Who says you can't go home again?

Como estan, bitches?

After the most stressful two weeks of my entire life, I am back. You may recall DGF from a few weeks ago, where I was moving all my worldly possessions with my own two hands. On top of that, work was an ever loving bitch last week. I may have worked 55+ hours at my normally 35 hour per week job. Beakers are usually not that demanding, but last week was hell on earth. To make matters worse, I had a death in the family (wamp wamp, who brought Debbie Downer to the blog party?), which means yours truly had to trek back home for the services.

So, sad reason to be at home with the family. But I enjoyed my time at home considering the circumstances. However, about 2 days into my time at home, I realized something was amiss. Let me preface this by saying I’ve been living away from home for almost 6 years now (I’m including college in that tally), and during that time I like to think I’ve become a responsible member of society. (sometimes). Maybe I’m alone in this, but I find that when I’m in my family’s house, I turn into my 12-yr-old self. Let me elaborate:

1.) My mom. I make my mom do things for me that I am perfectly capable of doing for myself. Frankly, I see nothing wrong with this. My mother birthed me for the sole purpose of doing things for me. Isn’t that why all women have children? To love and care for them? So when I’m home, I let my mom do my laundry, make me delicious sandwiches, tie my shoes, and what have you. I feel as though I’m doing her a service by giving her something to do. Could I get up off the couch to make my own sandwich? Sure, but there’s a Deadliest Catch marathon on, and sammiches always taste better when they are made with love.

2.) Food. Being home is greater than being at my apartment because at home all of the cabinets are fully stocked with foodstuffs. However, being home is less than being at my apartment because I eat all of the delicious foodstuffs in the aforementioned apartments. Seriously, when I’m home I spend most of the time eating like I just escaped from fat camp. Living on my own, I’ve gotten used to eating approx one meal a day. (True story: the first week of freshman year, I got so overwhelmed in the dining hall that I left without getting anything and ate nothing but crackers and peanut butter for a week.) So being at home and eating three square meals a day is strange. Not to mention the never-ending snacks I consume in between meals. I’m not saying I was a fat little kid, but I’m also not NOT saying I was a fat little kid.

3.) Animals. They say that petting a cat adds years to your life. If that’s the case, I’m going to live to a ripe old age after this weekend. Living on my own, I don’t have pets because they require you to be responsible. And my binge drinking habits don’t really speak to my responsibility. But at home, I’ve always had several pets at a time. So when I’m not cramming my cramhole with foodstuffs, I’m playing with the dogs or chasing the cats or other pet-related activities I can’t do in my apartment. I don’t walk or feed the dogs though, because that’s work. And that’s what my mom is for. But I’m not opposed to rolling around on the floor like a child. I’m in the privacy of my own home, who is going to judge me?

4.) Manual labor. Much like how women have children to care for them and cater to their every whim, men have children to perform menial physical labor for them for free. I can get my mom to do my bidding no questions asked, but my dad, as soon as I get home, has at least three projects that he needs my help with. No sooner had I put my bags down from getting in Friday night than my dad informs me we bought a new screen house that needs to be put up and a new pool liner that needs to get put in. Here is where I diverge from my 12-yr-old theme, because as a 12-yr-old I was rotund and physically useless. Now that I’m a strapping young lad, I get the pleasure of doing these chores. Nothing says I love you like fighting over Tab A and Slot B.

5.) Sleep. Unlike some of you, when I moved out of my old room, my little brother moved right in. The room I grew up in is no longer. My little brother’s poorly-lit, weird-smelling pigsty replaced my poorly-lit pigsty (but my room didn’t smells like dead hamster and blue cheese, thank you very much). I have been relegated to the “guest room” in the basement, which consists of my little brother’s old bed and heaps of junk my mother cannot bring herself to throw out. I don’t mind the heaps, but I do mind having my feet hang over the end of the bed all night. I am not 5’5” anymore. Please plan accordingly. This past weekend was even worse, as my aunt was staying with us, so I had to spend the whole trip home sleeping on our various couches. On the plus side, they are longer than a twin bed. On the downside, I slept in the living room, and our three kittens go beserk around 4 in the morning. A fact I was made aware of once one of them jumped square onto my chest.

