Recrap Tuesdays!

The City
Episode 4: Recapped by Chris

This week on The City, Whitney learns a new word (“Socials? Is that like socialites?”), gets to bask in the presence of DVF herself (best exchange in this entire series: Whitney to DVF: “you look so pretty!” DVF, bemusedly: “No I don’t…”) and finally defines the relationship with Jay. And unfortunately, that’s about all she wrote.

In other not so important news, Whitney meets a new co-worker, Chris, at the Wonderwoman event who boldly asks her out to lunch. She accepts, and they have an awkward conversation, during which he hardly blinks until Whit is so weirded out she asks for the check.

Hardly newsworthy and definitely should not make anyone jealous. But somehow Whit dropping this casually into conversation with Jay incites a meltdown in our Aussie hipster, which leads him to ask her to be his girlfriend. Do people do that anymore? Seriously, this is like a step away from passing her this note:

Will you be my girlfriend? Circle one:

Yes No

And I find it hard to believe that Bro-Talk with Adam and Jay at Il Bastardo of all places would have led Jay to make the decision to wife Whitney. But Jay decides to surprise Whitney with wine and the promise of an actual relationship.

While Whitney and Jay are blissfully holding hands on the swingset, Erin and Duncan are…backsliding? I’m confused, didn’t you just say I love you? And now when he wants to be with you more, so you freak out? Erin and Duncan are trying to decide if being around each other more is a good idea, because that makes sense.

I’m going to end this recap with a short haiku to our dear Heidi Waldorf:

Please act like a bitch.

Would it kill you to meddle?

Your fake smile sucks.

Bromance
Episode 3: Who's Got Game?

This episode of Bromance begins with Lauren Conrad interviewing the Bros, game show style.

The goal of the interview is to see what kind of Game each Bro brings to the table, because Brody needs a good wingman. LC asks a bunch of lame questions like "Describe your ultimate first date" and "How would you approach me at a club if I already have a drink in my hand?" Luke delivers a surprisingly high-larious cheesy pick up line: "Hey do you wanna go halfsies?...On a baby?" If a guy asked me that, I'd be unzipped in under a half a second. That's just amazing. I'm not even mad.

Next best question and answer:
LC: "Gary, if you were an animal, what would you be and why?"
Gary, aka Pip from Lord of the Rings: "I'd be an elephant. Designed and ridden by Kings." ::Immediately looks like he regrets that answer, a lot::

LC chooses Alex as the winner because "he seems chill." He wins an awkward conversation on the roof with LC and Brody. Yay...?

Next there is a delightfully staged scene where Brody is soaping up in his glass shower (meow,) when Franky and Sleazy-T walk in and proceed to have a full-blown conversation with him as he showers. I want to call out this scene for being gay, but let's not lie, when Chris and I lived together it wasn't uncommon for one of us to take a seat on the John and have a heart-to-heart with the other in the shower. Showering is boring. Your friends are entertaining. I get you Brody. I get you more than I care to...

Next, each Bro designs an activity for the group to do which showcases their personalities. Luke designs a mini-golf course; Jered designs the world's most dangerous slip-and-slide; Alex has a jam-session on the guitar with Brody on the drums (during which Femi freestyles and rhymes "party" with "Bacardi" and pours a solo cup of Pepsi on the hardwood floor for his fallen homies); Gary teaches the gang a dance routine which Brody describes as some "Napoleon Dynamite shit;" Token-Asian-Nerd Chris F. does a stand-up comedy routine which makes me want to crawl out of my skin and fly away. The Bros heckle him. He cries. The Bros (except for Femi) feel bad and try to cheer him up and it's a tender and touching moment. A BrOprah moment, if you will; Femi holds a session on personal style. He mostly just rants and raves about personal grooming and it's all very uncomfortable and non-nonsensical. I believe at one point he quotes Arnold Schwarzenegger as saying "When I go to the gym, it's like coming for me."

Femi then drops the bomb that he's going to get a tattoo and in walks a tattoo artist to set up shop. But mind you Femi is not just getting any tattoo, he's getting the exact same tattoo Brody has ("Jenner," Brody's last name), on the exact spot that Brody has his (left side, ribs). There's a distinct Single White Female vibe looming at this point. Come on Femi, did you learn nothing from Heather on season one of Rock of Love? Getting the name of the person whose affection you're trying to win on a reality TV show will not necessarily save you from elimination. And when people see JENNER tattooed along your ribs in giant letters, odds are they won't assume you're Brody's BFF, but rather that you're super homogay for the '80's Olympic Decathalon winner.

