12.09.2008

Behold! A CYBER MEEK!

Ok, my hippie karma-collecting streak lasted all of one day. I’m sorry oh Higher Power, but it’s just not me. I tried to be calm, positive and forgiving, but how am I expected not to rip people apart with my rapier wit when they so blatantly ask for it? Although I do want to collect good karma and land my dream job, I can’t abandon my position as President of E.M.O. (the End Meeks Offensive) or abandon my War on Social Terrorism. Wherever there is social injustice, I’ll be there. Wherever a co-worker is being passive aggressive, you shall find me. Wherever a Meek is ruining a good person’s day, I will damn well be there to knock the metaphorical books out of their hands and shove them into a metaphorical locker. I don’t care if I’m unemployed for the rest of my life, I will never declare a premature Mission Accomplished on my War on Social Terrorism as long as mean geeks like Anonymous ruin the day of kind and good people like Miss Cleveland Park on the blog DC Nearly Weds.

Yea, that’s right, we have a cyber Meek on our hands. That’s the worst kind. My friend Rachel text messaged me last night that her wedding blog had a hater, and asked what should she do about it. I headed over to her blog to check out the damage expecting some ho to have commented, “HATEZ YO DRE$S” or something and was prepared to reference the T.I. song “Hi Hater” when I saw the comment Rachel was referring to. And by comment, I mean thesis. And one sentence in, I knew it was the work of a Meek. My blood boiled, my fangs descended all "True Blood" style and I sharpened my claws ready to rip this Meek a new one in order to make the world right again. If you were looking forward to the new more positive and family-friendly Meg, you might not want to read on. Sorry Meeky baby, this was long overdue:

Let me just clarify what the Meek got so riled up about: Rachel got a call from a talk show about appearing on a bridal weight loss competition and she posed the question to her blog readers if they thought she should do it or not. The Meek felt the need to weigh in on the matter (pun intended!).

First of all, a simple yes or no really would have sufficed Meek. Christ. I tried to read your response and lost interest after the first sentence:
“Considering our generation's enthusiastic abandonment of personal privacy for overwhelming (and electronic) candor, going on a show and revealing your weight, wedding date, and personal struggle to get fit seems like a logical continuation of the trend.”

Holy SAT prep course, cool out. When someone has to break out the Nerd-English-English-Nerd dictionary to translate your comment, you might just want to not comment at all. Because to me it all just sounds like “blah blah blahblahblahblahnerdtalk” and I don’t even know whether or not you support Rachel. I just know you irritate me.

Next, you would comment anonymously. I honestly have no problem with people posting anonymous comments here on 2b1b (and I encourage it!), unless you're trying to start shit with me, as you were trying to do with Rachel. If you’re starting shit, reach your hand down your pants, grab your nutsack, and leave your name. Because you’re a Meek, you probably have a totally unfortunate nerd name like Beatrice Gaymeister, but it’s the Internet. The Internet was made for nerds like you and you can create a fake little username like 2Smart4U to post under so people can respond while not knowing your real identity (so we don’t snap your glasses in half in real life.)

You point out and judge the shit out of Rachel for losing her privacy via her blog and theoretical appearance on this TV show. Look nerd, not all people are civilians by day and super heroes by night; life isn’t one big comic book. Rachel doesn’t have anything to hide; she’s networking because that’s what socially capable people do. She’s already injected herself into the public sphere by creating a blog, so I don’t think her life will crumble if she’s even more accessible via a TV appearance. She’s putting a small part of her life out there so other people can relate and give her feedback, try not to piss your khaki-pleated-pants at the concept.

Meeky goes on…
“Often people see being on television as its own end. Why? The ironically anonymous commenter above me wrote, "you are so hot...so work your stuff on national tv!" Why? So more people will know you are hot? For average individuals who have nothing to contribute to the world of daytime television, nor anything to gain besides some gifts you would get anyway from your registry, the only point of being on television is an indulgent narcissism. If you are a narcissist, or an extreme materialist, then television is the way to go.”

See now I understand why you posted this under “Anonymous.” Because if you ever said that to Rachel in my presence in real life, I would give you the hardest backhanded bitch slap of your life. You would fly out of your sensible penny-loafers. Meek, you are socially retarded. I’m not kidding, if the chick who posted this comment is reading my blog right now, I want you to go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror and say (out loud,) “I am a social retard. I am the problem. I have no right giving someone a solution.” I’m serious. You had to be home schooled because people in normal society know that it’s not polite to refer to a stranger as “an average individual” with “nothing to contribute to the world of daytime television” and call them an indulgent, materialist narcissist. What the fuck is wrong with you? If I could reach into my computer and give you an atomic wedgie, I would.