Please tell me I’m not alone in this phenomenon. Going home is like going through a time warp. Just being in that atmosphere is like going through puberty all over again. Much in the same way being on or near a college campus makes me binge drink.

Regardless, I do enjoy going home, aside from the 10 pounds I inevitably put on after each trip. But it’s great to be back in the city. And in my new apartment, which now I have to make look like I actually live here and not like someone is having a yard sale in my place. If you’ll excuse me, I have some Jonas Brothers posters that need tacking up.

The fattest fat kid post of them all.

I would like to discuss how much I truly hate going to the gym. And I'm fully aware that blogging about one's disdain for exercise is equal on the pathetic scale to walking around wearing a sandwich board that says, "I'M A GIANT VIRGIN!" but whatevs. It's good to embrace our flaws.

Why I hate the gym:

- Sports bras are not comfortable. And guess what? I have to wear three. That's right, three. I have to triple-bag it. Because I REFUSE to be That Girl who's boobs are moving at an entirely different rate than the rest of her body. REFUSE.

- I don't pull-off gym clothes well. You know that girl in the cute pair of Soffe shorts, wearing a cute tank and only one sports bra with her hair up in a messy ponytail? Yea, that's not me. I, for lack of a better word, look like a raging bull-dyke compared to that girl.

- I don't like being warm and I don't like sweating. I realize that nobody is all, I'M SWEATING! HOLY SHIT, THIS IS AWESOME! But I still feel like it's worth mentioning. I'm like a bottle of fine white wine: best served when chilled. I keep my apartment at an offensively chilly 52-degrees at all times. Being uncomfortably cold is my definition of comfortable, so I don't get amped at the thought of spending an hour in the human sweat box that is the gym. I'd much rather sit in my igloo and workout vicariously through an episode of The Biggest Loser. It's half as effective and twice as entertaining.

- Speaking of entertaining, I get so ungodly bored at the gym. I've tried everything: listening to music, watching TV, watching a movie, talking to a friend, trying the bike with the interactive "you're cycling through the Andes!" screen thingy—nothing works! It's just an hour of me thinking, "Well, this sucks. Yep, still sucks. How much time has passed? Oh, 30 seconds. Welp, that sucks. This moment right now? Christ it sucks." I need to find a way to not be conscious of the fact that I'm working out, but still able to workout. Which means, I essentially need to roofie myself into going to the gym. That's a strong statement...

- GLANCERS. Alright, look: I'm lazy and don't have a ton of confidence in my physical abilities. This is to say, I don't like physical competition. Therefore, oh person on the machine next to me, STOP GLANCING AT MY MACHINE TO SEE WHAT LEVEL OF RESISTANCE I'M ON AND HOW MANY CALORIES I'VE BURNED! Here's the answer to both questions: a lot lower than you and a lot less than you. At any given minute of "our" workout, that's what's going on. You're winning. You people stress me out beyond belief. I have the strength and stamina of a sea lion and yet after working out for five minutes next to you people, I'm running at a 7.5 level on a 45-degree incline. You can casually glance at me while I'm going into cardiac arrest. Asshole.

- I have no time for people with eating disorders. Is that statement slightly insensitive? Yes. Is it still true? Yes. You have me over for dinner and serve a teaspoon of brown rice and make me feel like the fat kid when you can't finish yours. Then I have to remind myself that you're the weirdo, not me. And it feels like every time I go to the gym, I'm sandwiched between a Glancer and the gym's Token Anorexic/Over-Exerciser Chick. You know who I'm talking about. She's at your gym too. She's always just a little too skinny and working out a little too hard. And has been for the past four hours. And is always at the gym when you are, no matter what time of day you go. I was working out last week next to this skeletor who was loudly moaning and gasping for air she was cycling so hard. I'm all for pushing yourself and feeling the burn, but this was just some straight-up after school special health class movie-shit. I couldn't stop thinking, if she were to have a heart attack and collapse right now, would I give her mouth-to-mouth or gracefully bow out and assume somebody else will handle it? Although kudos to her, because weighing those pros and cons was a nice distraction from thinking about how much this sucked.

