenes I hustle. Chris and I both hustle hard. And I personally have come so close, so many times to getting a break, but fall just short every single time. So I keep trying. I tell myself it's the kick in the ass I need to make this my number one priority and work harder. But when I realized a few weeks ago that I was officially out of "post-firing" money with absolutely nothing to show for it, I just felt like a big fat fucking failure.

Intellectually, I can sit myself down and say that going back to a 9-5 will by no means end my dream and it doesn't actually mean I've failed, but for me, right now, it does. And as I told my mom (or more accurately, as I screamed at my mom), I am allowed to take a moment and be upset about it. I'm not quitting. The blog is not dead. I just needed some time to fucking sit down, eat a bowl of Xanax, come to terms with what's up, look for jobs, and cry at everything on TV, including, but not limited to, that god damn Hallmark card commercial with the daughters going through their dad's drawers and finding every card they've ever given him and they're all, "He kept them all...I didn't even know he read them," and then they all start crying and suddenly Dad pokes his head in all, "What you hens cluckin' about? I'm only moving downtown." You know what? THAT COMMERCIAL IS FUCKING FUCKED UP. They totally lead you into thinking Dad is dead and let's not pretend like we haven't all cleaned out a dead loved one's room and you find their old like, "#1 Grandpa!" shit and think you're going to vomit your insides out and your parents are crying and that's ass-backwards and confusing because you're only 12-fucking-years old and what the shit can you say to make any of it better? FUCK HALLMARK FOR CAPITALIZING ON THAT MOMENT. That is some voodoo shit right there and and I am not amused. It's like the "Golden Girls" episode when you think Blanche's husband is alive again and then right at the end you find out it was all a dream. If someone is alive, just say they're alive. If someone is dead, just say they're dead. Hallmark Dad is alive, George Devereaux is dead. How hard was that??

Anyway, I needed a moment to sit in my apartment, scream at the television like a senile old person and just fucking be sad. The weird thing about writing a comedy blog about the unfortunateness of your life is that after a while, you sort of get psyched when shit happens because it means you have new material. But this little life realization totally snuck up on me. All of a sudden it was like, "this is isn't funny. This isn't funny at all. All of my friends are in love and settling down and getting married and having babies and going back to school and moving on, and I'm single, living in the town I've always lived in or near, in my sister's apartment and I write a free comedy blog primarily about my body fluids and bad luck. What the fuck am I doing?" And the answer is: I don't know. I mean, I guess nobody really knows what they're doing, but I don't even have the comfort of getting to pretend like I do. I can't slap a bunch of smiling pictures of myself on Facebook, add a fancy job title at an impressive company and feel validated. Why? Because everyone knows that I got fired six months ago and went to the hospital because I couldn't stop shitting myself. I mean...really.

That being said, I totally understand that it's my choice to share all of this with you. And I am 100% dedicated to making this little horse and pony show (and my writing in general) a success. However, I don't know if that's actually ever going to happen. I don't know if I'll ever monetize, I don't know if I'm ever going to get an agent, I don't know if I'll ever get a book deal, I don't know if turning down that awesome design job a year and a half ago to stay in a shitty receptionist job to dedicate myself to writing this blog was a good idea and if I didn't do this anymore, I really, really don't know what I'd do. And as long as we're being honest; that scares the ever-living shit out of me. Because everyone knows about it. If I fail, everyone is going to know, so part of me is nervous to even try. But that's where your supportive emails and tweets and PayPal donations really helped. It's very powerful to just have random fucking people tell you not to give up. Because of course my family and friends are supportive and have been telling me not to give up, but they're my family and friends. They're pretty much contractually obligated to believe in me. But you're not. And you seem to be into it. So blokay. I won't go anywhere. I even wrote two blog posts today to make sure that we're back on schedule for next week. hey HEY hey.

So there. That's mostly what's been going on with me. I'm sorry if it inconvenienced you and I'm sorry if my explanation made you feel uncomfortable (as it would me), but I don't know. The minute money is involved, I feel oddly obligated to be honest. Which is weird because I'm Jewish. HI-OHHHHHHHHHH! She's back! And now that we've established I'm not swinging from nerd rope on my shower rod, let's check in on another loose cannon, shall we?

Photobucket

As of 6:18am on October 8, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And $12 million dollars richer. Which is an interesting turn of events. But apparently he's giving away $10 million of it to charity. Soooooo, Mr. Hagman, I will kindly direct you to my personal PayPal button at your right and bid you a good weekend.

So, this was a boring week in the "Jersey Shore" world, but meh, what else is new? Everyone is psyched that Angelina is gone and to celebrate that fact, the boys go and throw her bed out. This scene enrages me for two reasons: 1.) Upon lifting up her mattress, they discover that the supporting planks are broken and are obviously like, "Heyoo0o0oo, she's such a slut she broke her bed!" I'm sorry but Ikea furniture doesn't hold up for shit and if you'd like to argue that, I have a two broken end tables looking me square in the eye that would love to speak with you; and 2.) The production crew usually gets to take shit from the house for themselves at the end of a reality show and how pissed would you be if you had shotgunned Angelina's bed and then Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and "DJ Pauly D" decided to physically throw it in a dumpster to further prove that the girl who has left the show, has indeed left the show? How bored and full of forbidden homosexual thoughts are you when that suddenly gets thrown on the agenda?

