Recrapity-crap Tuesdays (sort of...)

The City
Episode 7: Recapped by Chris
I’m going to recap this episode in 30 words or less, because really, nothing important happened that needs explaining. Ready? Go:
Erin is jobless, wait, no, she’s not. Allie is skinny. Kelly wants to know why. Allie is upset. Whit: “Why you gotta ask that?” “Kelly: Truth hurts.” Fin.

Mainly, I’m frustrated with how everything worked out for everyone on this episode. So I’m going to take the rest of this recap to rewrite this episode for you in a more realistic manner. Please enjoy:

The Shitty

[Scene: Delicatessen at brunch.]
Erin: Hey guys, I’m really bummed out. I have no job. You guys have jobs. Wah.
Whitney: Stop whining. Also, you look like a girl from the Addicted to Love video. Go easy on the lipstick next time?
Allie: I’ll give your resume to my boss. Also, have you tried Monster.com? Maybe actually looking for a job will help you find one.
Sam: I’m irrelevant.
Cue intro music: Robert Palmer – “Addicted to Love”

[Scene: One Management]
Scott Lipps: So Allie gave me your resume. Tell me about yourself.
Erin: Well I’ve spent the last year unofficially styling and soul-searching. Wait, is your last name really Lipps?
Scott: Get out of my office.

[scene: Whitney’s apartment]
Whitney: So Erin didn’t get the job.
Erin: So I’m getting fucked up tonight. Bring on the tequila!
Allie: I love when people speak their mind. Guys, is Kelly going to shit on me tonight?! God, I hope so.

[scene: Kelly Cutrone’s birthday party]
Erin is topless on bar.
Whitney: Oh Erin, she’s so free-spirited. And Kelly speaks her mind. My friends are so one-dimensional.
Allie: Hi Kelly, happy birthday. Aren’t I pretty?
Kelly: No. Not at all. Have a sandwich. Or seven. Kbyeeeeeee.
Allie storms out of party. Whitney follows.
Erin: Wooooo!!!! Oh hiiiiii JR!
JR enters stage left.
JR: You want a shot of tequila and a Bud light? (Note: Do I love this man for not making this two options or what?) If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together. In bed. In NYC. Let’s fuck?
Fade to black (out! Hiyooooooo!)

[Scene: The next morning, in Erin’s apartment]
JR: Why are my clothes different today from the ones I was wearing at the club last night? Did I go back to my apartment to change before we came here and made bad decisions?
Erin: Wait. Why are you here?

[scene: Whitney’s apartment]
Erin: OMG I love him. I’ve never talked about him before but JR is my dream man.
Whitney: Now I’m irrelevant. This is my show. Why am I unimportant?
Allie enters stage right.
Allie: Kelly’s a bitch.
Whitney: Yea, sorry about that. But I love her. But you’re right. But…
Erin: Whose side are you on, Whitney?
Whitney: No, you’re right. She’s a bitch.

[Scene: Bar, One Management party]
Kelly: Hey, sorry I upset you. No hard feelings?
Allie: None. It’s fine. (aside to Adam) What the fuck is she doing here? Cunt can’t give me space. This is my agency party –
Scott: Actually it’s my agency.
Allie: Whatever. I hate her.
Adam: Honey. Honey. Honey.

[Scene: DVF]
Olivia: Hi! How are you?
Whitney: OMG so last night, at Kelly’s party, Allie and Kelly –
Olivia: Yea, it was a rhetorical question. I don’t actually care.
Whit: Well I’m going to talk to Kelly about it.
Olivia: Ooo bad idea.

[Scene: Kelly’ office, People’s revolution]
Kelly: What’s going on?
Whitney: Why’d you say that? Allie’s hurt.
Kelly: I’m honest. The truth sucks.
Whit: Yea, but…
Kelly: Really? You’re questioning me? Get out of here.
Fin.

Bromance
Season Finale
Our season finale begins with the final three Bros (Chris the Token Asian, Luke and Femi) taking a lie detector test administered by Brody Jenner's mom. Brody's mom looks like if the plastic surgery cat lady went shopping in the juniors section of a WalMart, so it's very confusing to me when the Bros struggle to hide their raging mega boners around her. Apparently all I need to do to be hot is wear a lace camisole with my bra straps showing, white go-go boots and rhinestoned jeans. Oh and pull my face back until I look Asian and hold it back with binder clips. Perhaps even more ridiculous than Brody's mom's face is her line of questioning during the lie detector test. It starts out with relevant questions like "do you really like my son?" and then turns into a conversation you would have with your needy girlfriend about whether or not you really think she's hot. Femi and Luke pass Catwoman's test with flying colors but Chris ends up being sent home. It may have something to do with the fact that his test revealed he thinks Brody is fake, owns copious amounts of pornography and plans to masturbate to the image of Brody's mom later. Juuuust maybe. Upon reflecting on his Bromance experience, Chris says, "I didn't leave with Brody Jenner's friendship, but I did leave with a lot of memories...of me being awesome." Which is weird because that's actually verbatim what I say after leaving any and every room.

Next, Brody, Femi and Luke hop into Brody's private jet to visit Femi and Luke's hometowns. "Brody's" jet is called the Bro-Force 1. Really MTV? You didn't have a single bro pun left in you? Well, I guess it has been a long season. Let's call it the Bro-eing 747. That one was on the house.

