As I write this post, I’m on Connecticut Avenue in front of the Uptown, staking out a prime spot in line to get Quantum of Solace tickets for tonight’s opening night show. Because my secret ultimate fantasy is to be a Bond Girl, I’m dressed in character: black leather cat suit (halfway unzipped naturally, with my cleavage out from here to Oh-HIOOOO!), go-go boots, big hair and a pistol aimed and ready. I’m sorry. That’s a blatant lie. I’m in my bed ordering tickets on Fandango in sweat pants. But my hoodie is slightly unzipped...
I’m a big James Bond fan. From Connery to the forgotten Lazenby to Moore to Dalton (and how!) to Brosnan and finally to Craig; no other Aryan man with a penchant for vodka and wry comedic timing puts my knickers in a twist quicker.
James Bond movies manage to combine all of the necessary ingredients needed to make an entertaining film and roll it into one, dress it in Burberry, put it in an Astin Martin and then blow it up in your face. And when that’s all said and done, just kill yourself because life doesn’t get any better than this. Two hours of action, comedy, impressive gadgetry, sexy sophisticated men, sweaty sexy sophisticated men fighting other sexy sophisticated men, slutty babes with pornographic names, Dame Judi Dench, expensive cars, exotic and beautiful scenery, cocktails, gowns, romance, betrayal, explosions, and most importantly the over-the-top sexual puns! If you replaced the sexual puns with “that’s what she said,” jokes, a James Bond movie would just be a day-in-the-life of yours truly.
And Daniel Craig. I mean, nuff said? I don’t throw the term “soul mate” around lightly, but I’m almost positive we’re destined to be together forever in the celestial kingdom of heaven. Here’s how I imagine it:
Yea, you’re welcome for that. All right, I know you boozehounds came here for the drinking game and not for my James Bond fantasies, so get your assignment from M, check in with Miss Moneypenny and double check your parachute—it’s time for the Quantum of Solace Drinking Game!
It goes without saying, but only top shelf vodka should be used for this game. If you’ve never had the pleasure of sneaking a flask into a movie theater and getting slowly toasty, maybe it’s time you do so and start living.
Take a Drink When:
- After the opening scene. History tells us, they’re usually pretty badass.
- Likewise at the end of the movie (or the beginning as with Octopussy) when Bond inevitably blows up the bad guy’s base.
- “My name is Bond, James Bond.”
- A sexy girl is introduced by her porno-esque name (what will Quantum of Solace’s heroine’s name be? Pussy von Hustler? Countess Maya Knickersdrop? Chang Kocksucker-Wannafuck?
- Bond gets himself out of a tight situation (and I’m not talking about with the ladies. ZIIIIING!)
- There’s a flashback of Vesper.
- The totally badass and sexy car of the movie is introduced.
- M says Bond! In a belittling or exasperated tone.
- Bond uses a wacky gadget.
- Bond orders his trademark cocktail: a Bennigan’s Strong Island Ice-T.
Have a great weekend and we’ll see you Monday! In the meantime, help some bitches out and recommend 2B1B to a friend! KThnx<3