2 Birds Investigates: Bum Wine!

First things first: T.G.I. Hagman!


As of 4:48am, Larry Hagman is...alive!

Now, I have a question for you: Why? Why is it physically impossible for me and Chris to do an investigation that goes smoothly? Like, from start to finish; everything just goes right. We have a plan, we execute the plan, and then it's over. Period. No shenanigans. No embarrassing physical pain. Just a successful investigation. But no, apparently this isn't an option, as evidenced (yet again) this past weekend when Chris and I investigated "bum wine."

First and foremost, I had no god given idea what bum wine was:

Tulane Chris: "It's malt grape wine that's popular among homeless because it's so potent and cheap."

Meg: "Oh. So like a 40?"

TC: "No, that's a 40."

M: "So like that malt beer that comes in the big cans?"

TC: "No, that's malt beer."

Meg: "Wait...so it's wine?"

TC: "Why don't you on hop the Wikipedia, Princess."

So then I spent an embarrassing amount of time researching bum wine (big ups to bumwine.com!), which reminds me of the time Ex Co-Blogger Chris tried to get me to do poppers and we got into a huge fight because I did a project in 10th grade on Sudden Sniffing Death Syndrome and that's how people die, and he said he was pre-med in college so I should just believe him that poppers are harmless and I was like, "UH, BULLCORN," so we spent 20 minutes fighting over the poppers Wikipedia entry until we realized we were fucking losers and watched Hocus Pocus instead. True story.

Once I actually grasped the concept of bum wine, we set out to find some. This task proved significantly harder than we originally anticipated. Considering I couldn't find a liquor store in my neighborhood that sold Andre last New Year's Eve, I assumed trying to find bum wine around these parts would be fruitless, so we headed east towards someplace slightly more..."spicy"Columbia Heights.

Ah, that's more like it.

Well, actually, first we went to Target where I impulse bought a floor lamp because it was on sale and I've been living off candlelight and Hat ever since my old one died, oh, almost two years ago. As exciting as this purchase was (and continues to be!), buying it before we found bum wine turned out to be a horrible, horrible decision on my part. Why? Because we had to go to seven liquor stores before we found one that carried bum wine and that lamp was fucking heavy. I can imagine we were quite a sight: two nerdy white kids hoofin' it up and down 14th street, one hauling a giant lamp on her back, panting ever-so-slightly and muttering a unique array of swears under her breath, going into any and every liquor store all, "Y'ALL GOT MAD DOG? YES? NO? NO? CHRIST!"

At one point we just flat-out gave up and decided to buy scratch-offs in hopes that one of us would win the jackpot and doing the investigation would be a non-issue. Gold Fever, baby!
Shockingly, that plan didn't quite pan out, so it was back to bum wine hunting. Thankfully we found a liquor store that carried bum wine shortly thereafter, so we loaded it into my giant lamp bag, flicked a 10 under the partition, put our monocles on and spun our canes all the way back to my neighborhood to trash our livers in the name of a good investigation, which we proudly present to you now.

2 Birds Investigates: Bum Wine

[Chris asked me to insert an animated gif here because he's quote, "trying to get into animated gifs these days." "O...K. Did you have a particular gif in mind?" "Meh. Dancing banana, I guess."

Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket


How to host a bum wine party:

Step 1: Google "how to host a wine party". Apparently the three key things to notice are color, bouquet (what we bums call smell) and taste. You'll have to wait for the next morning to rate the intensity of the hangover.

Step 2: Take out two fresh glasses and a salad plate of nine peanut M&M's to "cleanse the palette" between "wines".

Step 3: Designate a legal heir.

Step 4: Decide the tasting order of your wines. Generally you want to go from light to dark with a rosé in the middle. However, if all of your wines are the same industrial pink, order them so that you'll be a little drunk by the time you get to the ones you really dread.

Step 5: Remember to set out an extra glass to pour the wine you inevitably can't finish into. Chris and I didn't know the technical term for this, so we just lovingly referred to it as "The Bukkaki Cup".