To further further celebrate the fact that Angelina's gone, the house gets together and cooks a big lobster feast and prays and mumbles about family and Sammi feels weird because now that Angelina's gone, she doesn't have any girlfriends in the house blah blah blah I'm so bored I could puke. But why talk about that when we can talk about how J-WOWW and Snooki attempt to "rescue" a lobster by putting him in a salad bowl of water, feeding him worms and keeping him as a pet? Because again, I'm relating to the "Jersey Shore" a little more than I'd like to. It's time you all know about M'Lady.

M'Lady was a crab. Some say the best crab. One day the summer before freshman year of college, me, Teresa and our friend Franky went crabbing because we're from Maryland and stereotypes are fun and usually based on fact. We were probably out crabbing for like, six hours, and all we caught was one lone crab. Unfortunately, we caught her kind of early on in the day (looking back, if it was a lady crab, why did we keep her? Teresa, email me about this immediately because that seems out of character for us) and therefore become oddly attached to her. We named her M'Lady and we were her #1 fans. When we finally decided to call it a day, we threw M'Lady and like, a lone Pepsi can to clank around together in an igloo cooler lined with part of a folded up Sugarcult poster or something equally ridiculous and as we sped off, it became apparent rather quickly that M'Lady was dying because we forgot to put any fresh water in there. So, I swear to god, Teresa pulled like a hard J-turn off the highway, threw it in reverse, backed into the jetty and we at the last possible second filled M'Lady's cooler with bay water and she lived.

But then we got home (after we did a quick photoshoot with her...) and were faced with the dilemma of, "we have this delicious blue crab on our hands. We befriended her. What the fuck are we supposed to do with her now?" There was only one humane thing we could think of: make a dip out of her. Because every now and then, humane = delicious. But we had bonded with M'Lady so hardcore by that point though that none of us wanted to be the one to actually put M'Lady in her boiling grave of death. In the end Franky did it because he's a boy and boys kill things and girls run into Teresa's dad's den and google artichoke crab dip recipes. Feminism Schmeminism. Then it came time to pick M'Lady apart and again, none of us wanted to do it. So then we had the issue of having a delicious fully-cooked blue crab on our hands and what to do with it. I think I've blocked out how we solved that problem though, because in my mind we went from taking the lid off the pot and discovering one lone crab claw sticking out of the water and straight into the air like the hand at the end of Carrie to happily enjoying a zesty artichoke crab dip. And then when I "used the facility" later that night, I texted Teresa and Franky and told them I had just given M'Lady a "royal burial at sea," which in retrospect is equal parts digusting and hilarious. And then a year later I named my Acura Legend after her to memorialize the M'Lady name forever. Until my sophomore year roommate totaled it and it was like losing her all over again. The moral of the story is: do not befriend crustaceans. Also, don't duct tape a picture of yourself, your male friend and your crab friend to your door the first day of college or everyone will repeatedly come up to you and tell you that your boyfriend is really cute and you'll have to be repeatedly correct them all, "dat dem der ain't mah boyfriend. That's mah crabbin' buddy, Franky, and our delicious catch o' the day, M'Lady!" and everyone think you're a weirdo. And they will be right, but that's not the point.

Speaking crabs, that girl who stood Vinnie up finally calls him back and wants a second chance. He's all for it. He plans a romantic little picnic for the two of them on the beach, which she shows up for about three hours late. I mention this mainly because I appreciate the "time wasting" shots of Vinnie clipping his claws, sighing heavily, looking in new and exciting drawers for unfound treasure and the like. Finally after waiting a while, two random girls call him up and are like, "Hi. Can we suck your dick?" and Vinnie's like, "I don't know, give me like, five minutes," and they're like, "OK, our fathers didn't love us." So Vinnie waits out the five minutes convinced that his lost lady friend will show up and all will be right in the world. But then she doesn't, so he calls the ho's back and tells them to come over and get on it. BUT THEN HIS ORIGINAL DATE SHOWS UP!!!!111 So he call the ho's and tells them not to come over. And thus concludes Vinny Guadango and the Case of Too Many Vaginas.

Speaking of vaginas in the house, Snooki's BFF from home, Ryder, is in town visiting! According to J-WOWW, the way Snooki and Ryder communicate is "hysterical." And I agree. If we live in a world where "hysterical" is a synonym for "mind-bogglingly irritating."

OK, basically here's all you need to know about this episode: The Situation is a dick. He's way too rough with girls, they can smell the HIV wafting off him like the Axe body spray I'd bet dollars to donut he douses himself in daily, they want nothing to do with him and thus he's become a blue-balled party-pooper. To cope with this, The Situation has tried everything from slamming random chicks up against the wall and tattooing his tongue on their pubes, attempting to make out with Snooki, smacking Snooki in the mouth when she resists and doesn't want to go home, sulking in the corner of the club with his sunglasses on like a god damn pedophile, and attempting to pull a "robbery" by macking on Vinnie's chick while he's in the shitter. He always wants to go home when they're out at the clerbs and even Sammi and Ronnie are like, "seriously? It's 7:30pm" and The Situation is like, "but I want to go nowwwww-wuh." Everyone thinks he's changed, nobody likes him, he still think he's the shit, and now he's on "Dancing With The Stars" with Bristol Palin and Audrina Patridge. I don't know. I have literally lost the ability to tell whether that's a win or lose in today's cultural landscape. I'm apt to think lose, but then again he has five million dollars and I have emotions. Draw?

