10.03.2008

A Reaction to the Vice-Presidential Debate

Considering all of the negative things I’ve said about Sarah Palin in the past few weeks, I know you came here to read a biased, lefty, bleeding-heart liberal review of last night’s Vice-Presidential debate. But I’m gonna go ahead and have ta disappoint ya. Yesterday, at about 6:45pm when I was going ta pick up a gyro for dinner, I found Jesus and got saved. I know! I’m just as surprised as ya are that Jesus was hiding in a Greek Taverna on Georgia Avenue, but Gosh darnit, there he was! He spoke ta me and said that Sarah Palin is one of his prophets and I should strive ta be more like her, and if I did, my reward would be waitin' for me in heaven.

I wasted no time and began my quest ta become more like Sarah Palin. I started by studying her appearance. She’s got some great pointers on makeup, dontcha know! I’ve already tweezed my eyebrows so they resemble a frown and really love how she paints on her own bone structure with blush that’s two shades darker than it should be. Heck, I love it so much I just took a Sharpie ta my own face and drew on the high cheekbones and nose I’ve always wanted! So much for those corporate fat cats with their Beverly Hills pricey plastic surgery!

Since I’m just a Nancy-Normal, Sally Six-Pack, Melissa-Mediocre, Community College Carissa and Diana Drop-Out, I don’t know a danged thing about the Vice-Presidential candidate’s political views. Now that I watched the debate, I honestly believe that Sarah Palin is the right decision ta lead these great United States inta the future! Now before you get your Eskimo in an igloo, hear me out!

Right off the bat, ya gotta give Sarah points for asking if she can call Senator Joe Biden, plain old “Joe.” I mean, in God’s eyes we’re all equal! So what ya spent thirty-plus years serving in government office? Big whoop! You’re just Joe ta me! That’s why I call my doctor plain old “Rick,” and my pastor “Steve,” and the judge in my underage alcohol case “Linda.” You folks, God bless ya, are no better than me, I don’t care what fancy doo-dahs come before or after your name!

After the first question and answer of the night, I knew Sarah Palin was the candidate for me. I want the people leading our government ta be opinionated, strong Mavericks! I don’t want someone who’s actually gonna answer the question asked—no thank you! She didn’t come all the way to Missoura to answer random political questions and defend herself when attacked by that mad man! Still, always the lady, she handled herself under pressure. For example when that big bully Gwen asked her what she thinks the cause of our current “climate crisis” is, she took the high road and said she "doesn’t want ta argue the causes.” Sarah Palin is no dumb moose, she’s not gonna fall inta that trap and address the issue! So you can drill, baby, drill someone else for thoughtful answers!

As someone who’s currently in a little bit-a credit card debt, I was inspired by Palin's mantra that “never again shall we be taken advantage of by the predatory money lenders!” That’s right Sarah, we’ll never be taken advantage of again! Take back the afternoon! And if we are taken advantage of, even in the case of incest, we won’t abort our money problems with a “bailout!” NEVER AGAIN!

I could barely understand Joe’s political mumbo-jumbo up there. I appreciated that Palin talked ta the audience on a personal level. Like we’re just-a couple-a neighbors at a Sunday supper, discussin’ politics over a few cold ones and huffin' some paint thinner. I don’t want the government inside Washington to be full of Washington-insiders! I want my country ta be run by a united militia of Joe-Six-Packs:
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and Hockey Moms:
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I mean, Sarah Palin herself admitted that she’s only been doin’ this Presidential candidacy thing for five weeks, bless her heart, and look how great she’s doin’!

For example, she’s got the answer ta our nation’s health care problems. I agree with her 100% that we need to get Gary Government’s hand outta our pockets and buy our own darn health care! Sure Blue Cross just denied my application for independent health care coverage on the grounds that I’ve been treated for depression, but government provided health care?? What is this, Communist Russia?! I’d rather be a bit of a Grumpy Gus than have Uncle Sam holdin’ my hand in the waiting room, thank ya very much!