Step 6: Take half a Xanax, go to your safe space, and begin.

WINE 1: Arbor Mist Peach Chardonnay
For the reckless Mormon divorcée in you!
Color: I appreciate that in our notes, my observation was, "It looks like carbonated urnine," whereas Chris' was, "Like the bright clear yellow of a jaundiced man's eyes." You know it's a good writing partnership when one partner's writing fixates on body fluids and the other's sounds like a haiku.

Bouquet: Like if a peach had little Chardonnay barfs down the front of its blouse.

Taste: Image you're a baby bird and mama bird comes to regurgitate breakfast for you, but instead she regurgitates a sorority initiation party and a bag of CVS Peach-Os and then pecks you to death.

WINE 2: Manishevitz Cream White Concord
The Eleventh Plague
Color: It looks like urine. We're not even trying to be funny; it just genuinley looks like human urine. Like you could take it to the doctor, hand it to a nurse and the test would show: You are comprised of 100% Diabetes, but this is definetley urine.
Bouquet: Ooof. Sniffing this got me in a way. It smells exactly like a Bath & Body Works body splash I wore in middle school. It was the crucial third leg of the Meg McBlogger middle school fashion triangle:

Taste: 6,000 years of unbroken tradition, but their wine still tastes like simple syrup and Old Spice.

WINE 3: Mad Dog Banana Red
"Take me down to the Pradise City where the bananas are red and the girls are throwing up into the gutter"







Red is nature's way of saying, "DANGER!"

Smell: Meg: "This smells like nail polish remover and banana Laffy Taffy."

Chris: "Frankly, that may be what it is."

Taste: My favorite conversation of the evening occrued directly after tasting this:


Meg: "No..."

Chris: [100% defeated] "Oh. Well. Nevermind."

This, in my opinion, was the worst out of them all. It just tasted like straight-up chemicals. Like a ration of Soviet People's Holiday Drink that got left behind in a Ukranian missle silo. So much so, we successfully used it clean Thai food drippings off my coffee table and grime off my bathroom sink:




It left a streak-free shinepresumably on our stomachs as well.

WINE 4: Wild Irish Rose Red
Chris told you Ireland was the Third World
Color: It was the closest out of them all to being a real food color. It was less DANGER! and more PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION!

Bouquet: Sweet like a first kissassuming your first kiss was with a truck stop hooker low on cash, but high on dreams and Newport Lights.

Taste: At first it just tastes incredibly sweet and you're like, "Well this isn't that bad." And then it tastes exactly like a licking a shag carpet.

WINE 5: Four Loko Watermelon

[Note: Chris and I had no idea what we were getting oursrelves into with this one. We were at our 780th liquor store of the evening and needed one more wine or wine product to round out the tasting. In desperation, we went to the cooler to get a canned beverage and chose Four Loko simply because it was at eye level. The next morning, we got an email from a reader asking us if we'd heard of this new Four Loko craze and since then it seems to have exploded onto the National stage like a pink, caffeinated Christine O'Donnell. We really appreciate being 24 hours ahead of this trend because we were the kids growing up who were 24 months late on things like pogs, Airwalks and Mayim Bialik.

Here's what we were getting into:

Color: I was originally offended when Chris said this, but the best way to describe it really is as, "Hello Kitty's pussy."

Bouquet: It smells like if Jolly Ranchers had night sweats.

Taste: Chris and I were like the opening credits to Patty Duke when tasting this one: they walk alike; they talk alike; at times they even recoil alikewhat a crazy pair! The taste wasn't that bad, but then all of a sudden there's a sleeper taste; like a fizzy, sour burn in the back of your throat that hit us at exactly the same time. You will never know how beatiful that moment was. It was like:

WINE 6: The Bukkuke Cup
"I'm not drunk! I'll prove itI'll drink from the Bukkake Cup!"
Color: The Devil is a woman. And she's raggin'.

Bouquet: If you take a deep breath and look in the mirror, you'll see how you're going to die.

