10.27.2010

Worst of Netflix: The Human Centipede: First Sequence

Few countries get as consistently good press as the Netherlands. Smiling blond capitalists, neat as a pin among their dykes and windmills, offering legal drugs and regulated prostitutes. One of the few European countries that fought a war of independence, they won their freedom from the haughty, unpopular Spaniards and spent a long time as a content little republic before becoming a content little kingdom. Their royal family, the House of Orange-Nassau, regularly spits out pleasant little queens with adorable names: Wilhelmina, Juliana, Beatrix. They own a few little Caribbean islands and have an nice, funny-looking language with a lot of “aa,” “oo,” and “ij.” A sane, cozy oasis between sour, bureaucratic Belgium and will-they-do-it-again Germany, it’s the jewel in Europe’s crown.

Or so we all thought before a Dutchman wrote and directed The Human Centipede: First Sequence. As you read the following review, keep in mind that this was, by a comfortable margin, the movie most requested for Worst of Netflix. It was not my idea.

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The Human Centipede: First Sequence: After their car breaks down while in Germany, Americans Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) wind up at a remote villa -- and soon find themselves trapped in a nightmare. Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser) kidnaps them for his demented experiment to create a human "centipede." The plan includes removing their kneecaps so they must walk on all fours, then surgically connecting them to a Japanese man to create a bizarre human chain.

The screenplay is essentially one giant bunt, assuming that people won’t be bored by the low-dialogue script or annoyed by the parts that don’t make sense if they’re too disturbed by the vivisection and coprophagia. It doesn’t lend itself well to summary, but I’ll try:

We open with a long, moody shot – the first of many. This one is of a highway. We paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, at a snail’s pace, to a car, where a man is looking at pictures of dogs lined up, one behind the other. A truck driver pulls over to have a bowel movement in the shrubbery (God, Europeans and their comfort with the human body), and the man in the car gets out and shoots him with a tranquilizer dart, mid-movement. A sane man would wait until his quarry was finished for obvious reasons of cleanliness, but the shooter’s nervous twitches and plug-ugliness have already marked him as A Villainous Madman, so there we are.

We cut to those glorious archetypes who blaze like shooting stars across the firmament of low-grade shock features: two slutty American girls abroad. Remember those old social studies textbooks that listed the major imports and exports of every country? “Niger. Exports: uranium, camels. Imports: UN aid, Marxist revolutionaries, camels.” Do you know why they stopped publishing those? Because it was too embarrassing to read “United States of America. Exports: Oblivious young women who leave cheap eyeshadow streaked across foreign pillowslips, democracy. Imports: tin, low-wage workers.” These particular young women have names, but I missed them, so we’ll call them Curly Hair and Straight Hair. As we meet them, they’re both on the phone: Curly with the hotel concierge, asking for driving directions to a nightclub called “Bunker;” Straight with a friend “back home.” This conversation with Back Home lets her explain that they’re in Germany (Exports: the Holocaust, luxury cars. Imports: Turks) and are going to “party” for a couple of days before moving on to Italy (Exports: Catholicism, news stories about corrupt politicians. Imports: tourists). But they bought her a present in Holland! No, they’re not going to tell her what it is. (Holland. Exports: souvenir clogs. Imports: slabs of unfinished clog-grade wood.)

Curly and Straight are next seen driving in the woods. Why is there a forest between the hotel and a popular nightclub? Were post-war German cities rebuilt that decentralized – “Firebomb this, assholes?” They have a flat tire, if you can believe it. Neither of them knows how to change it, which pissed me off. Everyone should know how to do that, especially A Woman Alone, and even if you technically don’t know how, it’s not too hard to figure out. A car pulls up next to them, and a fat man in a wifebeater sexually harasses them in German. I suppose this is meant to highlight their vulnerability in a foreign land, or something, but it really just confuses the viewer. The man’s first line is “I have a hot video of you sluts together” – it turns out to just be talk, but for a minute the viewer wonders if there’s going to be a Lesbian porn subplot. (If only.)