- I hate running. And I hate that I hate running. I have runner-envy. Runners just seem like superior people and I wish I could join their ranks. Unfortunately the fervor with which I despise running is impressive. I would rather write 30 cover letters than than run for 30 minutes. (Yea, that much.) I hate when you're out in a big group and two people realize they're both runners and start to talk runner-talk and share their stats and shit. I polished off a Stromboli yesterday, anybody wanna talk about that? My sister is a runner and one of my favorite past times is to cruelly diminish her running achievements. I like referring to her 10Ks as "turkey-trots," and her half-marathons as "fun-runs." Nothing levels the playing field like, "Oh yea! Your turkey trot is coming up! I should go for a jog sometime too..." It's cruel and obviously comes from a place of pure jealousy, but good lord it cracks me up!

Bitching and moaning aside, it's time to get in shape and start going to the gym regularly. It's gotten to the point where I wouldn't even hook up with myself, and I already know what a great personality I have. My problem is I lack motivation and discipline. I hate when people tell me, "but you feel so good after you go to the gym!" Because, I don't. I feel disgruntled and sweaty after I go to the gym. And all I can think about is how I have to do that all over again in less than 24 hours. And that depresses me. BUT NO MORE! From here on out, I am instituting Operation Oh Hey, Fat Ass—Go to the Gym! (OOHFA—G2G!) Here's my plan: I get off my fat ass and actually go to the gym. Genius, right? OK, now I need to find motivation. Now motivate me. GO!

GAY! GAY! GAY! Fail Blogging the 2009 Tony Awards!

Remember that time Original Co-Blogger Eddie and I were going to live blog the Academy Awards, but I showed up to the party halfway through the show and forgot to download the live blogging software, so we just posted our gchat conversation and the whole thing kind of fell flat on it's face? Well, hope you liked it, because we did it again. Except this time with the Tony's. And this time I didn't download the sofware because I fell asleep watching "Bridezillas" and overslept. When I woke up 15 minutes before the show, I could either download the software or go to Subway and get a delicious $5 footlong. I chose the footlong. And I in no way regret that decision. Enjoy!

me: BRET MICHAELS?! ST. BRET MICHAELS IS OPENING THE TONY'S??? And did he just get clotheslined by the set?

me: (ps: sorry i'm late, i ran into my sister and her boyfriend in front of my apartment)

Eddie: dude. he has a musical.
me: can you please explain this to me? like is it just poison?

8:09 PM Eddie: it is like rock songs from the 80's in a musical
Eddie: journey, whitesnake, a few others

Eddie: I still can't get over that my friend went to rehab with LIZA

me: she must have been a poor influence

8:10 PM

me: this is a very homosexual experience already

did i see david hyde peirce up there?

just food good measure?

ANGELA LANSBURY?!!?!

8:12 PM Eddie: this was a big year for broadway

i mean harry potter fucked horses
jeremy piven couldn't do a play b/c of that sushi thing

me: is NPH's suit leather?

Eddie: wow

amping up the gay

me: did NPH just make a "head" joke at brett michaels expense?

if so: awesome.

Eddie: uhh

neil patrick harris is a liar

he was a CHILD STAR

if by "i grew up in the woods" you mean on the set of a TV SHOW

me: NPH is wearing a leather suit and is full of shit.

Eddie: uncomfortable

/the fetish people in the crowd are loving this

me: james gandolfini always looks one heart attack away from the grave.

Eddie: JANE FONDA

LOOKING LOVELY

wow I need to buy her workout videos stat

8:16 PM me: that's a rather low-cut dress, ms. fonda.

YOU RAGING WHORE.

Eddie: this is the problem with the Tony's

I know 0 of these people

and I have seen 0 of the plays

me: one of those people played a banker in tommy boy.

