Introducing Recrap Tuesdays!

New feature alert! Every Tuesday my estranged NYC roommate/BFF Chris (also known as Blair from back in the 2b1b day when I was way more careful and used pseudonyms) will be recapping NYC's answer to The Hills: The City. I could listen to Chris analyze pop culture for hours, so I thought I would share his wisdom and hilarity with you. Tuesdays will also feature my recap of Brody Jenner's Bromance. Yea, that's right, I plan on watching Bromance religiously. I have no apologizes. Considering my love and fascination with Bros, this show is like porn to me.

That being said, there's no recap of this week's Bromance. I went to see West Side Story with my family tonight and my parent's think DVR is witchcraft. Maybe I'll watch it online and get that up later today. God knows I love a good play about a race war, but it really takes it out of a girl! Anyway, enjoy Chris' double episode recap!

The City
Whitney, Whitney, Whitney. I always liked you on The Hills. Drama-free, sound advice, pretty, and actually maybe too smart to be on reality TV. When you took that spill on national TV, I cried for you, since you were somehow able to remain composed (you know LC would have been a mascara streaked SHOW after that) and I was genuinely excited for you when you got the job at Diane von Furstenberg, because as far as dream jobs go, that’s pretty high up there. But then when I heard this job was going to be turned into a Hills spin-off, I thought “Can this work?” Reality TV shows of The Hills variety are like tiny universes where, instead of gravity, all things are kept in motion by the drama created by its central star. On The Hills, Whitney spent much of her time in the periphery of LC’s orbit, looping around a few times to offer some advice about what LC should be doing and who she shouldn’t be talking to. Giving Whitney her own show is a bit like giving Jupiter its own universe.

So, I guess you could say I was a bit skeptical of The City. But I decided to tune in for the following reasons: 1) Since Spencer Pratt’s flesh moustache makes me uncomfortable and I can no longer watch The Hills, The City seems like an excellent alternative.2) There is a slight chance that DVF herself will grace my television screen once more, now that Project Runway is skittering off to Lifetime. 3) There is also an off-chance I could appear in stock footage, or better yet, in the background of a scene.

And so we begin. Whitney pleasantly introduces herself and a few of her friends: Erin, who is a real “downtown girl” (which I’ve taken to interpret as “not uptown” since Gramercy is not nearly as downtown as other parts of the city); Jay, the Australian singer/Justin Bobby stand-in who Whitney is head over 4-inch heels in love with; Adam, Jay’s roommate, a model, and a “downtown guy” (also, a less thug Channing Tatum); Adam’s girlfriend, who for the time being is nameless, but I’m sure her squished face will reappear with a name; and Olivia, a “social” (because even saying “socialite” is too much work) who is your classic Plastic/Heidi Montag/Blair Waldorf/generic bitch, and I shall call her Heidi Waldorf.

Then we are introduced to the two most important characters on the whole show: Whitney’s gams. (Seriously, I’d ask you to take a shot for every time her legs get screen time, but frankly, I don’t wish cirrhosis on any of you.) Our dear Whit shows up to her first day in a tiny yellow dress, which receives stares from the horny construction men she saunters past. Unauthorized ho #1 shows Whitney the office. In short: “Here are three desks. Olivia sits here. Meeting in 15. Peace!”

Cut to Olivia, Devil-Wears-Prada style, slow mo walking into work. She really doesn’t seem that bad, but I cannot get over her resemblance to Blair Waldorf. Uncanny. She does not acknowledge poor Whit’s existence, so Whit decides to be the better person and chat her up. Instead of doing actual work for the first 15 minutes of her job, Whitney fills Heidi Waldorf in on the intricacies of her personal life and her budding romance with Jay. H.Dubs casually drops into the conversation the exclusive dinner party she’s having, and pointedly does not invite Whitney. The hazing begins!

In work related news: Whit’s first day went swimmingly, and blah blah blah Fashion Week blah. Did anyone else notice that most of the other woman at that staff meeting had really bad hair? And made some sour faces upon Whitney’s introduction? I’d be bitter too if some young leggy blonde waltzed in here last week and snatched the job I’d been clawing my way towards my whole career without so much as an ounce of effort. But then again, have you seen Whitney’s legs? (If you’ve been watching The City for even five minutes, then the answer is a resounding yes)

After work, Whit goes to her friend Erin’s apartment. They discuss work for a hot second, and immediately Erin asks about Whitney’s upcoming date with Jay that night. Whitney is excited to get her mind off work. Already? You’ve been there a day, and frankly, it did not look that stressful.

Anyway, she heads off to Nero, wearing another short dress, this time in black. (She does look great, but what is this girl going to wear when it gets cold? Inquiring minds want to know.) There she meets Jay, a man who looks better when the sun goes down, which leads me to believe he is, in fact, a vampire. They talk about Whit’s job and settling into the city. Jay is playing his best cards to get into Whitney’s lack of pants: I have an Australian accent! “Can I sing for you tonight?” “If you need a place to stay…” Whitney allows herself to be wooed by the vampire and goes back to his place, where I’m sure they slept in different beds and nothing unchaste happened.

