I got your back DC

I heard that 2birds1blog was mentioned on a comment thread at the now defunct DC blog www.whyihatedc.blogspot.com, so I headed over to check it out. I appreciate the blog’s brand of tough love humor, but the comments people left on the most recent post are abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. People really hate this city. And apparently they like to anonymously rant about it on blog forums. And then have inner-blog-comment-drama between posters over who hates DC the most. Check out this comment posted by “Anonymous”:

You know, I don't actually hate DC. It's the fucking people. You all come here swarming like locusts, roiling in the liquefied manure that is this particular flavor of cesspool, fermenting in your own exhaust.

I've been to enough major metro areas in the US to sort of get the feel for them. NYC is this melting pot where hopes of all walks of life come to die. LA is Hollywood vanity. SF is a blend of geeks, dweebs and fags, all juiced together in an ever-undescending kumbaya moment.

DC is a magnet for ego-infused filth. These aren't even people anymore, just stacks of elevator pitch CV drivel, networking for the sake of networking, accumulating and comparing credentials, where everything and everyone pretends to be globally significant and universally relevant.

It's the one city where I've taken painstaking care to avoid people lest catch the plague while I'm forced in this penalty box.

There isn't even theatre here that hasn't been polluted, breathing in the scum fumes.

Fuck you all. And up yours, too.

Holy hell, calm the fuck down! Go nibble on a delicious Fudgsicle or take a hot bath, maybe take a laxative or two, lie down for a little while and see how things feel in the morning. Christ…I actually hadn’t planned on writing a post today, seeing how it’s Columbus Day and the majority of people are off work, but this comment got me fired up.

First of all, anonymous? Really? I look forward to going to the funeral of your balls, seeing how you clearly don’t have ‘em anymore. I’m sorry for your recent loss. If you feel that passionately about something (and I think you might. “Liquified manure” and “scum fumes” aren’t phrases casually thrown around in chitchat,) be man enough to attach your name. Sitting around Tryst with your laptop giving the blogosphere a piece of your mind sure does sound like fun, but it won't change anything when nobody can respond to you. Stand up for yourself and your ideas (no matter how shitty they may be) and challenge the rest of these blogeeks, ya pussy. That’s what this grand city is all about!

And DC is a grand city, might I add, with grand people. As you say, San Francisco has it’s geeks and fags, LA is up to it’s balls in vanity and New York is…well I didn’t quite understand your point about New York except that everyone goes there to die (jeez, someone didn’t get enough hugs when they were a kid…) but the great thing about DC is, we have them all! Everyone “swarms here” and makes it a more interesting and diverse place. And sure some of them suck, but if we didn’t have jackasses to make fun of, what the fuck would we do all day? I know I would have 60% less material to write about and a whole lot less to laugh at on a daily basis. Plus, sometimes these douche bags can turn out to be interesting people and good friends. Remember Anonymous; we can’t all be as perfect as you. Having friends that are different from you is a good thing, it makes you a well-rounded person so you don’t just sit at home on weekends and draft anonymous letters to hate-blogs. I would rather stab myself in the eye than have friends who are all exactly like me. I’ve met myself. So I would like to officially thank the Bros, the White Caps, the preppy Georgetown students, the hipster wannabes on U Street, the drunk sluts in Adams Morgan, the networking, credential comparing geeks on Capitol Hill and every entertaining jerk in between. You make me feel normal, and that’s saying a lot.

And you know what? If you (and I’m talking about the greater you, the anti-DC community as a whole) don’t like it here so much, then you can get the fuck out. Leave! Christ, I’m so sick of your whiny drivel about what a shitty town this is, chock full of networking, fake, career climbing, pretentious snobs. This is our Nation’s capitol, home of American politics, what the fuck else did you expect?

