Ah, Fourth of July weekend: drunk and full of patriotism. Show me someone who doesn't love Fourth of July weekend and I will show you a terrorist.
Early stages of Bronchitis be damned, I will be going to Philadelphia this weekend to visit Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie and Tulane Chris. And we are going to party—American style! We're going to run up the Philadelphia Museum of Art steps and Eddie is going to play the Rocky theme on the kazoo! And we're going to streak through empty UPenn dorm halls! And we're going to finger the Liberty Bell's crack because that's quite possibly the funniest thing I can think of! All things American. All things involving alcohol. All things I can't wait for.
Guess what else we'll be doing! We'll be playing this week's drinking game—The Fourth of July Drinking Game!
(That image doesn't really have anything to do with the Fourth of July per se, but I think I love it more than I love any living human being. So there it shall stay.)
Rules: Drink When: - Somebody refers to the Fourth of July as "America's Birthday" or wishes America a happy birthday - For every piece of shamelessly star-spangled clothing you see (drink twice if it's from Old Navy) - For every hot dog you eat - For every sparkler you light - 9/11 is mentioned - Uncle Rod has a 'Nam flashback at the fireworks show - The Bill Pullman rally speech from Independence Day is quoted - "Now that Obama is in office, I can finally say I'm proud to be an American" (or some variation of) - Fireworks? Is that too easy? No. No, it's not. - MINI FLAGSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
OK, now I'm going to tell a story about mini flags. That was a rough transition. I'm not going to lie, I've been drinking all night and just took a lot of cough medicine. I'm not really at the height of my game right now. Where was I? MINI FLAGS. Yes. So at school the day after 9/11, we were all gathered into the theater/multi-purpose room to watch a televised National Five Minutes of Silence. During the broadcast, they showed people at different locations across the country observing the five minutes of silence. At one point, they slowly panned in on this guy who had a mini flag shoved in the back of his shirt, resting on his left shoulder. The guy was all deep in thought, clearly having a meaningful moment, but then quickly jerked his head to the left and blatantly poked himself in the eye with the mini flag. It was one of those stupid things that's funny, but not that funny. But then I realized my friend Ali sitting next to me saw it and was trying not to laugh, which made it that much more funnier to me. So then I was trying not to laugh, which was making Ali have to laugh, which was making me have to laugh, and it was a big fucking mess. Because we knew that we could not laugh because sweet god, it was the National 9/11 Five Minutes of Silence. Which of course made it even harder not to laugh. And honestly, five minutes is a really fucking long time when you're bruising internal organs you're trying so hard not to laugh. We couldn't do it, you guys. We laughed. We laughed during the National 9/11 Five Minutes of Silence. It was so embarrassing. But we weren't laughing at 9/11, we were laughing at the A-fuck who poked himself in the eye with his mini flag on National TV. It was so shameful. Anyway, to this day when I see mini American flags, that's all I can think about.
OK, well I'm a horrible person and now you all know. I hope you guys have a great weekend though! Thank you so much for reading, telling your friends, facebooking, Twittering and all that jazz. Next week we'll have another Meghan McCain rant, the answer to what happened when my boss took me on a mysterious joyride and other such shenanigans, so check back Monday! Kthnxbye!
Ah, Fourth of July weekend: drunk and full of patriotism. Show me someone who doesn't love Fourth of July weekend and I will show you a terrorist.
Early stages of Bronchitis be damned, I will be going to Philadelphia this weekend to visit Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie and Tulane Chris. And we are going to party—American style! We're going to run up the Philadelphia Museum of Art steps and Eddie is going to play the Rocky theme on the kazoo! And we're going to streak through empty UPenn dorm halls! And we're going to finger the Liberty Bell's crack because that's quite possibly the funniest thing I can think of! All things American. All things involving alcohol. All things I can't wait for.
Guess what else we'll be doing! We'll be playing this week's drinking game—The Fourth of July Drinking Game!
(That image doesn't really have anything to do with the Fourth of July per se, but I think I love it more than I love any living human being. So there it shall stay.)