The harasser drives off, and Curly and Straight have an argument about if they’re going to get out and walk or wait in the car until morning. Ultimately, they decide to walk. Not along the road, through the woods. Darwin works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform… After a lot of whining, they find a house in the woods, kind of. It has a well-manicured lawn and is clearly in some nice little suburb of Rotterdam. It doesn’t look like it’s in the middle of the woods at all, but there we are.

The girls knock, and the door is answered by the dart-shooter from earlier. A lot of empty-calorie “ominous” dialogue follows:

“Do you live here with your wife?”

“No. I don’t like… human beings.” (I know how he feels.)

…….

“Are you girls here alone?”

“Yes, we’re alone.” (Is it too soon for another Charles Darwin joke?)

with the end result that the Mad Scientist roofies the girls (one rohypnol in a shared glass of water disables them both in less than five minutes) and they wake up tied to hospital beds. The crapping truck driver from earlier is in a third bed. The Mad Scientist announces that he is to be killed because he “does not match” – presumably this refers to tissue type, but one hopes he means that his coloring clashes with the rug. A disjointed little clump of scenes follows in which the Mad Scientist kills the truck driver, buries him, and then arrives at the house (his departure isn’t shown) with a captive Japanese man. I’ll apologize here for all the dashes and parentheses. Ideally the writing would be smoother, but it’s that kind of movie. If I told you about it in person, I’d be overusing “apparently,” “it turns out,” and “for some reason.” And, of course, “to my horror.”

The Japanese man turns out to be the star of the show. Since all his lines are in Japanese, (the rest of the movie is in German, English, and terrified grunts) we can’t tell if he’s saying dumb shit like everyone else, so he can just emote with abandon. During this scene, the subtitles report one of his lines as “The Japanese possess incredible strength when backed into a corner!” He repeats this Dragonball Z war cry as the Mad Scientist sets up a light projector, the kind you had in elementary school, and explains how he intends to turn the three of them into a human centipede. This idea occurred to him during his illustrious career separating Siamese twins – if you pay attention, you’ll note that the paintings in his house are of conjoined fetuses. He practiced this centipedification with his three Rottweilers earlier, and is now ready to move on to humans. In short, he plans to cut the tendons in their knees to force them to walk on all fours, and, uh. Uh. May Chaucer forgive me for using English to write this sentence: He intends to sew the anus of the preceding segment to the mouth of the next, joining them by the digestive tract. I admit, I didn’t see that coming. I imagined some kind of chest-to-lower-back graft, but I suppose that isn’t upsetting enough.

Straight Hair manages to escape, setting up the standard girl-runs-from-madman chase plot – except he catches her, and goes ahead with the surgery, creating the human centipede. This is about half an hour into the movie, leaving an hour for an extended reflection on how awful it would be to be a human centipede. I refuse to describe any more. That awful implication that just occurred to you? It happens. Whatever it is, it happens. The only detail I’ll give is that we see the dog-centipede’s grave, marked “Mein Leibe 3-Hund.”

I’ll admit, I watched much of the latter two-thirds of the movie on double speed. I lost nothing: the dialogue was in Japanese or German since the English-speaking characters lost the use of their voices. The lazy, luxurious camerawork drags a fifty-minute movie into an hour and a half. Looooong shot of the centipede undergoing something appalling. Looooong shot of the room. Nonsensical cut to the Mad Scientist, doing something mad. Rinse, repeat.

I watched the bonus features, which was a mistake of nearly the same magnitude as the movie itself.

Casting tapes: The two American girls’ audition. It’s the worst audition I’ve ever seen. “You have a LOVELY… home?”

Deleted scene: As the centipede waits in the background, the Mad Scientist does a prancing little dance around the living room.

Foley session: A shirtless Dutchman shows an unseen narrator the various meats he intends to use for special effects. This includes a cow’s leg and a skinned, jawless sheep’s head, neither of which were in apparent use during the film.