8:17 PM Eddie: do you think that is a stage name?

Roger Robinson

a little too sing song if you ask me

me: is that man incredibly tan or somewhat african american?

8:18 PM Eddie: African American

me: an african american gay. good for him!

Eddie: and he's a Pac NW boy!

me: oh shit, he had a recurring role on kojak. good for him

hybu'ffff

8:21 PM sorry. i got honey mustard on my keyboard.

Eddie: I hope you licked up it

that is important and we are in a recession every bit counts

me: no, i used a napkin. THESE ARE THE TONY'S EDDIE. gotta keep it classy.

8:22 PM ughh i just got like a gallon of honey mustard on my shirt.

holy shit i haven't seen this folger's irish dancing commercial in YEARS.

Eddie: THIS FREAKS ME OUT

the lash growing stuff

8:23 PM it can make your eyes brown

BROWN
me: whhhhhat?? i have never heard of this! it gives your lashes a boner!

Eddie: which is fine and lovely

if you have brown eyes

me: shit i want latisse

Eddie: I think this shows our personalities I am sitting here thinking this shit is space age creepy

8:24 PM and you are like 'OMG I WANT BETTER LASHES EHH MY EYES ARE ALREADY A BEAUTIFUL SHADE OF BROWN SIGN ME UP!'

8:25 PM Even the donkey in Shrek the musical is a bit gay

FARQUEER

someones mic was on 'LEAD SINGER' when they were clearly a background singer

8:26 PM that was a musical joke

"hey na ne na ne no" is from once upon a mattress

me: ok nerd.

(ps: i just cyber knocked the books out of your cyber hands)
Eddie: if by books you mean my subscription to playbill magazine from 1996-2000

8:28 PM me: yes eddie, that's exactly what i meant. i knocked your playbill magazines (from 1996-2000) out of your hand.

ps: RE: lord farquhad: must suck to do like 2 performances everyday on your knees.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID?

8:29 PM Eddie: FARQUEER

(if I say that several times it will start to get funny)

8:30 PM how horrid would it be if he had a heart attack right now

me: jeff daniels...you will never be more than lloyd from dumb and dumber to me.

Eddie: MOCK

me: YEA
Eddie: ING
me: YEA

Eddie: Bird

me: YEA

8:31 PM Eddie: ACTRESS IN A PLAY

me: GO ANGELA LASBURY

Eddie: ANGELA!

GO ANGELA!

YOU GOT IT HOME GIRL

it was all 2birds1blog

the drinking game was good luck
me: you're welcome angela lansbury.

oh she got a standing-oh.

8:32 PM awww she's crying!!!!!!!!!!!

now i'm crying!

i wonder if tulane chris is crying.

8:33 PM Eddie: for 84

she looks so amazing

me: yea man. she's sort of a regulation hottie.

Eddie: DISCO AND GLITTER BEFORE THE GAYS REVOLT

this is like a 95% black cast

maybe?

or did I just make a horridly racist snap judgment

8:35 PM Oh mama mia

I still think almost abba/drag abba is better then mama mia

me: drag queens have more heart than old white bitches.

as a general rule.

8:36 PM the fat chick on the right looks like eddie izzard.

Eddie: if that was eddie izzard I would piss myself

now I would go see him perform in mama mia

me: have you seen "up"?
Eddie: you mean did I sob the entire way through up

yes

(I think 'up' is this generations Bambi)

me: yea...see...i heard it was really good and it sounds interesting, but i don't think i'm emotionally stable enough to see it.

8:38 PM Eddie: you are

8:39 PM me: 'ehhhh.........i cry at "the hills". i'd probably hysterically cry and piss myself at up. and then pass out.

8:42 PM why is neil patrick harris so god damn charming?
Eddie: and down to earth

this is the BORING PART

the play's

8:43 PM me: i think i think colin hanks is cute? i can never decide.

STAMOS!!!!!!

Eddie: STAMOS

(Jinx)
me: aww will ferrell...bless your heart.