About half way through the debate, the real hard-hittin’ issues were addressed. Of course the fancy issue of civil rights for sissies had to be brought up…Thank goodness Sarah stood her ground firmly and stated flat-out that if the question asked was to be defined as did she agree with the Senator that a question was asked regarding civil rights and not gay marriage, then an answer was given which resembles the answer given previously by the Senator regarding the civil liberties of the aforementioned parties depending not on what the definition of civil liberties, not gay marriage, is and thus agreed with him that a question was once asked. How can ya argue with such a straightforward, hard-hittin’ Maverick?

As someone who once took a boot camp work out class at the gym, ya can betcha I was payin’ close attention to the candidate’s policies on the War in Iraq. First of all, I don’t know why Joe was gettin’ so emotional about this topic. His son is only in the Coast Guard for cry-eye! If a beach party runs out of Coronas, I’m sure he’ll be the first one they call in. Quit being such a baby and put your white flag of surrender down!

Then there was a whole buncha talk on nuke-ya-lurr affairs that might as well have been in Latin, ya know? The closest I’ve ever been to Pakistan is the 7-11 around the corner and let me tell ya, they got a buncha scratch-offs and some darn good taquitos, but no nuke-ya-lurr weapons. I took a potty break here and came back just in time to hear Palin talk passionately about how John McCain knows how ta win a war! Darn tootin’ he does! Not only does John McCain know how ta win a war, he knows how ta grab a speedin’ bullet outta mid-air. And shoot webs. And jump from building ta building. And get the girl in the end (have ya seen Cindy? She’s gotta shape ta her!)

My favorite part of the election would have ta have been when Gwen asked the candidates how they would lead the country in the super unlikely event that the President died and they become Commander-in-Chief. Palin said that she would continue McCain’s good work and put the government back on the side of the people. Only a true American like her would make our government a little less "Ivy League" and a little more Wasilla Main Street! Her ticket officially had my vote when she said that she wants her government ta be a representation of how average Wasilla working-class Americans want their government ta be. Which of course is a government that advocates free beer, a 24 hour Wal-Mart superstore in every town and uncensored Larry the Cable Guy specials on Comedy Central. Get ‘er done Sarah!

At the end of the debate, I think Sarah clinched the election officially. She spoke ta me, right ta my heart y’all! She explained that the person elected ta be the leader of our country has ta talk the talk, walk the walk…and knock the knock...spock the spock, crock the crock and...frock the frock! Don’t even try to defend yourself Joe, because she’ll call ya out in an adorable way like when she said, “Say it aint so, Joe!” ...What with your afro. High on the plateau. I recently rented Semi-Pro. My favorite designer on Project Runway is Korto. I love The Hills, but hate Lo…

Yea Joe, can’t argue with that, can ya? This is real American politics. And God bless America! Wink!

4 comments:

Anna said...

MEG, the American work-force is entrenched in the American work-force of the hardworking stay-at-home-moms and school teachers; her brother should be teacher-of-the-year in her eyes! Shout out to Mooseville Elementary in Wasilla County on Main St. She wants to specifically shout out to Suzie Tompkins, Lizzy Lotkie, Johnny Miller. Oh she could go on and on dontchya know?! But back to debatin'. Back to the real issues. Energy. It's one of her favorite words/only word she knows so she's gonna turn the debate back to her/McCain's policy no matter what the question is! What about pro-life/choice matters? ENERGY! It takes energy to just say no to an abortion no matter how tempting it may be in one's situation...............................................SPEAKING OF ENERGY!

Speaking of energy for real though, how the fuck am I supposed to muster up the energy to continue through this American work day? This all-American pie 9 to 5 or in my case 9 to fucking 6. Well snipe me, snag me, and stuff me like a moose. It doesn't matter because I'll get my reward in heaven. Peace fuckers. I hope the chair falls and the kid dies.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHAHAHA, that is the most ridiculous(ly funny) responsive i've ever gotten to anything i've written ever.

you need a new job. maybe i'll focus all of my ENERGY on being your personal recruiter. i mean, i can't find myself a job...maybe that's not the best recommendation for my services, but I'm confident I could find you one.

icanseerussiafrommyhouse said...

well played, milady.

well played indeed.

CK

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