Episode 7: Recapped by Chris
I’m going to recap this episode in 30 words or less, because really, nothing important happened that needs explaining. Ready? Go:
Erin is jobless, wait, no, she’s not. Allie is skinny. Kelly wants to know why. Allie is upset. Whit: “Why you gotta ask that?” “Kelly: Truth hurts.” Fin.
Mainly, I’m frustrated with how everything worked out for everyone on this episode. So I’m going to take the rest of this recap to rewrite this episode for you in a more realistic manner. Please enjoy:
[Scene: Delicatessen at brunch.]
Erin: Hey guys, I’m really bummed out. I have no job. You guys have jobs. Wah.
Whitney: Stop whining. Also, you look like a girl from the Addicted to Love video. Go easy on the lipstick next time?
Allie: I’ll give your resume to my boss. Also, have you tried Monster.com? Maybe actually looking for a job will help you find one.
Sam: I’m irrelevant.
Cue intro music: Robert Palmer – “Addicted to Love”
[Scene: One Management]
Scott Lipps: So Allie gave me your resume. Tell me about yourself.
Erin: Well I’ve spent the last year unofficially styling and soul-searching. Wait, is your last name really Lipps?
Scott: Get out of my office.
[scene: Whitney’s apartment]
Whitney: So Erin didn’t get the job.
Erin: So I’m getting fucked up tonight. Bring on the tequila!
Allie: I love when people speak their mind. Guys, is Kelly going to shit on me tonight?! God, I hope so.
[scene: Kelly Cutrone’s birthday party]
Erin is topless on bar.
Whitney: Oh Erin, she’s so free-spirited. And Kelly speaks her mind. My friends are so one-dimensional.
Allie: Hi Kelly, happy birthday. Aren’t I pretty?
Kelly: No. Not at all. Have a sandwich. Or seven. Kbyeeeeeee.
Allie storms out of party. Whitney follows.
Erin: Wooooo!!!! Oh hiiiiii JR!
JR enters stage left.
JR: You want a shot of tequila and a Bud light? (Note: Do I love this man for not making this two options or what?) If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together. In bed. In NYC. Let’s fuck?
Fade to black (out! Hiyooooooo!)
[Scene: The next morning, in Erin’s apartment]
JR: Why are my clothes different today from the ones I was wearing at the club last night? Did I go back to my apartment to change before we came here and made bad decisions?
Erin: Wait. Why are you here?
[scene: Whitney’s apartment]
Erin: OMG I love him. I’ve never talked about him before but JR is my dream man.
Whitney: Now I’m irrelevant. This is my show. Why am I unimportant?
Allie enters stage right.
Allie: Kelly’s a bitch.
Whitney: Yea, sorry about that. But I love her. But you’re right. But…
Erin: Whose side are you on, Whitney?
Whitney: No, you’re right. She’s a bitch.
[Scene: Bar, One Management party]
Kelly: Hey, sorry I upset you. No hard feelings?
Allie: None. It’s fine. (aside to Adam) What the fuck is she doing here? Cunt can’t give me space. This is my agency party –
Scott: Actually it’s my agency.
Allie: Whatever. I hate her.
Adam: Honey. Honey. Honey.
Olivia: Hi! How are you?
Whitney: OMG so last night, at Kelly’s party, Allie and Kelly –
Olivia: Yea, it was a rhetorical question. I don’t actually care.
Whit: Well I’m going to talk to Kelly about it.
Olivia: Ooo bad idea.
[Scene: Kelly’ office, People’s revolution]
Kelly: What’s going on?
Whitney: Why’d you say that? Allie’s hurt.
Kelly: I’m honest. The truth sucks.
Whit: Yea, but…
Kelly: Really? You’re questioning me? Get out of here.
Our season finale begins with the final three Bros (Chris the Token Asian, Luke and Femi) taking a lie detector test administered by Brody Jenner's mom. Brody's mom looks like if the plastic surgery cat lady went shopping in the juniors section of a WalMart, so it's very confusing to me when the Bros struggle to hide their raging mega boners around her. Apparently all I need to do to be hot is wear a lace camisole with my bra straps showing, white go-go boots and rhinestoned jeans. Oh and pull my face back until I look Asian and hold it back with binder clips. Perhaps even more ridiculous than Brody's mom's face is her line of questioning during the lie detector test. It starts out with relevant questions like "do you really like my son?" and then turns into a conversation you would have with your needy girlfriend about whether or not you really think she's hot. Femi and Luke pass Catwoman's test with flying colors but Chris ends up being sent home. It may have something to do with the fact that his test revealed he thinks Brody is fake, owns copious amounts of pornography and plans to masturbate to the image of Brody's mom later. Juuuust maybe. Upon reflecting on his Bromance experience, Chris says, "I didn't leave with Brody Jenner's friendship, but I did leave with a lot of memories...of me being awesome." Which is weird because that's actually verbatim what I say after leaving any and every room.
Next, Brody, Femi and Luke hop into Brody's private jet to visit Femi and Luke's hometowns. "Brody's" jet is called the Bro-Force 1. Really MTV? You didn't have a single bro pun left in you? Well, I guess it has been a long season. Let's call it the Bro-eing 747. That one was on the house.
First the boys head to Mississippi to meet Femi's family, and more importantly his white trash girlfriend. When I first saw Femi's girlfriend, I thought there was a slight chance she might be inbred. Then she opened her mouth and it was better confirmation than any DNA test could ever provide. Close your eyes and get her talk about french fried taters and you'd swear you were watching Sling Blade. Anyway, Femi makes an interesting choice when he decides to patch things up with old Karl Childers instead of showing Brody a good time during their big night out. Interesting choice Fembot...
From the dirty south, the boys head to Massachusettes to visit Luke's family. They're white and make lobster for dinner and bore me to tears. There's a scene where Brody helps a little boy hit a homerun in stickball and it's so tender and touching that I actually vomited an Anne Geddes poster, a bible scripture AND various passages from a Nicholas Sparks book all over my couch. Later that night Luke takes Brody and Femi to the local watering hole where Brody gets viciously made fun of for being a "pretty boy" and almost gets his ass kicked. It makes me laugh that the only danger the boys' see is in Luke's hometown, when Femi has been doing his best Dangerous Minds impression this entire season and the only scrape they got into in his "hood" was when some trashy girl desperately started to grind all up on Brody's business and Brody has to ask Luke to break it up.
Although Luke didn't stand up for Brody when the bar was making fun of him, Brody pays no mind and declares Luke the winner! Between Femi and Luke, I think the choice was somewhat obvious. The only words that come out of Femi's mouth are "bro," "dawg," "homey," or some off-putting animal in the jungle metaphor, whereas Luke is responsible for the following quote, which exemplifies why I love Bro culture:
"A toast! ::holds up champagne glass:: To lesbians and virgins!...Thanks for nothing."
Truer words were never spoken.