Tulane Chris' "Home for Thanksgiving" Drinking Game

[Editor's Note: I'd just like it to be known that I briefly considered posting the last scene of American History X today before Chris' drinking game to, you know, keep Monday and Tuesday's spice going. And to be an asshole. Mostly to be an asshole. But I decided not to! So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm thankful for me, too. Proceed, Chris.]

- for every fifteen pounds your high school friends gained, on the aggregate 

- every time the conversation between relatives lags, and is then punctuated by a loud upbeat sigh: “Yeah, the… Chargers… playoff. AAAAaaaah.”

- every time someone ritually pretends to consider refusing more food

- when something’s Not Right, as in “Did you put rosemary in the dressing? I know this is hard for you to understand, because of your learning disability – what’s it called again? Alcoholism? – but in this country…”

- something is Not Right to the max, as in last Thanksgiving when Giant Camel and Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie put the whole berry and the jellied cranberry sauce together in the saucepan and melted it, then looked at me like I was from space when I told them they were a bunch of drugged out Communists and ran to the store so I could have cold tubular jellied cranberry sauce like a human being from America

- something fails disastrously, as in three Thanksgivings ago when my mother and I tried to make organic zesty cranberry-sage weight-smart relish that we found in Prevention magazine (yes) and ultimately had to order pizza

- if there’s a festive centerpiece. Drink twice if it incorporates a cornucopia. Drink thrice if someone puts it on his head in an attempt to be wacky.

- at that awkward moment when half the family starts to tuck in and someone has to start the blessing at a shout to be heard over the crunch of gristle and the sloonk of cranberry sauce

- if you have to set aside a “special” dish for someone with a dietary restriction

- if they bitch anyway

- when your teenage cousin in his idealistic phase tries to get a discussion going about actual native-colonist relations

- for every muffled “Oh, God,” the above provokes

- if the Thanksgiving PiƱata makes an appearance

- when you have to go around the table and say what you’re thankful for

- when someone says something WILDLY inappropriate during the previous, as when we did it in my freshman Intro to Theatre Arts class in high school and one kid was “thankful for his multiple personalities.” (He was totally my lab partner in chemistry and we got In Trouble because he lost our strip of magnesium we needed for an experiment.)

- if someone at work asks you “if Jews celebrate Thanksgiving.” Twice if you’re not Jewish. Three times if you have the presence of mind to pretend to be Jewish, make up a holiday, and take the rest of the day off.

- While making a hand turkey

- Because the Saints will have an easy win over the Cowboys, which they badly need, and I have $25 on them

- When you have this conversation:

“How’s work?”

“Well, I got fired from the ____ and now I sell ____ at intersections.”

“Oh. I guess you meet a lot of interesting people?”

“No, mostly teenagers throwing Mountain Dew cans at my head and people trying to pay me in Chick tracts.”

“Well, are you seeing anybody?”

“Sigurd went back to Iceland. He said he’d rather die of sealpox than spend another fifteen minutes watching my central nervous system lose the fight against a diet of Pop-tarts and Taaka. I think he stole my iPod.”


“Ate each other.” 

This year, I’m thankful for our readers, especially those of you email me greyhound racing tips and graphic pornography. And as for the man who sends me graphic racing tips and greyhound pornography – I’m grateful for you too, but in a different way. 


Anonymous said...

In response to the Jewish/Thanksgiving rule: my (Jewish) boyfriend and I are doing the dinner at one family/dessert at the other's family for the first time this year. My little brother's response to this plan? "I didn't think Jewish people celebrated Thanksgiving." I should also mention that he's SEVENTEEN, and that my parents only reaction to this was to slowly shake their heads and walk out of the room.

Anonymous said...

^that's ok, on TMZ this morning they asked Bristol Palin what her take is on the Vatican approving some use of condoms. Her response was "what's a vatican?"

Anonymous said...

"slonnk of cranberry sauce" - huh?? what??

Jen said...

Uhhhh da Boys are back, so you are about to be out 25 bucks, Tulane.

I thought you were from Texas? You're a disgrace.

(I still love you, though....I just need to be disappointed for 3 minutes)


Anonymous said...

This post made not making it home for Thanksgiving a little easier, and having a "pizza party" with my grandma, my cousin who used to think he was a vampire, and his savant son seem a little less ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

Happy T-day everyone!
I'm thankful for 2b1b for helping me thru nursing school, some days it's the only thing I smile/laugh about!

(DRINK, beeeatches! hahahahaha)

Julia said...

One of my fave TC posts ever!

Anonymous said...

Bahahahaha I love you so much. Tomorrow is my first Thanksgiving away from home and I'm pretty sure it's going to consist of me, my roommate, my boyfriend, and our Canadian friend getting drunk and burning the house down while trying to roast a turkey.

Susan said...

ZOMFG. canned cranberry sauce is THE ONLY KIND THERE IS. my family may or may not whip up three+ kinds per year to accommodate needs.

needs: we got 'em.

Caitlin said...

Well, it may not have been an EASY win, but at least the Saints won. After giving the entire state of Louisiana a heart attack. And Lance Moore has my heart the way Garrett Hartley has yours. :)

The Real Post Grad said...

I think you should also add something about drinking every time a family member mentions that your degree is doing you no good.

Meredith said...

For such a brief post, I laughed (cackled) out loud to myself an awful lot. "Like a human being in America." BAHAHAHAHAHA. Still laughing.

Also, enjoy your $25 as the Cowboys once again smelled the pungent burn of defeat. Go Skins.

Stephanie said...

UM, totally with you on the cranberry sauce!! you made me lol. Also WHO DAT. Thank goodness he missed that kick, I'm not sure I could have handled overtime.

Anonymous said...

I think the only thing missing is "anytime you are asked to lead or join in on the Grace prayer and you don't know the words."

mightystudent.com said...

This post created not creating it house for Xmas a little simpler, I didn't think Judaism individuals popular Xmas I think you should also add something about taking whenever a buddy represents that your level is doing you no excellent.

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