Eddie: Ok I am sorry I want Liza to beat him

8:45 PM oh a horrid pot joke at the Tony's

it is weird to see him go from MTV to this

me: yea? well i hope he beats liza. physically. on stage.

Eddie: drags the tony out of her glitter filled hands

DOLLY V. ELTON JOHN

who will win

who will win?

me: elton?

8:46 PM oh sike, totes called that wrong.

Eddie: some theater dork

me: holy fat bearded man

8:47 PM Eddie: i've always wanted someone to get a tony

and start going FUCK YOU ALL YOU ASSHOLES THAT MOCKED ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.MIDDLE SCHOOL

wait what now

"lisp man" just thanked his "wife"

8:48 PM me: i know, right? don't lie on stage, sir.
Eddie: be proud of who you are

ps west side story is my LEAST favorite musical

I HATE IT with a passion

8:49 PM maybe b/c my high school did some fucked up version of it and maria was a white girl with an asian mom and tony was a black guy

me: really? i saw it a few months ago when it was at the warner theater...and was in a regional production.

SO THERE'S THAT.

8:50 PM Eddie: ok if you are trying to show off

that you took west side story and added spanish

8:51 PM why would you show off only the dancing?

me: this has nothing to do with anything, but can i please tell you that someone just followed me on twitter and his bio is "Just an honest latino helping you with blogging."
Eddie: why is tony dressed in like Jeans and a shirt from the gap when everyone else is in period dress

me: because the character of tony is timeless. like a classic jersey gap hoodie.

8:55 PM holy shit. i just remembered the dream i had this afternoon: i dreamt i was getting married. and the top of my dress was too big. and it was stressing me out. and it was an arranged marriage. and i wanted white twinkle lights at the ceremony and my mom was like, "WHITE TWINKLE LIGHTS ARE TACKY!!!!"

Eddie: she is right

they are

8:56 PM me: fuck you. this was a result of watching nothing but "tori and dean: home sweet hollywood" and wanting to get married and have babies ASAPS.

Eddie: but hell after working in preppy wedding invitation store we are allowed to have tacky weddings

8:57 PM SLUT

me: speaking of unflattering dresses: what's up susan saradon?

8:58 PM Eddie: she is a creature of the night I would not fuck with susan saradon in an ill lit street

me: oh god, neither would i.

8:59 PM Eddie: I love his accent

this lovely British accent

he could be saying "fuck my cock" over and over and over and I would still listen intently

me: i really just wish they would stop cutting to shots of james gandolfini. he justs makes me feel so ungodly uncomfortable for no reason.

9:00 PM Eddie: susan is struggling

like someone who had few glasses of wine

me: susan sarandon is drunk. and thanks for not running a comb through your hair before coming to the show.

9:01 PM Eddie: she probs thought "this is the tony's they will give me a wig or a giant hair piece"

(although lets me frank we are probs not rocking lovely outfits right now)

9:02 PM ROCK OF AGES

me: i'm wearing leggings and a universitiy of tennesee hoodie. still i think i put more thought into my look than susan.

Eddie: THEY MADE HAIR METAL GAY

9:03 PM I'm wearing sweatpants and a glittery tube top

me: HAHA. yes they did. in a very big way.

me: i think i would rather gnaw my leg out of a bear trap than see "rock of ages" starring that guy from american idol.

9:04 PM Eddie: but I would hang out with that tuxedo guy hitting on LIZA

any day

OMG HOLY RED LEATHER OUTFIT

I WANT THAT JACKET

9:05 PM me: ew jesus god ew constantine is kissing a girl. my eyes just melted.

Eddie: A GLITTER GUN

WHY DON'T I OWN ONE OF THOSE

9:06 PM I would use it every day

me: umm...is that supposed to be the angel ghost of rip taylor?

Eddie: "so you parents kicked you out b/c you are gay"

[insetert glitter gun] 'HERE DOES THIS MAKE IT BETTER?"

9:07 PM me: time out. seriously. i think that guy was supposed to be the ghost angel of rip taylor. and i can't handle that.