First the boys head to Mississippi to meet Femi's family, and more importantly his white trash girlfriend. When I first saw Femi's girlfriend, I thought there was a slight chance she might be inbred. Then she opened her mouth and it was better confirmation than any DNA test could ever provide. Close your eyes and get her talk about french fried taters and you'd swear you were watching Sling Blade. Anyway, Femi makes an interesting choice when he decides to patch things up with old Karl Childers instead of showing Brody a good time during their big night out. Interesting choice Fembot...

From the dirty south, the boys head to Massachusettes to visit Luke's family. They're white and make lobster for dinner and bore me to tears. There's a scene where Brody helps a little boy hit a homerun in stickball and it's so tender and touching that I actually vomited an Anne Geddes poster, a bible scripture AND various passages from a Nicholas Sparks book all over my couch. Later that night Luke takes Brody and Femi to the local watering hole where Brody gets viciously made fun of for being a "pretty boy" and almost gets his ass kicked. It makes me laugh that the only danger the boys' see is in Luke's hometown, when Femi has been doing his best Dangerous Minds impression this entire season and the only scrape they got into in his "hood" was when some trashy girl desperately started to grind all up on Brody's business and Brody has to ask Luke to break it up.

Although Luke didn't stand up for Brody when the bar was making fun of him, Brody pays no mind and declares Luke the winner! Between Femi and Luke, I think the choice was somewhat obvious. The only words that come out of Femi's mouth are "bro," "dawg," "homey," or some off-putting animal in the jungle metaphor, whereas Luke is responsible for the following quote, which exemplifies why I love Bro culture:
"A toast! ::holds up champagne glass:: To lesbians and virgins!...Thanks for nothing."

Truer words were never spoken.

Recrap Tuesdays!

The City
Episode 6: Recapped by Chris
Remember 10 years ago how idealistically you thought about what your adult life would be like? How you’d be living in the fabulous city of your choosing, with an amazing job, a hot boyfriend/girlfriend who loved you and you had amazing sex with, and a social life that never stopped? Unfortunately, as anyone reading this blog is well aware, life post-college is hardly ever what you expected. That’s why God created “the twenty-something years,” a time for us all to figure out how to get from awkward teenagers to well-adjusted thirty-somethings who can function in society.

Normally, when I recap The City for you, I think “Wow, that’s what my life in The City is supposed to be like? Man, I am doing this all wrong.” But last night’s was refreshing, because it seemed to me as though our cast of beautiful people was having some growing pains of their own. So in order to help them, and by proxy, help you, I’ve come up with this incredibly complex and intelligent formula to determine precisely what age Leggy McBlonde and friends are at in their lives currently.
The City is So High School It Makes The Breakfast Club Look Like a Knitting Circle

• Allie Eyebrows and Adam’s fight in the street reeks of a fight you would have with your boyfriend/girlfriend in the hallway outside of the gym at your Spring Fling because he/she found out you circled “Maybe” on the “Do you like me?” note that cute guy/girl passed you in Alegbra.

• Whitney and Jay fighting because of Adam and Allie’s fight. Because your friends actions are a direct reflection of your own? Only in high school pregnancy pacts, Whitney.

• Adam’s forgiveness plea to Allie? “I’ll never lie to you” is something you say when you’re naive and don’t realize how long never actually is.

• As much as I hate agreeing with Olivia, did Whitney really need to fill her in on her friends’ drama before H.Waldorf actually meets them?

• Deciding to tell Eyebrows “the truth.” This does not make things better. Everyone ideally “would want to know” if it happened to them, but in practice, ignorance is bliss.

• Then the way shit went down. Cat slowly gravitated over, then stood with her back to Allie, until Brows got the balls (read: booze) enough to talk. Meanwhile, every other girl who knows what’s up is studying their shoes in silence.

• Also, could MTV’s editors be more gossipy without actually saying anything? For instance, the cutting of Bro-Talk with Adam and Jay where Jay asks Adam if anything actually happened. Instead of a yes or no response, we get 10 seconds of silence and Adam and Jay avoiding each other’s eyes.

Who Said Graduation Meant College Was Over?

• Best exchange of the episode:


Erin: “Wait..Sammy and Cat and then Adam and Allie are gonna be there?”
Whit: “Yup.”
Erin: “Is it open bar?”

• Erin, I love you more each episode.

• I don’t think tequila is the preferred beverage at a gallery opening, Jay.

• Cat and Sam, who are giving Jay a run for his money on the I’m-only-semi-attractive-when-the-sun-goes-down front, thinking that Cat’s gigantic nose is going to come between the power couple. I think these two are in that special period of their life before you realize what beer goggles are.

If I Am Drinking Wine at a Bar, That Means I’m an Adult, Right?

• Seriously, Adam is always ordering wine at bars. Is this a quirk that all male models have?

• Adam’s hair also deserves mention. First, he’s an 80s powerbroker, then a sleazy car salesman. How about you keep a haircut that’s age-appropriate?

• When Olivia shows her true colors (finally!!) and flat out tells Whitney she doesn’t want to hear about her friends’ bullshit. Nothing like some honesty about who you are as a person.

• Nevan also had a special moment when he exposes the yellowed underarm of his T-shirt to the world. I believe he represents that point in your life where you just stop caring what you look like.

