"Live"-blogging the 2009 Academy Awards

[Editor's Note: I was totally late to the party, so the first half of this is just Eddie's running commentary on the Awards.]

8:30

I AM BLINDED BY THE GLITTER BLINDED BY THE GLITTER ON THE STAGE.

The opening number: This is really adorable in the way that it reminds me of favorite awards show, THE TONYS (wow I am really gay) The middle school sets are amazing. Also Anne Hathaway changed from her horrid mermaid dress. Jazz must be weeping the sadness of the mermaid dress gone away. http://tinyurl.com/djxc6a.

I am watching the show with a Vassar grad that can’t stand Anne Hathaway’s guts so every time she's on the screen we get some awesome insights into Anne’s college life. (Also Meryl Streep and her daughter went to Vassar so go VC)

8:44

I want to steal Viola's dress, build a time machine and dance the night away at studio 54.

DEAR Ms. CRUZ find a dress that fits your tits.

Amy Adams shows me the theme this year seems to be “giant overwhelming pieces of jewelry that look like things my Great Aunt Moe would have owned.” True story, my great aunt Moe loved jewelry and used to give it out to the young girls by the toy pram full and always have more. My grandpa called it “Moe’s junk” and some of her junk I still rock. BUT I WOULD NOT ROCK IT AT THE OSCARS that’s the difference. Granted Moe's stuff came from Avon in the 1960’s, 70’s and 80’s but still even if it was real NOT OSCAR WORTHY.

GO AU/GOLDIE!

TILDA sometimes you are one of the hottest people ever (see photo shoot where she wore old timey suits) sometimes you look awkward.

OH Ms. Cruz tells us about her childhood and I fear that her right tit is going to fall out. DON’T FALL DON’T FALL OUT! (or maybe do it will amp up the show)

8:50-?

Tina Fey and Steve Martin…for those that don’t know Meg’s dad looks like Steve Martin. This is kind of adorable but TINA FEY is totes posing in a way that seems not her and her eye is saggy in a botox way.

And the screen play winner is…MILK awww one tiny victory and the writer is hot and gay and amazing (he also writes for Big Love which is awesome.)

So Slumdog won for best adapted which isn’t shocking.

9:04

Blah blah animation Jack Black being forced funny. Jennifer Aniston’s hair looks as about put together as my hair…the home viewer should not be more put together then the star.

9:10

ANIMATION GUY GOES “domo arigato Mr. Roboto!” and it was the most adorable thing I have seen at the Oscars.

9:15

Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress looks a bit like it was designed by a wedding Barbie obsessed 6 year old. It's way more wedding dress then Oscar dress and it just does not ‘sit’ well with me/the entire room. Once a Square Peg my dear, always a Square Peg.

9:25

OMG AMANDA IS WEARING A DRESS THAT IS PRETTY MUCH A GIANT BOW and I loves me some bows so I am all for this dress. Plus it is very young in a good way; it is 100% age spot on. The banter is very force and awkward and just high school drama club.

9:32

Joaquin Phoenix joke…and Natalie Portman looks adorable but like an anorexic Barbie doll. You look like you are from a Hasidic Meth Lab is the new YOUR MOM joke. There was a guy coming back to his seat in the front row after a bathroom break BET HE FEELS LIKE A JERK.

9:38

On Jessica Biel: “that dress is very unfortunate” says the queer male in the room. I say and her hair looks like something you rock on a walk of shame. BAD CALL draping gone wrong, I’ve seen better draping on frat boys on their way to a toga party.

9:44

4 screwmosas in and we made popcorn in ye old popcorn maker and the pop corn is hitting my head. Also I am so tipsy I have no clue what is going on with the show

9:52

TOP HATS UNDERREPSENTIED OF OUR SOCIETY this OMG TOP HATS CANES SINGING IN THE RAIN. [editor's note: I didn't edit anything from here on out, drunk-blogging is something I can get behind.]

BEYONCE in a musical medley OMG MY HEART IS DYING IN A RED HOT UNITARD WITH GLOVES. IN MY DREAMS DREAMS THIS IS IDEAL. THEY ARE MAKING THE OSCARS THE TONY’S WHICH IS PROBS THE BEST THING IN THW WORLD. A TOP HAT WITH A CRYSTICAL PLUME SINGING ABBA. THIS IS A GAYS DREAM MAMA MIA WITH TOP HATS ALL THE GAYS IN THE ROOM ARE SCREAMING SCREAMING I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS!!

10:00pm

JOLE GREY (everyone else is freaking out about Cuba)

PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN A ROCHESTER NATIVE GO RA CAH CAH play weird people dress with oddness I love my hometown.

JOLE GREY IS AMAZING and presenting for the GLTB movie which fits

Cuba uhh for Robert Downy Jr. which is pretty funny.

