10.14.2010

You Know What Ruffles My Feathers?: The "Let it Go" Edition

The story I'm about to tell you would be included in my list of all-time grudges, except it's not really a grudge against one specific person. It's a grudge against an entire situation. It's a situational grudge, if you will. But that doesn't mean I'm going going to tell it. Ha ha, no sir. Because much like my all-time grudges or my little Rosh Hashanah rant, I jump at the opportunity to tell this to anyone or anything that will listen to me. I should really make a seperate list of "Things I Can Not Let Go Despite a Good Amount of Time Passing and It Not Really Being That Big of a Deal in The First Place" (or my TICNLGDAGAOFPAINRBTBOADITFP list, if you will.) This would be its star. Either way, go get some coffee. Sit down. Get comfortable. Like always, it's going to be a long and semi-pointless one.

Our story begins freshman year of high school in first period Spanish class. Sitting diagonally from me was Talia, sitting behind me was Eileen (who, for the record, was even bitchier first thing in the morning than I was, but that's neither here nor there) and sitting next to me was Steve Nardone. Oh, man. Steve Nardone, you guys. It is now widely accepted that Steve Nardone was one of the hottest guys in our class, but back then he was just some quiet schmo who flew under the radar. And the thing is, nothing physically changed about him from freshman to senior year. It's not like he lost a considerable amount of weight or stopped wearing Insane Clown Posse makeup to school or anything; he looked exactly the same on graduation day as he did that first day of Spanish class, freshman year. So what changed? Well, I don't want to say it was my crush on Steve Nardone that made all the difference, and yet, that's actually exactly what I'm going to say. Because that's exactly what this post is about. I openly had a crush on Steve Nardone first semester of freshman year and suddenly so did the rest of the world and I got zero credit for it. BOOM. There it is. And it still ruffles my feathers.

[TIME OUT: I wrote most of this post last week when I got home from dinner with Talia and Jill and I was all fired up because we randomly discussed Steve Nardone and I had "had a few chardonnays", if you will. So, I wrote this, it's based on an experience that I really had, and yet when I re-read it tonight to edit, I was like, "YEAH!!! THAT WAS IRRITATING. GOD, GOOD POINT, MEG," and completely re-fired myself up until I was ranting and raving at Dan while he ignored me and dicked around on Facebook and flossed his teeth. So what I'm trying to say is, if this sucks because it's oddly specific to my high school experience and I wrote it kind of drunk, at least I know one person will appreciate it: Me. God bless and proceed.]

I have the most absurdly vivid memory of being all zipped up in my little sleeping bag on the floor at a field hockey sleepover and being like, "TEE- HEE! Man, that Steve Nardone kid is so nice and stupid cute. Do you think he'd go to Homecoming with me?" And do you know what happpened? I got laughed at. LAUGHED AT. Everyone was like, "Steve Nardone? What's a Steve Nardone? Who's that? He's quiet. I don't know who that is, blah blah blah, let's run sprints," and I was like, "Oh. OK. I'll just go back to making this lanyard out of gimp and wishing I ran an 8-minute mile instead of 15 so I could fit in with you people [weave, weave, weave]." And then not four months later, the entire world had a crush on Steve Nardone. And continued to do so until we graduated! He was like, The Unnatainable Steve Nardone. And who was I? Meg. Just Meg, who sat in the corner and occasionally said snarky things and drove a Mazda Protege named Pedro. That was me.

And you know the worst part? I went to Homecoming sophomore year with Steve Nardone's stepbrother, except I had no idea that they were related. Thus, when I called their house (because it was 1999 and only Zack Morris and drug dealers had cell phones,) I thought Steve was my date's dad and the results were just horrible.

[Ring, ring]

Steve Nardone: Hello?

M: Hi, may I please speak to Danny?

S: He's not here right now, can I take a message?

M: Sure, can you just have him call Meg whenever he gets a chance?

