HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD

First and foremost, I have no idea why the last star isn't filled in all the way. Why don't you tell me? Second and secondmost, I wrote this really unnecessarily long introduction about how I discovered this on Netflix and how it was obviously a very emotional find for me, and it just kind of went on and on from there and somehow and my five-year plan came up, but you know what? Fuck it. Because sometimes a gif is worth a thousand words:

That is how I felt. And that is how I hope you feel when you play...

The Up in Smoke Tour Drinking Game!

Rules

I suppose you could switch things up and take a hit from your preferred smoking device instead of taking a drink, but I feel like that would lead to an award-winning panic attack or eating 10,000 calories in under 30-seconds. If you're me, probably both. So, please proceed with caution.

Pour one out for:

- Easy E

- Big Pun

- Roger Troutman

- Biggie

- Tupac

- Nate Dogg

- Chevy Chase Bank

Drink when: 

- There's an uncomfortable shot of a frat bro who clearly has alcohol poisoning being hauled away by security down a nondescript hallway during the opening montage...

- Pot leaf

- Hood rats

- Your eyes well up with tears because you'll never be able to turn back time and see this concert live

- Ice Cube has a farcically elaborate stage intro

- Ice Cube asks, "What the fuck is up, Massachusetts?"

- Ice Cube pronounces "Massachusetts" as "Mass-a-two-cents", which, if I were from Boston, would abso-fucking-lutely be my stage name and I would just go around rapping my opinions on various topics, whether you asked for it or not

- White girl in a halter top

- Ice Cube plugs Next Friday, and frankly, you don't mind

- Blue bandana (drink twice if it's being worn as, or incorporated in a shirt)

- UH, Ice Cube introduces you to the phrase "crazy as cat shit" and you feel like you owe him a steak dinner for such alliterative gold

- Crip Walking

- You watch a youtube tutorial on Crip Walking, try it because it looks like a good core work out, and then immediately feel like an asshole

- 2001 Eminmen makes you sad. Just really, really sad. Because 2012 Eminem exists and he looks like a heavily photoshopped/untalented cat.

- TITTIES!

- You wish Eminem would have a yard sale so his 10-foot inflatable stage middle fingers could flank your bed

- HA HA HA HA HA. "Stan".

- You feel conflicted:

- SEXUAL AND VIOLENT STAGE VIDEO INTRODUCTIONS

- The thought of Dr. Dre getting his dick sucked makes you incredibly uncomfortable because you view him as a sort of father-figure. But you'd totally have sex with him. It's just a very confusing situation with a lot of gray areas.

- "The Next Episode"

- It's just so good

- Call and response

- Tricycles

- Basketball

- You could deal with about 60% more Xzibit in your life

- Snoop Dogg demonstrates a very PETA-friendly attitude towards insects

- Conversely, you claw your own flesh off because watching Snoop Dogg feed a cockroach a french fry on a restaurant wall makes you feel like you just smoked an entire salad bowl of meth

- The stoner skull is honest-to-god terrifying

- Eminem really didn't like boy bands. It comes up a lot. Like more than it should.

- TRL reference

- Unfortunate flashback to eighth grade

- No disrespect to Snoop, but you kind of wish a little more of the behind the scenes action was devoted to Dre

- Again, Xzibit seems like the best friend you've never had

- Vag...

- Because yes, there's straight-up vag...

- You weep because it's over

- THE SHOW, that is. Not the vag. The vag being over felt like a win. A big, unkempt, unfortunate win.

Have a great weekend, son! <--- Love, Meghan "Incapable of Leaving on a High Note" Rowland

Recipe Corner Redux: Faygo Roast

I don’t want to have the conversation about it right now, but: Insane Clown Posse really got me and Meg through a rough patch working on the last book. I know we mentioned this earlier, but everyone probably thought it was a joke, but it wasn’t. I’m not going to try to talk anyone else into it, but I want to present two videos just so you can see:

Admit it. You smiled.

Anyway, one of the principal things of ICP is a regional soda called Faygo. It makes a cameo in the “Homies” video – see that blue stuff poured over the guy’s head early on? According to legend (Wikipedia), they also spray the audience with it during live shows. Meg and I are in talks to borrow the technology so we can spray Kendall-Jackson chardonnay on the audience at our next event.

I had so much “luck” with the Four Loko roast that I decided to give it another shot. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present:

Recipe Corner: Faygo Roast

Roasts are fun to make because the only real work required is tossing spices into liquid, pouring it on meat, and doing something else for a few hours. I ordered the Faygo from someone called “detroitwhut” on Amazon, and it arrived quickly and as described. After much thought – seriously, I was willing to do anything to postpone working on that book – I chose the flavor “Rock & Rye,” which is named after a cocktail. A Rock & Rye is a glass of rye whiskey with a piece of rock candy in it, which sounds… effective. The Faygo version of it tastes more or less like birch beer and is actually pretty good.

Don’t you like how the iPod camera really picks up the red in the meat?

Faygo, up close, with thumb.

Not until I saw this picture did I realize that I set this bowl dangerously close to the counter. The marinade contained: base of Faygo Rock & Rye with a splash of Old Crow for luck, coarse ground black pepper, hot paprika, a solid belt of Tony Chacere’s Cajun Seasoning, a solid belt of Lea and Perrins, and about 1/3 teaspoon of ground cloves as the official “what the hell” ingredient. I put a bed of chopped onions down in the bottom of the slow cooker, put the meat on top, then poured the marinade over it. I proceeded to watch several hours of TV.

First turn. The dye has soaked into the beef and turned it an unusual, almost Chinese red.

It’s not a roast without a handful of carrots to keep the roast company!

Results: This turned out fucking great. None of the “well, let’s make the most of this” bravado of the Four Loko roast. Faygo and I just did a genuinely good job here. I started it a little late so it wasn’t as tender as I wanted it, but flavor-wise it was totally solid. The cloves worked and matched the spice notes in the soda, and the peeper kept it from being too sweet. I was super proud of this.

Industrial food dye is cool. Note how the fat is still fat-colored, but suspended in reddish marinade.

The onions, however, were more than happy to accept the dye.

So, that was my meaty tribute to ICP and the soda that helps them keep going. May they both thrive.