As always, have a great weekend and thank you for sticking with. xoxo

111 comments:

Anna said...

im always rootin for your tootin <3 ps a blog is just as easily written in korea as it is in dc. i love you meggles

<3

Kayla said...

Dear Meg, you are the highlight of my week, please keep up the good work. high fives to ya!

Anonymous said...

so.happy!

JamaLee said...

Sometimes shit sucks. You are allowed to feel that. Fuck the haters.

We love you Ms. McBlogger!!!!!

Jenn- wizard of words, queen of the universe and all around great time! said...

just so ya know, your blog inspired me to write. and i (and all my NH friends) heart you. ;)

Anna said...

also, have you noticed angelina never NOT wears flats?! specifically those black ones? switch it up sister!

Anonymous said...

That was a beautiful post. I feel that I've gotten my money's worth and we are now completely squared away. * You are a good investment * (in case any publisher's are reading)

Lolo said...

Wooooooooo So SO glad you are back! Keep on keepin on!

Francesca said...

that episode of golden girls is FUCKED up, and i love nerds rope. even though on the package it KIND OF looks like "nerds rape." design a new logo for it!

way to go, great post.

Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel any better, i checked my balance this morning and it reads "-$238.92." Then to make myself feel better, I checked my savings account... and OH, that's right, Suntrust closed it because I had less than enough to cover their $3.00 monthly fee. And I HAVE a real(ish) job. I feel ya girlfriend...

Besides, just think about it this way- getting another real job and another Boss #1 and Boss #2 will allow you to regale us with even more on the job humor!

Anonymous said...

Love this blog! Also- if you need a pick me up- google image "Halloween pug"- there are some good ones on there!

Anonymous said...

i admire you for at least having the balls to pursue what you love, despite the odds. it's more than most people can say! keep at it girl, you're hilarious, you're talented, and we're all rooting for you!

Emma said...

Meg, I've never commented before, but I've been reading you for, oh, about a year now, and you are awesome. We all go through stuggles with money and life and emotions...so yeah. :) Keep going, you really help me survive the work week. And who knows, a new boring 9 to 5'er might give you all the inspiration you'll need to keep being hilarious on a daily basis.

Anonymous said...

YAY, meg's back!! to echo what emma said (even though i've commented before), a ton of people read this blog and love it but never comment. unfortunately, it is often the case that only the assholes who have mean things to say will take the time to actually comment. i completely understand your worry about people commenting mean things, but for every person who says some assbackwards thing about the blog sucking or w/e, there are probably 25+ more people who think you rock and just haven't said anything. so, i personally pledge to comment on each blog post that i enjoy (which will probably be every single one, honestly) so that you & TC know how much i love you guys and your writing. hopefully that will make you feel just a little bit better :)

Melody said...

Hi Meg, thanks so much for this post. I think it's cool that you were totally honest about what you're feeling. I read 2b1b EVERY day, and I totally owe you some paypal love for my daily dose of sanity!

Ryan said...

Fuck the haters. I feel like I'm watching a struggling, and hilarious, sibling. Keep working hard and good shit will happen.

toppe said...

i love you. glad your back in action, you know i need my daily dose of you like a mendicant needs money. speaking of your car m'lady, what was the name of the red mazda you scooted me around in back in high school? i cant remember for the life of me?

Lucky and Gizzy said...

Oh, Meggles! I'm sorry you're in the dumps, but we've all been there. And while there are twenty-somethings out there who are in love, with nice cars and cool jobs, it ain't always glitter and gold.

Hang in there! More people feel your pain, they just don't want to say it. Keep your chin up!

-Lucky

Anonymous said...

You have huge balls for believing and following your dreams. Just by reading your blog I know you aren't meant to take the ordinary path. So what if you have to gather more funds to give it another go. Adversity will just mean more to write about down the road. You are funny, smart and talented and just with those 3 qualities you can make it happen eventually. So slow clap for your continued effort!

Thanks for making me laugh Monday-Friday!

Anonymous said...

Hey Meg,

Shit sucks... but shit passes. You gon be aight!!! Your readers aren't going anywhere. <3

Anonymous said...

Dancing with the Stars = you are a celebrity who will do anything to make the lime light last that much longer! Lose!
Glad you're back blogging! You're hilarious and I look forward to your blog everyday! Keep it up chica!

KelliAnnMarie said...

At least you had the good sense to go back and get some water so M'Lady can live. Snooki went to college to be a vet and couldn't figure out that lobsters live in salt water OR what they eat. As a little fun fact, did you know that in Japan, the title of Jersey Shore translates to "Macaroni Rascals"?

Anonymous said...

The story about m'lady the crab totally made my day times ten. I hope things get better for you - we love you, Chris, and this blog!

Anonymous said...

Ms. Meg...this blog makes my week. Don't quit!!! It's OK to be sad sometimes. You'll come out stronger. And cheers to you for following your passion. Get it girl!

Anonymous said...

meg, you're the bomb. with posts like these, how could i NOT make a paypal donation? keep it up, girl

Anonymous said...

as my sister kyra likes to say when i'm down in the dumps:

who da bomb?

YOU da bomb.

who da bomb?

YOU da bomb.

end of story.

Anonymous said...

Hagman OWES you for keeping him relevant. <3 you.

Cassidy said...

I had this conversation with a friend yesterday:
"I'm just really worried about Meg right now"
"Um who's Meg"
"She's my friend...kind of...well we met online...sort of. I mean she sent me stickers once."

So yes, complete strangers are very worried about your well being. If I didn't have this blog to read I don't know how I would get through the work day! Thanks Meg!!