S: Oh, hey Meg, it's Steve! [TIME OUT: OK, so again, I had no idea they were stepbrothers. Apparently this was, and is, common knowledge, but may I remind you that I only just found out that narwhals are real, so let's all lower the bar a little. And when he said his name was Steve, a.k.a. the International Dad and/or Stepdad Name, I just assumed my date mentioned we were going to Homecoming and his dad was being really friendly and engaging.]

M: Oh. Uh. Hi, sir.

..."OH. UH. HI, SIR." GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHJJJJJjjjjjesus Christ. I called him sir. Of course once I put everything together and realized that I was talking to fucking Steve Nardone, I wanted to set myself on fire for having said that. Like sometimes I'll just be driving down the road, randomly remember it, and want to crash my car into the median. And the thing is, I'm sure he has no recollection of this conversation ever happening, yet I'm going to have it engraved on my tombstone with an artistic etching of me holding my head in my hand and looking really disappointed, under the line, "Here lies Meghan Catherine McBlogger. She........well, she tried real hard." College Roommate Danielle went through this really irritating phase of purposely remembering the most embarrassing moments of her life when she was bored and detailing them to me, which obviously drove me crazy because then I'd have to browse the extensive library that is all of my most embarrassing moments. It was evil. She'd text me when I was in class and be like, "I'm remembering something so mortifying!" and I'd be like GOD DAMNIT I CALLED STEVE NARDONE SIR!!1 and die all over again, except this time in the middle of an art history class or something equally worthless in the long run.

S: How are you doing? Excited for Homecoming?

M: Yeah! Totally! [wanting to get off the phone as soon as humanly possible because your "son" and I are going to Homecoming together, not adopting a Korean baby] OK, well if you could just tell Danny to call me when he gets back in, that would be great. Thank you! Bye! [click.]

GAHHHHHHHHHHH. I had Steve Nardone on the phone, he was engaged, he knew who I was, this was before the entire world had a crush on him so his standards were probably pretty low, and I rushed to get off the phone with him because I'm a little bit Aspie's and didn't want to talk to someone's dad. FAILURE.

And guess what Steve Nardone does now? He's a SURFER/MODEL/PHOTOGRAPHER. I've ascertained from various Facebook pictures and not his resume, which I've never seen before and is probably more accurate than Facebook, for the record, that he's done some amateur SURFING/MODELING/PHOTOGRAPHING at some point in his life. I am 100% not kidding. About that ascertation. And in 1999, when I had the balls to be like, "hey, that kid's got a shape to him," everyone acted like I was crazy. And I'm more than I aware that I graduated seven years ago and there are more important things for me to be upset about, but I can not physically let this go. And it's not an issue of like, "ohhh, I missed out on my shot with Steve Nardone," because, whatever. I wouldn't have known what to do with that shot if it walked up with a top hat, monocle, and youtube video instructions and let's not pretend like I would. It's an issue of I was right and I want credit for it. I had the first crush on him and every other girl who had a crush after me (and there were many) didn't have to deal with the same shit that I did. I paved the way. I'm the Rosa Parks of Steve Nardone crushes. Where's my PBS special? Where's my middle school?

So now, much like with Rosh Hashanah, everytime someone mentions Steve Nardone, I'm like, "WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORY" and go into the whole shpeal whether that person wants to hear it or not. (And most times, the answer is not.) Because I demand recognition. The following conversation actually happened at dinner the other night when Steve Nardone was brought up:

Talia: Remember how you were the first person to have a crush on him freshman year and then everyone else did and he could have the pick of any girl in the school?

M: Yes, thank you. I remember.

T: You really did pave the way.

M: [puts fajita down and looks at Talia directly in the soul] Say it again.

T: What?

M: Say that I was the first and paved the way.

T: But I just did.

M: Well say it again. I need to hear it again.

T: Uh, you were the first person to have a crush on Steve Nardone.

M: And I...........?

T: ...Paved the way.

M: Now say he owes his entire high school happiness to me.