Then you go on for a few days about the health risks of shows like “The Biggest Loser” and how 20 pounds is a lot of weight to lose and blah blah blah blah. I’m sure you had some scientific and psychologically sound points there but after reading a few lines, I got a bloody nose and re-grew my virginity from absorbing your Meek-ness.

“…if you are the type of person who would go on television to find a man and get married (a la "The Bachelorette"), then go on television to lose weight. If you value your private life, your health, and your future more than fame and material goods, then you should stay away.

Besides, you should be focused on getting married and not with your next scheduled appearance on television.”

WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. YOU? Rachel just wants to lose weight, have fun and win some door prizes! Why? Because she’s a super cute fun girl! It’s not a big deal! She’s not getting a televised gyno-exam or puking her DNA all over your television screen with her Social Security number tattooed on her forehead, so don’t worry that she’s putting her “private life, health and future” in jeopardy. Christ! I would go on, but I've run out of insults and I think this spanking has been bad enough. Now get out of here with your TI-83 calculator and bad attitude and learn how to interact with people.

29 comments:

Rachel said...

hahaah thanks, I think

Rachel said...

Thanks 2B1B. I feel like yelling BOOOYAH in her cyber face

Anonymous said...

Perfect! That loser needs to get a life! Thank you for backing up Ms. Cleveland Park!

I love you RM! You are the best and I can't wait to see you on tv (if you decide)! I already have a co-worker who wants your autograph! Seriously.

TC

No Faith In Humanity said...

Ah, the internet was created for these people. I have been burning to write about the meek at my office, but I'm afraid she's too tech-savvy and will find it, read it, and kill me with my letter opener. I will have to live vicariously through your blog yet again.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Really?? Now I'm dying to know about your Meek!

SayHey Kid said...

Behold!! The Nightmare

Remind me to bring a really big gun if I am ever in a knife with you (as Ms. Meek should have done in the first place).

But I couldn’t agree with you more. If her royal Meekness left her high and mighty throne, and took some time to know MCP (as I do), and not blatantly demean the point of the topic, she would know that her entire point is complete garbage.

On a side note- If Ms. Meek truly believed in the crap that was harvested in her pea sized brain, then why would she have to hide her identity? Sure, she is a staunch supporter of "privacy", but you simply cannot thuggishly smack someone while wearing a mask.

SHK of LSWTF

Jack Gonzo, MD said...

Now defend nerds/dorks/geeks and those of our feather, they tend not to be the one of their horses speaking about the evils reality television, unless it cancelled their favorite show. They know nothing of health so they couldn't possibly by crying about the damage to The Biggest Loser (which the comment in itself is bs). How they could ever cry about adding nothing to the daytime television makes no sense as I don't believe there can be anything added to daytime television except more Not The Fathers. A nerd can't be complaining because, let's be honest, we're usually up all night gaming and sleeping through the day to be able to know anything about daytime television.

I do believe though that a person who fits this mold can be seen in Good Will Hunting. The person who fancies himself the uber-intellectual. Who knows all far better then you ever could and should listen to his sagely advise and save yourself from the agony that no doubt awaits your decisions. This is also the man, cause let's face it this was a man, who is single and doesn't understand why those inferior to him are able to date but women can't take his constructive criticism and continue to see him.

In the end there is only one answer, this man is none other then Red Herring.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

for the record, i'm cool with nerds/dorks/geeks.

it's when nerds/dorks/geeks are MEAN (mean + geek = meek) that i step in and lay the smack down. checks and balances, my friends. checks and balances.

samuel "screech" powers had superior intellect, but he was always kind-hearted and nice. this got him far in life. he became assistant principal down the line. jesse spannow was one smug, cold-hearted super brain. where did that land her? two words: stripper pole.

Anonymous said...

aaaaaahahahhahahahaha

jessie spano for life

<3 ash.

Ashley said...

I am so glad someone else pointed out that "feet =/= FEAT". Seriously, one typo of that caliber and you just undermined everything else you said. Silly little meek. At least be good at what you do.

Screech is supposed to be at a comedy club here on Thursday. It made me laugh. Slash, I'm tempted to pay the $10 and go...just to say I saw Screech.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Shit I'll go with you.

No Faith In Humanity said...

I live in fear of Wednesdays, when she is my desk coverage person. She fingers everything in sight, coughs directly into the candy dish, and steals my pens. She throws her work on my desk and demands help, then takes the credit for what I do.

One time--no lie--she went into my Outlook and printed out my emails, since I had one from a coworker she harbors dirty feelings for. I didn't have proof at the time but she's done it since, so now I have to password-protect EVERYTHING.

Another time, she came into the office, super excited about her new wardrobe, that came "from an estate sale! That means the lady is DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

But no amount of explanation could prepare you for actually having contact with her.

If you try and call her out on something, she will run away. Literally run. Like hundred meter dash run.

Bizarre.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

wow...we need to get a cage and a water dish so i can examine the creature STAT!

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