• On a personal note, Nevia reminded me of Statler and Waldorf of the Muppets fame. They always have shit to say, none of which is positive, on stuff they barely participate in.

Based on highly intensive calculations and logic, Whit and friends are in their first semester, where you can’t quite shake those old high school habits, but you desperately want more Busch Lite, even if you hooked up with a cave creature whilst under the influence last week. Except for Adam, who could very well be Benjamin Button, a 75-year-old man with the body of a 23-year old.


Bromance
Episode 5: "Little Jeans, Big Hearts"
I'm going to put something out there. You can pick it up and take it with you, or you can leave it on the table and walk away. It really doesn't matter to me. Tonight's episode of Bromance was...legitimately funny television. And I say that without a hint of irony. Not even a teaspoon of snark. I laughed out loud numerous times and didn't write any show notes while watching because I was honest-to-God too busy enjoying myself. Hell! I might watch this episode online again sometime in the near future should I need a good laugh.

Mr. Jenner; hats off to you sir. I was unsure about this show in the beginning, but your masterpiece approaches the fine line between moronic, vapid, self-promotion and substantive comedic television and dances on it. And that dance is a beautiful Viennese Waltz, sir. You are a King among men, Samuel Brody Jenner.

Tonight's episode is all about finding out which Bro can cut through the bullshit of Hollywood and be a true friend to Brody. In order to do this, the Bros will have to rock the red carpet "all up in his" new line of "ugly ass jeans" that Brody has told them is part of the new Jenner Jeans collection. (I like how I'm using quotation marks so liberally to make myself feel intellectually superior to Brody Jenner, when in reality this is exactly how I talk everyday.)

Of course this whole Jenner Jeans nonsense is just a big prank to see if anyone will have the balls to tell Brody that he looks like a flaming jackass and should ditch the Jenner Jeans. It's pretty hilarious. The jeans themselves look like a sixth grade girl's Lisa Frank binder threw up all over them. They're heavily bedazzled, ultra-lowrise, insanely tight and feature a glittery "BJ" prominently on the butt. But before they can hit the red carpet, the Bros go to a spa for some manscaping. Alex gets his chest waxed because, well, as Brody points out, it's just really funny to watch a guy get his chest waxed.

Later, Femi is the only Bro to confront Brody about how horrible his jeans are, but then decides to be there for his homie and wear them on the red carpet anyway. The Bros whore out the jeans pretty well, striking kung-fu poses and talking to the press about how much they just lahhv their BJ's! At one point, E!'s Ted Casablanca asks to see Femi's butt to which Femi swivels around, sticks out his booty and shouts to Ted, "CRACK ISN'T WHACK, SON!" Seriously...amazing.

The next night's challenge is to have a one-on-one chat with Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole (who Brody is actually dating). I like this challenge because it's basically Brody Jenner being like, "let's see who can talk to my girlfriend for five minutes without busting a load in his pants." Little Chris, the Token Asian, ends up winning the challenge and gets to hang in a hot tub with Jayde and Playboy's Miss October. Remember that scene in Sixteen Candles when Ted gets to drive Jake Ryan's dad's Rolls Royce around with the Homecoming Queen passed out in the front seat? It was kind of like that, but in water.

Later over a sushi dinner, Brody has to decide between eliminating Alex or Luke. I don't know why this is such a big deal because they're basically the same person, one's Boston accent is just slightly thicker than the other. Brody likes them both a lot (thus proposing that Pip should come back just to kick him off again,) but has to choose between them because Alex and Luke have a very strong Bromance going on themselves. Brody decides to eliminate Alex (with the less offensive Boston accent) and the show closes with a montage of Alex and Luke's most bromantic moments. ACES TEN!

Recrap Tuesdays!

The City
Episode 4: Recapped by Chris

This week on The City, Whitney learns a new word (“Socials? Is that like socialites?”), gets to bask in the presence of DVF herself (best exchange in this entire series: Whitney to DVF: “you look so pretty!” DVF, bemusedly: “No I don’t…”) and finally defines the relationship with Jay. And unfortunately, that’s about all she wrote.

In other not so important news, Whitney meets a new co-worker, Chris, at the Wonderwoman event who boldly asks her out to lunch. She accepts, and they have an awkward conversation, during which he hardly blinks until Whit is so weirded out she asks for the check.

Hardly newsworthy and definitely should not make anyone jealous. But somehow Whit dropping this casually into conversation with Jay incites a meltdown in our Aussie hipster, which leads him to ask her to be his girlfriend. Do people do that anymore? Seriously, this is like a step away from passing her this note:

Will you be my girlfriend? Circle one:

Yes No

And I find it hard to believe that Bro-Talk with Adam and Jay at Il Bastardo of all places would have led Jay to make the decision to wife Whitney. But Jay decides to surprise Whitney with wine and the promise of an actual relationship.

While Whitney and Jay are blissfully holding hands on the swingset, Erin and Duncan are…backsliding? I’m confused, didn’t you just say I love you? And now when he wants to be with you more, so you freak out? Erin and Duncan are trying to decide if being around each other more is a good idea, because that makes sense.

I’m going to end this recap with a short haiku to our dear Heidi Waldorf:

Please act like a bitch.

Would it kill you to meddle?

Your fake smile sucks.

Bromance
Episode 3: Who's Got Game?

