- From an article entitled "Asteroid Program Lagging" in this morning's Post Express:
"NASA is charged with spotting most of the asteroids that pose a threat to Earth but does not have the money to complete the job, a U.S. government report says.
That's because even though Congress assigned the space agency that mission four years ago, it never gave NASA the money to build the necessary telescopes, according to the report released Wednesday by the National Academy of Sciences.
Specifically, the mission calls for NASA, by 2020, to locate 90 percent of the potentiality deadly rocks hurtling through space.[...]NASA estimates that there are about 20,000 asteroids and comets in our solar system that are potential threats. They are larger than 460 feet in diameter―slightly smaller than the New Orleans' Superdome."
Hi. I currently have 45 dollars in my bank account. NASA: you are more than welcome to 35 of it. I just need 6 bucks to get a salad this afternoon and 4 bucks to get my "Yay! You made it through the week!" Friday morning latte, and the rest is all yours. Because I've seen Deep Impact. If I were lobbying for NASA funds, I would simply walk into Congress, sit down my laptop, ask people to gather 'round and show the following scene:
Then I would shut my laptop, do an "AND WHAT?!" chest-bump to the crowd and walk out.
- One of my life dreams is to be a tattoo artist. Tattoos and tattoo culture are probably the most fascinating thing in the entire world to me. I know I only have three tattoos, but If it were up to me, I'd have a half-sleeve by now. But it's not up to me. Because I fear my mother's wrath. Diane is one of God's chosen people, so automatically she's not too keen on the idea of tattoos. Plus I think my parents still associate tattoos with criminals, sailors, prostitutes and prison dykes. When I was living in New York, my (completely magical, wonderful, amazing, miss him everyday) therapist, Bart, was really into the idea of me pursuing this dream, so I started sketching more and more and even put together a drawing portfolio so I could get an apprenticeship. When I moved home last year, the dream will still very much alive. I started researching tattoo apprenticeships in DC and found a woman-run studio in Southeast that was hiring apprentices. Now, you could not ask for two more supportive parents than mine. They support all of my wacky dreams and kooky antics and somehow remain proud at the end of the day. Not all parents would be cool with their daughter calling them up all "Yo! I'm quittin' my job and shacking up with you two to write a comedy blog, sooooo you need to come help me move out. KSEEYOUSOONBYEEE!" But they thought that sounded like a great idea. So kudos to them! However, they do not like the idea of me becoming a tattoo artist. I wouldn't even say they don't like it. I would say they don't even tolerate it. They've made it very clear that if I were to seriously pursue this, they would cut me off. I've always kind of resented them a bit for this. I mean, it's not like I want to be a stripper or a hit man. And my parents are both artists! And I'm an artist! And they've always supported that! I'm just switching my medium up. I feel like they should get that. But they don't, so I get all emo and angsty and writhe around in my bed listening to DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince's Parent's Just Don't Understand, screaming at the wall about how no one gets me and my life is a lie. But then I read this in the Express this morning (man, relevant morning for the Express, huh?):
Police: Tattoo Artist Shot Husband to Death in SE [tattoo shop] The co-owner of a Southeast tattoo parlor has been charged with fatally shooting her husband in the head and back. Kristin Kozak, 36, known in the tattoo world as Liquidity Jones, was charged with second-degree murder in the death of a 56-year-old Michael Burnett. Police say Kozak told officers that Burnett was not armed or trying to attack her when she shot him.
Yes. That is indeed the tattoo shop I was thinking of apprenticing at. Hmm. Mom and dad―point taken.
Score: Meg: 0 Parents: 1
- Allison and I want to start a Christian folk-rock band and call it "Thunder Cunt." I can objectively say this is the sixth best idea I've ever had.
- I just had an epiphany. Every time I watch More to Love, I can't help notice that there aren't any minorities on the show. I mean, Kristian is a little ambiguously tan and The Tranny is Israeli, but I don't know if that would fly past the Reverend Jackson. A tan chick and an Israeli tranny = weakest Rainbow Coalition ever. Anyway, in doing More to Love research yesterday, I stumbled upon a bunch of M2L reject audition interviews. They were sad and priceless and LOLz-worthy and I was going to post them today so we could all point and laugh, but then I saw this one:
And that's when I realized, there aren't any black women on the show because black women are too confident. Being heavier in other cultures isn't a huge deal (pun intended,) so they don't have the broken spirit of the over-weight white woman. And this show is all about exploiting that broken spirit for entertainment purposes. How fucked up is that? Imagine how different the show would be if there was a sassy black chick in the mix. Luke would be all, "I know Prom was a very special event that most of us missed out on―" and this chick would interrupt all "BITCH PLEASE! Not only was I there sweeping the floor with it, I was the entertainment:"
Really though. I think Fox should have to legally change the name of More to Love to Homely, Unfortunate White Women in a Dating Situation.