Whitney recaps the date for Erin at Erin’s apartment (but I’m confused, does Whitney live there? Or does she have a place of her own?) which is almost as boring as the date itself. Except for Whitney’s coy response to Erin’s inquiry: “Did you go back to his place?” Your silence speaks volumes, Ms. Port.

Next, we get to see Whitney in action at a DVF runway show. I’m confused about Whitney’s actual job, as I thought she was doing PR but then all of a sudden she’s backstage styling and helping to keep the models in order. No matter. We get a brief glimpse of the glorious DVF herself, and some clever editing to make it appear as though Whitney is soaking up her presence, when in fact, Whitney could be staring doe-eyed and smiling at any number of people.

As R. Kelly once told me, after the show it’s the after party, and DVF follows suit with an after party in SoHo. Whitney and Olivia socialize for a bit, Olivia blathers to someone about her belt and how fabulous it is, while Whitney gets pulled aside by Elise, the woman who hired her, and DVF’s right hand woman. Elise basically gushes over Whitney, telling her she’s doing a great job and to keep up the good work. I’m surprised she didn’t tell Whitney to lay off the high heels, since Whitney towered a solid 6 inches over her. We get a cut of Olivia looking pissed, so naturally one expects drama. But when Olivia asks Whitney about what just transpired, for some reason, the news of Whitney’s great work equals an invitation to Olivia’s exclusive dinner party.

At brunch with Jay (wearing, dare I say it? PANTS!) Whitney invites Jay to the dinner party, but he not so politely declines. Not liking Olivia’s friends is probably understandable, considering their queen bee. But the best part of this exchange is when Whitney asks Jay to come to the party “just to hang out with me” and he replies simply with an awkward intake of breath. This does not bode well for our heroine’s love life.

So Jay refuses to go to the dinner party and Erin invites herself instead. Classy. But at least this should create some much needed drama, right?! Olivia and Erin don’t get along, so there will be a catfight, right?! As Whitney and Erin get ready, we cut to Olivia discussing the merits of proper place settings with her cousin Nevan, who may have a touch of the gay. More guests show up, and…wait, this is Olivia’s party? There is one girl here who is kind of frumpy looking, and a bunch of queens. This is definitely Nevan’s party, and he has more than just a touch of the gay. Regardless, Olivia claims she’s “so happy Erin’s here.” Are you kidding?! Where is the drama? Instead of drama, we get awkward toasts to Olivia and Whitney. Hooray, now pass me some champagne so I can forget about the fact that you aren’t fighting. If I had wanted awkward toasting, I would have gone to a wedding.

Meanwhile, at an unnamed bar with a few pool tables, Adam and Jay are playing pool and talking about Whitney. Because that happens. Playing pool with your bro and talking about relationships. To be frank, I didn’t listen to a word they said, as I was mesmerized by Adam’s perfect teeth. Seriously.

Back at the party, Olivia asks Whitney why Jay didn’t come, but being the mature Whitney we know and secretly resent, Whitney does not reply “Because he hates you and your lame friends.” Instead, she plays it off gracefully, which is more than can be said for the downtown girl, Erin. Erin is talking to Olivia, and couldn’t be less interested. “Oh. School in Paris? ::yawn:: That sounds great.” Lucky for her, Jay comes to surprise Whitney, and he stays for approximately 3 seconds before tearing Whitney and Erin from the clutches of Olivia and Nevan. As they leave Nevan’s voice-over lisps “No one has ever left Olivia’s party so fast.”

While this episode was the ultimate in drama cockteases, there is potential for Olivia to bear her bitch fangs and truly be the Mean Girl we all know her to be. Overall I’d give this episode a C: very middle of the road, nothing exciting really happened, but nothing terrible.

But if you thought it was over, you’d be wrong, suckers! There’s another episode!

Episode two starts off with a bang: Alex, the model with whom Whitney went on a date the very first time she came to the city, is back with some vague news about Jay. From Alex’s POV, his roommate’s best friends’ former girlfriend’s soccer coach’s niece (or something like that) may or may not have been with Jay. Biblically. And Jay told this random girl that Whitney and he were definitely not dating. Considering Whitney has only been in NYC for a week, I think this could be fairly legitimate. I mean, were you technically dating? Are you even dating now? I believe she told Olivia at the party last episode “I’m not his girlfriend, so what can I do?” Regardless, she takes this news in stride, and relays it to Erin, tear-free (LC, take note). Now Whitney is questioning who she should trust, but really I think if she were the smart girl I know her to be, she’d steal the script for an episode a few weeks in the future to find out what happens. But I digress. So Whitney’s all OMG and Erin OMGs right back. Whitney decides to confront Jay about this, because there is no better way to cause drama resolve problems.