Taste: You know what it tasted like? Exactly what it was.

WINE 7: Garnier Full Control Hairspray: All Day Flexible Hold, and a paper bag
7,500 brain damaged teenagers can't be wrong
Color: Misty.

Bouquet: You can really smell the Fruit Micro-Waxes!

Taste: Headache. Dizzy. Really made us wonder how latchkey kids do it.



Have a great weekend, guys! Lerve!


Unknown said...

Oh my god. I died.

raquel said...

Best 2B1B investigates ever!!!

Anonymous said...

oh em gee. that's pretty much all i got. just wow.

you never fail to entertain and i thank you for that.

na said...

I don't fuck with four loko..aka.."blackout in a can" anymore. ONE AND DONE.

7 said...

Jesus, learn how to spell bukkake for fuck's sake.

Blake said...

Meg, How on God's green Earth did you make it through AU without multiple trips to Tenley Mini-Mart for Mad Dog? Impossible I say!

The "Banana Red" flavor led to many a circular conversations about what flavor "red" was. If you really wanted to spice up the investigation you would have also tried "Key Lime Pie" for the neon green goodness inside.

BF said...

UH-Mazing. Well done.

Although like the other commenter, I don't know how you made it through Freshman year of any college without tasting Mad Dog. I may still have a headache.

Stephanie said...

this is pretty much one of my favorite posts ever. I can't even pick a favorite line!!! But all of the "bouquet" parts made me die. Holy crap, y'all are funny.

Anonymous said...

Once played quarters with the grape flavored Mad Dog...I was a freshman, I had no idea THAT MUCH WINE would be THAT BAD AN IDEA. My liver hasn't been the same since.

Also, there was a song and response song about Mad Dog in the greek circles of my college. I sing it everytime my boyfriend tries to bring a bottle home. He once asked me why I'm so repulsed by the stuff, and my response was "It looks, smells, and tastes like drunk and hungover".

You are wonderful.

Ellie said...

Best post ever! Thanks Meg! Four Loko gets my night going. It seldom ends well...

kevin said...

Just a little fyi..a truck stop whore, is also known as a lot lizard...look up the song, lizzy the lot lizard...its amazing

Susan said...

i MUST try this four loko of which i've heard so much. no one really ever describes it, or what it does to you. they usually just say something along the lines of: "four loko, ohhhhhhhhshit"

Anonymous said...

You have crawled out from the valley of the shadow of death! I spent 10 minutes stifling laughter at my desk. So much so that my confused Taiwanese officemate legitimately thought I was crying. Get. It. Girl.

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. EVER.

Amanda Y. said...

is it bad that upon reading the title of this blog post i immediately thought it would be wine made from one's bum but still read on and did not question it at all?

Sarah said...

There is some crazy calypso music playing in the coffee shop where I'm reading this, and that coupled with the animated .gif of a dancing banana was sheer perfection.

keck said...

your number one mistake was not picking lemonade as your Four Loko flavor of choice. Nectar of the gods, if they were into malt liquor and poor choices.

rebecca said...

Oh my God, when I saw the Mad Dog, I literally said out loud, "not the Mad Dog, Meg".

One of my bartender friends let me have a little, and the first thing I thought was, this smells like Turpentine. Long story short, that shit is gross. I dont csre how cheap it is. Kudos to you for drinking more of it than I did.

sarah said...

oh my god. FOUR LOKO. one can and you are guaranteed to blackout. GUARANTEED. they're trying to ban it like everywhere now it seems. everyone at my college has stocked up....yikes.

but wait also, can someone explain to me the garnier and paper bag thing at the end? i must be out of the loop on something......

thanks! and fab post you guys!!!

Anonymous said...

I loved every minute of this, and will now pray for your livers.

Unknown said...

I LOVE bumwine.com! I found that site 2 years ago and have since had a few bum wine "tastings". Did you see the HompCo Cisco experiment? http://www.hompco.com/science/the-cisco-experiment-part-1/.

