Can someone do me a favor and call the police, because I'm currently being raped by my job. It's like I'm getting Eiffel Towered with work on a day to day basis, and I don't think I can take much more of this. My job goes through periods of complete inactivity and then utter insanity. So kind of like a meth addict. And right now, I'm fucked six ways to Sunday with paperwork and assorted random tasks. And frankly, I'm overwhelmed. Being 100% mature, when I get overwhelmed, I do what any young professional does in that situation, I close my eyes, put my fingers and my ears and sing "Kookaburra" out loud to myself, because if I can't see or hear the work, then it's not there.
Thank the good lord on high for the internet. I put the massive amounts of paperwork on the edges of my desk so it's out of my periph and I tool around online until my Irish guilt kicks in and I get back to work. Normally, I will watch the puppycam for about 10 minutes, or look up a couple videos on Youtube. Since my attention span rivals that of a goldfish, I'm back to work in under a half hour. But one thing that I can never get sick of, and only allow myself to do once I know I'm not planning on getting back to work, is Twitter.
Everyone who reads this and follows me on Twitter is probably confused because I've updated my Twitter maybe twice in the past two weeks [Editor's Note: @2birds1blog updates frequently! So you should follow us! It's written by this super smokin', sexy girl who's not awkward at all and never makes grammatical errors! And now you have a boner! AND YOU'RE WELCOME!] I could not be less interesting right now if I tried, and I don't want to bore you all with my thoughts on the rain or burnt toast. If I had been updating regularly, my Twitter feed would read like a bored Midwestern housewife's would. "Got groceries today. $2.99/lb of chicken! What a rip off!" "Oh shucks, I burnt the casserole." "Vacuuming." It's just sad how boring my life is right now.
No, I have recently become obsessed with Twitter Trending Topics. In the past, my experience with trending topics had been minimal at best. More often than not, they just confused me. Because sometimes I'm elderly when it comes to new technology. I mean, I only joined Twitter a couple months ago and it took me about 6 months to figure out what RT meant. But I digress. So yea, previously I'd click on a trending topic out of curiosity, like what people are saying about Google Wave. Not because I cared about Google Wave, but because I had no idea what it meant. But recently, I found that the best Trending Topics to follow are the random hashtag topics. Things like #3wordsyoucantsay or #randomthoughts or #thatswhatshesaid. A lot of the responses you'll find are not all that funny, mainly because people are trying too hard to be funny. There is only one reason why I keep coming back to Trending Topics and one reason only. And that reason is: ghetto people on Twitter.
Before you call the NAACP on me, I just want to say that these people are the majority of respondents to trending hashtags. So much so, that often the same person will have three or four different responses to the same topic. They are just full of ideas for #songsyouplayduringsex and #moviesthatshouldbemade. And I love it so much. Yesterday, I spent a full hour watching the ideas come through for #idothat2, which was things that you do that you know other people do also. Some of the responses scandalized little old me. But they were also hilarious. And I don't mean that in a minstrel show kind of way. I mean they are genuinely the funnier responses.
Currently, the best two examples of what I'm talking about, are the trending topic #thoughtsonthetoilet and #letsbehonest. I'm going to give you a couple of examples of both ghetto and non-ghetto responses, and you'll see what I mean. (I'm not going to tell you which ones are which, you'll have to guess on your own.)
1. "#thoughtsonthetoilet I should turn my company badge the other way so people in the next stall don't know my biz!"
2. "#thoughtsonthetoilet.... Damn water splash on my nutts....lmao"
3. "#thoughtsonthetoilet damn dat burned"
4. "#thoughtsonthetoilet glad my bf isn't here, cuz if he smelled this, I'd be single!"
5. "#thoughtsonthetoilet LAST MUTHAFUCKING TIME I'LL LET DAT NIGGA COOK!!!!"
1. "#letsbehonest April can't come soon enough! (Amen)"
2. "#letsbehonest just because u bag 100 ugly girls it still doesnt make u a G!"
3. "#letsbehonest u no dam well dat aint yo real hair dattz a lace front wig lol"
4. "#letbehonest 85% of my mind thinks that I should just sleep now and regret it tomorrow. So tired!? I just reached home. Just. JUST."
5. "letsbehonest" most of the subjects we learn at school -we don't need them when we become so-called adults"
6. "#letsbehonest the money in your profile pic is the money your mama bout to use to pay the mortgage"
Let the evidence speak for itself. Ghetto people on Twitter are just genuinely funnier when it comes to responding to hashtag topics. I rest my case.