9:10 PM WOAH WOAH WOAH...jenna elfman is still alive?!

good to know.

9:11 PM Eddie: (I checked Larry Hagman is also alive at this moment)

me: oof thank god. what about betty white?

Eddie: YES SHE IS

9:12 PM me: edie falco is wearing a crushed velvet gown.

it reminds me of a shirt i rocked the shit out of in sixth grade.

Eddie: LIZA

LIZA

BRING THE GLITTER GIRL

me: ugh. liza won.

Eddie: Liza has overcome so much

me: oh please

Eddie: and lets not forget

9:14 PM her moms death started the gay rights movement

me: liza overcame doing mountains of coke at studio 54. "kudos."

9:15 PM me: i want to crawl out of my skin and take a shower. that is how uncomfortable liza manelli makes me.

Eddie: I love old women who ramble

and sparkle

RIP JUDY

9:16 PM MAMA CAN YOU HEAR ME

ok can we talk about the blond ladies dress

is that a skirt with a bar?

bra rather

me: it's some kind of ugly, that is for damned sure.

me: the tony's is like a family reunion for heinous dresses.

ie: lauren graham.

Eddie: the gays took the day off

9:18 PM this is the 4th microphone problem

of the night

have you watched glee

(they have a kid in a wheel chair singing "sit down you're rocking the boat")

it is funny

me: haha yes

9:19 PM i'm a big fan

Eddie: this is where the glee kids end up

or like us

watching the tony's

and just a tad bitter we missed our chance

9:20 PM me: i peaked at the tender age of 14 as the devil in damn yankees.

9:24 PM this whole kentucky grilled chicken thing makes me uncomfortable. if i wanted grilled chicken, i would just grill some chicken. the point of KFC is that it's deep fried and delicious and fattening and god awful.

don't try to make a ho into a housewife, KFC.

9:25 PM Eddie: I was going to say the asians in kung fu gear made me uncomfortable for the outright racism

I am glad to know all around KFC makes us uncomfortable

9:26 PM all the bad kids in our town worked at KFC and would like shoot up and then make chicken and they would take votes in school about what they should try to deep fry

me: that's not racism. all asians wear kung fu gear, duh.

9:27 PM

me: STAMOS!

Eddie: STAMOS

9:30 PM

me: stamos is rockin' the skinny tie, and good for him.

me: that woman is just screaming for a supportive bra

just because you're lovely doesn't mean you're not subject to gravity

9:32 PM Eddie: did you see the back

/giant slit

up the skirt

HOS VILLE

me: no i was hypnotized by her giant sagging boobs

Eddie: the skirt comes up to her ho-ha and it is pretty much backless besides a string

me: aw martha plimpton. good to see you.

slash sorry you just lost.

9:33 PM Eddie: ok her dress is ok

not a stunner but cute, she wears layers and layers of petticoats so i'll forgive her for no puff

9:34 PM me: woah, this woman looks like if carrie fisher and rosenne barr had a love child.

Eddie: I don't even know what to say

about carrie fisher

me: WAIT

IS THAT SERIOUSLY CARRIE FISHER?

Eddie: YES

me: WOW

9:35 PM .......I ALSO HAVE NO WORDS.

just....wow

Eddie: a musical about manic depression sounds just like a bad idea

9:36 PM me: yea this is pretty jaunty for a song about "dying alive"

Eddie: I would say this is like watching "the Life" which was a short lived musical about hookers in times square

9:37 PM me: never heard of it. that's what i get for not subscribing to playbill magazine from 1996 to 2000.

this song is boring. you'd think a song about manic depression would be more interesting.

9:38 PM woah that young queer is cute

Eddie: this is like watching an awkward family dinner

not something I would pay money to do when i can go to the olive garden and do that for free

or the price of 9.99 bottomless soup salad and bredsticks

9:39 PM how much money would you like to bet that dad and son (in this musical) have fucked

me: i'd bet a whole basket of bottomless breadsticks.