T: ...I'm not entirely sur

M: SAY IT.

T: He, 'owes his entire high school happiness to you.'

M: Now say that he owes at least 99.9% of his current life success to me.

T: Yes Meg. Steve Nardone owes 99.9% of his current life success to you.

And then I proceeded to get drunker on strawberry margaritas like a jaded, middle-aged divorcée because the only slashes that separate my job title are between blogger, unemployed, and gastrointestinal problems. Christ.

89 comments:

Kori said...

If Stevie ever googles his own name, he'll thank you for making his life a success. This blog is now the sixth link that pops up. And yes, I'm that bored at 7:40 a.m. that I went ahead and looked him up.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I too paved the way, for one James Dunlop. But I have to post this anonymously in case he ever googles himself, finds this blog, and discovers all these years later that I spent our entire university years crushing on him hardcore and telling the world to realise his hotness, only to have them do so. Dammit!

Anonymous said...

genius

Anonymous said...

Because I pay very special attention to the things yo utype I though you should know that your abreviation for "Things I Can Not Let Go Despite a Good Amount of Time Passing and It Not Really Being That Big of a Deal in The First Place" is missing a T, it shoul go Here: TICNLGDAGAOFtPAINRBTBOADITFP instead of TICNLGDAGAOFPAINRBTBOADITFP

signed the snarky copy editor :)

Anonymous said...

omg. she's back and better than ever. love you meg!

Talia said...

I totes remember that convo you had on the phone with Stevy Wonder.. you really did pave the way sir.

Anonymous said...

luckily I'm from the Metro DC area and was able to fb this Steve Nardone (tg for mutual friends) and he really is a hotty! You really are a renaissance woman in all aspects of the word

Anonymous said...

i'd do him.

Anonymous said...

Googled him, found his myspace page. You did INDEED find a good one...now when he googles himself (because let's not pretend we all don't do that once in a while), he'll find this post and fall in love with you. Just sayin'.

Katie said...

This is so funny to me because I know Steve from back in the day. I actually dated his cousin (also a hottie) and saw first hand the girls swooning left and right. Glad to know you saw the potential FIRST Meg.

Jane Lane said...

I googled him. He's adorable. So adorable I imagine he is no where near witty or deep enough for you. And I don't think he'd love Evie or Weekend Hair as much as one should. When he drinks Jäger, he has no passion. His life has been too easy, he knows no strife, and therefore would never be able to be the sarcasm-filled kevin yang to the meg yin. But still - excellent discovery. The world thanks you for your service.

(re)becca said...

Please write more entries while drunk; this was amazing.

Caitlin said...

This brings back memories of the guy I had a crush on freshman year. I still remember looking up his house number in the school directory and calling him to talk. Even if he was a sophomore and barely knew who I was.

Then, 9 years later, my mom unwittingly informed me that that guy is my first cousin's stepbrother. AwkWARD.

Lindsay said...

if/when Steve ever googles his own name, this blog is now the FIRST thing to pop up in search results. Maybe you're destined to find each other again and fall in love! These things do happen...

Andrew N said...

Definitely facebooked Steve Nardone - and this is me slow clapping for you. Good work, Meg. too bad you didn't get that.

Laura P said...

To tide you over until you're more financially stable:

http://www.chroniclebooks.com/index/main,book-info/store,gifts/products_id,8953/title,Port-a-Pug/

Nat said...

My GOD its like I could have written that post...only not of Steve Nardone clearly...because you paved the way for that one!

Anonymous said...

Your friend, Talia, is hot.

Just saying.

meg>pizzaboli said...

"Im goofy as shit. I do my own thing. I cant sleep with my bedroom door open, and I talk in my sleep. Its gotten me into trouble before. I dont like underwater kelp forests. I often cant walk straight and make a fool of myself."
- Steve's Myspace Page

I disagree with Jane Lane, Meg - aside from the lack of apostrophes, you'd make a great pair. Go for it!

Jennifer said...