Showing posts with label i'm painfully white. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i'm painfully white. Show all posts
6.03.2009
Thoughts I couldn't flesh out into full entries.
- As I've discussed before, I am painfully white. Sure I'd like to think I'm a sassy black woman on the inside and I pray to St. Dre (the patron saint of Akrite,) but technically, I am straight-up lily white. I was recently at the makeup counter in Bloomingdale's with my mom picking out a new foundation and the makeup guy asked, "what shade do you think you are?" My mom looked me up and down, laughed out loud and answered: "Oh, her shade is WHITE. Like PAPER white. [Laughs at own joke] Like just give her a bottle of White-Out and call it foundation, WHITE. [Laughs at own joke again] Like the only way to kill her is a stake through the heart, WHITE! Like—" OK, OK HE GETS IT! I'M WHITE! Jesus.
Unfortunately, I always forget how white I am and neglect to wear sunscreen, resulting in the most god awful sunburns this world has ever seen. The worst sunburn to date happened when I went to Arizona for my 18th birthday and laid out from approximately 9am-6pm one day. I was responsible and wore sunscreen everywhere but my legs. My thought process was, "Man, my legs never get tan. Ooo! I know! I won't put sunscreen on 'em and let the strong Arizona sun tan 'em to a golden brown!" Six hours later, they were a comical lobster red. I looked absolutely ridiculous and holy God was it painful. I spent the rest of the trip pantsless in my hotel room vomiting and icing my legs. On my actual birthday, I was supposed to get a hot stone massage and my sister was going to get a cooling detox wrap. The thought of someone rubbing my legs with hot stones was enough to make six layers of skin fall off. In an ironic twist of fate, my sister got an explosive case of diarrhea the morning of our spa visit and could in no way spend an hour and 15 minutes tightly wrapped on a table. We switched spa treatments and all was right with the world.
This past Sunday, I neglected to wear a stitch of sunscreen at my mimosa rooftop pool experience and SW waterfront crab feast. By the time I was coming home from the waterfront on the metro, I thought I was going to rip off my shirt and dump my bottled water all over my back and shoulders, which were en fuego. I could not get into a cold shower fast enough. As soon as I got on the elevator in my apartment, I started unbuckling my pants and unhooking my bra. The second my door closed behind me, I tore off my clothes and hurled myself into the coldest shower possible. The noises of sweet relief coming from my bathroom were perverse. I feel badly for anybody walking by my apartment at the time.
The pain from Sunday has yet to subside. I woke up yesterday morning at around 4:30am in searing pain. I got up, went to the freezer and took out a bottle of vodka from the deep freeze section. I went back to bed and fell asleep with the bottle between my back and the bed. Unfortunately in my half-conscious state, I neglected to wrap the frozen bottle in a towel first. When I sat up a few hours later to hit snooze on my alarm, the bottle of vodka came with me, as it was completely frozen to back. I essentially Supermanned myself with a bottle of vodka. So now not only is my upper back completely sunburned, it's also freezer burned. It takes a special girl.
- And just when you thought Dupont Circle couldn't get any gayer, this happened. Yep, the Real World is officially coming to DC. But am I the only one who's kind of excited about this? And I'm not excited in my usual militant pro-DC ranty and ravey kind of way, I'm excited because living in the same hood as the Real World increases my chances of having sex with a cast member exponentially. And if you told 11-year-old Meglet that one day she'll have sex with a Real World cast member, she'd probably pee her peace sign boxers shorts with excitement. And what are your early 20's for, if not making your Middle School fantasies come true?
- I would like to state something for the record: laughing after making a dick statement does not make what you just said any less of a dick statement. A smile might be the universal "hello," but a laugh is not the universal "SIKE!" I have a co-worker who always does this, and I want to kill him. The most irritating part is when I get bitchy in response his asshole statement, he's all "woooahhh, take it easy killer!" No. No I will not take it easy, killer. You just said something fucked up to me and I'm going to react in kind. I don't give a shit if you laughed directly after you said it. You still said it! Example from yesterday:
Co-worker: Do we have anymore marketing binders?
Me: Nope, Liza was in this morning and cleaned us out.
Co-worker: Well maybe instead of just sitting there you should make some more—HAHAHAHAHAHALOLZ!!!!!! :P
Me: Well, maybe you should have called and let me know you'd be coming by to get marketing binders so I don't waste both of our time.