My thoughts exactly, Bruce.

Femi goes through with the tattoo and I think Brody gets too weirded and actually leaves the house mid-tattoo. The Bros call out Femi for copying Brody's tattoo after he just gave them an uncomfortable lecture on individual style. Femi tries to stand up for himself and all of a sudden he's shouting like a lunatic about being questioned by the cops for 12 hours when his "homey" got shot in the back. What? Did I black out? How did we get here? Whatever Femi is taking, I want a lot of it. Because he's like a walking amusement park. Later he says he doesn't regret his decision to get the tattoo because he wants to go out with a bang. That seems like a poor choice of words after his bizarre "Mah Homey Got Shot!" speech.

Later that night at elimination, Boston Kid says he's so nervous that he "has a dump poking out of his drawers." This reminds me of something Talia would say, and I mean that in the most endearing way ever. Why do Brody Jenner and I live parallel Bro/gay Bro in a Girl's Body lives? I can't decide how I feel about this...In the end Alex goes home. I'm not entirely sure why, I'm just glad it wasn't Pip. This episode of Bromance redeemed it'self from the suckery of last week's episode, hands down.

How do I ask this gently?

So the other day I'm sitting on the couch when all of a sudden I hear a loud shriek coming from the bathroom, where the BF was, you know, doing what you do in the bathroom. I hear water running, I hear muttering, I hear flushing, I hear more muttering.

“I got poo water on my hand” he said, as he came out looking slightly shaken up.

Um, excuse me? Turns out the BF was finishing up when his hand accidentally dipped in the water in the toilet. Not knowing how/why one’s hand even gets that close to toilet water in the first place I had to ask for further explanation. Apparently, while wiping, his hand touched the toilet water since he's tall and our toilet is short and gee he wishes we could get a taller toilet bowl … Yeah, he lost me at “while wiping.”

“Soooo …. You wipe sitting down?” I asked, horrified.

“Uh YEAH, don’t you?” he replied, equally horrified.

So not to tell you too much about myself (too late) but I most certainly do NOT wipe sitting down and the mere fact that some people do has turned my world upside down. The sky is blue, water is wet, and people wipe standing up – this is how it is and how it shall always remain? Yes??

I would think that the threat of dipping one’s hand in toilet water is the most obvious reason not to wipe sitting down. Gross – I don’t want my hand that close to what’s in there. Not to mention leverage – it’s kinda hard to wipe front to back when your back is, you know, way back. PLUS there’s the threat of getting “poo water” as the BF so descriptively called it on your hand – did I mention that one already? Poo water?

But now that this whole new world has been opened up to me I'm beginning to see subtle signs of the “Down Wipers” everywhere. For instance – my office has automatically flushing toilets. It senses your sitting – it does not flush. It sense you have stood up – it flushes. This has always flummoxed me as an “Up Wiper.” Just cause I'm standing up doesn’t mean I'm done! This show’s only at intermission my friend. What inevitably happens is the toilet flushes mid wipe so I am forced to toss the paper into the bowl then lean over, putting my hand over the sensor so it thinks “Oh! She sat back down again” and then remove my hand so that if flushes, careful to IMMEDIATELY remove my face from the vicinity of the toilet so I don’t get poo water on my face. Dude.

You know the only time I wipe sitting down? When I'm at a house party with my girlfriends and we all cram into the bathroom together and take turns going. I wipe sitting down in that instance so I don’t flash me wiping my crotch to all my friends. Sure I’ll bet we’ve seen crotch every now and then but wiping crotch? Disgusting. And I’ll never forgot the steamy humidity inside that toilet bowl as I wiped as carefully as I could without making a southbound detour into the golden pond. Dude.

I need to know, dear readers, I need to know what in the hell is going on here. Do you wipe sitting or standing? Is there a method to your madness? Have you ever gotten poo water on your hand? We here at 2B1B are dying to know. An unofficial survey is being taken with the hopes of settling this Down Wiper/Up Wiper thing in the near future. Please advise.

Drinking Game Friday/Where Are They Now?

Happy Drinking Game Friday everyone!

So was I the only one was thinking about the movie First Kid during this week's whole Obama Girls First Day of School brouhaha? Poor things. Specifically Malia. The only thing I can think of that's more traumatizing than going to middle school is going to middle school as the new kid. Shit, I want to pop a few Xanax and ask my mom to home school me just thinking about it.