This episode of Bromance begins with Lauren Conrad interviewing the Bros, game show style.

The goal of the interview is to see what kind of Game each Bro brings to the table, because Brody needs a good wingman. LC asks a bunch of lame questions like "Describe your ultimate first date" and "How would you approach me at a club if I already have a drink in my hand?" Luke delivers a surprisingly high-larious cheesy pick up line: "Hey do you wanna go halfsies?...On a baby?" If a guy asked me that, I'd be unzipped in under a half a second. That's just amazing. I'm not even mad.

Next best question and answer:
LC: "Gary, if you were an animal, what would you be and why?"
Gary, aka Pip from Lord of the Rings: "I'd be an elephant. Designed and ridden by Kings." ::Immediately looks like he regrets that answer, a lot::

LC chooses Alex as the winner because "he seems chill." He wins an awkward conversation on the roof with LC and Brody. Yay...?

Next there is a delightfully staged scene where Brody is soaping up in his glass shower (meow,) when Franky and Sleazy-T walk in and proceed to have a full-blown conversation with him as he showers. I want to call out this scene for being gay, but let's not lie, when Chris and I lived together it wasn't uncommon for one of us to take a seat on the John and have a heart-to-heart with the other in the shower. Showering is boring. Your friends are entertaining. I get you Brody. I get you more than I care to...

Next, each Bro designs an activity for the group to do which showcases their personalities. Luke designs a mini-golf course; Jered designs the world's most dangerous slip-and-slide; Alex has a jam-session on the guitar with Brody on the drums (during which Femi freestyles and rhymes "party" with "Bacardi" and pours a solo cup of Pepsi on the hardwood floor for his fallen homies); Gary teaches the gang a dance routine which Brody describes as some "Napoleon Dynamite shit;" Token-Asian-Nerd Chris F. does a stand-up comedy routine which makes me want to crawl out of my skin and fly away. The Bros heckle him. He cries. The Bros (except for Femi) feel bad and try to cheer him up and it's a tender and touching moment. A BrOprah moment, if you will; Femi holds a session on personal style. He mostly just rants and raves about personal grooming and it's all very uncomfortable and non-nonsensical. I believe at one point he quotes Arnold Schwarzenegger as saying "When I go to the gym, it's like coming for me."

Femi then drops the bomb that he's going to get a tattoo and in walks a tattoo artist to set up shop. But mind you Femi is not just getting any tattoo, he's getting the exact same tattoo Brody has ("Jenner," Brody's last name), on the exact spot that Brody has his (left side, ribs). There's a distinct Single White Female vibe looming at this point. Come on Femi, did you learn nothing from Heather on season one of Rock of Love? Getting the name of the person whose affection you're trying to win on a reality TV show will not necessarily save you from elimination. And when people see JENNER tattooed along your ribs in giant letters, odds are they won't assume you're Brody's BFF, but rather that you're super homogay for the '80's Olympic Decathalon winner.

My thoughts exactly, Bruce.

Femi goes through with the tattoo and I think Brody gets too weirded and actually leaves the house mid-tattoo. The Bros call out Femi for copying Brody's tattoo after he just gave them an uncomfortable lecture on individual style. Femi tries to stand up for himself and all of a sudden he's shouting like a lunatic about being questioned by the cops for 12 hours when his "homey" got shot in the back. What? Did I black out? How did we get here? Whatever Femi is taking, I want a lot of it. Because he's like a walking amusement park. Later he says he doesn't regret his decision to get the tattoo because he wants to go out with a bang. That seems like a poor choice of words after his bizarre "Mah Homey Got Shot!" speech.

Later that night at elimination, Boston Kid says he's so nervous that he "has a dump poking out of his drawers." This reminds me of something Talia would say, and I mean that in the most endearing way ever. Why do Brody Jenner and I live parallel Bro/gay Bro in a Girl's Body lives? I can't decide how I feel about this...In the end Alex goes home. I'm not entirely sure why, I'm just glad it wasn't Pip. This episode of Bromance redeemed it'self from the suckery of last week's episode, hands down.

Recrap Tuesdays!

The City
Episode 3: Recapped by Chris
Last night’s episode of The City was all about “The L Word” and while I’m sure all of your faithful 2b1b readers want to see Whitney get hot and steamy with Olivia (Whivia? Olitney?), unfortunately that “L word” is not lesbians. I’ll give you three guesses but you’ll probably only need one. Clearly we’re talking here about love; mainly whether Whitney and Jay do or ever will have that. Compared to Erin and her new Toronto boyfriend Duncan, our girl Whit is feeling less than stellar about her relationship with Jay. Since Erin and Duncan are canoodling and playing the guitar (oooo steamy!), they must be in love. Poor Whitney is all “OMG I’m so third wheel. Laterz.” Can you really blame her? Sure cuddling is innocent enough, but Whit’s been sleeping on Erin’s couch so I’m sure she hears other aspects of Erin’s relay. Hint: it’s not more guitar lessons.