Co-worker: Well me-ow! Watch out for Ms. Meghan today! I was just joking around with you, sheesh! HAHAHAHAH!!!!!! ;)
You wanna joke around with me? Then tell me a knock-knock joke, motherfucker. Don't be a dick to me and then act like I'm the asshole when I don't take your shit. It's a passive-aggressive move and I have no time for passive-aggressive people. If you wanna be a dick, then be a dick to me. I'm a big girl! I can take it! You don't need to soften the blow by giggling like a Japanese school girl. It's the equivalent of hitting someone in the face and then giving them a back massage. Or stabbing someone and giving them butterfly kisses on the wound. Be a man and have the decency to be an out-and-out asshole to me. Now that's something I can respect. God, I fucking hate him.
- So, I got a little more riled up about that last point than I expected to and now feel awkward leaving on that note. Damn stream of consciousness writing. Hmm...Oh! Here's something quasi light hearted for you! So I started following this porn star on Twitter because I totes respect her work, right? Wrong. Big mistake. Her Twitter has completely humanized her in a way that has ruined everything for me. I thought her tweets would be hilariously porntastic like "bangin' evan stone then hittin' up~ taco bell~!!", but mostly they're about how her brother was recently in a near-fatal motorcycle accident leaving him paralyzed and with no will to live. Now she's stuck taking care of his kids and spends everyday with him in the hospital. Awkward...It just sucks because now I can't enjoy porn without wondering how his physical therapy is going or if her nephew passed the math test she helped him study for last night. God people are selfish.
- Damnit. That wasn't light-hearted in the least. Hm. Welp! Here's the Turtle Rapes Shoe video! Have a great day!
Unfortunately, I always forget how white I am and neglect to wear sunscreen, resulting in the most god awful sunburns this world has ever seen. The worst sunburn to date happened when I went to Arizona for my 18th birthday and laid out from approximately 9am-6pm one day. I was responsible and wore sunscreen everywhere but my legs. My thought process was, "Man, my legs never get tan. Ooo! I know! I won't put sunscreen on 'em and let the strong Arizona sun tan 'em to a golden brown!" Six hours later, they were a comical lobster red. I looked absolutely ridiculous and holy God was it painful. I spent the rest of the trip pantsless in my hotel room vomiting and icing my legs. On my actual birthday, I was supposed to get a hot stone massage and my sister was going to get a cooling detox wrap. The thought of someone rubbing my legs with hot stones was enough to make six layers of skin fall off. In an ironic twist of fate, my sister got an explosive case of diarrhea the morning of our spa visit and could in no way spend an hour and 15 minutes tightly wrapped on a table. We switched spa treatments and all was right with the world.
This past Sunday, I neglected to wear a stitch of sunscreen at my mimosa rooftop pool experience and SW waterfront crab feast. By the time I was coming home from the waterfront on the metro, I thought I was going to rip off my shirt and dump my bottled water all over my back and shoulders, which were en fuego. I could not get into a cold shower fast enough. As soon as I got on the elevator in my apartment, I started unbuckling my pants and unhooking my bra. The second my door closed behind me, I tore off my clothes and hurled myself into the coldest shower possible. The noises of sweet relief coming from my bathroom were perverse. I feel badly for anybody walking by my apartment at the time.
The pain from Sunday has yet to subside. I woke up yesterday morning at around 4:30am in searing pain. I got up, went to the freezer and took out a bottle of vodka from the deep freeze section. I went back to bed and fell asleep with the bottle between my back and the bed. Unfortunately in my half-conscious state, I neglected to wrap the frozen bottle in a towel first. When I sat up a few hours later to hit snooze on my alarm, the bottle of vodka came with me, as it was completely frozen to back. I essentially Supermanned myself with a bottle of vodka. So now not only is my upper back completely sunburned, it's also freezer burned. It takes a special girl.
- And just when you thought Dupont Circle couldn't get any gayer, this happened. Yep, the Real World is officially coming to DC. But am I the only one who's kind of excited about this? And I'm not excited in my usual militant pro-DC ranty and ravey kind of way, I'm excited because living in the same hood as the Real World increases my chances of having sex with a cast member exponentially. And if you told 11-year-old Meglet that one day she'll have sex with a Real World cast member, she'd probably pee her peace sign boxers shorts with excitement. And what are your early 20's for, if not making your Middle School fantasies come true?
