2.04.2009

Deluxe Cover-Letter-o-Matic 2.0!

Cover letters. I say, god damn. I strongly believe that the Devil ejaculates cover letters and coughs up mission statements. Knowing my strong distaste for cover letters, Jillian emailed me the other day and asked if I would send her my cover letter template to ease the pain of the tedious application process. At the mere mention of "cover letter," I had a 'Nam-like flashback of sitting in my parent's basement, cold, lonely, trying to make "give me this low-paying job and I'll blow you bi-weekly till death do us part" sound more eloquent and praying for just a single interview. Of course I'd help Jillian. Just because I'm out of the jungle doesn't mean I've forgotten the war.

Before I sent my cover letter to Jillian, I removed all of the Meg-specific credentials and replaced them with a blank line. Before I knew it, I had one hell of a Mad Libs game going on. Because I was bored at work at the time (let's not lie, I was researching pogs to buy on ebay because I'm bringing them back, and was in no way bored) I decided to make the official 2b1b Cover Letter Mad Libs Game! The beauty of the game is that because no HR person worth their weight in TPS reports would actually ever read a cover letter, who gives a shit if it's full of random adjectives and boner jokes? You'll never waste another afternoon writing worthless cover letters again! And ohhh the hilarity!

For example, here's Anna's Mad Libs generated cover letter:
To Whom it May Concern:

My name is Sniffy Tecumsah and I am applying for General Electric's Reverse Cowgirl position. For the past year I have worked as a cat de-clawer for Jenna Jameson in New York City. While this was an amazing experience, I have decided to take a different direction with my career and focus on farts.

I am looking for a job that will utilize my genuine love of belly buttons and penchant for
sautéing and Lisa Kudrow. I have voluptuous computer skills, strangulation experience, am a creepy communicator (both visually and verbally) and am a very randy and easy to work with individual.

Attached for your review is my resume. I know that if we get the chance to meet, you will see what an asset I can be to General Electric's Fleshrocket department. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

You are what the French call, Les Incompetants
,
Sniffy Tecumsah

Play it yourself!

To Whom it May Concern:

My name is (your porno name: name of your first pet + name of the first street you lived on) and I am applying for (major American company)'s (sexual position) position. For the past year I have worked as a (random occupation) for (porn star) in (city). While this was an amazing experience, I have decided to take a different direction with my career and focus on (noun, plural).

I am looking for a job that will utilize my genuine love of (body part, plural) and penchant for (action verb) and (favorite actor on Friends). I have (adjective) computer skills, (method of killing someone) experience, am a (adjective) communicator (both visually and verbally) and am a very (synonym for horny) and easy to work with individual.

Attached for your review is my resume. I know that if we get the chance to meet, you will see what an asset I can be to (repeat name of large American company)'s (synonym for erection) department. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

(random insult),
Sniffy Tecumsah


Score:
Cover Letters: 0
Pogs: 1

8 comments:

jillian said...

As a recruiter who hates my job, that was hilariously uplifting - I'm glad you put your pog research on hold to create such a wonderful mad lip - that I may accidentally give someone one day...

Michelle said...

Love the Home Alone insult reference.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

i'm so behind in my pog research now...

Deborah said...

That was amazing. I despise cover letters.

Just discovered your blog when I stumbled upon a link to your 20 male Facebook poses post.

I see much hilarity in my future.

Cheers

beherenow said...

ditto the above - i found this blog when a friend forwarded me the 20 male facebook poses, and as i sit at my always-thrilling HR job, i find myself thoroughly entertained.

and for the record, cover letters are the bane of my existence. i know no one reads them (i sure as shit don't), but i feel obligated to include them with any application. c'est la vie?

kate2.0 said...

Doubled over in laughter (DDIL?)! I just posted my own.

Recently found your blog, and I'm a fan!!

kate2.0 said...

Ha! That's DOIL.

Aaron wood said...

Fast Payday Loans are short term loans. These loans are unsecured in nature. The terms and conditions of the loans too are quite flexible.

 
Clicky Web Analytics