I am about to take an exam but I just saw that there is a new post and had to say how excited I am! Now, I might fail my test because I will be thinking about what could possibly ruffle Meg's feathers! DANGGG IT! :)
Don't know if things are better Meggles, but I hope so!

Patrick said...

Not sure why, but whenever I read your stuff now, I imagine you as Mae Whitman's character, Amber, on Parenthood.

Also, I just found out that Mae Whitman was both George Clooney's daughter in One Fine Day and Bill Pullman's daughter in Independence Day.

The more you know...

God bless IMDB.

Emma said...

This was so entertaining, my rainy Thursday at work is now a VERY HAPPY rainy Thursday at work! Thanks Meg.

Anonymous said...

2 days in a row?! Keep up the great work, Meggles! We love you! When is TC making his come back?

nova said...

You sure do get a lot of anonymous comments on this blog! I googled him too...nice. "sir" haha

Katharine said...

1 - THAT WAS AMAZING.

2 - I just started following you on Twitter

3 - I too facebooked Steve Nardone and I totally have a mutual friend with him hahaha Meg should I put in a good word?! Looks like he might be single!!

Anonymous said...

someone should fb him and tell him to google himself....

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh!! I had a Maza Protege too in high school! I feel like we are bonding right now :)

Anonymous said...

I stalked him on fbook. You're right, he's dreamy.

Ashley said...

I also googled him, and there is a pic on his Myspace page that is just...heavenly (shirtless with a surfboard). I'd call him "sir" anyday!

Thanks for paving the way, Meg!

Kristen said...

Um seriously if I donate 16.95 will you promise me to spend it on the port-a-pug that Laura P sent you to?

(http://www.chroniclebooks.com/index/main,book-info/store,gifts/products_id,8953/title,Port-a-Pug/)

It just seems to me that lifes gotten a little hard for you and maybe adding a wooden pug to your family is the answer.

Anonymous said...

"I own more wetsuits than regular suits." why does this sentence on Steve Nardone's profile sound so incredibly awkward to me? like, said out loud, it just sounds weird. then again, he's pretty cute.

Anonymous said...

"And who was I? Meg. Just Meg, who sat in the corner and occasionally said snarky things and drove a Mazda Protege named Pedro. That was me."
I love you. we are the same person.

another creeper said...

thank god for mutual friends on facebook. yes, he's a cutie but hello why aren't you hollering now?

i really truly hope between the random friend requests he probably is getting today, and his normal friends that read the blog SOMEONE tells him to read this!

Jennifer said...

i already did.
don't be mad meggles.

Katie said...

I am glad that I am not the only creeper who, upon reading the name Steve Nardone,instantly found him on Facebook and Google.

THOUGHT: You should start tracking searches generated due to the content of you blog, put them all in a file (Kevin Yang Phenom as Case Study #1), and send it to C- to F-list celebrities with a memo that just says, "Wanna get famous? Call me." The charge a nominal fee and write a post about them.

BAM! Material AND income.

Ali said...

"Like sometimes I'll just be driving down the road, randomly remember it, and want to crash my car into the median."

I'm really glad I'm not rhe only one who has these thoughts/urges when I remember something humiliating that I did MANY YEARS AGO.

Like, I'll be waiting to cross the street and remember the time I fell down an entire flight of stairs in middle school (figures), and how everyone pointed and laughed at me, and get the incredible urge to just walk in front of that bus hurdling down the street.

Rachel said...

How confused is he with all these random facebook requests today? hahahaha

Anonymous said...

teenage werewolf. PUG.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/14/the-best-pet-halloween-costumes_n_762247.html#s156655


happy halloween!

Emily said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cocktailsattiffanys said...

Poor Meg, not only did you pave the way for everyone in high school to have a crush on Steve but now you have paved the way for all of your readers to have a crush on Steve. Oy.

Emily said...