- I would like to state something for the record: laughing after making a dick statement does not make what you just said any less of a dick statement. A smile might be the universal "hello," but a laugh is not the universal "SIKE!" I have a co-worker who always does this, and I want to kill him. The most irritating part is when I get bitchy in response his asshole statement, he's all "woooahhh, take it easy killer!" No. No I will not take it easy, killer. You just said something fucked up to me and I'm going to react in kind. I don't give a shit if you laughed directly after you said it. You still said it! Example from yesterday:
Co-worker: Do we have anymore marketing binders?
Me: Nope, Liza was in this morning and cleaned us out.
Co-worker: Well maybe instead of just sitting there you should make some more—HAHAHAHAHAHALOLZ!!!!!! :P
Me: Well, maybe you should have called and let me know you'd be coming by to get marketing binders so I don't waste both of our time.
Co-worker: Well me-ow! Watch out for Ms. Meghan today! I was just joking around with you, sheesh! HAHAHAHAH!!!!!! ;)
You wanna joke around with me? Then tell me a knock-knock joke, motherfucker. Don't be a dick to me and then act like I'm the asshole when I don't take your shit. It's a passive-aggressive move and I have no time for passive-aggressive people. If you wanna be a dick, then be a dick to me. I'm a big girl! I can take it! You don't need to soften the blow by giggling like a Japanese school girl. It's the equivalent of hitting someone in the face and then giving them a back massage. Or stabbing someone and giving them butterfly kisses on the wound. Be a man and have the decency to be an out-and-out asshole to me. Now that's something I can respect. God, I fucking hate him.
- So, I got a little more riled up about that last point than I expected to and now feel awkward leaving on that note. Damn stream of consciousness writing. Hmm...Oh! Here's something quasi light hearted for you! So I started following this porn star on Twitter because I totes respect her work, right? Wrong. Big mistake. Her Twitter has completely humanized her in a way that has ruined everything for me. I thought her tweets would be hilariously porntastic like "bangin' evan stone then hittin' up~ taco bell~!!", but mostly they're about how her brother was recently in a near-fatal motorcycle accident leaving him paralyzed and with no will to live. Now she's stuck taking care of his kids and spends everyday with him in the hospital. Awkward...It just sucks because now I can't enjoy porn without wondering how his physical therapy is going or if her nephew passed the math test she helped him study for last night. God people are selfish.
- Damnit. That wasn't light-hearted in the least. Hm. Welp! Here's the Turtle Rapes Shoe video! Have a great day!
1.07.2009
Overheard at the Bar
The following exchanges today with Ondreah, a server at the bar, pretty much made up for the fact that it was raining and cold and barely anyone came in all day:
Me: So where do you live?
Ondreah: Southside.
Me: ::nodding my head:: Ah. Gotcha.
Ondreah: PFFF, Moe! Moe! ::Moe walks over:: I just told Meghan that I live on the Southside and she's all nodding her head like she hangs out there! HAHAHA!
Me: I never said I hung out there!
Moe: I bet you've never even been there.
Me: YEA HUH! I did my college community service there!!!
::Ondreah and Moe look at eachother, crack up, and promptly walk away::
[While talking about an episode of Intervention]
Ondreah: He spent like $84,000 in three weeks on crack and cars and alcohol and trickin'...
Me: Yikes. That's impressive!
Ondreah: ...Do you know what "trickin'" is?
Me: Prostitution.
Ondreah: No, it's buying pussy.
Me: Is there a difference between buying pussy and prostitution?
Ondreah: Oh girl, you are straight outta the suburbs.
Me: So where do you live?
Ondreah: Southside.
Me: ::nodding my head:: Ah. Gotcha.
Ondreah: PFFF, Moe! Moe! ::Moe walks over:: I just told Meghan that I live on the Southside and she's all nodding her head like she hangs out there! HAHAHA!
Me: I never said I hung out there!
Moe: I bet you've never even been there.
Me: YEA HUH! I did my college community service there!!!
::Ondreah and Moe look at eachother, crack up, and promptly walk away::
[While talking about an episode of Intervention]
Ondreah: He spent like $84,000 in three weeks on crack and cars and alcohol and trickin'...
Me: Yikes. That's impressive!
Ondreah: ...Do you know what "trickin'" is?
Me: Prostitution.
Ondreah: No, it's buying pussy.
Me: Is there a difference between buying pussy and prostitution?
Ondreah: Oh girl, you are straight outta the suburbs.
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