KT said...

Did you know the book "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" was rejected by pretty much every publisher? After a year and the 'cult-following' increasing, everyone was all over him trying to be his publisher. Now it's a best seller. So hang in there! ...and if you ever need a new city, there's plenty of crazies to write about here in ATL.

The Realist said...

So i'm basically broke myself, but i really want to contribute to the paypal fund--can I buy you booze instead? We are like friends 2x removed because my bff worked with Becca. it's not creepy and you could save the paypal donations you get for comcast bills! hit me up @mrommel on twitter.

LK said...

Can I just say WORD. I am so lucky to have a job right now, but seriously every year or so I have two weeks where I flip out, feel like a failure and realize I have no direction in life.

I'm officially in my mid-20's and still a freakin assistant after graduating from a great school cum effing lade. Plus, I don't even have a good idea of what I even want to do- other than peace out and live on a commune somewhere.

Anyway, you have one thing going for you- you're really effing talented at making other people laugh and RELATE on this here blog. Someday soon that'll pay off big and we'll be cheering you on till it does.

Shit, now I have emotions!

C said...

Hey Meg (and Chris)!

You both consistently do an awesome job. The blog would not be what it is if you didn't take the time to tell us what's bugging you as well as what's going great.

Like a previous poster said, it takes huge balls (or giant knockers) to pursue your dreams. Lord knows I'm trying too. Getting a 'real' job for right now isn't a failure. Think of you future paychecks from said job as investments in your dream.

It will all pay off in the end.

Keep up the fucking awesome work. And I hope you both will be back to feeling 100% soon!

-C

Anonymous said...

I love you and I will be heartbroken if this blog ever, ever goes away. So even when you're rich and famous I'm going to need my reality show recaps and TGIHagmans. Great things are going to happen for both you and Chris- you guys are amazing :) And conversation from the MD RenFest last weekend:
My friend: Maybe Meg will be here! She loves the Renaissance Festival!
Me: Ooh yay I hope so!
Friend: Wait... she's away this weekend.
Me: Oh CRAP, she's camping.
Friend: I hope she's having fun... Is this conversation creepy?

KR said...

So I show my mom this blog once in awhile (printed out...because she still accidentally refers to "blogs" as "blobs" and can't be bothered to read anything online) and her exact words were, "Why don't they have a book? They need a wealthy benefactor, because I would buy that book...hell I'd be the wealthy benefactor if I could get a heart-warming accolade in the Acknowledgements section." Soo, in short--convince my mom to loosen the purse strings with your wit and charm and she'll probably give you at least enough money for a binge weekend. Oh, and everyone I know would buy that book.

erin bg said...

Hey, I think it's great that you're going back to the office world. As a 24 year old girl, living in North Dupont, working at a job she's supposed to love but is utterly bored at, and compensates for it by spending all my money at bars, (coincidently all my friends seem to be moving away too, maybe we're the same person?), some of my favorite of your posts were about funny/annoying things that happen at/on your way to/from work. And when you get paid more, you'll have more money to spend on fun nights that make good funny stories.
I think this is a great move for the blog, bc you'll have more material to work with, time to write, and can let things come together naturally.

Casey said...

P.S. I just sent in a donation for you. It wasn't much, at all, seeing as how I am also broke... but I figure a lot of little donations might add up! :)

Hope said...

Megostophales! If you lose your hopes and forget your dreams, the Nothing will grow stronger, and Fantasia will die.
Plus I will only have my used staple sculpture man to entertain me at work, and J. Todd Stapleman is not very funny.
Keep your chin up and please keep writing! We love you!

Anonymous said...

i LOVE this blog. You are awesome and I really think you'll get published some day!

Meghan said...

Poor Meg. Like somebody else said, for every mean comment on here, there are 25 people who read your blog every day and never take the time to tell you how much we love it. I am such a big fan and I rarely write here, but here's a story for you to prove it: my sister lives in DC, and the last time I visited her, I magically found myself in front of the Georgetown Paper Source, and I was so star-struck that I almost ran into the store yelling "MEG MCBLOGGER, DO YOU REALLY EXIST??" ...but then I didn't, because I didn't want to get arrested and/or my sister said she'd never speak to me again if I did. Anyway... I'm 29, and let me tell you something re: being single - two of my best friends who got married at 23 and 24 are now getting divorced. It is a blessing in disguise to be single in your early/mid 20's and take the time you need to find yourself/grow up WITHOUT ruining a marriage at the same time. And jobs are jobs, they exist to pay the bills; I bet 90% of the people you think love their big fancy careers actually are dreaming of quitting and becoming professional bloggers who get to use their creativity and inspire others every day instead of being corporate drones. You help the rest of us in more ways than you know, Meg!!!

Emz321 said...

Meg! I'm in love with your fans, all these commenters are awesome and make some great points! I've had two weeks of my own hell where I've shut out my family (because they're half the reason I'm in hell right now) and have been a huge crap ball of emotions I totally get it. It's definitely a part of life to go through these ups and downs, but you and your posts help me smile or feel good while I'm going through my downs and hopefully our comments can help through yours (minus the j-faces who are just mad at the world and try to bring you down). I will try to comment more often so that maybe the few ignorant opinionated comments that you get will be so insignifant by the pure volume of positive comments. Thank you for rewarding our monetary support with an awesome post today. You're going to be okay, you've got us, all these crazy loyal strangers!