I highly recommend Cisco for the next 2birds1blog investigates! The whole "it takes you by surprise" thing is so true.

Anonymous said...

is queer abby coming back on monday? i could use a dose of despair followed by sound advice....

Anonymous said...

I heart this 2bs1b investigation! There are so many layers of amazing it is hard to pick my favorite part. Please know you have brightened this meghan's seemingly endless Friday morning!

Anonymous said...

I almost skipped the rest of the post just to add a comment after your first mention of Mad dog, but the I got distracted by the dancing bananas and was sucked back in. MD was a staple of our college life. If you didn't have the $3.50 to split a bottle of Fleischmann's vodka with someone, you forked out the $2 for a MD. Oh college...

That, or Boones Farm (which may just be a WI thing, but that stuff's frickin nasty).

Anonymous said...

So I just posted that comment mentioning Boones Farm, and thought to myself "I wonder if that really is just a WI thing...?" So I looked it up and this is what Wikipedia has to say:

"...often located in the cold box area of convenience stores across the inner cities of the United States."

So apparently not WI, just straight up ghetto.

Andrea said...

"For the reckless Mormon divorcée in you!"

Omg, I almost died when I read this because it is ridiculously true.

I am a reckless Mormon divorcée.

That was just awesome.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I highly recommend Cisco for the next 2birds1blog investigates!
We couldn't find it!

is queer abby coming back on monday? i could use a dose of despair followed by sound advice....

Karl said...

You had to go to how many stores in Columbia Heights to get this shit? I would have thought the fellas at 14th and Monroe would have done you right. The neighborhood is changing.

Emy said...

oh my god, they just banned four lokos in oklahoma (where i go to school) and i don't know how i'll get blackout drunk anymore. I'm glad you got to experience it.

and i agree, best 2b1b investigates so far!!!

Anonymous said...

if maryland bans four loko i'm straight up quitting my job and moving somewhere else.

CVilleFieldNotes said...

Love LOVE the 2B1B investigates! Thank you for suffering from what I'm sure was a world-class hangover solely to make my workday Friday better!!

Anonymous said...

A big thanks to THE Ohio State University for Four Loko! O-H!

Anonymous said...

At Boone's Farm Anonymous...I'm from South Carolina and we had a mixer where all we served was Boone's Farm...and the fraternity supplied legit farm animals. Heavy puking and fun times for all. Ahhh, memories.

Anonymous said...

"Blackout in a can" banned in Michigan:


n8rlvr said...

I was so inspired by your reviews, I ran out immediately & bought two cases of Four Loko. On my third can right now. The video is right on. Drinking this makes me look cool. Yo.

Monica Keirn said...

"Jolly rancher with night sweats."


How was the hangover?

Rachel said...

ever since I saw that girl on "True Life: I'm an alcoholic" chugging windex-esque liquid, I've wanted to try Mad Dog.

Well done sir and madam, well done indeed.

NotablyNeurotic said...

It's like you summed up my freshman year drinking habits in one post!

Loved it!

Denise said...

Gooooo, I've been MIA for a long time but your blog still brought me to hilarious tears. Hilarious.

Caitlin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Though posts equally funny to "Bros and White Caps: An Essay" have been few (That blog post was probably almost my favorite post EVER...in the history of the internet), this one comes very close. Glad you finally got on the Four Loko train. Your blog is amazing.

Anonymous said...

I miss your awesome Jersey shore recaps... you should totally consider watching "The A-List" on Logo... so much queen drama!

Malisams said...

"Like if a peach had little Chardonnay barfs down the front of its blouse."


Beautiful Mingles said...

what is the four loko of which i've heard so much. no one really ever describes it.
What every one is commenting here.It is pure thrash and nothing to the point or to the subject.

Abo said...

I love this investigation, particularly step three. However, you cannot designate a legal heir b/c heirs are solely determined by intestacy statutes. What you should have said was "Step 3: Draft and execute a will," but I digress.

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