At the bar the other day, Andrew and I were discussing how the Sidwell Friends kids will treat the Obama Girls. Andrew seems to think they'll gain instant popularity because their dad is the new Santa Claus and Jesus combined. Also according to him there's actually little bullying at Quaker schools. I want to take his word for it (because he's Quaker and attended a Quaker school,) but being a First Kid aficionado, I can't help but think Malia and Sasha are toast.

If we follow the model set by my all-time favorite Sinbad movie, the Obama Girls will be total outcasts and get in a fistfight with Zachery Ty Bryan at school. They'll develop a crush on a cute girl, but not be able to woo her due to their outcast status. It is on the Internet in a snake chat room that they shall find solace, im-ing with like-minded, anti-social reptile tweens. But it is their goofy and unconventional Secret Service agent/ex-boxer Sam Simms who takes them under his wing and teaches them to throw a punch, bust a move on the dance floor and love a lady. Trouble starts to brew when Barack Obama will forbid Sasha and Malia to go to the school dance, but Sinbad will sneak them out anyway, cuz he's cool like that. Obama will fire Sinbad and the girls will run away to meet a creepy Internet predator at the mall. As the Obama girls are being abducted by said predator, Sinbad will rush in and save the day. The end.

So all this First Kid talk got me to thinking, where the hell is Brock Pierce aka the First Kid these days? I worked The Google and found out the horrible and disturbing answer. I quote a 2003 NY Post article:

"The founders of flopcom Digital Entertainment Network (DEN) are still languishing in a Spanish jail, and investigators in the US are stepping up efforts to bring them home to face sex offence charges.

DEN co-founders Marc Collins-Rector, Chad Shackley and Brock Pierce were arrested in June on an international warrant after being indicted in New Jersey on five counts of transporting a minor across state lines for the purpose of engaging in sexual acts.

The company raised $75m through an Initial Public Offer, but collapsed as allegations of its founders' conduct hit the media. DEN's assets were sold at auction for $105,000 this summer.

The men fled to Spain where they were arrested by Spanish police who found "enormous amounts of child porn" at their villa.

All three are likely to face Spanish charges, but US police have stated that Spain will let the US charge them first."

Oh. That's where he's been. In a Spanish jail cell for raping little boys. Wow. I sort of wished I had never asked...Where was Sinbad and his life lessons when that shit went down?

...Probably playing The First Kid Drinking Game!


Rules
Drink When:
- Luke runs away from/hides/plays a prank on Agent Simms
- Wilkes reprimands Simms
- Zachery Ty Bryan punches Luke
- Luke punches Zachery Ty Bryan
- There's a boxing training montage
- Agent Simms asks when he can protect the President again
- Sinbad says "we need some WPGC up in here!" during the hip-hop dance lesson
- Agent Simms flirts with Luke's teacher
- Luke reads his instant messages out loud as he types them, because that's normal
- Sinbad roller skates in a giant pizza-and-coke costume because it was L0LZ in 1996 and it's still L0LZ in 2009

As always, have a great weekend and thanks for reading! See you back in the office Monday morning!

An Annotated Anthology of Awkward

One of my defining characteristics has always been that I'm "charmingly awkward." Charmingly awkward just means that means I've come to terms with the fact that I'm awkward and frequently find myself in awkward situations, but said awkwardness doesn't interfere with being able to function in society on a daily basis (for the most part). Well, tonight I was feeling a bit nostalgic and decided to read the LiveJournal I kept in college. I thought my emo little Internet journal would be full of rich and compelling entries about growing up, finding myself, discovering what I wanted to do with my life and the like. Instead, my journal is basically an anthology of awkwardness. I feel like at least 70% of my entries end with one of the following: "God I'm so awkward," "God my life is awkward," or "I am so painfully awkward."

Here are some choice excerpts:

• In college writing this morning we had a round table discussion that I was not having. Instead I decided to fantasize about watching Golden Girls and eating a delicious bagel with Helena, Caitlin and Allie after class...because the only reason I go to college writing is to get a bagel on the way back. Anyways, apparently I was thinking about how sweet my bagel would be when people started counting off 1 through 5 as a means of assigning groups for some activity we had to do. So then all of a sudden I'm hearing "1,2,3,4" and then everyone is looking at me and I had to be like "uhhh...how high are we counting here?" and my professor was like ".....5. You are 5." God I'm awkward.