So Whitney is on the hunt for an apartment. Or rather she roped Jay into hunting for her. That shit must be love, because New York apartment hunting is a bitch and I don’t want to have to do that for myself, let alone for someone I’m only sort of seeing. Regardless, at the DVF online catalog shoot, Whitney fills Olivia in on her apartment search plans, and Olivia offers the quintessential apartment search advice “Don’t settle on the first one you see.” But Whitney probs missed that comment when Jay called her to tell her he found an apartment for her. Whitney bounces early to see this amazing apt Jay found. And it is pretty amaymay: corner unit, floor to ceiling windows, hardwood floors, balcony, 30^th floor. There are few things I wouldn’t do for an apartment like that. The leasing agent, who may be the L word after all, judging by that pants suit, tells Whitney there is competition for this apt. No shit, this is NYC, and apartments last about as long as Tyra Banks’ singing career. Lucky for Whit, MTV worked their magic for the apartment (and Whitney’s legs worked some magic on the leasing agent) and she finds out she got the apt the next day at work.

But back to “the L word.” Erin and Duncan had such a great time at Brass Monkey that they each dropped the L bomb. However, when Erin tells Whitney and Jay about it, we find that there are two camps of love here: Erin thinks you should say it when you feel it, even if you’ve been dating for all of 2 seconds and your bfry lives in Toronto, and Jay doesn’t want to throw that word around lightly. Whitney must be thinking “Dammit Jay! I’m hot! You like me! Now put a ring on it!” But she just smiles and nods, because she not contractually obligated to punch a wall until at least season two.

Our brief Nevia cameo (seriously guys, get real friends) of the episode is kind of sad, as the two have nothing better to talk about than some lame anecdote about Nevan’s life and Whitney’s apartment hunt and how pissed Olivia is that Whitney didn’t take her advice. However, Nevan did say that NY girls are cutthroat and evil and who would know better than Olivia. I do hope this is some intense foreshadowing, because the boredom of Heidi Waldorf and art boy cousin are taking years off my life.

We close on Whitney and Jay having the dreaded relationship talk. Whitney is all “I don’t want to call you my bfry…unless that’s what you want.” which is just clever speak for “Please let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend and skip through Central Park together!” But Jay counters with the long version of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” He does assures her however that he wants to get to know her better. Real reassuring, Justin Bobby Jay. So Jay diffuses the situation with a smile and a “We’re on the right page then?” All Whitney wants is to be in a relationship on Facebook with you, Jay. I guess she’ll have to settle for “It’s Complicated with Jay Lyon.”

Take me out, Beyonce.

Bromance
Episode 2: Bro-Athon
First and foremost I want to state for the record that the way Brody Jenner says his "l's" makes me uncomfortable. There's sort of this dainty Latino touch. Everytime he says "L.A." I have a flashback of watching Selena in my seventh grade Spanish class.

I digress. The second episode of Bromance begins with a call from Brody telling the boys to put on a pair of tennis shoes and get ready to have some fun. It's time for a Bro-Athon! The overall objective of the Bro-Athon is for Brody to see how competitive these boys are, but also to see if they can have fun with whatever he throws at them. I get that. Sometimes I drop my friends off in a bad neighborhood blindfolded and wait for them to make it home, just to keep them sharp. And if they don't return with a smile and a good story...consequences.

Event 1 of the Bro-Athon is the Lazy Boy Slalom. This consists of strapping oneself into a Lazy Boy recliner and rolling down a steep hill while trying to grab a remote control, a drink and a pizza box placed in the middle of the road. Most of the Bros fall over and hurt themselves. I guess it's funny. Femi compares his performance to that of a tiger. That morning he had already compared himself to Sammy Davis Jr. and a lion. 50 bucks says next he compares himself to Frank Sinatra and a unicorn.

After Luke is crowned the Lazy Boy Slalom winner, Brody asks Gary (aka Pip from Lord of the Rings) what kind of dance he teaches. Upon hearing that he teaches hip-hop, Brody proposes a dance-off between Pip and Femi. Femi stars talking some whack shit about Pip and the Asian kid comes to Pip's defense and talks some shit back. Brody has a private temper tantrum because he's not into this "fighting crap." Then he gets all zen on us and says, "the real loser, is the one with the bad attitude." Wax on, wax off.

Round 2 is a little something called Bro Your Boat. Brody watches the Bros work in groups of two to create a raft out of blow-up dolls tied together by lingerie to see how well they can work together. Again, that's completely normal. One time I made my friends construct a mini-golf putter out of vibrators held together with scrunchies to watch their beautiful friendship synergy in action. And to improve my mini-golf game.

Luke and Jered win.

The Bro-Athon concludes with the Bro-MX. The Bros have to ride bikes built for small girls over BMX hills and do a five barrel jump. The Bro who jumps the most barrels wins. This is all obviously because Brody is looking for a friend with balls. A friend who is willing to do something even if it's kind of dangerous. This is my favorite segment thanks to Chris F. the nerdy Asian kid. Chris F. wipes out in a big way and only makes it one foot and three inches across the barrel jump. "You wanna know what else is one foot, three inches?" the Asian asks the camera, "MAH DICK!" If I were Brody Jenner, I would have stopped the competition right then and there and rode off into the sunset with that bottle-cap-glasses-wearing-Asian. Oh and Alex wins.

Later that night, Brody has the Bros over for some one-on-one time, Bachelor style. I'm not kidding. There's a fire pit, candles, drinks, soft music in the background and lots of heart wipes to transition from scene to scene. Apparently fire pit + candles + Brody Jenner = CRY FEST '09!