From the Washington City Paper, September 26-October 2, 2008
From the Classified Section
Thick as a dreidel But three times as long…I’m your average jew, but I rock a thong…today is your day… ‘cause I’ll put the “oy in your “vey.” Answer me, we’ll meet…if we hit it off, you’ll see the hole in my sheet… please, no paranoia… I’m really into rockin’ the goya. (and maybe have brunch at sequoia?) if your response rocks, we’ll meet for manischewitz and lox. Oy! Extra points: what rhymes with yarmulke?
O…k…I’m not entirely sure where to start. I can’t decide if I want to marry this guy or find out who he is just to make sure I avoid him at all costs. On one hand, I have to applaud his creative approach to classified writing, but on the other hand, this seems slightly half-assed.
I genuinely want to meet this guy (but not to see the hole in his sheet…) I think this is a good start, but I’m pretty confident I can edit this rough draft into something far more effective. Boo, I’m gonna help you out.
First of all, if you’re going to commit to the “LOLZ! Call me Seth Rogen because I’m just your average funny Jewish guy with a heart of gold LMAO!!!”- schtick, you’re going to have to try a little harder than this. For example, women can do simple math. Regarding your penis size, you allude that it’s three times as long as a dreidel. The average dreidel is half an inch long with a girth of .25 inches. 3 x .5” = 1.5” No woman wants to have sex with a penis that is 1.5 inches long and 1/4 inch thick. I'm not even sure if that qualifies as vaginal intercourse.
You won me back with, “I’ll put the ‘oy’ in your ‘vey,” and the hole in my sheet joke, but overall lost me with your fragmented sentence structure and numerous grammatical errors. It’s like you washed an Ambien down with a bottle of NyQuil before writing this. I don’t care how lame I sound, but nobody is too cool for grammar and correct spelling. Any guy who uses spell check automatically gets a base farther with me on the first date. Look, you already took the time to convince yourself taking out a classified ad isn't pathetic, write this poem and buy the ad space, why not go the extra mile and make sure it reads smoothly? Too busy ironing your thong?
I’m going to guess you’re trying to find yourself a nice Jewish wife. If that’s the case, I’m not too sure how prominently I would mention the fact that you’re really into “rocking the goya.” A nice Jewish girl doesn’t want to have to worry about your slutty Shiksa ex-girlfriend even before the first date.
Aslo, you posted this in the “Wild Side” section of the Classifieds. A nice Jewish boy talking about going out for dinner or brunch at Sequoia has no place in the Wild Side section. Get a little freaky with it! There's no shame in asking for strange ass, but you have to actually ask for it.
I shouldn’t write this for you or else you’ll never learn…oh hell, fine. Take this and thank me when you get laid:
Thick as an Israeli accent And twice as strong…I’m your average Jew, Give you Kosher meat all night long. Call me tonight, don’t wait another day…I’ll make you cry out for Moses and put the “oy” in your “vey” I’m into freaky sex and want amenage a trois… Just me and you, but leave the door open for Elijah. I got latkes in the oven and a brisket in my pants…I know you’re curious girl, so just take a chance. I’ll light your menorah and leave your stomach in knots…My dick is so hard I’m about to plotz! So call right away, we'll chat and meet…if things go well, you’ll see the hole in my sheet.
‘First Dude’ Todd Palin Illustrates Alaska’s Blend of Private and Public “…Todd Palin has become involved in policy, sitting in on his wife’s meetings, traveling on state business and weighing in on some legislative issues. John Harris, the Republican speaker of the Alaska House, said he had never been called by the spouse of a governor before the two calls he got from Todd Palin. One was to argue for moving the state capitol to Anchorage. The other was to ask Harris to 'keep an eye' on a key aide who had an affair with the wife of one of Todd’s best friends. Political hands in both parties say the Palins are often referred to as a team—'Sarah and Todd'—and one Democratic lawmaker said Todd Palin has become her 'de facto chief of staff…."
I would like to reiterate that this is not a political blog nor I am I a political scientist. Usually, I want absolutely nothing to do with anything even remotely political, but for some reason I can’t stop myself from reading about Sarah Palin. She’s like a messy, lane-closing, jaws-of-life-needing car accident that I cannot stop staring at, no matter how many nightmares I know it’s going to produce.
Because I’ve sheltered my anxiety-prone self from the nerve-wracking world of politics, I get lost easily. It helps when I put things into a more personal context, so I can relate a little more easily.
When I read this article, for example I translated it to: Sarah and Todd Palin = Spencer and Heidi from The Hills. It makes sense to me; they’re both a team comprised of partners where the female is the breadwinner in the spotlight and the male is the manager manipulating things behind the scenes; all parties involved are generally accepted as flaming douche bags among society; both couples are active Republicans campaigning for McCain; both Heidi and Sarah are hottie airheads and both Spencer and Todd have creepy goatees and make me feel extremely uncomfortable.