• Yesterday I had a total Tommy Boy moment. I got out of Religion early because we had a test, so I was going to jet over to Hurst to drop a paper off that was due in a half an hour. So I walk up the marble stairs to the old doors and I was tugging on them and it wouldn't open and I was like "SHIT! THEY LOCKED 'EM!" I was pacing back and forth wondering what I was going to do. Finally I just walked away and then these construction workers were like "MISS, YOU JUST HAVE TO PUSH THE DOOR NOT PULL!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!" I was like "oh...hah...thanks." Awkward.

• I was so tired this morning. When I was getting coffee before class, instead of pouring the cream into my coffee and throwing the empty container in the trashcan, I poured the cream in the trashcan and then dropped the container into my coffee. A janitor laughed at me. God I'm awkward...

• I fell asleep in class today but snapped back awake when my head did that dozing off thing. I went to chug some coffee and didn't realize my mouth was no where near the opening...so I just put the cup up to my mouth and leaned back and poured coffee all over myself. Ugh, awkward.

• Today I was writing my paper and listening to my itunes and I double clicked the song "Bootylicious" and a window popped up that said "WARNING: YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT AUTHORIZED TO PLAY "BOOTYLICIOUS" I died laughing because all I could think of was "Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? Meg's computer, can you handle this? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE AUTHORIZED TO HANDLE THIS, WOOOOOOOO!" ...Sorry. That was awkward. [note: It's a whole other level of special when you can make it awkward with yourself in your own personal journal.]

• My dorm phone has been broken for a really long time [note: dorm phones?! How archaic!] Some old guy was just banging on my door. I freaked out thinking it's the guy that's going around harassing girls on my floor, but it turns out he's here to fix our phone. Finally! The only problem is that I have Golden Girls on and he keeps stopping to watch it for extended periods of time. He's like openly laughing out loud at it. I really have to take a shower now, but I don't want to prance around in my robe for him.Ugh, I don't want to awkwardly ask him to stop watching Golden Girls and fix my phone and get out of my dorm....This sucks.

• I forgot to bring a jewel case for the CD that my design project is on. So what do I use to protect my CD? A ZIPLOCK BAG WITH LITTLE BITS OF CRUNCHED GOLDFISH CRACKERS AT THE BOTTOM I FOUND IN MY MESSENGER BAG FROM GOD ONLY KNOWS WHEN. Who the fuck does that? And then to compensate, I wrote "sorry about the bag" on it, but I forgot the "y" in the word sorry. So I had to draw a little carrot and a y, making myself look like an even bigger asshole. So now I'm that girl who came into class 20 minutes late the first day, who's computer is never connected to the server and who presented her first project in a ziplock bag with bits of goldfish crackers and "sorr about the bag" scrawled on it. I am so fucking awkward. [note: I damn near had a panic attack remembering this incident. The next time our class met, the professor (whom I had such a huge crush on) held up the bag in front of the entire class and delivered a five-minute lecture on how disrespectful I was and how designers who don't take pride in their deliverable should change their major. I have never felt so stupid in my entire life. I went back to my dorm room and cried my fucking eyes out. Oh my God.]

• This morning I remembered that I was freak dancing with Danielle's Big's boyfriend at formal Saturday night and he randomly asked me what my favorite letter is. Regrettably, I answered with "DUH, it's R" He asked why, to which I responded "because RRRRRrrrraaaaaaarrrrarrrrr" whilst doing a sexual cheetah-clawing motion at him...awkward.

• I seriously am the most awkward person alive. I should not be allowed to interact with people. For one of my rolls of film, I took a picture of these two puppets my dad brought back from Thailand. I had just made a test of the contact sheet with those pictures on it when in swoops the fabulous Iwan [legendary hip photo professor at AU] with his fabulous Gucci shoes and matching belt all- "Darling, let me see that." So I hand him my contact sheet all nervous like. He sees the picture of the Thai dolls and goes: "Ohh! You have Asian parents?? You were adopted, that's FAHHHBULOUS!" My response: "...Yes. Yes I have Asian parents." Iwan: "That is fabulous!" Me: "...Yea, adoptions not bad." WHAT THE HELL?! Who does that?? So he can never meet my parents and/or I'll have to hire Asian actors to be my parents if he ever needs to meet them.