9:40 PM this song is so god damn angsty.

Eddie: GOD NO ONE KNOWS ME

now if they made a musical about my so called life

9:41 PM SIGN ME UP

me: UM. YES PLEASE.

what's clare danes doing these days?

9:43 PM Eddie: PS IN NEXT TO NORMAL THE MUSICAL

THE SUN IS ACTUALLY DEAD

AND THE MOM IS hallucinating his existance!

9:44 PM if that was spelled right

me: wiat she's hallucinating her own existance or her son's existance?

HAHAHAHAHAHHAA JEREMY PIVAN JOKE. amazing.

Eddie: her sons

9:45 PM me: ugh jessica lange...more sagging boobs. come on tony's. hand out some bra's in the swag bags.

me: OMG BEA ARTHUR

Eddie: BEA

me: NOW I'M CRYING

OH GOD

Eddie: ME TOO

and singing

deadly combo

9:52 PM PAUL

me: PAUL NEWMAN

GOD YOU ARE A SICK, SICK, BASTARD

Eddie: SO MANY GOOD PEOPLE DIED THIS YEAR

(didn't we already say that during the oscars?)

9:53 PM me: i don't want to live in a world where two titans like paul newman and bea arthur die in the same year.

9:58 PM Eddie: we suck at downloading the live blogging thing

9:59 PM me: yea i blame myself.

i took a nap and overslept. i blow....

10:00 PM Eddie: I went day drinking, fathers day crafting at a bar, watched some dallas and that was my day!

10:02 PM NO BRA AGAIN

me: theater nerds. nobody taught them.

10:03 PM Eddie: yeah no reason to wear one b/c no one will be taking them off

me: HAHA. well played.

10:04 PM ok seriously...the tony's is where fashion goes to die

Eddie: BUT GLITTER GOES TO LIVE

10:07 PM THIS BILLY ELLIOT KID IS SELLING IT

me: yea he can stop squawking at any point though.

you know the story of billy elliot sort of closely follows my own life.

Eddie: it does you had a dream

a dream of blogging and working with no pants on

10:08 PM me: people told me i couldn't do it.
they told me to put my pants back on.

Eddie: and thank god you did not listen

10:09 PM ok so this role is shared by 3 kids

I bet the other two feel fucking shafted

10:10 PM me: yea seriously. there's going to be some shady "showgirls" style knee-breaking behind the scenes.

Eddie: in the opening number the other two were dancing around

10:11 PM one has like a jerry curl mullet

must suck to be that kid

10:12 PM me: the jerry curl mulleted back-up, back-up billy elliot.

10:13 PM the little kid who played billy elliot in the movie version was smokin' hot.

and i mean that in the least child molestery way possible

Eddie: all 3 are nominated for a tony too

10:14 PM if three little kids win a shared tony

I will lolz

that is the largest hair

up do

me: well speaking of showgirls, what's up gina gershon?

worst up-do i've ever seen. i swear to god....the tony's.....

Eddie: well drama kids can't be trusted

me: 'ehh i'm tweezing my eyebrows and jacked up the right now. i hate my life.

Eddie: you would fit in the tonys

10:23 PM me: you bite your tongue
oo the performance for hair is coming up. i hope we see some hardcore hippie nudity.

10:27 PM Eddie: I may or may not love this musical with all my heart

ANGELA

ROCKING A LOVELY SUIT

me: where did angela's british accent go?

10:31 PM Eddie: OH THIS MANS MOM KNEW HE WAS SPEICAL

10:32 PM HE IS BIG A GIANT OLD LIFE TIME ACHIEVING HOMO

10:33 PM me: i don't like anna hathaway. there it is.

Eddie: there is a vassar grad in the room who went to school with her who HATES HER WITH A PASSION

this is one of my favorite musicals

me: oh for reals? see. i knew my instincts had to be right.

this guy is hot.

10:37 PM aw kristen chenowith. bless her heart.

10:38 PM now THAT is a supported rack.