Madi said...

You are awesome, Meg! Keep on going! You make so many people very happy, and your true fans will never abandon you.

Fredward said...

Unfortunately the vast majority of people will never know what it's like to be in the quandary of being successful AND being a monetary failure. Everyone can be depressed when their goals fall apart and have to face real life. Not everyone can attain their goals (because people generally suck at what they want to do) and be forced back into real life for being a penniless loser.

Have hope, because genius is sparked by the banality and mediocrity of the fisting we call everyday life (i.e., it might help to go back to "work"). You should indeed take a few weeks and kick yourself for being a failure. Then get back to work (without quotes).

Save swinging from the nerd rope for when your readership dries up. Then let the big bowl of chili you ate beforehand be your last hurrah.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and I think just about everyone who reads 2b1b feels you on the existential crisis...I know I've been there! Looking forward to next week's posts, hope the temp agencies throw you a bone soon!! :D

Courtney said...

Since you don't owe anyone ANY type of explanation for your lack of posting, we appreciate your honesty and willingness to share.

Yeah, working 9-5 (or in my case, 8-6 or 7) really sucks. I don't want to work at a computer all day and I don't want to do anything that doesn't stimulate my creativity (I love to write and design), but it's a fact of life. It doesn't make you a failure ... it makes you smart because you need to take care of yourself financially. When your bills are paid and you have a few dollars to buy pants and food, your mind will be at ease and you'll be able to focus more on your passions. You are not a failure. You have tons of readers who love you and your writing and are here everyday hoping to get a new post. Nothing about that spells failure to any of us!

This was long-winded. Sorry!

Shannon said...

life sucks, but you have so many people who love you and love this blog! When I get some money in my account (currently $2.50) I will contribute to the 2birds1blog fund. I don't know what i'd do if this blog went away.

Anonymous said...

I'm another longtime reader who has never commented before. I started reading your blog because it was funny, but one of the main reasons I still read it every day is because of posts like this - where you're open and honest about these struggles that so many of us can relate to on some level. Like everyone else, I love your blog, I creepily want to be your friend, and I really really wish you the best of luck with everything.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for another blog post-we all understand that life can give us the shits..but let's all help Meg out. Even $10 can help Meg & Chris eat :)

Katie said...

Meg-

I don't think anyone ever knows what they're doing with their life- they just act like they do.
I loved the blog from the minute my friend introduced me to it (in the middle of senior design class) and have gotten some of my co-workers hooked!!!

Keep your chin up!

Anonymous said...

Hey - you're blog's the shizz. It's gotten me through many oh boring ass days. And I love your use of italics. It's nothing short of pure literary genius. n shit.

Jess G said...

Girl. I'm feelin you girl, I'm feelin you. Friends: leaving? Getting married? Having babies? Buying houses? In successful careers? HAPPY??? Me: Broke? Scurred? Having "wtf am I doing" moments, constantly? Yes and Yes. But then I read my Meggles, and my Chris and I know it's alllll gooood baby. And if it isn't, at least I know I'm not the only one.
Love!

Kate said...

While I find this slightly disturbing, I also know how you feel about narwhals. Enjoy.


http://tinyurl.com/2dcdgfa

Stef said...

Totally not the point of your post, but. I have to say. That episode of the Golden Girls hurts me every time I watch it on youtube. (Which, coincidentally, happens every other week, because I watch all 7 seasons on repeat on youtube)

Anyway, I also paid out the ass for 2 (i reiterate...TWO) B.S.s. And I am working retail for slightly more than minimum wage for slightly less than 20 hours a week. That is barely enough to cover the gas for my 12 mile commute to pick up my paycheck. The point of my comment is that I understand your pain, and the thought of actually doubling my work hours to make real money makes me physically ill. But I know you (and I!) can do it. I have faith in you, Meg.

Anonymous said...

Meg!

I represent yet ANOTHER faithful reader/fan who has never commented. Like many before me have said - you don't owe us anything and we appreciate the laughs whenever you post :) I'm sorry things are rough right now, but we love you! I am with an above anonymous in pledging to comment more frequently because you certainly brighten my day! Keep on keepin on! xo

Anonymous said...

So when you realized your finances totaled -$28.05, you set up a paypal account so your readers could pay your bills for you? I love this blog, I really do, but that to me is so immoral.

Anonymous said...

P.S. Anonymous 3:15 - Readers commented asking her to set up the PayPal link.

Anonymous said...

I know what readers asked her to do. And if I knew that 100% of this money was going toward improving and advancing 2b1b, I'd be all for it. But after hearing about Meg's financial situation, it's quite clear that our hard earned cash is going right into her pocket to pay her bills, etc. Like I said, I love this blog, it's just a situation I question and cannot stand behind.

Susan said...

immoral? i don't really care one way or another, but i mean, what do you think all the other bloggers are using their paypal money on? i'd venture a guess and say survival. yeah, survival sounds about right.

Briana said...

Actually, Anonymous 3:15, "immoral" would look like this: Meg begs us for money to help poor starving orphans, then uses it for meth and hookers and paying off the $20K she owes her bookie.

I think the reason so many of us are excited to help Meg is that she didn't beg us for cashmoneys, she's way more honest and up-front about her situation than she has any reason to be, and she provides us with month after month of entertainment and validation.

Immoral, my ass.

Anonymous said...

for cereal, you are absolutely hilarious and I love you and if I lived in DC I would hunt you down and we would be besties. don't give up!