Yes! Christ! This was me and Scott Nowicki! They laughed in the 8th grade when I said he was hot. And by senior year, when he still TOTALLY looked the same, people were all, "Hey did anyone else notice what a fox Scott Nowicki is??" GOD!!!

Anonymous said...

I love reading Meg's posts and don't care if there is a typo now and then. Because I equally love when snarky people point out Meg's typos while missing their own...

Kath. said...

SHUT UP are people really friending him on facebook?!?!?! aaaaaaahahahaahahahahahahahaahaahaa oh my GOD.

MEG ARE YOU AWARE OF THIS!?

Kath said...

OH MY GOD SOMEONE ALREADY POSTED A LINK TO THE BLOG ON HIS FACEBOOK PAGE.

sorry for all caps. BUT OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD

MEG!!!!!!

Courtney said...

Meg, Steve is just proof that you're on the cutting edge of trends. And while you may want to crash your car into a median every time you remember calling Steve "sir", I just want to hug you. You're the funniest writer in entire blog-o-sphere. Keep up the good work, kid.

Ruby said...

Meg, you are a goddess. I, too, had a crush on Steve Nardone. But I am pretty sure he knew about it and didn't care, because he relentlessly (and painfully) only asked me out for Ben Curtis. I in no way doubt, however, that you paved the way. <3

p.s. I just ran to the bathroom to laugh over this post. Oy.

Anonymous said...

MEG! He likes CAMPING!!!!!!1

Anonymous said...

I totally googled him to see if I could find the person who owes his entire life success to you. Plus I love you, in a non-creepy stalker way. Thanks for coming back, my co-workers missed me snorting at my desk to try to cover the fact that I was laughing which clearly indicated I was not doing my soul sucking work.

Anonymous said...

You're right, he IS dreamy!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001161776748

Anonymous said...

(443) 695-6883...

Anonymous said...

Too funny Meg... I went to college with that kid and he was friend of friends...someone one of his surfer model photos ended up on our apartment fridge!

Anonymous said...

I heard he's made of unobtainium....

( suspect katherine ) said...

i will repeated check back to this post, not only because it is both relatable and hilarious, but because i want to read his comment.

i hope he saw the link and clicked on it and read the post and that everything goes well.

Blair said...

HIS FACEBOOK STATUS IS A QUOTE FROM THE POST AHAHAAHAHA

ps that's got to be his baltimore cell phone number posted above right?

Way to go Meggles!!!

Anonymous said...

Aww Meg and you're facebook friends with him and everything. Is this awkward?

kateebee said...

We are sooooo twinsies. I actively seek out the Steve Nardones in life. Love being the first to discover a hidden gem. Collected several V-cards in HS/early college by dating this way. Less competition. However, now most of them are married. Sigh. Also, I frequently want to crash my car in to medians when my daydreaming takes me to a similar "sir" type moment (of which I have soooooo many.)

Also, I'm resisting the urge to inquire with all of my Sherwood High c/o '02 acquaintances to figure out if they know you, because they're all dudes and I know they'd make endless fun of me.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure it's amazing!! Unless the guy is a complete asshole, I bet he's been really great about it and he clearly thinks the post is hilarious (as well all do!)seeing as he quoted it

Anonymous said...

Wow definitely just stalked his myspace photos-you picked a good one Meg.

Anonymous said...

I like how you remember humiliating things then get the urge to kill yourself. You know. But I do too.

I once had a crush on this teacher at school and I acted like a bloody idiot around him 100% of the time but he was the COOL teacher that all the cool kids were friends with so crushing on him was uncool so I just have flashbacks and am like "UGH. OH MY GOD, I'M FINDING A CLIFF AND FRIGGING JUMPING RIGHT OFF."

I HAVE A FEELING YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED DUE TO THIS POST THOUGH. EH? EH??

Not From DC said...

For those of us that don't have friends in common on facebook... what was the one line from the blog that Steve posted?