The more I thought about it, The Hills relates to life on The Hill pretty closely. From what I’ve heard from friends and family who work there, it’s just like high school, but a lot less well dressed. Thus I give you the cast of...
Lauren Conrad –> Barack Obama The good guy, the hero, and the everyman we relate to.
"Speidi" –> "Torah" The nemeses of the Lauren Conrad character. Irritating couple who are sneaky, questionable and hide behind a mask of righteousness. I think I’d enjoy politics a lot more if Sarah Palin told Perez Hilton that Barack Obama had “beef curtains,” however.
Audrina –> Joe Lieberman Sort of an ambiguous character these days…at first he was a Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Now he’s a registered independent flirting with the Republican Party. Joe Lieberman, you are a sexy brunette who needs to make up their mind and stop making me cry all of my black liquid eyeliner off! Now get out of my pool house!
Whitney –> Hillary Clinton Driven, successful, competitive, career oriented strong women who we never see get laid.
Lauren “Lo” Bosworth –> Joe Biden Our hero’s right-hand man who’s always got his back. Both are loyal and slightly cross-eyed.
Stephanie Pratt –> Meghan McCain Oh the sting of family betrayal!
What happened this week on THE HILL: Barack depearts The Hill to go campaigning, leaving Joe Biden and Joe Lieberman awkwardly alone in The House to bond. Sarah and Todd Palin continue to mend their rocky relationship, which suffers further when Sarah’s sister betrays "Torah" when she has lunch with Obama. Meghan McCain goes to a fundraising dinner with her father, breaking the #1 unspoken BFF rule on The Hill. Joe Lieberman can’t keep his big mouth shut and tells everyone on The Hill about Meghan McCain’s betrayal, including Sarah Palin one drunken night at the 18th Street Lounge. Joe Lieberman confesses he misses Sarah Palin and has never really had anything against her. The two decide they should totally hang out more, right in front of Joe Biden, who is totally going to tell Obama the first chance he gets. Obama finds out about Meghan McCain’s shady business and wonders if everyone was right about her…
From the classified section of the Washington Post, Women Seeking Men:
"Contract fell thru, back on market. Darling Cape Cod, built like a brick house in the late 1950's. Blonde roof, blue windows, gourmet kitchen, extensive library, lovely master budoir. Many levels. Should go quickly. Shown by appt."
Man I love the classifieds. The Post classifieds pale in comparison to The City Paper, but it's still pretty amusing. I appreciate this woman's attempt to be clever, even if it is in a bit of a "Bless This Mess!" kind of way...but I'm slightly confused by one specific part of her "house description." Let's dissect a few lines:
"Contract fell thru" Divorced.
"Darling Cape Cod" I'm assuming that means she's from New England? Or else she looks like a squat house by the ocean. For her sake, I'll assume she means she's from New England.
"Built like a brick house in the late 1950's" She's got a fat ass and is in her late 40's/early 50's. Unless "built like a brick house," means she's a strong and stable woman. I took it in a "She's mighty, mighty. Lettin' all hang out" kind of way myself, but I'm partial to funk music.
"Back on market" hey HAY hey!
"Blonde roof" Come on Cape Cod! You were doing such a good job until here! There's no such thing as a "blonde roof," and I expected more. Shame on you.
"Blue windows" Blue eyes.
"Gourmet kitchen" Cooks well and/or has a passion for food (thus supporting my Brick House theory.)
"Extensive library" Well read.
"Lovely master boudoir" ...What? Exactly what is she referring to as her "master boudoir"? Am I completely alone in thinking this woman is talking about her vag? And if so, is she trying to communicate to possible future dates that her vag is lovely? Lovely is such a bizarre adjective to use in this situation. When I think of things that are lovely, I think of time spent with my grandparents, spring picnics and children's drawings, not so much my genitals.
However, out of all of the classifieds I read, this was the most memorable one (except for a woman who suggests "let's go praisin'!") and not just because she describes her "master boudoir." I felt inspired, and considering I'm a single woman looking for a man myself, I wrote my own house analogy:
Many rented, looking for a buyer. Awkward crack den, built like a hammock in the mid 1980's. Red roof, brown windows, fully stocked bar, good for parties, nice wine rack, carpet does not match drapes. Has pool, but is very shallow. Open house every weekend.
Boy Injures Eye With Skewer A 10-year-old boy injured his eye at the Maryland Renaissance Festival in Crownsville on Sunday when he accidentally stuck himself with a skewer, Anne Arundel County fire officials said.
Lt. Frank Fennell, a county fire spokesman, said the boy, who was eating "steak on a stake," pulled the wooden skewer out of his mouth and stuck the skewer into his eye." - Associated Press
When I first read this blurb I thought, "Wow. That is one impressively dumb kid." But then I realized, if my parents dragged me to the Maryland Ren Fest and I had to spend an entire day around nerd cleavage pouring out of corsets, and hundreds of fifth-level dragon masters/tech support guys in tights and codpieces, I would probably jab my eyes out with a skewer as well.
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