Ambitious people are annoying; as someone who’s incredibly lazy and unmotivated, I agree. But if you can’t handle it, leave! I grew up a shake outside of DC and then went to college at AU (epicenter of the self-important and over-achieving). At the end of those 22 years, I felt like I had to get out, so I can understand your frustration. But you know what I did when I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore? I left. Funny how that sort of makes sense. And after a year in NYC, I missed this “plague ridden penalty box” and actually came back for another spanking!

Nietzsche once said, “If you can’t see the views through the trees, you need to chop them motherfuckers down.” Actually it wasn’t Nietzche, it was P. Diddy, but he still has a valid point. If there’s something wrong in your life, get up and fix it. Nobody wants your pseudo-intellectual smug self here (there are too many of you as it is,) so just grace another city with your presence. Yes, DC is annoying, the people kind of suck, it’s really hot in the summer, there’s a high crime rate, the nightlife sucks, blah blah blah—BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE! No one is asking you to stay. In fact, I, Meg of 2birds1blog, DC metro area resident of 23 years am formally asking you to get the fuck out of my town. You’re just adding to the rush hour cluster fuck and dwelling in the apartments I only wished I lived in.

Actually liking DC probably makes me a douche bag in the eyes of old Anonymous, but I’m going to do something even more douche-tastic and leave you with an appropriate Sex and the City quote:

“If you can only have one great love, then the city just may be mine. And I don't want nobody talkin' shit about my boyfriend.”


Marissa said...

I get a kick out of the I hate people who hate DC crowd. It's such a defensive community. When I lived in NYC plenty of people would complain about hating NYC. I loved it. But I never really got defensive about it. Instead, when someone would come up and complain of having their dreams killed, I just shrugged and said, "Sounds like a personal problem." And sometimes, when a small sliver of humanity would show through my circuitry and wires, I'd even ask them to expound on their feelings. Lo and behold, more often than not they'd have a valid point, like the anonymous poster you quoted.

I agree with him (or her), the majority (not all) of the people in DC do a lot to douche up what could be a fine city. You kind of admitted it when you said they "suck," no?

Anyway, this far-too-long, stream of concsiousness, quite possibly non-sensical morning blog comment does have a point, albeit circuitous: Look at the I hate DCers as critics. People, places and things need critics. They make you think. Some are more constructive than others, sure, but just saying across the board to all of them, "Get the fuck out of MY city," really just fuels the fire and works against you. Most of us who dislike this place are here for work. Yet despite that, we don't want to talk about it all the damn time, which makes for the culture clash, at least in my opinion. Oh, and the pleated khakis...sick. But for the sake of semi-brevity, I won't get started on that.

Well, I hope to e-gods that this extra-meta comment defending those who hate DC against those who hate those who hate DC (whoa) has some sort of decipherable point and not that many typos. If not, I apologize. It's early.

No Faith In Humanity said...

let's be friends

dcpeg said...

Interesting take, Marissa. I can agree with some of what you said, though with perhaps a little more pity for the misguided who don't "get" DC.

Having lived here for 40 years, I can tell you it's changed radically in the past 10. Gentrification has ruined some marvelous old neighborhoods that used to give DC a distinctly egalitarian feel.

I grant that newcomers have a really hard time finding their "fit". It can take years to make real friends who aren't here just to complain about being here.

People also need to keep in mind that Congress micro-manages our fair city. We're talking about guys from both extremes of the political spectrum. Makes for a messy, frustrating lifestyle. Still, there are genuinely caring people here working their tails off at nonprofits and associations, trying to "make the world a better place."

Life in DC is never boring once you get out and into it. A personal investment of time and conversation can make a believer out of anyone! Gotta give up that comfort zone to meet and get to know the real DC. We aren't all buggers!!

Anonymous said...


Unknown said...

This hyperbolic display of intentional discrepencies upon the city thereof and upon, is an absolute mockery of the intended parties. Shmiggity Smiggity Shmo. Translation: Drunky drunky fart poodle.

Love, anonymous

Grant said...

Well, I grew up outside DC and went to college at UMCP, and I felt I had to leave, too. Embarking on month nine in NC, and I can't say I miss Maryland or DC yet. We'll see.

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