Rules: Drink When: - Somebody refers to the Fourth of July as "America's Birthday" or wishes America a happy birthday - For every piece of shamelessly star-spangled clothing you see (drink twice if it's from Old Navy) - For every hot dog you eat - For every sparkler you light - 9/11 is mentioned - Uncle Rod has a 'Nam flashback at the fireworks show - The Bill Pullman rally speech from Independence Day is quoted - "Now that Obama is in office, I can finally say I'm proud to be an American" (or some variation of) - Fireworks? Is that too easy? No. No, it's not. - MINI FLAGSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
OK, now I'm going to tell a story about mini flags. That was a rough transition. I'm not going to lie, I've been drinking all night and just took a lot of cough medicine. I'm not really at the height of my game right now. Where was I? MINI FLAGS. Yes. So at school the day after 9/11, we were all gathered into our school's theater/multi-purpose room to watch a televised National Five Minutes of Silence. During the broadcast, they showed people at different locations across the country observing the five minutes of silence. At one point, they slowly panned in on this guy who had a mini flag shoved in the back of his shirt, resting on his left shoulder. The guy was all deep in thought, clearly having a meaningful moment, but then quickly jerked his head to the left and blatantly poked himself in the eye with the mini flag. It was one of those stupid things that's funny, but not that funny. But then I realized my friend Ali sitting next to me saw it and was trying not to laugh, which made it that much more funnier to me. So then I was trying not to laugh, which was making Ali have to laugh, which was making me have to laugh, and it was a big fucking mess. Because we knew that we could not laugh because sweet god, it was the National 9/11 Five Minutes of Silence. Which of course made it even harder not to laugh. And honestly, five minutes is a really fucking long time when you're bruising internal organs you're trying so hard not to laugh. We couldn't do it, you guys. We laughed. We laughed during the National 9/11 Five Minutes of Silence. It was so embarrassing. But we weren't laughing at 9/11, we were laughing at the A-fuck who poked himself in the eye with his mini flag on National TV! It was so shameful. Anyway, to this day when I see mini American flags, that's all I can think about.
OK, well I'm a horrible person and now you all know. I hope you guys have a great weekend though! Thank you so much for reading, telling your friends, facebooking, Twittering and all that jazz. Next week we'll have another Meghan McCain rant, the answer to what happened when my boss took me on a mysterious joyride and other such shenanigans, so check back Monday! Kthnxbye!
If I could marry an inanimate object, I would marry this empty carton of wine flavored Black & Milds. Just the fact that Black & Milds come in wine flavor makes me so genuinely happy to be alive. I just wanna come home from a long day at the office, pop in a João Gilberto CD, slip into something more comfortable and pour myself a nice tall glass of wine flavored Black & Mild.
I especially like how "wine" is on a golden scroll in a fancy italicized font to really drive home the point that these aren't just any Black & Milds—they're wineflavored. It's just so god damn perfect. It's like drinking a gold flavored 40. If I were to redesign the packaging, the only thing I would do is stick a marble column and a cherub somewhere on there. Besides that; aces.
Item #2:
My friend Lara found this "Super Kegel" at a Salvation Army in York Pennsylvania. I caught crabs immediately after looking at it.
Now, I understand that we're in a recession and times are tough. Lord knows I pinch pennies when I can: I buy generic brand at the grocery store; I drink significantly less when I go out (L0LZ! That's a lie and we both know it); I haven't been shopping in decades! It pains me, but I understand that when times are tough, sacrifices have to be made. That being said, there are just some things that I am not willing to buy at a discount. Anything that goes near my genitals happens to be one of them.
First of all, is a kegel device really necessary? I understand the value of a tight hey HEY hey, but buying a kegel exerciser seems somewhat frivolous. And I did some research—it's not inexpensive:
22-29 fucking dollars?? Do you know how much Nati Boh and Kashi you can buy with that? A lot. Recessionomics: act like you shoved your savings up your twat and squeeze tight.
Now let's say you just really, really need a kegel exerciser for whatever reason. I guess there's some merit in buying it for cheaps at the Salvation Army...but really? Look at it. It looks like it's been on that shelf since 1988. And look how the top is just ever so slightly ajar. You know punk kids have been shoving it between their legs and taking pictures with it since the Ford administration. There are just some things I don't want between my legs. A 10 cent kegel device from the Salvation Army is one of them. A wine flavored Black & Mild, is not. HI-OHHHH!
Posts