Femi and Brody's one-on-one was the absolute most confusing thing I have ever seen. Brody asks Femi "what he's been through in life" and all of a sudden there are tears rolling down Femi's face as he begins to explain some traumatic life experience. But Femi's voice sounds like he's talking about buying toilet paper, not like he's talking about something single-tear-down-cheek-worthy. Femi goes on to tell some asinine story about how he once got suspended from school. The tears continue to stream down his cheeks and neither Brody nor Femi react to these tears. I'm so confused. 1.) Femi's not even blinking let alone talking like he's choked up, is he aware that he's crying? 2.) I can't believe his Boyz in da Hood story is about getting suspended from school and having to go to a hearing. That's not cry worthy. Maybe he wasn't crying? Were his eyes sweating? WTF?

Later, Pip admits to Femi that he told Brody that Femi isn't being true to himself. Femi flips out (specifically screaming "You contradicted yourself. YOU ARE FEMALE! THAT IS A FEMALE TRAIT!...L0Lz) and Pip feels so badly that he has himself a good cry alone on the balcony.

Chris P. cries because he 100% fucked up his one-on-one time with Brody when he brings up Brody's bad relationship with his father, admits he's here to meet LC, tries to recover and ends up calling LC a ho and then accidentally spills his drink all over Brody. Standing ovation, sir.

Jared cries because he moved to Orlando and his family hasn't visited him yet.

I cry because I can't believe there's still 20 minutes left in this show.

Some drama, yelling, getting drunk, hangovers, puking, squashing of beef all occur. Blah, blah, blah, I want to hear the Asian kid talk about his dick again.

This episode's elimination takes place on a party boat. DAMNIT! I was really feeding off of the awkward energy from last week's hot tub! In the end Chris P. gets kicked off because he can't open up to Brody. He has to sail a little dingy back to Kentucky. This episode was weak and Brody Jenner and I are in a fight because I can't believe I stayed up this late to watch that horseshit. Thank God for the Asian kid...that was this episode's only saving grace.

I owe you this recap...I mean I BRO you this recap!

Bromance, Brody Jenner's find-a-friend reality competition, is like MTV's Christmas present to me. And thank you MTV! I love it! I'll wear it all year and think of you.

I don't want to get too graphic with you, but when I first heard that Bromance was in production, I came in my pants. Twice. First and foremost, I'm a sucker for a good pun and I chuckled over "Bromance" for at least three days. Bro-dy! Bro-culture! Romance! Bromance! ACES. Second, as we all know, I have a bizarre fascination with Bros. What with their backwards caps, boyish good looks, Jack Johnson CDs and energy drinks. But now I don't have to go out to observe their mystifying ways! MTV and Brody Jenner bring 'em right into my living room every Monday night! I owe you one MTV. In fact I'd like to repay you by pitching you another reality competition. I call it Bromancing the Stone. In it, I spend three weeks with 20 bros in a mansion and eliminate a few each week until I find that one special Bro who can melt my snarky ice-cold heart. In the end I learn to stop being such a stuck-up bitch and the Bros learn that there's more to life than banging chicks and Dane Cook DVDs. Yes? No? Get back to me.

Bromance: Episode 1
The show opens with Brody explaining what exactly a "bromance" is (a bond between you and your go-to guys). Currently Brody's go-to guys include Frankie of The Hills fame and a character named "Sleazy T." This is why bros fascinate me. Do you know how much ass Sleazy T probably gets, even though his name is based on a giant unattractive vice? A lot. That's how much. If I changed my name to Doesn't Give a Shit M, something tells me I probably wouldn't have any friends, nevertheless get copious amounts of ass. Sigh...damn glass ceiling.

On the first day of the competition, Frankie and Sleazy T send two security guys to wake up the Bros at their hotel at 4:30 in the morning. We're introduced to each Bro as they're "abducted" by the security guards, seen in cheap night vision on loan from Kim Kardashian's sex tape. I thoroughly enjoyed this scene because it's nothing but Bros in their boxers looking confused and tired. Just like I like 'em.

Right off the bat I'm intrigued by Michael because it's clear he spends more time on his eyebrows than I do mine. Except he doesn't have a defined arch; they just go up and then end abruptly so he looks like a perpetually concerned anime character.

The guys are taken to the Bro mansion. There's something slightly homoerotic about the scene where the Bros are half-naked on their knees with bags over their heads, holding hands waiting to meet Brody Jenner. Bro Chris P. gets some airtime and I decide that I totally want to do it with him and have his little yellow polo shirted babies. He then says "Brody Jenner is pretty much the Austin Powers of the 21st century" and suddenly I have plans to wash my hair.

Michael compares being in the Bro mansion to being in the Ahn-ee-mal house. Not animal. Ahn-ee-mal. That plus the eyebrows add up to Token Gay Guy. At this point I've also developed a crush on Gary who describes himself as "the guy who doesn't fit in, but finds a way to fit in" and looks like Pip from Lord of the Rings.

The Bro's first challenge is to find two hot chicks to take to a lingerie party that night at a club called "Hush." (As in hush, It'll only take a second.) The Bro with the hottest chicks wins. Femi boasts this will be a cakewalk because this is just an average day for him back home. Hm. Later when touring the house, Femi claims a top bunk so that when the Bros sleep, "they'll still look up to him." Something tells me Femi has a lot of experience being a top.