Mayle said...

Don't freak out. Life is shitty and you will get your break. You don't need a wedding and/or a baby to be happy.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Monica Keirn said...

immoral my ass! you're providing us all with a service - i laughed so hard at your post today, i had to fake like i was going to the bathroom in the middle of my work day so i wouldn't get caught reading your blog. i, too, am a stranger who supports you. tell the haters to suck it, there's plenty of people who've got your back. (and in turn will keep you going). but in the meantime, put your big girl pants on and get a job, it's not the end of the world. and you're not a failure. nothing great comes without a fight. keep going. don't give up.

Nicki said...

Meghan McBlogger,

Don't you ever stop blogging. It will happen. IT WILL HAPPEN. Because you? are fucking hilarious. And you? have some serious writing talent. And I? Need to stop this weird question/response format.

You can pretty much turn half of these blog entries into essays, anyway. UM, HELLO? I would buy a book called INVESTIGATING: MY LITTLE PINK BUTTON. No one reads Agatha Christie anymore. EVERYONE reads vagina. So. You'll be like the Sherlock Holmes of vaginas. Or like the Anthony Bourdain of vagina dye. Pick your own pop culture reference. I'm tired.

In summary, you have genuine talent, those assclown anonymous comment trolls are either extraordinarily jealous or really high on crystal meth/the Jesus train (either way), and vaginas sell. End of story. Kisses.

Puff said...

Ugh, Anon 3:15 way to be a total cockblock on the love fest for a down in the dumps blogger.

Crazy though it may sound, a scarce few of us do have to pay for the interwebz and shiz ain't as cheap as you'd think, $28 isn't gonna cover it and leave you with enough cheese to buy toilet paper. If Meg and Chris can't afford the internet, guess what, no posts!!! Derpalerp. Besides, no one is forcing you to donate, so if giving money to a strange skeeves you out (which I get, ish), then keep your money and thoughts to yourself.

Like my mom always said, if you don't have anything nice to say, STFU. That and, honey get mama another sherry.

Anyhow, To Meg and Chris, I'm quite happy to support a blog i read on the regular and enjoy constantly. I know times are rough and cash is scarce, and I also recognize that funding the blog, while completely voluntary, will fund your lives, and I'm totes cool with that because your lives are the source of all of the funny we all (except for some people...not going to name names....as they tend to comment anonymously and I can't) totally love.

So please keep it up, and keep your chin up. You can't make everyone happy all of the time, and you shouldn't have to try to, so don't let the haters get you down.

Santa Chiara said...

Dear Meg: always remember that, on a blog post in which you poured your heart out to your readers, the Lovers-to-Haters ratio on the comments was like 60:1. Your team has your back.

A lot of us have been where you are now, and I say this as someone who spent most of my early 20's all-too-familiar with exactly how far overdrawn you have to be before your card stops working (-$600 if you're curious) and exactly how long it took to process if I paid for my groceries by check (4 days). I'm also a working writer who loves what I do, has a reasonable amount of success and recognition, and yet makes absolutely no money off my writing so I have to have a grown-up job. Feel your feelings, sisterfriend, they are totally legit. Just know that we all love you and believe in you!

Sally said...

You are TOO FUNNY and just an all around talented writer. I'm in my 30s and I freakin' love your blog - so much of what you write is entirely true and easy to relate to. Keep fighting the good fight I hope all good things come your way and I am going to keep reading to hear about it when it happens :)

tobi said...

Ohhh Meg. Its probably weird hearing this from a total stranger (that lives in UTAH, no less) but we may have been separated at birth. Juss sayin. I love everything you write. Keep it up good ma'am.

Allison said...

Meg,

Fallback: Thunder Cunt.

Love you. I was just thinking about the time we went out and you "lost your phone" so I drove you around Bethesda for a half an hour before you realized it was in your coat pocket. You little thunder cunt.

<3

K said...

We believe in you Meg. c:
And don't worry about being too honest. Hearing about your monetary problems reminds the rest of us that we're not the only ones struggling.

Anonymous said...

<3!!

cocktailsattiffanys said...

Meg-
I 100% feel your pain. I'm 25 and pretty much jobless and the only thing that is keeping me afloat is slanging alcohol on the weekends. And by slanging alcohol I mean I dress up as a pirate and walk around with the Captain, the one from Captain Morgan and promote alcohol and drinking. It' s not enough to pay a mortgage and raise your kids on but it's enough to drink and pay bills on. I know that jager has girls that do this as well, and that they get paid $40 an hour versus my $25 an hour. I'm trying to figure out what the name of the marketing company that handles jager is through my contacts for you because I feel like it might be a win win to tide you over. Free jager + free jager stuff + money = a happy Meg?
-Gizzy

Sarah P said...

I think Young MC can handle the comment for this situation much better than I:

From frustration first inclination
Is to become a monk and leave the situation
But every dark tunnel has a lighter hope
So don't hang yourself with a celibate rope

*moment of silence*

*enlightenment reached*

Ali said...

Meg, you do what you gotta do to get by, and fuck the people who get mad at you for being human and needing to take time to get your shit together. You're a great writer and an hysterical person, you'll find a way to make yourself a success. :)

Also, I don't think donating money to the PayPal account is immoral; everyone who's doing it WANTS to help, even if that money goes towards some more chili cheese fries for Meg to make love to. I'll be making a donation myself ASAP, because after all of the hours I've spent laughing my ass off from the hilarious things Meg and Chris say, I'm more than happy to help them out financially. (From one poor, struggling twenty-something to another).