• This morning in Gender in Society, we were discussing "The Glass Escalator" which is when men enter "women's fields" like teaching and get promoted quickly to administrative positions because they are men...patriarchy...matrix of domination...blah blah blah. Anyway, all I could think of was Mr. Feeny from "Boy Meets World" and how he was first their middle school teacher and then followed them to high school and finally was promoted to became a college professor. Mr. Feeny like owned the Glass Escalator. Then I couldn't stop thinking about how hot Eric Mathews was. And how comical Rider Strong's name is, and how odd it is that he's gay. Who knew?! Then I realized why I have an A in the class and a D in participation. So when I was walking to Art of the Renaissance, I was still thinking about my Mr. Feeny-Glass-Escalator-Theory and blatantly tripped and fell flat on my face in the quad, producing a giant cut on my leg, which was bleeding during class. So there I am, bleeding-out in the middle of class trying to take notes and maintain consciousness. Why is my life so awkward?

• [This is a story about doing a design project with a senior designer who I had a crush on when I was a freshman] It was one of those situations where in your head you're thinking, "OMG WHY ARE YOU BEING SO AWKWARD?! THIS IS NOT YOU! SAY SOMETHING BACK TO HIM, HE JUST ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!!!" and all that comes out is "Uhh, yea. Good stuff." I think I said "good stuff" like 80 times. And of all the lame things to say, why "good stuff"?? We later had to relocate to the design lab in McKinley. Once we got there, he used this random-ass back entrance that I didn't know existed. I didn't want him to think that I was some amateur 19 year-old design girl, so I was like err yea I know where I'm going. So we walk in and I head for the left hall and he heads right. Hot Design Boy: "Oh...you go that way?" Me (trying not to star in amateur hour): "Oh yea...all the time. But let's go your way!" Hot Design Boy: "Oh no, I want to see your way, I didn't even know you could go this way." Me (thinking 'oh shit I have no fucking clue where I’m going, this building is a maze'): "Umm okay...follow me!" So I lead him around the building for like 5 minutes not knowing where the hell I'm going. At every intersection he'd go one way and I'd go another and he'd be like "Oh...you can go that way?" until finally he was like "...you don't know where you're going, do you?" ::Meg hangs head in shame:: "That's correct, sir." So. painfully. awkward.

• I awkwardly outed Andrew to our entire comm class today. We were sitting in class at the conference table and Andrew informed everyone that the British Navy is apparently trying to recruit gay men. So I slapped Andrew on the back and said, "HAHA! Looks like you're going to sea Andrew!" He was not thrilled. But that just gets him back for the time we were having lunch with a bunch of people that I didn't know and he chose to break a lull in conversation with "Hey, did you guys know that Meg invented the blow job and now calls it a "Row Job?"

• This morning when I was walking back to my apartment, Scott Kalman (better known as "Sweater Vest Scott") was approaching. We proceeded to (and in COMPLETE synchronization) do the meeting of eyes and slow head-nod to acknowledge each other. However, we did this social ritual faaarr too early. So after we did the head-nod, we were still walking towards each other for about 10 more seconds. And we were both listening to ipods, so we couldn't really do the "How are you?" courtesy conversation to pass the time, so we both just kind of awkwardly kept nodding our heads. It was intensely awkward. And I couldn't help but laugh. Which added to the awkwardasity of the situation. It reminded me of the time over the summer where I ran into Jeremy and we hugged, but he added the courtesy cheek kiss to the mix. I hadn't taken him for the kind of guy who busts out the courtesy cheek kiss, so I didn't reciprocate, instead I thought about how I really didn't take him for a courtesy cheek kisser and then I was like shit, COURTESY CHEEK KISS BACK ASAP! So, a delayed five seconds after our hug was over I was like.......MWAAAA, and kissed him on the cheek, which at that point just seemed like a random and oddly affectionate thing to do to someone I'm not that great of friends with. Awkward.

There's a fine line between quirky and Asperger's. And apparently in college I was flirting with that line. A lot.

Overheard at the Bar

The following exchanges today with Ondreah, a server at the bar, pretty much made up for the fact that it was raining and cold and barely anyone came in all day:

Me: So where do you live?
Ondreah: Southside.
Me: ::nodding my head:: Ah. Gotcha.
Ondreah: PFFF, Moe! Moe! ::Moe walks over:: I just told Meghan that I live on the Southside and she's all nodding her head like she hangs out there! HAHAHA!
Me: I never said I hung out there!
Moe: I bet you've never even been there.
Me: YEA HUH! I did my college community service there!!!
::Ondreah and Moe look at eachother, crack up, and promptly walk away::


[While talking about an episode of Intervention]
Ondreah: He spent like $84,000 in three weeks on crack and cars and alcohol and trickin'...
Me: Yikes. That's impressive!
Ondreah: ...Do you know what "trickin'" is?
Me: Prostitution.
Ondreah: No, it's buying pussy.
Me: Is there a difference between buying pussy and prostitution?
Ondreah: Oh girl, you are straight outta the suburbs.