The Bros walk around the street like jackasses begging girls to come to their party. Back at the house they vent about how stressful this is in the can-fessional. A confessional booth in the bathroom. It's a real dump! L0LZ!

The Bros arrive at Hush and start to freak out because not a lot of girls have shown up. Gary is the first guy to have both of his ladies show. Score one for Pip! Michael gets in next because he's attracted two hot chicks with his gaydom. However he fucks it up when he gives Brody a birthday card in the club and Brody does the "Oh...hah...how sweet..." thing you do when you get an ugly sweater from your grandmother. It turns out the card says "It's time to get bromantic. From your new BFF Mike. Frankie Delgado move over!" Later Frankie drunkenly confronts Michael about how rude his card was, specifically because he didn't add a "haha" or "LOL" after the move over Frankie quip.

Luke (who has the world's most grating Boston accent) is psyched when his two ladies show up and as they're walking to the club says, "I'm psyched the girls are here now. And they're hot! I'm totally winning this." Then there's a beat and one of the girls in a pissed off tone inquires, "Winning what?" Please give this show an Emmy. Right now. For that scene alone.

Chris P. and Femi's chicks don't show up. Inside the club, the Bros are forced to give awkward, drunken toasts to Brody (aka Broasts). Jacob's is sloppy. Gary (who it turns out is a dance instructor? LOLZ! I love him even more now!) says that you can't have friendship without love. Frankie whispers something in Brody's ear, which I assume to be "fag!" but Brody in the most sincere way corrects him and says, "No, he's right, he's right. He's right! I like that toast! He's right!" Second Emmy-deserving moment.

Luke wins and Chris P. and Femi have to clean the club.

The next morning Michael decides to leave because Lauren Conrad isn't there and there are gross stains in the sink.

That night the Bros go to "Brody's" sick penthouse apartment and find out that whoever wins the competition also wins "his" apartment, fully furnished by West Elm. Michael must be kicking himself in his madras shorts.

The elimination ceremony takes place in a steamy hot tub and there are far too many shots of Brody lowering himself into it in slow-mo. This scene is seriously one handlebar moustache away from being straight out of a 70's porn and I'm not even mad. The Bros, however, are uncomfortable because their "knees are touching."

In the end Jacob is eliminated because he drops f-bombs, can't write a broast and wears a Panama Jack hat. Good call Mr. Jenner.

Is it next Monday yet?

The Nighthawk: An Essay

I have to confess—I am completely disenchanted with The Bro. Thanks to the popularity of Bro Culture, Bros are no longer a novelty; they’re trendy, and nothing kills something faster than becoming a trend. Just ask Ashton Kutcher’s trucker hat. Bros are no longer delightfully clueless creatures for us to study in their natural habitats (bars, lounges, kickball games, etc.) Rather, you can go to your local Barnes and Nobles and buy a book to tell you everything about them, or pick up any trendy lifestyle magazine to read some smug, wry, hipster dissect them and their culture (that’s my job damnit! Not theirs!) Therefore, I’m officially retiring my fascination with Bros. Good luck partying like it’s 2003 Bros, may you keep the dream alive.

As with any death, I buried my emotions deep down and decided to hit the bars this weekend to distract myself, surrounded by the company of friends, my main man Sam Adams and a little bump and grind to T.I. on the dance floor. It was hard to distract myself from my ex-social-obsession with delightfully creepy Bros inviting us into their party busses blasting “Journey” headed towards the waterfront for the “sickest bachelor party ever!” My heart said, “Say yes! There’s a strobe light and I think I see a “Best of Eminem” mix CD! This can’t end badly!” My head however, said no. I had to be strong.

Three of my girlfriends and I were sharing a cheer-up beer at Caddy’s in Bethesda Friday night after seeing the disturbing depress-a-thon Changeling, starring Angelina Jolie (I think I went into the theatre thinking it was a touching family comedy…Turns out it’s more of an axe murderer filled...insane asylum centered...not comedy.)

I was sitting at our table outside the bar wondering how I was going to tell my friends that I was too scared to drive home on the back roads alone, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of the guy sitting at the table next to ours who looked suspiciously like Speedy Gonzalez. His eyes were scanning the crowd as he slowly stroked the nine hairs he calls a moustache, deep in concentration. At first I thought he was alone, but I soon realized there was another guy sitting across from him, also creepily surveying the bar. I thought maybe they were strangers who decided to share a table out of convenience, but I noticed whenever a hot girl walked by them, they leaned in and shared a succinct head nod and pervy smile before going back to scanning the crowd in stony silence. It became apparent that although they were probably good friends, they were at the bar to strictly find girls to pick up, sitting in stony silence until that moment arrives. "Who is this creature?" thought I. They weren’t well dressed enough to be White Caps, but not fun-spirited enough to be Bros. It dawned on me that I’ve seen these men before, and odds are, you have too. They were Nighthawks.