Interview with the director: He’s wearing a silly hat. He got the idea for the movie from “a running joke,” when he would see “a child molester or something on TV” and tell his friends the molester-or-something deserved “to have his mouth sewn to the anus of a fat truck driver.” Not that the truck driver’s wishes are considered, or anything. He must be a blast at parties. “This crab dip is terrible! Whoever made it should be refashioned into a monstrous oddity by a sadistic surgeon playing God.” He thinks a Hollywood remake should star Tom Cruise, Jennifer Lopez, and Paris Hilton as the centipede (no argument there) and plans a “more disturbing” sequel which will feature a twelve-person ‘pede. He claims that the movie is 100% medically accurate, which it isn’t. Tissue types are very hard to match across race, and if he didn’t tissue-match them and put them on anti-rejection drugs, they’d have a brutal immune response to each other’s bodies.

So. There’s The Human Centipede. I take a little comfort in the fact that the actors did have to spend weeks with their faces in each other’s asses. The writer/director is named Tom Six, and the producer is Ilona Six. Two more “Sixes” are thanked in the closing credits, which opens the alarming possibility that this was a family project. I don’t even really know if I thought the movie was bad. There’s no character development or explanation of anything, but it set out to disturb and it did. Also, and this sounds like a backhanded compliment, the lighting was really good. I’m too wrung out to close this properly – all I can think of is the fact that Queen Anne called her Amsterdam-born brother-in-law “the Dutch Abortion” and how bad I am at the arcade classic “Centipede.” (I get distracted shooting the mushrooms.) Also, I want my mother. This is more a reflex than a considered decision; my mother is the kind of person who’d point out medical inaccuracies during the move, and then want to talk about how it made us feel. I want someone else’s mother, who will just read me Jemima Puddleduck untli I forget all about The Human Centipede.

73 comments:

Stephanie said...

today marks the first time I have blatantly ignored a 2b1b post. I read the first & last paragraphs and I refuse to read the middle in much the same way that I watch horror movie previews: with my eyes scrunched up tight and my head shaking back & forth in a tiny little "nuh-uh, no way" reflex.

but at the same time, hey thanks, Chris. As an avid 2b1b reader, I feel pretty loved that you actually watched that for "us" (even though I was one of the ones screaming don't do it). You're the man!

Malisams said...

I watched this movie with a couple of friends, thinking it was going to be a shitty horror flick that we could make fun of, MST3K-style, and laugh and laugh.

I have never been more wrong in my entire life. And I am still disturbed to this day.

I may never laugh again.

Anonymous said...

Meg hasn't posted in almost 2 weeks! Don't get me wrong, I love 2birds1blog and will never not be a loyal follower, but if Meg is really trying to make this her "bread and butter" and she says a 2 week disappearance with no explanation makes readers sad :( Especially ones who thrive on reading her posts at a boring job!

still love your writing though and only make that comment cause I want more!

toppe said...

i will never no matter what ever see this movie. but i need to know, how do the bodies fit together?? is it ass to mouth?? is there pooping involved?! i need to know these things without seeing it because it grosses me out way too much, but maaaan am i curious.

Anonymous said...

Jen (I know your first name cause Meg links to you all the time... unless this is another Toppe, like a sister, in which case... Toppe -- ) -- Yes and yes. Wikipedia it and you should get all the info you need. I was... disturbed.

Anonymous said...

I read the wiki for this movie and no thank you. Just, no. Love the reviews and synopsis! Bring on the TC posts! (is there a new pecking order within the 2 birds?)

(re)becca said...

I've already read the Wikipedia summary for this movie, which is more than I ever needed to know. But I LOVED the exports and imports you listed, Chris. Can you get together with Meg and, using her design skills, make a map of the world labeling each country with these?? Ideally in pictogram form - I can't be the only one who remembers world maps in her elementary school textbook that had little bales of wheat and gold nuggets hovering over Brazil (or whatever country exports food and gold - my memory is not as strong on the details). I desperately want to see a pictogram representing the oblivious young women.

allison said...

Chris, your intro the the Netherlands = best. thing. ever. Great post! Shitty movie!

~Jamie said...

Fuck. This. Movie.

Seriously... *shudder*

Marta said...

I finally got this FREAKING movie out of my brain and you bring it right back. IT'S HORRIBLE and makes me want to cut the part of my brain out that read and remembers the plot. That said, I could thank you for taking one for the team and watching it, but I'd thank you MORE if you erased this movie from existence.

Otherwise, thanks for bringing the Tulane flavor to 2b1b. love it.

nova said...