Recrap Tuesdays!

The City
Episode 3: Recapped by Chris
Last night’s episode of The City was all about “The L Word” and while I’m sure all of your faithful 2b1b readers want to see Whitney get hot and steamy with Olivia (Whivia? Olitney?), unfortunately that “L word” is not lesbians. I’ll give you three guesses but you’ll probably only need one. Clearly we’re talking here about love; mainly whether Whitney and Jay do or ever will have that. Compared to Erin and her new Toronto boyfriend Duncan, our girl Whit is feeling less than stellar about her relationship with Jay. Since Erin and Duncan are canoodling and playing the guitar (oooo steamy!), they must be in love. Poor Whitney is all “OMG I’m so third wheel. Laterz.” Can you really blame her? Sure cuddling is innocent enough, but Whit’s been sleeping on Erin’s couch so I’m sure she hears other aspects of Erin’s relay. Hint: it’s not more guitar lessons.

So Whitney is on the hunt for an apartment. Or rather she roped Jay into hunting for her. That shit must be love, because New York apartment hunting is a bitch and I don’t want to have to do that for myself, let alone for someone I’m only sort of seeing. Regardless, at the DVF online catalog shoot, Whitney fills Olivia in on her apartment search plans, and Olivia offers the quintessential apartment search advice “Don’t settle on the first one you see.” But Whitney probs missed that comment when Jay called her to tell her he found an apartment for her. Whitney bounces early to see this amazing apt Jay found. And it is pretty amaymay: corner unit, floor to ceiling windows, hardwood floors, balcony, 30^th floor. There are few things I wouldn’t do for an apartment like that. The leasing agent, who may be the L word after all, judging by that pants suit, tells Whitney there is competition for this apt. No shit, this is NYC, and apartments last about as long as Tyra Banks’ singing career. Lucky for Whit, MTV worked their magic for the apartment (and Whitney’s legs worked some magic on the leasing agent) and she finds out she got the apt the next day at work.

But back to “the L word.” Erin and Duncan had such a great time at Brass Monkey that they each dropped the L bomb. However, when Erin tells Whitney and Jay about it, we find that there are two camps of love here: Erin thinks you should say it when you feel it, even if you’ve been dating for all of 2 seconds and your bfry lives in Toronto, and Jay doesn’t want to throw that word around lightly. Whitney must be thinking “Dammit Jay! I’m hot! You like me! Now put a ring on it!” But she just smiles and nods, because she not contractually obligated to punch a wall until at least season two.

Our brief Nevia cameo (seriously guys, get real friends) of the episode is kind of sad, as the two have nothing better to talk about than some lame anecdote about Nevan’s life and Whitney’s apartment hunt and how pissed Olivia is that Whitney didn’t take her advice. However, Nevan did say that NY girls are cutthroat and evil and who would know better than Olivia. I do hope this is some intense foreshadowing, because the boredom of Heidi Waldorf and art boy cousin are taking years off my life.

We close on Whitney and Jay having the dreaded relationship talk. Whitney is all “I don’t want to call you my bfry…unless that’s what you want.” which is just clever speak for “Please let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend and skip through Central Park together!” But Jay counters with the long version of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” He does assures her however that he wants to get to know her better. Real reassuring, Justin Bobby Jay. So Jay diffuses the situation with a smile and a “We’re on the right page then?” All Whitney wants is to be in a relationship on Facebook with you, Jay. I guess she’ll have to settle for “It’s Complicated with Jay Lyon.”

Take me out, Beyonce.

Bromance
Episode 2: Bro-Athon
First and foremost I want to state for the record that the way Brody Jenner says his "l's" makes me uncomfortable. There's sort of this dainty Latino touch. Everytime he says "L.A." I have a flashback of watching Selena in my seventh grade Spanish class.

I digress. The second episode of Bromance begins with a call from Brody telling the boys to put on a pair of tennis shoes and get ready to have some fun. It's time for a Bro-Athon! The overall objective of the Bro-Athon is for Brody to see how competitive these boys are, but also to see if they can have fun with whatever he throws at them. I get that. Sometimes I drop my friends off in a bad neighborhood blindfolded and wait for them to make it home, just to keep them sharp. And if they don't return with a smile and a good story...consequences.