Anonymous said...

Rock steady Meg & TC, rock steady.
Best,
A jealous, lover not hater, girl of both of your writing skillz.
RW in NYS

Anonymous said...

Meg McBlogger,
You crack my shit up. Thank you.
I also had to put my dream on hold and get a "fer realz" job in order to stay fed and housed. It sucks, I hate it, and you are where I was a year ago. I promise, it's going to get better and one day you can leave the real job and go back to the ultimate goal. Which I really, REALLY hope is writing and updating this blog three times a day so I can laugh my ass off regularly. At mealtimes. Just a suggestion....

All the love in the world to you, lady (and Tulane Chris!)

lauren said...

Bahahaha, that whole "immoral" comment is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. UMM if Meg was unable to pay her bills, she wouldn't be able to continue with 2b1b....so yea, I'd say the PayPal donations are inadvertently contributing to the blog, ass.

Anyway, love you lots Meg! And you are not alone in the whole completely-broke-wtf-am-I-doing-with-my-life-I-have-too-many-emotions-feelings hahaha.

Keep up the fantastic work!

Samantha Fuchs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sam said...

Things will get better, I promise! Whenever things get me down I always think "boring lives make boring stories, anyway" and somehow it makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Thanks for this blog, by the way. I'm more of a lurker than a commenter, so I haven't really said it before but you never fail to bring a smile to my face. And for that I'm eternally grateful. <3333

2b1b4ever<3

Anonymous said...

Meg,

Thanks for consistently making me feel more NORMAL than I have ever felt in my life. You are the voice of so many of us struggling to make ends meet, struggling to find direction, struggling for validation and struggling for "success." For so many of us feeling like we are in this alone, you are a constant reminder that we are all in this together. Thanks for that, and for making me laugh just about every day.

Don't ever stop writing...about diarrhea or otherwise.

Anonymous said...

God punishes those who suck, ANON 3:15

Anonymous said...

Meggggg, this blog is literally the funniest thing I've ever read. you are hysterical and make SOOOO many people happy everyday! Not everyone can say that they make so many people laugh! Keep up the amazing work!

Marie said...

Hey Meggles,

Keep you head up, and remember that happiness is not defined by what you have, but how you feel about your life. I have a nice finance job in NYC with a fancy looking apartment and a long-distance boyfriend and (besides him) I'm miserable.

Life is really about the relationships you have with other people, having fun times, feeling loved and supported by your family, all of which you have. Money really can't buy happiness - all it really does is keep a roof over your head, keep you fed, and fuels even better times with people you love. I was happier with less money and more time with my friends, all of which I left for "a better life" in NYC. All that really matters is if you're happy, regardless of how you reach that, and regardless of how other people judge you.

Best of luck, don't quick believing.

<3 Long time reader, mostly too lazy to comment

Anonymous said...

Meg- you're awesome and an awesome writer. Why don't you contract out your writing services? I'm applying to graduate school now and would definitely pay you some cash money for you to look over my application essays. I'm sure other people could use advising help on tons of other things too. What you write every day may not be super appropriate for admissions officers to read but it's clear you've got a skill and my guess is that you could capitalize on it and generate some revenue.

Alyssa Rizzini said...

the last 6 lines of this post made my DAY

Anonymous said...

Don't give up!!! I have been living in rural rural Andean mountains and unable to read the blog for weeks and came back to this--don't leave us!!! We need you like you need Jack Daniels pjs.

Anonymous said...

I love the blog and really feel for your situation. I was all set to donate until I just saw that you were getting your eyebrows done- since I haven't had enough extra cash to do that for about, 3 years or so, my donation will have to wait til I dig myself out of my overwhelming debt and am able to book my own trip to the waxer without massive guilt.

Anonymous said...

Hold the phone. You're in massive debt, bitching about how you don't have any money, but you're still paying to get your eyebrows done? Why not save that money for something actually important like, I don't know, bills? Food? The blog becoming a success? And in the meantime, pluck like the rest of us poor fucks.

Priorites.

Santa Chiara said...

Speaking as someone who cannot function as a human being without shelling out the exactly $8 it costs me to get my eyebrows waxed, I say unto thee, take it out of the donation that I made. There, you guys. I sent Meg money and gave her permission to use it on waxing. Nobody gets to be mad.

--Claire

Kristin said...

My BF and I heart you times a million, Meg. Things routinely heard around our apt:

"Y'know, without Meg, we wouldn't even have a reason to still watch Jersey Shore."

"Riley (our dog) was such a pain in the butt last night." "But as least he's not as bad as Evie right?" "So true."

"No, no seriously: I saw this on Queer Abby."

Thank you for writing this post and kicking us in the butt to finally donate and buy some fly stickers. We may be your only readers (to reluctantly reside) in Texas, but we love you enough for the whole lone star state!

Anonymous said...

you put up a paypal without so much of a "hey guys, i am creating a paypal account it would be awesome if you could donate to keep the blog running!" then you bitch about your finances (guess what - we've all been/are there!). and then with your -$28.05 balance in your bank account you take our money and get your eyebrows done?? why not telling us what you plan to do with OUR hard earned cash. i donated and now completely regret doing so. i forgo things like an eyebrow wax, and used money i could have used for that to support this blog. NOT your grooming.

katie said...

Where did I miss where Meg went to get her eyebrows waxed?

Meg's Twin Meaghan said...