(We also find out that Whitney does not have an apartment in the city and is crashing at Erin’s apartment. Interesting. I would have thought MTV would have set her up with a place. Is this just one of many signs of the failing economy when C-list reality TV stars cannot find affordable housing?)

More bro talk with Jay and Adam (that sounds like a segment on a sports radio show…and I like it). Distracted by the discussion with my roommate regarding Adam’s shirtlessness and Jay’s seeming douchebaggery, I hear little of what is said, although I get the gist that it’s something along the lines of “I mean, we were never really dating.”

Olivia and Nevan are back, dining together at a fancy restaurant. That’s a little strange. If they are going to be the Speidi of this series, they need to not be related. They devise a wicked plan to incorporate Whitney into their elite circle of friends, but they fail to make mention of ultimately crushing her. You are planning on doing that, right Olivan? Nevia? OK this is not going to work. You can’t be the dastardly duo of the series if your combined names sound like an olive oil by-product or a brand of facial cleanser.

Whitney confronts Jay, and lays all her cards on the table, telling him exactly what Alex told her. Jay responds like any guy who has been accused of being unfaithful: vehement denial, bordering on anger. He even tries to call Danielle to prove his innocence (which I think is a bluff, since I believe Jay is a total douchebag and may actually have slept with someone else). According to Jay, he shared a cab with this girl home, and nothing more happened. But I’ve seen Taxi Cab Confessions, and I know that just because you didn’t spend the night in the same apartment doesn’t mean you couldn’t have gotten it on in the cab on the way home.

Whitney clearly has not seen Taxi Cab Confessions and she decides to trust Jay. The next day (or several days later, it’s unclear) Olivia graciously offers to take Whitney to the Manolo Blahnik event at Bergdorf’s, claiming that Manolo is a friend of her family. She tells a cute (read: annoying and a little pathetic) anecdote about her first pair of Manolo Blahniks which she had for her debutante ball.

Before they get to the event, it seems like Olivia is going to own the place, but when they get there, it’s almost as if O-town is Whitney’s shadow, fading into the background as Whit schmoozes with DVF’s buyer at Bergdorf. Olivia chimes in with her story about her deb ball as she and Whit meet Manolo himself. As they are leaving, I’m pretty sure Manolo says “Nice meeting you” to Olivia. Family friend? I think not, Olivia. Now what else have you been lying about?

That night, Whit and Erin are going out with the “downtown crowd” which includes Jay, Adam, and his girlfriend Allie. If the bumping beats of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” are any indication, this should be a fun night for our girl Whitney. (I found it poetic that they start up that particular song as the camera pans over the Statue of Liberty. Maybe the ultimate single lady?) Everyone is out having fun, including Erin, who clearly mustn’t have seen a mirror because that spangled hat will probably ruin her night when she realizes how ridiculous it looks. Unfortunately, in the coincidence of all coincidences, Alex is at the same bar. This does not sit well with the downtown crowd, or with Alex. Either Whitney/Jay/Erin/etc. have bionic hearing or they can read our subtitles because they do not seem thrilled about what Alex has to say to the girl next to him. Unauthorized ho #2 (or Shannon as she prefers to be called) tells Alex to go say something, so he talks to Jay, while she whispers into Whitney’s ear about “blah blah blah New York New York New York blah blah”. (Honestly, that girl said the words New York like ten times in 30 seconds, in case anyone had just tuned in and perhaps thought they were watching The Hills). Jay and Alex’s talk does not go well, as Jay gets increasingly more angry, and tells Alex “She likes me. She doesn’t like you.” Deal with it. Just when you thought Alex was down and out, he counters with the prophetic “The truth will reveal itself.” And just like that, the fight is over with nary a spilled drink or thrown punch. Still, Whitney looks pretty frazzled. What to do?

Clearly go to brunch. Jay and Whitney take some time the next day to dine at Extra Virgin, and rehash their night last night. Although Jay seems to have grown a lot more hair since last night. Anyway, they decide to just not talk about. Wise. That’s a great way to deal with problems. So instead of talking to Jay about Jay, Whitney meets up with her former boss Kelly Cutrone of People’s Revolution. They shoot the shit, but all I could think of was doesn’t Kelly have more important things to do than listen to Whitney’s boy problems. They talk about Alex, which leads to Jay, which leads to Kelly’s sage advice: “Maybe you can’t trust both of them.” Scene.


Talia said...

Heidi Waldorf.

couldn't have said it better my self. well done mr. kelly, well done.

Anonymous said...

I cannot tell you how excited I am for recap Tuesdays! I can't tear my eyes away from Bromance, just waiting for the moment where one of those bros breaks down in tears (side note: i knew the gay guy wouldn't last).

H Dubs may be my new favorite character..potential.

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