Awww Heath Ledger won. SHOCK SHOCK his daughter will get it when she is 18 which is adorbs.

“SHUT UP ANNE YOU ARE ACTING RIGHT NOW” (the Vassar grad to Anne Hathaway tears)

me: sorry i'm late mom! but we're live blogging startingggg NOW

Eddie: THAT LADY

HAS A FACE

THAT IS SO SAD

me: a face for radio...or blogging

Eddie: a J leno face

OH WAIT

10:19 PM Eddie: SHE IS TALKING ABOUT KIDS WITH CLEFTS

is it wrong to talk about her face then?

meg: if it's wrong, then i don't want to be right.

Eddie: BEING RIGHT MEANS BEING WITHOUT YOU (like i was)

AWWW

10:26 PM Eddie: Will Smith is going grey

I AM LIVING IN WEST PHILLY

WHERE ARE YOU NOW WILL SMITH

meg: i just looked up and was like "why is colin ferrel winning a special effects award?"

10:29 PM Eddie: ANOTHER SCREWMOSA

10:31 PM meg: this is boring, when is uncle phil gonna come on and insult him?

Eddie: also this guy sound like me after the mile in 8th grade

10:33 PM meg: HA! right?

Eddie: I feel like people are in a room "3rd world or gays 3rd world or gays"

10:36 PM the developing world wins

meg: may it be a lesson to the gays.

Eddie: we need to swim in shit?

meg: it's adam and eve Eddie, not adam and steve

10:37 PM WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH

WHEN DID JERRY LEWIS DIE?!?!?!?!?!

my mom can't find out! she'll be depressed for years.

10:38 PM Eddie: he is alive

according to wiki

DID HE JUST DIE

wait now i have to check to see if Larry Hagman is alive

10:39 PM meg: i don't think he's dead. if he did die it would have to have been like 15 minutes ago. in which case this tribute should be interesting.

is hagman still kickin' it?

10:40 PM Eddie: HE IS!

knock on wood

10:42 PM meg: uhh was jerry lewis not in his seat or is he an old jewish woman in a ballgown?

10:43 PM Eddie: I just realized Jerry Lewis style is really limp wrist

I went to middle school with a Kid that was on the "Jerry's Kids" national show once

10:44 PM meg: jerry lewis sort of looks like reagan in the right light

Eddie: SOPHIA LOREN

10:45 PM YOUR FACE LOOKS SO FUCKED up

her face looks like it is melting off her skull

10:46 PM meg: nice and short...just how i like it lewis

Eddie: and to think she was once so hot

10:49 PM meg: http://s269.photobucket.com/albums/jj70/chingartattoo/post/star/?action=view&current=SophiaLoren.jpg

that's how i see myself on my wedding day.

10:51 PM Eddie: that is why this pains me so much

I think she is one of the most beautiful stars that was and I bet if she aged with grace she would look amazing BUT NO she had to have odd work done

meg: and now she looks like this:

http://www.sportcartoons.co.uk/caricatures/sophialoren.jpg

10:52 PM Eddie: I see myself like this http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f260/monpirri/sophia_loren_07.jpg

AGREED

with your current picture

10:53 PM WTF THIS PRESENTING COUPLE

ok her dress is cute

10:54 PM BUT SHE TOTES HAD A NOSE JOB

meg: shit, she looks beautiful and he looks like he put half a bottle of depp brand gel in his hair.

what?

10:56 PM Eddie: Indian dancing with white people!

10:57 PM meg: indian dancing is so ridiculously cool to me. also there are asian people on the drums. this feels like the pure racial harmony of something like the olympics

Eddie: RAINBOW CHILDREN

MIA, Angelina

meg: for a hot second i thought kanye west was singing

10:58 PM Eddie: THIS IS WHAT YOU AIM FOR

this sounds like we shall overcome

and looks like it's a small world

meg: BORING

11:00 PM Eddie: the other musical numbers were 100% better

meg: it sort of sounds like they were signing "giant ho"

and that makes me laugh

11:01 PM Eddie: he is rocking a whole bottle of LA style

meg: ok seriously. zac efron's hair. it looks like alicia just gave him a cat bath with her tongue

giant ho wins.

aint that always the way?

11:02 PM Eddie: in beauty competitions

11:03 PM have you seen all these JC pennys ads?

meg: about "stepping up their style"?

Eddie: I am all about shopping on the cheap

but JC Penny is never the way to do that

11:04 PM it is the way to look like a styling meth addict

meg: "pennys" is where you to go buy your girl scout uniform and buy cheap basics for high school musical productions.

Eddie: TRUE

meg: don't try to make a ho a houswife pennys

Eddie: I have mixed feelings about Freida Pinto’s dress

I love the color, love the lace

the cut...

meg: foreign. they get the fashion exempt card.