Event 1 of the Bro-Athon is the Lazy Boy Slalom. This consists of strapping oneself into a Lazy Boy recliner and rolling down a steep hill while trying to grab a remote control, a drink and a pizza box placed in the middle of the road. Most of the Bros fall over and hurt themselves. I guess it's funny. Femi compares his performance to that of a tiger. That morning he had already compared himself to Sammy Davis Jr. and a lion. 50 bucks says next he compares himself to Frank Sinatra and a unicorn.

After Luke is crowned the Lazy Boy Slalom winner, Brody asks Gary (aka Pip from Lord of the Rings) what kind of dance he teaches. Upon hearing that he teaches hip-hop, Brody proposes a dance-off between Pip and Femi. Femi stars talking some whack shit about Pip and the Asian kid comes to Pip's defense and talks some shit back. Brody has a private temper tantrum because he's not into this "fighting crap." Then he gets all zen on us and says, "the real loser, is the one with the bad attitude." Wax on, wax off.

Round 2 is a little something called Bro Your Boat. Brody watches the Bros work in groups of two to create a raft out of blow-up dolls tied together by lingerie to see how well they can work together. Again, that's completely normal. One time I made my friends construct a mini-golf putter out of vibrators held together with scrunchies to watch their beautiful friendship synergy in action. And to improve my mini-golf game.

Luke and Jered win.

The Bro-Athon concludes with the Bro-MX. The Bros have to ride bikes built for small girls over BMX hills and do a five barrel jump. The Bro who jumps the most barrels wins. This is all obviously because Brody is looking for a friend with balls. A friend who is willing to do something even if it's kind of dangerous. This is my favorite segment thanks to Chris F. the nerdy Asian kid. Chris F. wipes out in a big way and only makes it one foot and three inches across the barrel jump. "You wanna know what else is one foot, three inches?" the Asian asks the camera, "MAH DICK!" If I were Brody Jenner, I would have stopped the competition right then and there and rode off into the sunset with that bottle-cap-glasses-wearing-Asian. Oh and Alex wins.

Later that night, Brody has the Bros over for some one-on-one time, Bachelor style. I'm not kidding. There's a fire pit, candles, drinks, soft music in the background and lots of heart wipes to transition from scene to scene. Apparently fire pit + candles + Brody Jenner = CRY FEST '09!

Femi and Brody's one-on-one was the absolute most confusing thing I have ever seen. Brody asks Femi "what he's been through in life" and all of a sudden there are tears rolling down Femi's face as he begins to explain some traumatic life experience. But Femi's voice sounds like he's talking about buying toilet paper, not like he's talking about something single-tear-down-cheek-worthy. Femi goes on to tell some asinine story about how he once got suspended from school. The tears continue to stream down his cheeks and neither Brody nor Femi react to these tears. I'm so confused. 1.) Femi's not even blinking let alone talking like he's choked up, is he aware that he's crying? 2.) I can't believe his Boyz in da Hood story is about getting suspended from school and having to go to a hearing. That's not cry worthy. Maybe he wasn't crying? Were his eyes sweating? WTF?

Later, Pip admits to Femi that he told Brody that Femi isn't being true to himself. Femi flips out (specifically screaming "You contradicted yourself. YOU ARE FEMALE! THAT IS A FEMALE TRAIT!...L0Lz) and Pip feels so badly that he has himself a good cry alone on the balcony.

Chris P. cries because he 100% fucked up his one-on-one time with Brody when he brings up Brody's bad relationship with his father, admits he's here to meet LC, tries to recover and ends up calling LC a ho and then accidentally spills his drink all over Brody. Standing ovation, sir.

Jared cries because he moved to Orlando and his family hasn't visited him yet.

I cry because I can't believe there's still 20 minutes left in this show.

Some drama, yelling, getting drunk, hangovers, puking, squashing of beef all occur. Blah, blah, blah, I want to hear the Asian kid talk about his dick again.

This episode's elimination takes place on a party boat. DAMNIT! I was really feeding off of the awkward energy from last week's hot tub! In the end Chris P. gets kicked off because he can't open up to Brody. He has to sail a little dingy back to Kentucky. This episode was weak and Brody Jenner and I are in a fight because I can't believe I stayed up this late to watch that horseshit. Thank God for the Asian kid...that was this episode's only saving grace.

