- You know who I just don’t trust? People who’s parents wouldn’t sign the permission slip to take the sex ed unit in high school. No matter how cool they may seem, you know that part of them still thinks you can’t get pregnant from doing it up the butt.
- You know that part of "Intervention" where the addict goes into the hotel room for their last interview and sees all of their family and friends waiting for them? The three seconds before they realize it’s their intervention when they think they’re at a big secret pizza party in their honor are my favorite three seconds on television. I wish A&E would compile an episode of those moments.
- I’m openly out about the fact that I’m a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fan and am currently on a quest to watch every single episode (I’m currently on disk four of season six, in case you were wondering). However, I need to confess something else Buffy related that’s going to shoot my nerd points further through the roof and maybe alienate a few readers. I have a major crush on one of the Buffy characters, specifically Warren from season six. Oh man. I was all “shit, that guy’s hot!” in season five and now he’s back as season six’s villain and I don’t even know what to do with myself. His name is Adam Busch. It makes sense that on a TV show full of dangerous and sexy vampires, I develop a crush on the average Jewish kid.
- In researching that last random thought, my mind was blown multiple times: 1.) Adam Busch was a panelist on the Nickelodeon show “Figure it Out”! That’s why he looked familiar, and I distinctly remember having a crush on him even back then! 2.) Adam Busch is currently dating the chick who played “Tara” on Buffy. 3.) In reading about the irony of their dating, I read a spoiler that Tara dies later in the season. WTF?! No one warned me! How am I supposed to watch the rest of the season knowing that Warren murders Tara?! 4.) I am 23-years-old living in my parent’s house blogging at 1:30 in the morning about "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I have hit rock bottom.
- I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not black. I always thought that I was a sassy black woman in my heart of hearts, and also a bit of a gangster. However, I keep catching myself in these obnoxiously white situations recently. Like the time I was walking down Wisconsin on the phone with Helena and I had the following outburst: “Damnit! I walked all the way here to find out that the place I thought was a Starbuck’s is actually a Lacoste! Ughhhh! This is the worst day EVER!” Or the time I walked into my room to find a large porcelain “M” I have broken into three pieces after my parent’s cleaning woman had been there. Displacing some anger from earlier in the day, I ran into my mom’s room, threw the pieces on her bed and whined, “LOOK AT WHAT YOUR MAID DID!!! GAWWW-WWWD!!!” I then swiftly bitch-slapped myself and keyed “douche bag” onto the side of my own car. The final nail in the coffin came a few weeks ago at a bar when someone from high school walked over to the table I was sitting at with my friends and said hi and hugged everyone but me. Sure I didn’t know her as well as everyone else, she was a year younger than me and I haven’t seen her in five years, but really? You see me sitting here. Are we really going to pretend that we weren't both on the field hockey team together and I blatantly know you and you blatantly know me? You know me Anonymous Girl From Bar. Don’t act like we weren’t at countless sleepovers and team building exercises together back in the day. Later that night I was listening to T. Pain’s “Hi Hater” when I related the song to my life, specifically the lines:
“U c me Hi Hater Hi hater Hi hater
U c me Hi hater Hi hater Hi hater
U c me Hi hater”
Because come on Anonymous Girl From Bar, you see me! Hi hater!…It was when I realized that I was relating T. Pain (who probably killed someone, let’s not lie)’s song (featuring the lyrics “Wild out pop more champange bitch/Still G'z up. They won't ease up/It's cool N****** hated on Jesus”) to a social faux-pas involving me and a chick I used to play field hockey with not saying hi to me at a bar, that I realized I am the whitest, most middle-class, Michael MacDonald loving, Gap wearing, rhythemless cracker at the lacrosse game. And I’m not proud.
- You know how certain people with Autism are “Idiot Savants” and are somewhat inept but can do one thing really well, a la Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man? What if there was an Idiot Savant who excelled in having sex? Like, he was just dynamite in the sack. Could that ever happen? Only Helena has ever been receptively helpful to this honest-to-God question I have. Everyone else struggles to get beyond how inappropriate and slightly offensive it is to realize that once you think about it, it’s sort of perplexing…right?