Meg, take solace in the following:

1) M'Lady. Dear Lord, M'Lady. This post had me keeled over with laughter in a (nearly) empty lounge in Kogod. KEELED OVER. As in near death. You are an amazing writer, and I have no doubt that you will get your break soon. You are too talented not to be shared with the world.

2) You currently have (significantly) more money than I currently have in my bank account and EagleBucks/UnicornDollars. Like, I'm trying to get through the week with the clothes I have, because I don't think I have enough money to do laundry here. So there's that.

3) TDR Thanksgiving!!!!!!!1!!!!1!1.

4) Express your feelings all you want. Seriously, we readers have made a huge emotional investment in you. You help us get through emotional typhoons in our own lives with your hilarity. As such, we care about what happens in your life. We will support you no matter what. FO REAL.

5) On that note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKsVSBhSwJg&feature=channel
You're welcome.

In short, hang in there, and keep following your dreams. We'll always be here to help them come true.

Love,
Meaghan

katie said...

Oh, found it on twitter. That's right. I creeped all over the blog/fb page/ twitter to find out why people got so upset. But girl, I feel ya, sometimes an eyebrow wax heals you. Best 12 bucks I spend. So those of you who begrudge a girl some pampering. Y'all go fuck y'alls-selves. Love everything about you meghan mcblogger. And believe me, if I ever get to DC I will hunt you down and take you out for drinks and we'll get wastefaced together!

Anonymous said...

Kristin,

I'm in Dallas! Woo 2b1b Army in Texas! (note: I'm not woo-ing for Texas, I'm woo-ing for not being the only 2b1b fan in Texas.)

M

ps- Meg, I would buy a 2b1b anthology for myself and everyone I know and read it OBSESSIVELY. You could be the next PostSecret but less depressing, and more snarky. :)

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:18. You suck. No one FORCED you to donate. Again, not a subscription. Next time don't contribute if you just do it so that you can guilt trip The Birds. You donate knowing it will go to the ongoing health and well being (and beauty/booze) of the birds. They get sad, they don't post. If a wax is all it takes to keep the posts rolling out regularly then go get your wax on, Miss McBlogger!

Anonymous said...

Meg & TC rock.
Thank you for making me laugh.
What more could one ask.
Best,
Rebecca

Lauren @ In Her Two Shoes said...

Dear Meg,

I feel exactly like you do in this whole let's-get-the-life-I-really-wanted-off-the-ground thing. I hope you'll keep blogging about "real shit" like this and let us all know about your ups and downs. I know I'd love to read it.

Anonymous said...

not trying to be demanding because i know homegirl is in a fragile place-but i would still love to see that picture of you from middle school meg. i think it will give everybody the cathartic laugh they need.

Meg said...

I always want to comment and tell you that you're awesome, but I feel like other comments really set a bar of hilarity that I can never achieve in my own comments!

That being said, I do think you're awesome and will try to stop lurking from here on out! I think I've said before that I love how we're both the same age, from suburban Maryland, etc., but I'll say it again... so, you know, I think we're kindred spirits.

Great post, and sending you good vibes!

Sara said...

Meg! I am one of those same people who read religiously and never comment. I look forward to your blog everyday. I could never do what you do, so I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your life with us. I know you will work everything out and I am sending good vibes your way. :)

Anonymous said...

This eyebrow waxing issue is completely absurd. Anyone else remember the thing where Meg is trying to get a JOB? No one gets hired for any position with even moderate amounts of responsibility with outta control eyebrows. If you don't look like you can groom yourself, you don't look like someone that's worth more than minimum wage.

Haven't any of you people gone for a job interview before?!

Anonymous said...

Your blog is amazing! Your Jersey Shore recaps are pretty much the highlight of my week. Thank you for putting it all out there!

Anonymous said...

MEG. seriously. stick with it. you are so incredibly talented, and i know shit gets frustrating, but you have such a bright writing future.

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH (it hurts).

thislittlebirdie said...

Meg,

You are fantastic. FAN-damn-tastic. You are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggone it, people like you. Way to keep it real, sister.

Keep getting back in the ring like Rocky XXXVI. We're in your corner.

xo

808marty said...

I wanted to comment sooner but held off until I made a donation. Unfortunately I too am extremely broke and had to wait till the 15th for pay day.
However, I felt that I should comment because I think I have a realistic solution for you to make some $. I don't know if anyone has previously suggested this but you should really print your blog and sell it in book form. I know what you are thinking, 'what a dumb ass, who the hell would pay to read something that they could read for free.' Well, I would for one and apparently a lot of other people are willing to as well. Just look at 'My Boring Ass Life' by Kevin Smith. He printed his blog and made it all the way up to the number 32 spot on the New York Times best seller list. I actually paid money for the book (because it made for a good bathroom reader...TMI?) and let me tell you, he ain't got shit on you. If he made it to number 32, you could definitely be number 1. Think about it.

ashzilla said...

Girl, I know I suck for not reading lately and I'm commenting on something way late and you'll probably never see it, but I know TONS of people who are wondering the same things you are at all different phases of life. You rock and are totally awesome!!! You will get a book deal or something. If you could learn to channel these posts into a stand up gig, you would take off with it! Sending love to you from Florida (where a few coworkers also read you)!!! <3

Lauren said...

Meg! I can totally relate to how you're feeling, but clearly you have a huge amount of supporters so keep on doing what you're doing! You're very talented, and it will all work out!!

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