My 45-minute Facebook relationship

As I settled into the back of my parent's Jeep Friday evening, worn out from a day of apartment cleaning/re-painting/re-arranging, my iphone dinged letting me know that I had just received an email. Christian C. from the New York, NY network had sent me the following message on Facebook:
"Christian C.

January 2 at 5:41pm

you look cute but we live too far. it would never work!"

Hm. This sent a few red flags-a-flyin':
1.) We don't have any mutual friends.
2.) I was just having a conversation with someone about whether or not it's socially acceptable to use Facebook as a flirting medium with strangers. (My argument is no, that's more myspace's scene. Facebook is good to flirt with people you already know.)
3.) This guy is hot. And British. And lives on the Upper West Side. Normally the random guys who message me on myspace are Latino gangbangers from Inglewood who call me "mami" and wanna do unspeakable things to dat a$$. I mean, I'm not saying I look like Sloth from Goonies, but what the hell is this guy doing wasting his time with me?

Then I realized. He thinks I'm Leighton Meester.

My favorite TV drama archetype is the over-privileged, bitchy, brunette. (The exception of course being Summer from The OC. Rachel Bilson/Summer Roberts = Fail.) Blair Waldorf (as played by Leighton Meester) from Gossip Girl is my personal hero. Not since Dynasty's Fallon Carrington Colby have I seen such exemplary levels of brunette snobbery and good fashion sense. So as an homage, I made her my Facebook picture.

Given I had about 45 minutes to kill in the car with my parents on the way back to their house, I decided to see where a conversation with Christian C. from New York, NY would take me. Below is the entirety of our conversation. Enjoy.

Christian C.: you look cute but we live too far. it would never work!
Meg McBlogger: Well not with that attitude it wouldn't!
Christian C.: Well, i guess so...I'm not going to spend too much time talking about myself, but I'm good looking, muscular, funny, exciting, adventurous, cool, a real man's man -- the kind of man other men want to be, and women want to be with! But most of all, out of everything else, my best trait is...I'm modest! ;-)

Tell me about yourself...Did you do anything interesting for new year' eve?
Meg McBlogger: Yikes, I'm going to have to stop you there. You do realize the girl in my facebook photo is actress Leighton Meester, yes? Don't get me wrong, I consider myself an attractive girl, but Leighton Meester I am not. If I've dissapointed you, she films her show in NYC, so stalking her down is always an option I guess?
Christian C.: Yeah, i realised but only after your first reply but then i liked your response so figured you had to look something like her to add her to your profile!! [editor's note: I do not. And I'm almost positive at this point in our messaging he could just click my picture to see actual photos of me, but I don't think he realized this. I chalk it up to him being a foreigner.]
Meg McBlogger: Yea, sorry about that. Actually Leighton Meester's body plus my amazing personality would be quite the catch. Sorry I can't totally make that happen for you. But yes, I relate to her being a sassy brunette myself. But the similarities stop there.
Christian C.: sounds perfect! [has already sent a friend request] let's be friends so i can c for myself ;)
Meg McBlogger: Oof, are you really ready for that responsibility?
Christian C.: how do you mean?
Meg McBlogger: Here's how I see it. You have a few options here, if you see what I actually look like you can like what you see, or not like what you see. If you don't like what you see, you can either stop talking to me (in which case I know it's because I'm not Leighton Meester-y enough, which is kind of a dick move on your part and I don't know if you want the guilt of ruining a random girl's night) or you can be polite and continue to courtesy message me, and who has the time for that? OR you could actually like what you see and continue to message me knowing this is going nowhere anyway. I mean I'm pretty good with how I look, so it's not a big deal, I'm just thinking of you. Personally, I wouldn't want that pressure.
Christian C.: this is ridiculously stressful. ha ha. i don't know which i should do?
Meg McBlogger: Well, think hard. It's your decision and yours alone.
Christian C.: i guess we should just end it. either way this isnt' going anywhere, but i got more out of this conversation than i ever though i would when i sent you that message!
Meg McBlogger: That's fair enough.
Christian C.: I'm gonna start watching that show now and think of you!! ;)
Meg McBlogger: You'll always be the Chuck Bass to my Blair Waldorf.
Christian C.: ha ha what?
Meg McBlogger: Ugh. Never mind.


Sigh...breakups are worst. Time to rebound with a Latino gangbanger!