Recrap Wednesdays: More to Love

Believe it or not, I've missed recapping god-awful television on a weekly basis. SO, I've decided to start recapping Fox's new dating competition show, More to Love (or as I call it, Fatties Need Love Too. I like to create my own direct titles for things in my mind. For example, I simplified The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to MAN BABY.) Here's my question: Why? Why did I do that to myself? My life is painfully awkward enough, why did I have to go and force myself to watch an hour of the most ungodly uncomfortable television programming ever? There are some things that are delightfully uncomfortable to watch (i.e. Meet the Fockers; Borat; The Office) and then there are some things that are just really, really uncomfortable to watch (i.e. Schindler's List; The Killing Fields; midget porn). This show falls in the latter group.

After watching Episode 1 of Fatties Need Love Too More to Love, I felt so dirty and wrong that I called my mom and confessed what I had just done. Her response? "Oh, Meghan." But she didn't say it in like a OHHHHH Meghan! GIRL, you so crazy! kind of way. She said it in a Your Mother is Genuinely Disappointed in You kind of way. It was the same "Oh, Meghan" I got when I called to tell her I got an underage drinking citation. (A situation, by the way, that I could not take seriously because I was too busy internally quoting the following from Clone High:

But that is neither here, nor there.)

So why exactly is Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I Got Love in My Tummy More to Love so offensive? Well, to answer that question we need to take a closer look at what the show is really about. When I first heard about the show, I thought it was about a fit, single, chubby-chaser looking for love. (And I was on board.) Then I realized the bachelor in question is overweight himself, which made me think it was a Bachelor meets The Biggest Loser situation where contestants are eliminated each week according to weight loss. (And I was still on board.) Even after watching the show, I still couldn't really nail the show's shtick down. But I think after a lot of soul-searching and reflection, I've finally figured it out.

Virgin Parade More to Love is about a man named Luke Connelly (26-years-old; 6'3"; 330 pounds) who likes fat chicks. (By the way, Luke has the EXACT SAME speaking voice as Harland Williams. Seriously. It might actually be Harland Williams. Lord knows he's not up to much else.) So out of the kindness of their hearts, Fox put Luke and 20 fat chicks in a house together and each week Luke will eliminate one until he's left with his soul mate.

Let me stop myself right there. First of all, Luke is kind of adorable. Sure he's a few pounds over weight, but hell; I'd bang him! He's an attractive plus-sized individual. The show's host, Emme, is also a very attractive, plus-sized individual. Because, you know, bigger people (like any other people) can be attractive. But those other 20 women? Not so much. I'm not just being cruel for cruel's sake when I say this, but these are 20 of the most ugly, unfortunate, homely, poorly-dressed, low-self-esteem ridden, sad women in all of Dress Barn. Seriously. The show is basically just a whole mess of ill-fitting bras, bedazzled nylon, asymmetrical skirt lines and acrylic heels. It's like the casting directors ran into their local mall's Torrid, shouted, "Y'ALL WANNA FALL IN LOVE?" and ran with whoever was desperate enough to go with it. I get that the show is trying to portray "real women," but these aren't real women. Sandy from Iowa wore a bra as a dress and told Luke she was going to teach him to milk a cow. That's not normal. These are ugly women who were picked because they're ugly. The point of the show isn't to portray real women falling in love, it's to show fatties with no game crying about how no one loves them and struggle to get Harland Williams to fall in love with them. And that's fucked up.

Also, besides being ugly, these chicks are...just...sad. And I mean that in both a Sad State of Affairs and literally emotionally sad kind of way. This show is basically going to teach the world that fat people cry. A lot. Every second. Of every day. Want a recap of tonight's episode? Here you go: they all talked about how they've never been on a date and never been in love and no one's ever given them a chance because they're fat and then they all cried. A lot. The end. Again, I reiterate, these are not "average" or "normal" women. There have to be obese women out there who know how to interact with men! Get them! They're out there. I mean, how do you explain all of the brides on Bridezillas?

You just can't help but to feel guilty while watching (and subsequently laughing at) Lonely 'n Homely More to Love. You know how "normal" dating competition shows are so entertaining because watching a bunch of vapid fame whores fight over a guy so they can be on television is funny? Well let me tell you, when you replace those women with fat chicks with low self-esteem who genuinely just want someone to love them, it's really not as funny. To quote my mom, "It perpetuates the idea of Sad Person As Freak. It's sick. It's like watching animals in a zoo." Well put, Mrs. McBlogger.

Poor Luke also can't win in this situation. We all know his pool of women to choose from is busted on purpose. So when he calls them all sweetheart (which he does too much) and gushes about how beautiful and cute they are and how they're just his type and oh-goodness! he just wants to date them all, he comes off like a giant creepshow who's type is fat chicks with low self-esteem. And that's kind of...creepy...and off-putting. After Luke is introduced to the contestants, they have "First Impression Time" where they all get drunk around a pool and vie for Luke's attention. In true dating competition show spirit, making out happens. (To quote my notes, "He just made out with a chick and I don't know. It's just a lot.") Normally when making out happens within 30-seconds of meeting someone on a reality show, I giggle and think "Oh man, what a whore!" However, when it happened on Boners for Pie More to Love, all I could think was, "OH GOD, HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT POOR GIRL!...Slash, I wonder if that's her first kiss?" The show is just so sick and creepy that it's hard to decide if Luke is sick and creepy himself, or if he's really into these women and looking for love. Then again it's a reality show, so who knows what to believe.

There were some funny moments of the show, however:
- In the beginning, when asked what kind of woman he's attracted to, Luke says "it doesn't matter if she's blonde or redhead..." but because of his slurry, dead-pan Harland Williams voice, I heard "It doesn't matter if she's a big blob of a redhead." I laughed. Then cried.
- When Bonnie from Portland said, "I just wanna make a pie for a man and have him go, WOW!" I swear to god, rice shot out of my nose I laughed so hard.
- "I LOVE SKEWERED MEATS!" - Bonnie. Again. Bless her heart.
- Every conversation the girls have with Luke during "First Impression Time" is about food. "What kind of dessert do you like?" "What kind of food do you like?" "Did you know I like to cook!" Ok, Ok, we get it! You people like food! Move on! Get some fucking game. Maybe don't talk about savory meat pies for five seconds...
- During "First Impression Time," one of the chicks decides to jump in the pool. (I couldn't tell if she tripped and was trying to play it off, or if she really meant to jump in the pool. This was one of those moments where I wished I had splurged and spent the extra 10 bucks on DVR.) When she's in the pool she says, "I must look like a beached whale!" And then America said a collective, "Yep" in perfect harmony.
- One of my notes is literally, "I just. I can't."

After 45 minutes of watching the show, I was still undecided if I would watch it again. I mean, we're in desperate need of some recrapping around here, but at what price? And then they played the "On This Season of Starving for Affection More to Love" teaser. And oh...muh...god. They hold a mock prom for Luke and the girls. So they can all finally say they went to prom. And just like that, I'M BACK IN! Why? Well, one time I was walking to work and a man dropped dead in the middle of the street. People crowded around him and started freaking out, calling ambulances, trying to help etc., but I just stood there and openly gawked out of sheer morbid fascination. I was completely aware that this was sick and made me less of a person, but I couldn't help myself. Watching Kentucky Fried Lover More to Love is a lot like that. I have a sickness and I can't help myself.

So I'm sorry mom, but Recrap Wednesdays are officially back. Cringing and feeling incredibly guilty, but back.