Ya Shosla S Uma

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the faux lesbian pop group t.A.T.u.

I first heard about their awesome Russian popness in 2002. The bad and goodness of their pounding techno beats were astounding. The pop duo became a big joke between my high school friends. It was a simple time when you could download music without paying I filled my family computer t.A.T.u. Russian gayness.

Longing for words I actually knew I pre-ordered English album on Amazon. The brown unassuming package arrived at my door on the day the album was released in the U.S. It was a rough day; I was home ill from school but decided to go to school anyway in a delirious fever state to show off the album. My AP Government teacher saw the album on my desk and lifted it up “What is this?” he asked inspecting the homoerotic packaging.

I responded the best way I could, “Fake lesbian Russian dance pop.” My friend sitting next to me was trying to hold in a chuckle.

He shook his head and said “Only you Eddie, only you.”

All of us thought we were the only ones in the USA who knew about t.A.T.u. Our world changed when a good friend first heard “All the things She Said” on the radio. So excited/baffled/at a loss she almost ran her car into a ditch. She ran into the house with the car still turned on and running. This was before cell phones (gasp) and she had to get into the house to call us. It was a joyous and sad moment that we never really recovered from. Our innocence was shattered and our dreams were corrupted. Nothing would be the same, the world was in on the t.A.T.u joke. At first we thought this new found fame would help us, but when the DJ at prom refused to play “All the Things She Said” (and had no clue what we were talking about) my friend and I acted out the music video on the dance floor.

I still own that album every time I hear it play-more then I would like to admit- I am taken back to that magical time in 2002-2003 when fake Russian lesbians ruled our little Western New York high school world.

Yesterday my innocent t.A.T.u world crashed once again, I found out there is a MOVIE ABOUT t.A.T.u PREMIERING AT CANNES. The movie is based on a book that has no English translation I can find (yet) but I am going to track it down if it takes me a lifetime. The movie has Miscah Barton (in her third lesbian positive role), a meat factory, t.A.T.u, drugs, murder, lesbian love, and what will soon be my new favorite line “Fuck everything, except t.A.T.u.”

So, who will be with me opening day? I decided I am going to dress up like it is 2002 and sing every song.
I wish I could quit you,

Eddie

MMM Risin'

Sorry my internet darlings for my absence, I was on spring break. By “spring break” I mean the delightful Chris came to visit me in the Pacific Northwest, because I bribed him and told he could visit 4 states, HE WANTED TO SEE ME! We spent our days driving around, Idaho, Montana, Oregon, and Washington, going to a small town gay bar (where we can never show our face again) and watching excessive amounts of Teevee on DVD.

One of the several highlights of the trip (if you ask me) was a wedding we attended. Chris’ cousin had her union, in front of god and the state, in Oregon. I was Chris' plus one, or more accurately his beard. As wonder gays who are in the closet around family it is nice to have another member of the team as an insider. What single closeted (to the family) homo would pass up a date that will enjoy a wedding, drink, dance, and make one look straight?

I was quite convincing as a hetro girlfriend and earned my place in history as one of the best beards ever!

Scene: Eddie is 2 bottles of champagne and 2 glasses of wine in, they are at the dinner of a small wedding reception. Only two children are present at this wedding, Chris and Eddie are seated at their table. The young flower girl comes up to Eddie.

Flower Girl: Did you know Chris is a Lesbian.

(Chris looks at me, gets up out of his chair and walks away, I think he said something like “this is a can of worms I am leaving” or that’s what I read in his eyes.)

Eddie: Chris is not a lesbian because he is a boy.

Flower Girl: Yes he is a lesbian! A lesbian is someone who likes girls!

Eddie: No, A lesbian is a girl who falls in love with girls. A boy who likes girls is called a heterosexual…Chris is a heterosexual.

Flower Girl: I’m confused (small child walks away)

That’s right, I told family members Chris was heterosexual. To top it off when I was tipsy I would tenderly grab Chris arm and coon “sweetie, darling, hun please get mama another glass of wine.” I also leaned in close several times to make a gay joke, to everyone else in the room it looked like I was whispering sweet nothings in his ear. If there really was an award for best beard the show I put on would AT LEAST be nominated.

I wish I could quit you,

Eddie

Now the world is ready for you, and the wonders you can do

Daily Chris and I bond with each other over our lack of love life our struggles being relatively normal and yet homosexual. We decided our conversations are too priceless to keep between us; it is time to start sharing.

The other night during a phone chat I was reflected on my boycott of the term boyfriend or girlfriend by saying: “Calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend is so banal.” In the same starlight pillow talk conversation Chris confessed his dislike of many straight people, he said, “I like to call them straighty it is funny because it is so close to whity”

This is the first installment of what I hope to become a semi-regular feature. We are here, queer, and look just like you!

Chris: I HAVE "I LOVE LUCY" CHECKS
Eddie Sometimes you are a homo and it’s not just when you put your dick in a guy
Chris: I feel like that's when I shine, though.
Eddie: Btw we are the best gays ever can we reflect on that, like legit award winning gays…us and Ellen!
Chris: Wonder Gays.

I will find any excuse to use MS paint, it is a problem, I am on step one, HI MY INTERNET NAME IS EDDIE AND I AM A MS PAINT ADDICT.

Here is my MS Paint artist rendering of Chris and I as “Wonder Gays.” CLICK IT, it is better when it is bigger (wow that is sexual.)

Turning the world one straight at a time.

I wish I could quit you,
Eddie