"centipedification" hahaha! Good one.

Anonymous said...

Agreed on the import/export list - amazing!

Anonymous said...

I like you Chris but we miss our first bird. If she has time to tweet, she should have time to blog. We all know she's not working.

LB said...

Ugh, ditto Stephanie. Can't. Look. And just when I think I'v forgotten about it, someone has to go and write about it/gif it/show me anything resembling a centipede and my sphincter tightens on command.

Groooooooooooss.

That said, love ya 2B!

Jennifer said...

Anon 10:48
maybe she is tired of everyone criticizing her? (not you...per se) but everyone keeps hollering about her not having a job and her having time and not posting enough yada yada yada. all i know, is if some of those recent comments were directed at me, i would have already deleted this blog. BOOM.

Anonymous said...

I think commenting that we want her to blog more is a compliment! I love Meg's writing and I just want to be able to read it on a consistent basis. Of course everyone understands if she goes through a lull every now and again, but two weeks is kind of a long time. It just shows that people are invested in 2b1b

Erin said...

I want more Tulane Chris posts!

whit said...

Um, are we ignoring the fact that Meg has been super sick? (per friday's post)

This is one of the great things about 2b1b - when 1b is mia for a while, the other can handle it!

Karinza said...

You rock, Chris! Thank you for being our guinea pig!

toppe said...

anon 11:38

thank you! (and yes, this is jen)

from wiki:
"While seeking funding for the film, Tom Six pitched the idea of a surgeon who sewed people together,[7] but he did not initially reveal that the victims would be joined mouth-to-anus, fearing that it would put off potential investors. His backers did not learn the exact details of the film until it had been completed.[3] Before signing on, the actors were given an outline of the film's storyboard rather than a complete script.[12]"

can you imagine signing on for a movie, totally excited for your big break, only to find out you would be seen by people world wide with your face stuck to someone elses ass?! this BOGGLES my mind.

kristyn said...

I am horrified and intrigued. I just know that I'll end up watching this movie eventually, and then I won't sleep well for a while, and then I'll have a mostly unfounded fear of Europeans and the Japanese.

Damn you and your enchanting writing.

Emz321 said...

Tulane Chris I loved the import/exports. You're great I love this blog!

Anonymous said...

Shes super sick yet TC's last post mentions that Meg was getting wasted at Ren Fest? Maybe my timing is off and ren fest was awhile ago.... still no post ever days does not make for a good blog!

Anonymous said...

i read the first and last paragraph in between. based just of yesterdays and todays comments i'm too chicken to read the post. or watch the movie.


now i feel like i'm missing out. am i?

Anonymous said...

yeah, i can't read this.

Kelly said...

LOVED this post! Even the comments were effing heeelarious! TC rocks my socksss :)

kwags said...

"He thinks a Hollywood remake should star Tom Cruise, Jennifer Lopez, and Paris Hilton as the centipede (no argument there"

My favorite part of this post is the Director waxed on a Hollywood remake.

Anonymous said...

You get better with every post, TC. I think one of the things I like best about 2b1b is that there are two different voices, so it keeps it fresh. You were gone for awhile, so we (I) missed your voice...and now it's back! We know eventually Meg will be back too, but regardless I know I'm in for excellent writing!

Anonymous said...

i totally think you should make an imports/exports world map!!!

those were the best part of the post! maybe you could do an "around the world" with tulane chris?

Kate said...

I'm sorry. But I CAN'T read this. I'm so torn. I love your posts, but this "movie" pretty much ruined my summer and sent me into a horrible (OCD induced) depression for a little while.
Blugh.

Anonymous said...

Imports/exports was damn hilarious and I fully support the picto-map. Love it. Makes up for the fact that you made us all think about this heinous movie (but then, the blame really lies with the people who voted for it.) Thanks for keeping the blog alive TC!

Caroline said...

So many points to make.

1. YAY TULANE CHRIS! I have to admit, I was definitely rooting against a review of this movie after researching it, but your post was great! And people can't complain because Lord do I remember when everyone was practically on their knees begging you to review this movie. Pressure was on. Also I LOVED your internet dating experience post!! Mazel tov.

