How to age gracefully...

This morning I sat down, coffee in hand, and flipped through a Harriet Carter catalogue forwarded from my grandma’s old house. Harriet Carter is like an “as seen on TV” company geared towards the elderly. They sell cell phones with giant buttons; loofahs on comically extended rods; sentimental afghans etc.

I was pretty psyched to look through the catalogue because I’m incredibly lazy and appreciate unnecessary and slightly embarrassing tools to make my life easier (who can forget the Hanukkah I got the Gopher Grabber and used it so much it broke within the first two weeks and it felt unnatural to pick things up with my hands again?)

I feel like that catalogue just gave me a horribly misguided education on the needs and interests of the elderly. Basically the catalogue offers many variations of the following crucial senior citizen products:

Memorial Ornaments
Now maybe it’s just because my way to deal with death is to stick my fingers in my ears and say “LALALA-nbody-died-everything-is-fine-just-bury-it-deep-down-LALALALA!” but the last thing I want to see dangling on my tree Christmas morning is a picture of my dead family member and/or pet reminding me they’re celebrating Christmas with Jesus that year. But again, that’s just me.

Left-Handed Paraphernalia
Maybe I don’t get this because I’m a “rightie” (KILL RIGHTIE!…bwahaha…I’m so sorry) but I don’t understand left-handed pride, or why the elderly specifically have a lot of it. I mean, being a leftie isn’t really an accomplishment or a skill; it’s just the way you are and it doesn’t really say anything about you. It confuses me for the same reason I don’t understand people who are really proud of being a PC or Mac user. It’s like, OK. Would you like to know an arbitrary fact about myself that I’m oddly proud of? I wear a size 7 1/2 shoe and prefer to write in black ink. Where’s my t-shirt?

A dickey will never not be funny to me. Ever. When I was living with Blair, he bought a jacket with a removable hooded dickey and sometimes would walk around the apartment just wearing the dickey with the hood up. It was so LOLZ I laugh about it now in retrospect. However, isn’t it slightly condescending to think the elderly can’t handle layers?

Personal Sound Amplifiers
I actually do understand the purpose and importance of these, I just wanted an excuse to link one of my all time favorite infomercials (specifically note how the old man comically turns his head 1 minute and 12 seconds into the video. Blair and I could re-enact it for days):

Novelty T-Shirts/Mugs/Caps
These will always boggle my mind. You know the girls who wear those “Hold my beer while I steal your BoYfRiEnD!” or “Someone take my credit card before I SHOP AGAIN!” t-shirts? These are what they replace their wardrobe with when they become senior citizens. It’s like Spencer’s Gifts comes in and takes over your closet when you reach a certain age. Audrey Hepburn would have never worn a "I can fix it!...Where's the duct tape?!" t-shirt.

Fart Jokes
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m don’t mean to seem holier than thou or pretentious with this post. I love a good fart joke as much as the next girl (and maybe more). However, I want to say publicly here and now, if anyone (and I do mean anyone) refers to me as an “old fart” after the age of 35, I will rip off my dickey, turn down your personal sound amplifier and kill your leftie ass. Kill it dead. Put that in an ornament and stick it on your tree.


Talia said...

all of this stuff reminds of our joke or things that are sparkly and pink that say:

too dangerous 4 uz

99% devil 1% angel (with a little kitten w/ horns)

take a pic it lazt longer

glamorous and guilty of it ;)

I bought a snow cone machine.. but who hasn't?

and the list goes on..

Becca said...

Dickeys are helpful dude. Seriously. They are.

Anonymous said...

OH NO MEN IN THE KITCHEN!!! You forgot that one.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

talia- i honestly think you have a career in designing those t-shirts. also i'm using the word "lazt" for the rest of my life.

becca- i thought i knew you...

teresa- team up with talia. also i have to tell you about the most luda dream i had about you.

Unknown said...

i need alot of those things- fart slipper, nagging teeshirt, guy in sonic ear video----LOVE HIM!!!!!

CK said...

"wait until dad sees the new fishing reel we got him!"
god, i forgot about that. thank you for that.

Tim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mayle said...

I just almost choked after reading "rip my dickey off."

I just got into your blog and have made it my personal mission to go through all of the archives while at work with loads to do :)

Tom said...

I dont want to age lol, but the best way to age well is not smoking! I use e cigarettes to quit! And I feel great.

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