11:07 PM Eddie: she is also 4 days younger then me

it makes me feel very "I have done nothing in my life"

11:08 PM meg: somebody keeps clapping slightly too long in the audience and it's annoying. and i'm 89% sure it's efron.

Eddie: DAMN EFRON

11:11 PM WOOO A LESBIAN!

(that will never say she is)

meg: WOOOOO OBITUARIES!

Eddie: This makes me think of every ex fling

i'll be seeing you

in every lovely summers day

11:12 PM meg: BERNIE MAC

RIP

Eddie: in everything that is light and gay

the Mermaid dress

making everyone's ass look big

11:14 PM How many times will she sing this song

OMG CHARLTON HESTON

11:15 PM meg: paul newman.....god it kills me.

Eddie: PAUL NEWMAN

I LOVE YOUR SALAD DRESSIGNS

I legits shed a tear when I used your dressing last lunch break

11:19 PM meg: whhhhat?? reese witherspoon's dress looks like she took an 80's prom dress and put it in the blender.

11:20 PM Eddie: I kind of like it

but then again

it has sparkles, lace, blue

11:21 PM and you have not seen the other HORRID DRESSES

there are some HORRID ONES

meg: f'real?

'eh it's a recession

11:22 PM Eddie: Heidi

http://jezebel.com/5158407/heidi-klum-scarlet-woman

http://jezebel.com/5158365/miley-cyrus-belt-it-out

Miley

11:23 PM meg heidi dress: sushi cuts.

Eddie: JEWERLY

11:24 PM IS LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD

meg: uh oh..............i don't hate the miley dress

Eddie: miley's dress

would be CUTE

with a sash

that belt

kills it

if it was a dark blue sash it would be so cute and right for her age

meg: i agree, it's slightly out of place

she's just being miley

Eddie: but the fucking belt

11:27 PM a homeless man on a bus told me I look like Shirley MacLaine once

11:28 PM meg: why am i teary-eyed right now?

Eddie: b/c all the actress are

11:29 PM HER FACE

11:30 PM meg: you don't look like shirley maclaine, but you do both have the "gahh i'm so irish i have asian eyes!" look going on

Eddie: SOPHIA

IS ON DRUGS

DYNASTY DRESS

11:31 PM meg: oh god yes. that dress was just pryed off crystal carrington's cold dead body

Eddie: 2 people from Vassar from the win

IN THE POND

DEAR ANGELIA

THE LESBIANS MISS YOU

11:32 PM meg: HAHA, WIN FOR THE STRAIGHTS!

Eddie: I WANT THE GIA ANELINA BACK

but

she has the best dress

i love her dress

stylish

meg: yay go kate winslet!!!!

Eddie: new

but classic at the same time

I still feel like the TV show extras

11:33 PM SHE WINS FOR THE MOVIE ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST

11:34 PM this is adorbs

AND A HAT

HE IS ROCKING A HAT

11:35 PM meg: i like the back of her dress

11:36 PM Eddie: I just like her dress classic pretty good call

11:39 PM Sean Penn is a talent in general

11:40 PM meg: sean penn makes me deeply uncomfortalbe

Eddie: he won't win

but he is a talent

11:41 PM meg: ok WOW adrienne brody. apparently alicia keys gave you a catbath as well

Eddie: I also hate how the male actors

have wrinkles, pox marks, acne scars, gray hair

and the women (some of the same age) nothing

11:42 PM meg: wow, alicia keys got mickey roruke GOOD

11:43 PM Eddie: WOW

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMIN

WOW THAT IS AN UPSET

meg: sean penn just proved your lying face wrong

Eddie: dude

NO ONE THOUGHT HE WOULD WIN

no one

11:44 PM he also looks a bit johnny cash

11:45 PM HE CAN'T KEEP HIS NAMES RIGHT

meg: who's that kid they keep flashing to?

Eddie: that is the writer

THE HOT HOT HOT HOT WRITER

born 1979

writes for big love too

meg: shit....he's cute

sign me up

Eddie: gay

11:46 PM and everyone in the room claps

and the queers cry

11:47 PM meg: ok this is getting gay and political....i'm starting to get tense and awkward

Eddie: THE OSCARS

THEY SHOULD BE GAY AND POLITICAL

11:48 PM I never knew steven spielberg had such a lisp

11:49 PM meg: oh forst whittaker, will you marry me?

11:53 PM Eddie: Slumdog won

it was cute

I don't know

It was not amazing to me

meg: i didn't see it.

Eddie: then again Forest Gump

11:54 PM Shakespeare In love

Crash

all ehh movies

that won

11:55 PM BRING BACK MOVIES

meg: forest gump was a lot of things, but it was not "ehh"

Eddie: i mean, ehh