Eddie: her boobs look weird

but they are supported

me: they look incredibly fake

10:39 PM Eddie: I AM SO GLAD THE HIPPIES BEAT OUT THE SHIT THAT IS WEST SIDE STORY

10:40 PM me: ugh hippies AND theater geeks. it's the perfect storm of unfortunateness.

omg can we talk about the complete and utter weirdo to the right of the guy accepting the award
Eddie: I think he is high

in grand ole hair tradition

maybe he plays the character that meatloaf originally played

10:42 PM me: well he is no meatloaf.

he is a giant loaf of awkward touchy-feely weirdness though

10:43 PM UMM THESE DETERGANT/DRYER SHEET THINGS BLOW MY MIND

i want to know if they really work.

10:46 PM HAHAHAHA DAVID HYDE PEIRCE. A++.

Eddie: david hyde pierce!

YOU SIR ARE A LEGEND IN MY HEART

10:47 PM the awkward musical

me: haha she's quoting JFK. what an asshole.

10:48 PM Eddie: WITH SO MUCH PASSION

YOU ALREADY WON THE TONY

me: i wish she was quoting clone high JFK

Eddie: give it up

ER UHH

me: yea this woman is way too riled up and it's making me uncomfortable. take a xanax, say thnx and get off the stage
Eddie: someone in the room I am watching it in just threw their shoe

me: oh god she's talking about her BFA. god i hate smug theater people in ugly dresses.

HAHA at her?

Eddie: yes at sumg theather lady

10:50 PM AUDRA MCDONALLD IS MY FAVORITE

EVER

she is one of the best singers ever

shrek cleans up nice

me: aww the billy elliots won

that's adorable

Eddie: this is so cute

me: i'd bang shrek

10:51 PM wait i'm confused, do they like alternate nights performing?

me: or do all 3 play the role in one night?

Eddie: child labor laws

they can't perform that much

so they have to split the part

me: they're like the reject jonas brothers

Eddie: this is so awkward

gay jonas brothers

me: gayer jonas brothers

10:52 PM wow that middle one is a real fag

the one on the right is ADORABLE.

Eddie: true you know one jonas is happy for that v-card pledge

me: the one on the left looks like chris kattan

as a child.

10:53 PM see, the sassy black woman knows how to support her jugs

white bitches need to take note

10:55 PM me: wow the chicago jersey boys dude is FREAKY looking with a capitol F

Eddie: this is like watching drunk people in a bar sing at the end of the night of they could all dance

me: i have a crush on the broadway jersey boy guy

10:56 PM Eddie: (if they all could dance)

me: why do i always have a thing for guidos?

10:57 PM god damnit i just spilled heniken all over myself/my couch

and i'm too lazy to remedy this

Eddie: maybe that's the answer to your guido question

me: hmm...point taken.

10:59 PM Eddie: LIZA WITH A Z

me: ugh. liza again.

Eddie: I would name a kid Liza

she is stable as a table

11:00 PM SHE IS SCREAMING ELTON

me: HA
Eddie: ELTON

11:01 PM me: wow. children. stop screaming.

Eddie: KIDS ARE SO FUCKING LOUD

me: gross.

SLASH I WANT ONE! tori and dean style!

11:02 PM Eddie: I want the pugs tori and dean style

11:03 PM me: the pug died!

Eddie: 60 min was on before the tony’s and andy roony was bitching about how out he has hundreds of things on floppy disk “and now I never look at them” the segment ended “sometimes I think you remember the things you would rather forget” which may or may not be a sign from the gods about what we just did.

11:04 PM me: not to be insensitive, but why isn't andy rooney dead yet?

Eddie: OMG GAY JOKES

FROM NPH

PRICELESS

me: "the show could not be any gayer, if liza was named mayor" - NPH

i give NPH A+++++ for his hosting abilities.

i expected nothing less from him.

Eddie: he delieved

winning him a bright spot in my dark dark soul

me: likewise

11:06 PM ok. well i guess i should change my pants, as they are covered in beer.

and honey mustard.

Eddie: and glitter

from tony magic

<3