Anonymous said...

he said "What's a Steve Nardone?"

bahahaaha

Anonymous said...

as in: ""TEE- HEE! Man, that Steve Nardone kid is so nice and stupid cute. Do you think he'd go to Homecoming with me?" And do you know what happpened? I got laughed at. LAUGHED AT. Everyone was like, "Steve Nardone? What's a Steve Nardone? Who's that? He's quiet. I don't know who that is, blah blah blah, let's run sprints,"

Savannah said...

oh my god I pee my pants every time I read that paragraph EVERY TIME

Meg can we please be friends in real life like right now

Josh B. said...

Seeing as how I am one of his best friends, and can distinctly remember Steven during his HS years, I broke the news of all of this to Steve this afternoon on the phone. He is humbled.

P.S. He is not a Pro Surfer
P.P.S. He is not a model
P.P.P.S. Oh, and he lives in his Mom's basement :)

Live the dream!

Anonymous said...

Shit just got real

Anonymous said...

Someone on his facebook page said "wait until this gets around the office" in reference to the blog.....Meg I have a feeling your readership is about to expand by like the millions! I can't wait to see your post tomorrow I hope you'll respond to all of this!!!!!

Andrea said...

That "Shit just got real" comment was friggin hilarious.

Santa Chiara said...

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS!!! When Meg and Steve Nardone get married and have babies and then tell their children years later how they met, it will be like WE WERE ALL A PART OF IT.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I don't want to marry him, I just want credit!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHA, I was the 69th comment. Awesome.

Anna said...

"I'm the Rosa Parks of Steve Nardone crushes." that is one of the best things ive ever heard. i miss thee!

Anna said...

also, i CANNOT believe that you managed to NOT tell me this little crumb of embarassment after all these years! i guess its cuz you knew id make you retell it at every party

Stephanie said...

Oh my god. This might be in my top 3 2b1b posts ever. Just because the subject of the post is so interactive. We are all stalking him on facebook! I think I have a crush on him now! But only because YOU have one!! YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG

He is a dreamboat. Steve Nardone, I know you are reading all these comments, because there's like 10 billions girls talking about how adorbs you are...all thanks to Meg. Marry her please. Invite us all to the wedding. I plan to get blackout drunk. See you all there

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HA HA, Anna. I made the mistake of telling Rachel my embarrassing meeting w/ MTV story and she kept waiting for me to get drunk enough to tell it in Miami. It never happened. Thank Christ. Slash I miss you asking me to tell the Macaroni Grill Story every waking moment of life, including during moments of silence, pivotal parts of movies and around people I haven't warmed up to yet and thus don't feel like telling about the time I was so hungry I fell out of a chair to. Miss thee more!

And again, NO MARRIAGE; JUST CREDIT. I'm selfish, not creepy.

Ange said...

Sorry ladies, I know his girlfriend and she is a sweet hottie herself!

Anonymous said...

^^^^^^^^^^
Steve, you can't post on a blogpost about you

Anonymous said...

i'll bet my life that "Ange" is Steve nardone's girlfriend, just tryin to make us all jealous that he's taken

Anonymous said...

oh for sure, especially because who uses the phrase "sweet hottie"???

Monica Keirn said...

great. now I have a crush on Steve Nardone, too. hope my boyfriend doesn't mind. if he does, i'll just blame it on you.

cocktailsattiffanys said...

Let me get this straight, Meg openly says commenters have been a little crazy and she's down about life shit. So she tells us a story, and you all go and stalk someone you don't even know?

For reals.

ashzilla said...

This is what appears on google in the last slot of the first page for Steve Nardone:

1. 2birds1blog
Oct 19, 2010 ... It is now widely accepted that Steve Nardone was one of the hottest guys .... Steve Nardone owes 99.9% of his current life success to you. ...


So not only did you make the first page several days later, but the caption says he is successful because of you, hahaha

ACO said...

I know Steve Nardone, forced him to sleep in the same bed with me when we were at a friends beachhouse, and consequently made him the most uncomfortable man alive. <3 Steve Nardone.

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