The Structure, Mating Habits and Social Rituals of The Nighthawk

Figure One: The Nighthawk


Introduction: The Nighthawk (alternatively called “That Creepy Guy,” “Why is This Creepy Guy Talking to me?” “Who was that Creepy Guy You Were Talking to? And “Ugh, There’s That Creepy Guy I was Talking to Again,”) is a man who comes to the bar or club with one thing on his mind and one thing only: to get the drunkest chick in the bar to fuck him. Whether it’s in the bathroom, in an alley or actually on the dance floor, they are there to get some, and that’s it. I realize that most guys go out with the shared goal of getting laid, but Nighthawks take this classic principle to an extreme and socially awkward level. They’re purists; they waste no time taking part in normal social rituals like talking to friends, having a good time, chatting up a girl, mingling, laughing or generally acting like a normal member of society. These are all things that could potentially distract and take time away from spotting their prey. Instead, they prefer to stand in the shadows of the bar, gently nodding their heads to the beat, ominously sipping a beer, while making intense eye contact with girls to see which one is drunk enough to smile back. It’s such a simple existence. They’re like the Tibetan monks of the bar scene. Once they find a girl to approach, they simple wander over and attempt a conversation starter (“I’ve been watching you all night, you really know how to dance,” “You have beautiful eyes,” “So where do you work?”) If the Nighthawk has done his work right, she’ll quickly give him a once over and decide it’s getting late and she needs ass enough to go home with him.

Clothing: Doesn’t matter. Drunk chicks don’t care what you’re wearing; they care how fast the room is spinning and whether or not you’re interested. Oh you are? Here’s my virginity.

Community Structure: What perplexes me most about Nighthawks is that they’re solitary creatures (save for the double-team my friends and I got.) There’s no point in having a community because community means distraction and competition. Remember, it’s not about having fun; it’s about hunting your prey and going in for the kill. While Bros are LOLZing about the newest South Park episode and White Caps are comparing golf scores, Nighthawks are counting how many Long Island Ice-Ts that blonde chick has had and are waiting for her to lose her balance. Competition is out of the question. Let’s say that drunken blonde chick loses her footing after the fifth Long Island Ice-T; a Nighthawk doesn’t have the social skills to win her affection when she tumbles into his buddy's arms. It’s say goodbye to Sally McSlurs and start all over again.

Where to Find a Nighthawk in DC: Anywhere and everywhere. You might have no clue what I’m talking about right now, but the next time you’re at a bar, you’ll see him, alone, surrounded by groups of friends. He’ll be staring too hard at some girl. If he loses interest in her, his head will quickly dart around 180-degree’s like an owl’s to search for another. If you make eye contact, run away. If he starts a conversation, ask him if he’s found Jesus yet.

Mating Ritual: It’s usually awkward, off-putting and socially retarded. Let me share with you what happened with the Nighthawks from Friday: The Hawks decided they were going to focus their attention on our table. When simply starring too hard didn’t yield results, one of the Nighthawks literally pounded his fist on the table to make a pint glass on the edge of the table fall and shatter, in an effort to attract attention. Mind you, I’m the only one at my table facing them. One of the Nighthawks looked at me, smiled and knocked another glass off of his table. Then he made a mischievous “shhh!” motion with his finger to his lips before knocking another glass over. When my friend across the table looked down, slightly disgusted, to make sure her purse wasn’t wet, the Nighthawk looked back to me and giggled like “Don’t tell her what I’m doing! LOLZ! We’re all this together! LOLZ!” Finally, when it was clear we weren’t drunk enough to think knocking shit off a table is manly and sexy; they literally started pounding on their table like monkeys until we turned around to look at them. Apparently this is an invitation to join us in the mind of the Nighthawk, as they got up, dragged over their chairs and joined our circle. Sadly for them, Anna and Sarah bolted to the bar, I told one of them I was married and pregnant before returning to my beer and Jill was left to awkwardly squirm and look to me for help. Unfortunately I was distracted thinking about my wonderful fake husband and unborn baby at the time, sorry Jill.

How to Capture a Nighthawk: Get drunk and look desperate.

Final Summation: I’ve recently decided to declare war on the mass display of actions that are socially unacceptable, a war I call “The War on Social Terrorism” (read: I declare war on social retards but don’t want the blog to get sued again making so-called negative comments about the handi-capable). Nighthawks are at the top of my list of Evil Do-ers and I ask you for your support during this difficult time. Thank you, and God Bless the Blog.

New Feature!

So what I've learned from my Bros and White Caps entry is that people really like Bros. Bros are like that person in your group of friends you're constantly making fun of, but deep down you really love. (In retrospect, that's really not an analogy, that's more of a literal definition of what a Bro is.)

Let us continue the celebration of, and education about Bros with a new blog feature called Bro Zone.



I've been getting a lot of emails and texts from readers letting me know they were at ____ bar last night and dude, it was a total Bro Zone! Keep up the good work readers. I want to keep studying the sociology of The Bro, and being in their natural habitat is the best way to do this. If you're out at a bar in the near future and suddenly realize the past three songs on the stereo have all been by Dave Mathews and the conversation around you primarily centers around Jenna Jameson's ass, you've probably found yourself in a Bro Zone. Remain calm, take a picture and email it to- 2birds1blog@gmail.com. Check out this prime group of Bros sent in by Talia at Lucky Bar:

I think the best part about this picture is that these Bros were instructed to reenact "The Bro Shot" from my 20 Male Poses of Facebook entry, but their good-time party spirit literally could not be contained and it morphed into the "Too Much Party for One Picture" shot. God damnit I respect you Bros.

Also, the Bro in the middle looks like a 90's sitcom character but I can't put my finger on who...and I'm oddly attracted to him. Damnit! I promised myself I would never fall for a Bro again!