Tulane Chris' Four Loko Roast!

So… I have a confession to make. Remember several months ago, when Meg and I did our infamous Bum Wine tasting and talked a lot of tall shit about Four Loko, the formerly caffeinated, sugar-and-booze tallboy the kids are so into these days? Well… I may or may not (but definitely HAVE) had a change of heart. I kept taking little sips of other people’s Four Lokos (Fours Loko? Fours Lokos?) so that I could “make sure it was as bad as I remembered.” And what do you know? Just like the D.A.R.E. officer said, sips turned into gulps, and one what-the-hell purchase of the new Green Apple xXx flavor turned into a three-a-week habit. I use them as meal-replacement shakes, like in a crash diet. The results are interesting.

Anyway, you know how you can use soda as the base for a marinade on a roast? The sugar gives the meat that sweet flavor a lot of people like, and the phosphoric acid tenderizes it. So if you can cook meat in soda and in wine, why not in their unholy foster child? So, for 2Birds1Blog’s first, and likely last,


may I present: Porc au quatre loko.

You will need:

A pork roast

A can of Four Loko (I used the Lemon-Lime flavor because the old recipe books I got the soda-marinade idea from recommend Sprite for pork)

A crock pot or other slow cooker (You can do it in the oven but I didn’t want to fuss with “exact temperatures” and so forth)

Some spices n’ shit. I chose from my spice cabinet by smelling the spice, smelling the Four Loko, smelling the spice again, and putting in the spices that didn’t especially clash.
I used paprika, garlic powder, mustard, a little cayenne, curry powder, coarse ground black pepper, and a hearty dose of Tony Chachere’s Cajun Seasoning – the extra spicy kind, which is my default seasoning. I like to throw in a lot of spices, but you could get by with garlic, pepper, and salt. I also threw in some MSG, which you may remember us investigating a while ago. I’m already playing fast and loose with my health and God’s creation, so I might as well go all in.

A pat of butter, more or less for luck

A small glass


Place the roast in the crock pot. This first step is crucial. Pour yourself a small glass of Four Loko to drink as you cook, then pour the rest in around the roast.
Add the spices and stir it all up, coating the roast. If you like it peppery, add the pepper last so the grains are more likely to stick to the roast. Let it sit in the fridge overnight; ideally make the marinade in the early evening then flop the roast over before bed. In the morning, flop the roast again and turn the crock pot on low. Let it cook for several hours: it will get tough, then fall-apart tender.


The most alarming part of all this, so far, is that the Four Loko’s notoriously vivid color leached into the fat on the roast, dyeing the meat a distressing green. This mostly passed after a few hours of roasting. The resulting roast is actually pretty good. It kept some of the sweetness, but most of the Four Loko flavor boiled away, although there is a not completely pleasant aftertaste. It is very tender. I should have used much more pepper and some more Tony’s, but overall it’s not a bad dinner. I may try a darker flavor on a beef roast later, and will keep you posted.


bluemoon said...

While I don't personally enjoy pork roast, this one actually looks not bad in spite of the coloring issues you mention. Also, I enjoyed the photo chronicle of the process. :D I've never had this Four Loko...

Anonymous said...

Even though you clearly stated this was a pork roast, I definitely was thinking beef roast and had an extreme WTF moment when I saw the finished product sitting there all gloriously white on your counter. Too much activity for my brain to process this morning--I hope anyway...

The Kuh said...

I have decided that this post pokes fun at the ELEVENTY BILLION cooking blogs that now exist, where the author fancies him/herself both chef AND a photographer, and feels the need to snap a picture of every. single. step in the process. For example, "Next, mix in the milk," with a damn artsy picture of milk being poured into the bowl, like we couldn't figure out how to pour milk into a bowl without a picture. Wow. I felt much more strongly about that than I knew. *shrug* Anyway, I love this post, for that reason and just because I heart you, Chris, and would love you to be my gay boyfriend. Think about it. *creepy wink*

BF said...

@The Kuh: I like your thinking. Tulane Chris artsy green pork pictures FTW.

Sara said...

This smacks of a post from Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP website.... only soooooo much better! Well done, Chris.

Nicole said...

When I first saw the title "Four Loko Roast!" I thought, oh goody, they are going to get that Four Loko so good (a la David Hasselhoff or Pam Anderson on Comedy Central). What sort of zingers will TC come up with?!? While I still think that would have been a good post, I like the way you went with this. I also liked The Kuh's assessment. Glad you guys are back :)

"Mike" said...

Not gonna lie, this is hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I thought you had long blondish hair TC? I thought we saw that from the lady parts color post, am I on crack?

CourtneyP said...

I'm not sure I can wrap my brain around a green-apple roast ... but it didn't look half bad! I am a big fan of making beer chicken in the crock pot. It's eating and drinking in one step! It's killing 2 birds with 1 stone!

Katie said...


2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I thought you had long blondish hair TC? I thought we saw that from the lady parts color post, am I on crack?

He cut it, that handsome beast.

Miss Sassy Pants said...

Well, that's one way to add 900 calories and about 40 grams of sugar to your dinner. xD

And I love how you went from, talking "a lot of tall shit about Four Loko" (nicely put by the way,) to, "Hmmm, perhaps I will marinade pork with it for dinner."

Clever idea though, definitely made of an excellent post.


Anonymous said...

this is so absolutely ridiculous that it is genius!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

ready enjoyed this post! i think this is the first time I've seen a pic of you and for some reason pictured you way different..you look like a very texan in the best possible way! :)

-- fellow proud texan

Anonymous said...

aww typos!

**really enjoyed this post! i think this is the first time I've seen a pic of you and for some reason pictured you way different..you look like a texan in the best possible way! :)

-- fellow proud texan

Anonymous said...

Thank God you corrected that, fellow proud Texan. I'm a "proud Texan" too and was a little concerned the first comment was going to represent us. haha!

Anonymous said...

Oh My GOD, you guys! Larry Hagman is definitely dead! I'm assuming...
until I hear otherwise...

Lisa said...

He's not dead, he's in Australia!


Anonymous said...

tejas rulessss!

-a 3rd fellow texan

Anonymous said...

Proud Texans? That's disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Yo mama, Mr. Anon 5:24! Zing!

Anonymous said...

Uhhhmmmm Anon 5:24 what is wrong with being a "Proud Texan" or "Proud" anything? Gay, black woman, new yorker...everyone can be proud. You're disgusting.

Anon from 5:24 said...

It was a joke Anon 3:05, relax.

Lex said...

I prefer the Spanish pluralization: Cuatros Lokos.

Also, the sniff of the spice, sniff of the Four Loko description made me laugh out loud in my cube. So thanks!

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