Disclaimer: This isn’t about what I want to happen or anyone
I intend, personally, to kill. (Cheaters never win, kids.) It’s solely who I
think is on their way out.
Meg’s note: “If you put Larry Hagman on that watch, I will
stick your keys square up my snizz and never return them.” [Ed. Note: Hi there. While we're talking about me (and my snizz) (and all the things I've threatened to stick up there) (because what a list that is!), I'd just like to make you all aware of the following:
1.) Three of Ex Co-Blogger Chris' Celebrity Deathwatch predictions from this past year came true. (Including Leslie Nielsen. I mean, I know he was old, but how the hell did you see that coming??)
2.) ∴ The annual 2b1b Celebrity Deathwatch post is obviously haunted.
3.) Today is our 666th post.
4.) Today is also T.G.I. Hagman.
= NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. This is some VOODOO shit and it all makes me heinously uncomfortable. I'd pull the plug on this little shit show here and now if I wasn't busy stress-vomiting all night because despite consuming nothing but cocaine, air, and tap water for the past week and a half, I can either sit or breathe in my bridesmaid's dress—God forbid I want to do both! So you, sir, better thank your lucky stars that I'm retaining water like a pregnant woman stewing in sea salt and have 120 wedding programs to assemble. But listen to me here and now: if my Lord and Savior Larry Martin Hagman dies within the next 24 hours, I'm placing the blame directly on you. You shall forever wear a scarlet 10-gallon hat upon your head and live as an outcast in the woods like the dirty, whorish Angel of Death you are. In fact, where's my Hagman at?
As of December 10, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! OH and he better stay that way if a certain ginger-haired blogger and "Designing Women" enthusiast values his gonads. Now, proceed with your death harbinger...ing...Harbinger... of Death...ing...harbinge.]
1.) Three of Ex Co-Blogger Chris' Celebrity Deathwatch predictions from this past year came true. (Including Leslie Nielsen. I mean, I know he was old, but how the hell did you see that coming??)
2.) ∴ The annual 2b1b Celebrity Deathwatch post is obviously haunted.
3.) Today is our 666th post.
4.) Today is also T.G.I. Hagman.
= NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. This is some VOODOO shit and it all makes me heinously uncomfortable. I'd pull the plug on this little shit show here and now if I wasn't busy stress-vomiting all night because despite consuming nothing but cocaine, air, and tap water for the past week and a half, I can either sit or breathe in my bridesmaid's dress—God forbid I want to do both! So you, sir, better thank your lucky stars that I'm retaining water like a pregnant woman stewing in sea salt and have 120 wedding programs to assemble. But listen to me here and now: if my Lord and Savior Larry Martin Hagman dies within the next 24 hours, I'm placing the blame directly on you. You shall forever wear a scarlet 10-gallon hat upon your head and live as an outcast in the woods like the dirty, whorish Angel of Death you are. In fact, where's my Hagman at?
As of December 10, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! OH and he better stay that way if a certain ginger-haired blogger and "Designing Women" enthusiast values his gonads. Now, proceed with your death harbinger...ing...Harbinger... of Death...ing...harbinge.]
The list:
Betty White: I don’t want it to happen, but we’ve
lost a Golden Girl each year for the
past three years and that’s too strong a trend to ignore, as much as we may all
want to. I expect a repeat of this voicemail from 2009:
Dad: “Hi, I’m just checking on you. I heard… you know, about
Bea, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Call me.”
I was going through “a bad time,” and I’m fairly certain he
was afraid her death would push me over the edge. Fifteen xanax, a bottle of
Kentucky Deluxe, and a note that read simply “And then there’s Maude.”
Pope Benedict XVI: It hasn’t been a good year for the
church. If I were in my eighties and had just spent the past year saying, in
public, “Oh, come now, we’re not all
pedophiles. I mean, statistically…” I would be ready to die.
Kim Jong-Il: He’s old, he’s sick, he’s as mad as an
eel, and the chances daily increase that someone will hit the red button
labeled “Fuck This Noise (Pyongyang).” We may be in for another round of the
Mao-Castro “is he or isn’t he” dance. North Korea being as… unorthodox as it is, I’ll bet you we get
at least one newsreel where he’s clearly been stuffed, and someone tries to
make him nod by pressing the back of his head with a stick.
(PS, apparently there’s another Kim Jong-Il who’s a South
Korean long jumper. I’m not sure about Korea (and who is?), but in most
countries, if your parents name you “Benito Mussolini” or Whackjob von Nutz,”
you go to the courthouse on your eighteenth birthday and sign up as “William
Jones.”
Fidel Castro: Speaking of old Communists, I’ve
thought Castro was dead for years. If Hollywood makeup and method acting can
turn Charlize Theron into the spitting image of Aileen Wuornos, I think 2011
might be the year Michael Cera calls a press conference that begins, “Um. You
know, the word ‘treason’ gets batted around a lot these days…”
One of those Professional Starcraft Kids, One’s as Good as Another, Really: you know how
in the H. P. Lovecraft stories, everyone’s always going irrevocably insane
because they saw something indescribable from beyond the stars? That’s how I
feel about professional Starcraft. I
tried to play a game of Starcraft
once, and I’ve literally never shown less aptitude for any activity. It was
like watching a brine shrimp try out for the Detroit Lions – I genuinely did
not seem to have the right physical
structures. With the pressure ramped up after this year’s release of Starcraft II, it can’t be long before
one of them actually bursts into flames.
Otto von Habsburg: He has been the claimant to the
various Habsburg thrones since 1922.
That’s almost ninety years of “Oh, please. Just one little old kingdom. You’d
hardly miss it. You’re not even
using – what’s this called? Slovakia? Well, I can change the name later. Just
let me have it.” He is 98 and has
twenty-three grandchildren and four
citizenships. I would feel ready, I think.
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: At 86, he recently
transferred some of his powers to younger relatives. Now I’ve never been a king
and I likely never will be one, but if I were,
you could have my powers when you pried them out of my cold, dead, hands. If
he’s anything like me, which we probably both hope is not the case, this
transfer of power is a sign that his end is near.
Deborah Devonshire, Phyllis Diller, Angela Lansbury, Mel
Brooks, the Queen of England, etc.: None of these have any particular
warning signs except that they’re all over eighty and I like them all. 2010 was
a very good year for me so, believer in the other shoe dropping that I am, I
fully expect all the celebrities I like to kick it in 2011. (Yes, I do think
people die deliberately to upset me. Why else?)
Ariel Sharon: In a coma for four years. This one
feels kind of like a bunt, but everyone always used to put Brooke Astor on
their death lists and she kept going for years and years…
Barbara Bush: Is a bitch. That’s my contribution.
Jimmy Carter: It simply isn’t healthy for an eighty-six-year-old man to scamper off to global
tension spots every fifteen minutes. I think he’s decided to fall over dead
during one of these trips and get a street named after him in some dangerous
country, and I have to say it’s not a terrible plan, if only because it makes
this address possible:
People’s Bureau of Correct Behavior Enforcement
1701 Jimmy Carter Avenue
Fort Nightmare, Dangerstan 00178
(Yes, all countries have American-style ZIP codes. It’s a
NATO thing.)
People Who Won’t Die:
Aretha Franklin. Cancer better think (think!) twice, because
Aretha Franklin is going to find its house, get the key out of the fake rock,
and kick its ass.
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