[Sorry this is late. I tried to illegally download Spun and it crashed everything on my computer and I almost set my apartment on fire. Which is one of the more embarrassing reasons to be late with a blog post, but at least it's honest.]
I was, and still am, at a complete loss re: last week's Queer Abby questions. They were all about relationships. But like, loving, mature, adult relationships. That's not so much my area of expertise. Questions about hating your job, depression, casual hook ups, fake hair, gummy cuisine, or 1970's soap operas? I'm your girl. Debating whether or not you should stay with the one you love? I immediately feel uncomfortable and say good day to you, sir. When it comes to Queer Abby, I can usually handle 1/3 questions about real-people relationships, but all three? Ooof, that's a tall order. Ergo, I brought in someone this week who's slightly more knowledgeable on this subject matter—my mom, of married for 37 years fame. (Actually, we did this last Wednesday night when I come home from happy hour considerably drunker than I meant to. I don't 100% remember this conversation, but I'm pretty impressed with myself for transcribing it so meticulously. Meg McBlogger: you surprise me.)
Meg: Hi mom. Sorry this is happening so late, I got significantly drunker at happy hour than I thought. But I got Gatorade and fiber cereal at CVS afterwards, so I feel like we can power through this. [Note: that fiber cereal was one of the worst drunk decisions I've ever made. I got Fiber One Caramel Delight because in my drunken state I was like, "HEY-O, it's like a Cinnamon Toast Crunch that'll make me shit until I'm skinny! I'm on board with that!" Uh, no. It tastes like what I imagine licking a caramel flavored old person to be like.]
Diane: Well at least you're honest. Drunk honest.
Meg: I feel so incredibly sick. I don't know why I drank pumpkin flavored beer.
D: Wow. I sure as hell don't either. Who did you go to Happy Hour with?
D: Oh, lovely.
M: It was.
D: I'm glad.
M: Me too.
D: Alright, let's get this over with.
D: Well, when you commit yourself to someone else, that doesn't mean you will not be attracted to other people.
M: WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. Time out. Is this your subtle way of telling me that you've cheated on Dad?
D: I'm not talking about me, Meghan.
M: Damn straight. Proceed.
D: Although you might be attracted to other people, it's the strength of your commitment that will determine whether you say, "Oh he's really cute," or if you decide, "Hey, I'm not that committed to Joe Blow after all," and go after this guy. Because you'll always be exposed to other people and there will always be really handsome, really cool guys out there. But that's what making a commitment to someone means: that you won't act on it. But if you feel strongly that you should act on it; then you should act on it. I just think it matters how seriously she's taking this commitment to this other guy. If the first time he's away some hot guy walks across her path and she feels tempted, maybe she should question it.
M: I don't know what "I feel weird about it" means. That's vague.
D: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I know people who sustained bicoastal relationships and it's worked, and I know people who have tried and it hasn't worked. Me personally? I'd always be wondering.
M: Well you and Dad did a DC/New York long distance thing for a while. Did you ever feel tempted to cheat on him?
D: No. I mean, I never really went to clubs though; I was just hanging out. I never felt tempted. Once I've made a commitment to somebody, that's that. I certainly appreciate a good looking man--still can. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy life, but I'd never act on it. There's too much at stake it would be wrong.
M: Well, you couldn't. You and Dad had to get married and bless the world with the magic that is Meghan McBlogger.
D: [Laughs] Right.
D: I think she needs to examine her sense of commitment to this guy and really think about the fact that when you're committed to someone, you don't stop finding people attractive, but you stop acting on it.
M: Do you believe in breaks?
D: I think that's just a way of saying, "I want to cheat, I want to sleep with someone else, but I don't want to cheat, so let's do this for a while." Again, I know people who have done it and gotten back together and those who haven't. It really puts a relationship to a test.
M: It did for Ross and Rachel.
M: Ross and Rachel! "Friends"!
D: Oh. True. I need to clip Evie's claws.
M: Where is she?
D: Sitting in my lap, being a good girl.
M: Oh, hey buddy!
D: I think you're kidding yourself when you say, "Let's take a break. Let's say let's not be exclusive with each other, but let's still be in each other's life."
M: Yeah, but do you think there's anything wrong with that?
D: No. I just think she has to figure out how she feels. Nobody can tell her that. She should come to a few realizations about her feelings before she brings it to him. Don't go up to him and say, "Hey! I'm not sure if I love you!" You figure out what you're comfortable with and then tell him, "I've been examining the situation and I feel like this and I hope it's OK with you."
M: So what you're trying to tell me is that this girl has some serious soul searching to do. Skippin' rocks. Long walks on the beach in cable knit sweaters clutching herself. Sitting on park benches watching children play with a far away look on her face.
D: Right...Ooo, Evie sees a stink bug!
D: What would you do?
M: If I'm being completely honest, I'd stay with him. But I think that's mostly because I'm not a particularly intelligent person and I don't want to be alone.
D: I feel like it's probably he'll do it again. You can never be certain, but it's probable. I mean, he already admitted he had no intentions of telling her he did it.
M: Yeah, but again, being 100% honest, if I got drunk one night and made out with some dude who wasn't my boyfriend, I don't think the next day I'd sit my boyfriend down at a Caribou and be like, "Oh, by the way, I should probably tell you that I made out with some dude last night. XOXOXO."
D: No, but that makes the other person feel like a total idiot when they find out. Humiliated and angry. Hurt and really mad.
M: If this were me and my boyfriend made out with some random ho, what would you tell me to do?
D: It's hard because you just never know. I tend to think that people show their true colors when they're drunk.
M: My true colors are greatly regretting the combination of nachos and pumpkin beer.
D: If he didn't have a problem doing it once, he won't have a problem doing it again. It's one of those things where he'll be sorry he got caught, but not sorry it happened. I think there's some men who don't have the same ethics. They think it's fine if they don't get caught. Like, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. And if she's going to be worried about this for the rest of their relationship, then she owers it to herself to be in a better relationship. I agree with Amy on that.
M: So quit wasting her own time and move on?
D: I wouldn't put it that way or she'll be hurt.
D: She should have more respect for herself than to do that. He should think enough of her that he wouldn't do that to her, whether he planned to or not. Something in his head should say, "this would really hurt her and I shouldn't do it." Cheating on someone is incredibly disrespectful. It's not necessarily saying, "you're not enough for me," it's just saying, "I'm going to do whatever I want without regard to how it's going to respect you." If he did it once, I tend to think he'll do it again.
M: Do you think she's dumb if she stays?
D: I don't think she's dumb, I just think she should think enough of herself that she should want to be treated well all of the time, whether he's drunk or sober.
M: Damn, wise words mom.
D: Now I'll probably get all of the horrible comments, right?
M: Shit, welcome to the club!
M: I respect that.
D: Alright. Now go make that funny.
M: Mom, I'm going to be honest with you again. I don't think I can make this funny because I think I'm going to go vomit up nachos and pumpkin beer instead.
D: ...............Goodnight, Meghan.
M: Night mom!
And then I threw up. And spent the entire next day throwing up. Soooo, there's that.
Got a question for Meg and Queer Abby? Meg may or may not answer it because she's a stunted adult who doesn't have serious relationships with people and instead makes unique decisions like binge drinking pumpkin beer and ghetto nachos because she's having a rough week. So she makes her mom answers your questions instead. And then edits it a bottle of wine deep because she's pissed off about her computer crashing mid Spun download. Don't you want advice from someone like that?? Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!