Andrew & Meg on the 2009 Grammy Awards: RAW, UNCENSORED & UNCUT!
Andrew: Hope to be out of here by 10ish. Too late to come over and say hi?
Meg: nope! come on over, i'm here watching the grammys, wondering how high whitney houston is.
A: Cracked out of her mind.
A: WHAT IS THAT DRESS
M: jennifer hudsons? it looks like an oragami project that someone got frustrated with and gave up halfway through.
M: the comedic stylings of dwayne "the rock" johnson make me want to crawl out of my skin and die a little.
A: This is the strangest Grammys ever.
M: i dont think there's a host. i think it's going to be a shit ton of celebrities mis-reading jokes off a teleprompter. i'm breaking out in hives in preperation for how awkward this is going to get.
M: chris martin makes me so uncomfortable. he's flailing and sweaty.
M: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH carrie underwood's "outfit" looks like one of the costumes in "priscilla queen of the desert." i believe specifically from the scene where they perform "shake your groove thang" in a bar.
A: There's certainly a bondage element to it...
A: Love that the random country singer thanked paul mccartney.
A: Why does Kid Rock exist?
M: HAHA right? i mean, besides his amazing performance in "joe dirt", he's pretty much a waste of flesh in a bowler hat. and speaking of his stupid hats, the one he's wearing to night looks too big on him. AND kid rock gets a lot of poon, that blows my mind.
A: The artist/song selection blows my mind. [editor's note: Andrew brings a good point to the table. There were a lot of random collaborations, presented by equally random celebrities this year. I feel like the show's producer and his assistants got together in a room with three fishbowls filled with random celebrity's names and scheduled the acts according to what they pulled. ::pulls from first Bowl:: "Tito Puente! Performing with..." ::pulls from second bowl:: "Nas! Presented by..." ::pulls from third bowl:: "Betty White!"]
M: right? jesus. i need a 60 watt bulb. the bulb in the lamp on my side table is 75 watts and it's blinding me. [editor's note: Yes I could have easily deleted that line, deal with it. I left it in as a personal reminder that I need to go to CVS and get light bulbs. If you see me, please remind that I need light bulbs and cereal.]
and i like miley cirus. yea. i just said that.
M: oh adam levine...the things i could do to you with my mouth and one hand.
A: Sorry, I walked away and did some work... then I come back to find what appears to be the jonas brothers and stevie wonder...
M: does it make me lame that i found the joke "it's good to see stevie wonder and the jonas brothers back together again!" genuinely funny?
A: No worries, I got a kick out of it too.
A: I like Craig Ferguson. / M: LOLZ. OHHH CRAIG FERGUSON! [sent at same time]
A: [regarding Katy Perry's outfit/set:] So much fruit.
M: that's what she said? katy perry sounds like fucking shit live. like i remember people sounding better in high school musical productions. and she looks like a drunk ice skater.
A: Um.... kudos to her for (so very clearly) not lip syncing?
M: would it kill her to dress like a normal person for once? christ.
A: The Jonas Bros looked SO uncomfortable.
M: hahaha! right? kanye west looks like 1986.
M: seriously. his haircut is some straight-up tito jackson shit.
also estelle's collar is attacking her. but kudos for wearing a dress that would make me look pregnant 6 ways to the weekend.
A: [re: Adele] Never chew gum at an awards show.
M: that's my mom's #1 pet peeve. when celebrities chew gum on tv. well, maybe not #1, that's an oddly specific #1 pet peeve. whenever i chew gum she brings up how stupid people on tv look when they chew gum. so when i'm on the next season of bromance as "girl in hot tub, episode 5," you bet your balls i won't be chewing gum.
i'm excited for the hip hop summit. i hope no one gets shot.
M: is morgan freeman wearing those gloves you put vaseline in and wear overnight to get silky smooth hands? and since when is morgan freeman BFF with kenny chesney? and why is morgan freeman even here? WHA HAPPENED?
A: Could M.I.A. be more pregnant?!
M: did you see that shot of her sitting down backstage? she was like UGHHHHHH I'M SOOOO PAINFULLY KNOCKED UPPPP! also is this in black and white or have i been sniffing glue again?
A: It does seem to be b&w...
M: ok..........MIA is wearing a mesh jumpsuit with polka-dot cut-outs over her boobs and belly. if i were her child i'd peace out of there right now so as to not wear that shit show of an ensemble by association.
A: Today is her due date.
M: [hip-hop summit ends] that was it? why was that such a big deal? i didn't even know who most of those people were. was that "D12?"
M: when i look at kate beckinsale, it's like looking into a mirror.
A: I was about to ask you how you got to the grammys so fast!
M: wait, who is jack black married to? also: jack black's hat is comically too small, whereas kid rock's was comically loo large. they need to consult whoever jason mraz's hat guy is.
Then Andrew showed up at my apartment so the emails stopped. You didn't miss much after this though. There was the sad montage of people in music who have died in the past year (I forgot Isaac Hayes died! It hurt just as bad as the first time I found out he died!); Neil Diamond gave a Wayne Newton-esque performance where he basically spoke the words to a few of his hits in a sing-songy voice and tried to resist the urge to sit down or take a nap while performing; Allison Krauss (who looked like a bedazzled dominatrix) and Robert Plant won best album of the year, prompting Plant to say the following, "Back in the day we would have called this selling out...But I think it's a good way to spend a Sunday." And that was the most successful joke of the entire evening. Off the cuff or written in advance by a professional joke writer.
Andrew's final thoughts: "That was incredibly cracked out, but incredibly entertaining."
My final thoughts: Like how Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas without the snow, the Grammys just don't feel like the Grammys without a temper tantrum from Kanye West. However, for Neil Diamond gracing my television screen with a performance, (cough, Stephen from Toronto can suck it, cough) I have to give it an A+. Diamond is forever!