2. To the person that said "if she has time to tweet, she has time to blog" I say, do you know how to use Twitter? I'm not even an active user..but aren't you limited to like 140 characters??? Pretty sure 140 characters does not equal a thoughtfully written, hilarious, well-edited blog post.

3. To meg - hope you're feeling better and the job hunt is going well! And hope you're able to laugh at all the haters...kind of sad how upset some people get about a blog. You'd think someone had stopped delivering the New York Times and all television news stations had shut down. Come on people. I love Meg and Chris as much as the rest of us, but don't you have better things to do than let the absence of a blog post catalyst you into rage? Life is short. Try to enjoy it! Sheesh.

stewy said...

I'm holding out for Human Centipede: 3D!

cocktailsattiffanys said...

I had heard of this movie before, I hadn't heard really what it was about, only, "OMG HUMAN CENTIPEDE," I didn't know it was gross or disturbing, I honestly was expecting it to be kind of like that show "Hole In The Wall" where they dress the people up like baked potatoes and make them jump thru weird shaped holes into a pool, I don't know why, but, can I say thank you Tulane Chris for watching this so I didn't have to, it was not what I was expecting and I pretty much owe you my first born for this favor.

Anonymous said...

Best worst of netflix post EVER.

Robba said...

Point of order:

1)"Netherlands...a sane, cozy oasis...spent a long time as a content little republic before becoming a content little kingdom"

The Dutch enjoy a reputation as the most inhumane empire in colonial history. That's no small thing.

2)"May Chaucer forgive me for using English to write this sentence..."

That guy wrote stories about people farting in each others' faces. He can't be the gold standard of good taste.

Bridget said...

Well guess what, you'll never get it out of your mind now. I told you you'd be fucked. I was lying in bed all night with visions of mouths sewed to anuses stuck in my head. And because I'm STILL not ready to really talk about it, my asshole husband has this little gem of a game where he works human centipede quotes into everything. while petting the dog: "my sweet three-dog." while handing out drinks at the bar: "muaha, rohyphnol." when sitting down to dinner: "FEED HER."

Dude is fucked up. blegh.

Briana said...

a) Tulane Chris, this was a fabulous post. I haven't seen this movie, and like sleeping at night, so I don't intend to... now I don't have to! Also, to echo everyone else - best intro ever. Well done, sir. Thank you.

b) Anonymous 10/27 at 3:19 PM - TC did post something recently that said Meg was at Ren Fest. However, we know from previous posts that Meg and TC will write some of their posts in advance for later posting. Not that I know Meg or what she's been up to, but it is quite possible that she was getting wasted at Ren Fest before she got the plague or whatever she might currently be recovering from. Anyways, I will assume Meg is too ill to write until it is proven otherwise. On that note, get well soon Meg! We miss you.

Anonymous said...

So my morning ritual basically includes rolling out of bed, desperately groping in the semi-dark for a cup of coffee, and reading 2b1b while I eat breakfast.

Let's just say that this post may make me reconsider the breakfast part.

Great post, Chris, but MAN does this movie sound horrible. Am I the only one that's not a huge fan of Worst of Netflix because the movies usually include at least one disgusting scene description that puts me off, you know, eating all day? Again, Chris, you're hilarious and you did the best anyone possibly could with such horrible material, but idk, I like other recurring posts better.

Lindsay said...

Horrifying description of the Human Centipede aside, the best part of this post was the exports/imports of various countries. So good. I would love to read a giant list.

Anonymous said...

FYI tried to netflix it and there is currently a "short wait"... I think the director should be thanking you for this post!

Laylapalooza said...

@Bridget - That's hysterical.

TC, thanks for reaffirming my decision to never watch this movie.

Anonymous said...

tulane chris-

great.

gross.

i am trying to figure out the order in which those two words describe this post.

loved (you) /hated (human centipede) it.

KT said...

This movie got a shoutout on Community last night!

Anonymous said...

You could've dressed up as human centipede for halloween!!

http://www.holytaco.com/18-halloween-costume-alternatives-poor-and-lazy

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tudo bem? li imenso o teu blog, estás de parabéns!
Continua o bom trabalho

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