Showing posts with label the hills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the hills. Show all posts
6.02.2009
Recrap Tuesdays: THE END OF AN ERA!
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5.26.2009
Recrap Tuesday needs a shoulder to cry on.
So. I don't really know how to say this...I might as well just do it quick like a band-aid and get it over with. Sigh. Here we go: I got teary-eyed at last night's episode of The Hills. Yea, I know. The Hills. The same show I shit on on a weekly basis and insinuate is so god-awful a praying mantis could write. (I'm sorry, that was just cruel Scott. I know you have a name.)
I was in no way ready for how nostalgic and bittersweet last night's episode was. God Scott, what's wrong with you? I know I've been bitching and moaning for weeks about wanting more compelling plot lines, but you can't go from zero to Schindler's List in 60 seconds flat! Slow the fuck down! I don't tune in to relate to The Hills cast and empathize with their problems; I tune in to watch pretty people stare blankly at each other and to catch the occasional guest appearance by Bruce Jenner's disco ghost or Nana Pratt.
I think I've hit some sort of rock bottom when I'm crying in my office at an episode of The Hills. Oye. Time to call Dr. Galler. In the meantime, let's recrap this trail of tears and be done with it.
SO! Heidi was very unsatisfied with the impromptu Mexican Hat Dance wedding she and Spencer had at Chili's last year, so Spencer has agreed to give her the big, traditional, non-Mexican wedding she's always wanted. That's neato and all, but Heidi can't truly be happy about it because she knows her ex-BFF4lyfe Lauren doesn't support the union and won't come to the wedding. That's sad. Heidi stands before Stephanie and Holly in her dream wedding gown (which bee-tee-dubbs looks like if a cockatoo and a bag of icing fucked dirty in a rest stop bathroom and conceived a child) and looks miserable because Lauren's not there. "You can't be sad Heidi, you look so pretty!" Ugh. Sad. Gross.
Later Heidi shows up at Lauren's office to give her an invitation to the wedding in-person, but it doesn't do much to sway Lauren. Poor old LC is just the saddest girl in Sadtown, you guys! She hates that Heidi has changed so much and misses her old friend—the friend she used to love and idolize, not this douchebag impostor. I've been there. That feeling sucks. Ugh, again. Sad. Heidi pleads with her to come to the wedding, but in the end Lauren just doesn't feel right coming and that's that. Heidi cries. Heidi leaves. I cry. I get up to leave. Oh wait, I'm at work.
Things are just as grim for our supporting cast members as well. Brody has decided to end his friendship with Audrina to make things right with his girlfriend Jayde. It's awkward and sad. Part of me wants to feel bad for Audrina because, yea she jeopardized her friendship with Brody, but she was just following her heart, man! Can we really judge her for feeling something with Brody and having the courage to find out if he felt the same way? That's a beautiful thing! It makes me feel like a coward! Anyway, that's what I want to feel, but then I remember she just banged him out to get back at her boyfriend, fully aware he was happily seeing someone else. Then I just feel sad for her on a whole nother level.
And Stephanie Pratt. Poor, sad, old, dumb as a box of hair Stephanie Pratt. Stephanie, bless her heart, goes to a Nylon magazine party with Audrina and Lo. She tells them that if she were to ever see Kelly Cutrone again, she would probably instantly die. Audrina and Lo exchange a look and begin collecting empty Svedka bottles to build a coffin with, as the party is hosted by Kelly Cutrone. "It is?!" Stephanie drools. "DINGER!!!" Wouldn't you know it, just then Kelly walks over and approaches Stephanie. "What are you doing here?" Stephanie asks Kelly. Kelly picks up a Nylon and points to the masthead, "N-Y-L-O-N. Nylon magazine. Nylon is one of my clients, remember?" Ooof. Stephanie tries to apologize for her lackluster performance at People's Revolution but only digs her grave deeper, "It's just so hard to learn anything at a job where the boss is never there." Kelly's eyes damn-near pop out of her head and she laughs, "Are you seriously trying to blame me for your ineptitude?!" Then Stephanie shits herself and cries because dats a big word and who brings a dictionary to a party? Ugh...it just makes me sad that someone this dumb actually exists.
In the end, although Spencer hasn't apologized to someone in 24 years (which is a fact I don't know why he prides himself on; to me that's about as appealing as saying you haven't washed your hands in 24 years) swallows his pride and calls Lauren to apologize. Oh Spencey. Don't you just wish Hallmark made a "I'm sorry I told the entire world you made a sex tape and have oddly long labia" card? I know I do. You could always send her a roast beef sandwhich and spell "I'm sorry" in mustard and be all ironic? Yes? No? No. In the end he opts to call Lauren on the phone, apologize and tells her it would be "life changing" for Heidi if she came to the wedding. Lauren says "K, ttyl" hangs up and looks deeply conflicted as the credits roll. Of course because I read US Weekly at the gym, I can share with you that she ends up going to the wedding, but sits in the back row and ducks out after the service. How...sad.
Alright, I'm gonna go jump off a bridge. I'll be at the bottom of the Potomac if anyone needs me.
I was in no way ready for how nostalgic and bittersweet last night's episode was. God Scott, what's wrong with you? I know I've been bitching and moaning for weeks about wanting more compelling plot lines, but you can't go from zero to Schindler's List in 60 seconds flat! Slow the fuck down! I don't tune in to relate to The Hills cast and empathize with their problems; I tune in to watch pretty people stare blankly at each other and to catch the occasional guest appearance by Bruce Jenner's disco ghost or Nana Pratt.
I think I've hit some sort of rock bottom when I'm crying in my office at an episode of The Hills. Oye. Time to call Dr. Galler. In the meantime, let's recrap this trail of tears and be done with it.
SO! Heidi was very unsatisfied with the impromptu Mexican Hat Dance wedding she and Spencer had at Chili's last year, so Spencer has agreed to give her the big, traditional, non-Mexican wedding she's always wanted. That's neato and all, but Heidi can't truly be happy about it because she knows her ex-BFF4lyfe Lauren doesn't support the union and won't come to the wedding. That's sad. Heidi stands before Stephanie and Holly in her dream wedding gown (which bee-tee-dubbs looks like if a cockatoo and a bag of icing fucked dirty in a rest stop bathroom and conceived a child) and looks miserable because Lauren's not there. "You can't be sad Heidi, you look so pretty!" Ugh. Sad. Gross.
Later Heidi shows up at Lauren's office to give her an invitation to the wedding in-person, but it doesn't do much to sway Lauren. Poor old LC is just the saddest girl in Sadtown, you guys! She hates that Heidi has changed so much and misses her old friend—the friend she used to love and idolize, not this douchebag impostor. I've been there. That feeling sucks. Ugh, again. Sad. Heidi pleads with her to come to the wedding, but in the end Lauren just doesn't feel right coming and that's that. Heidi cries. Heidi leaves. I cry. I get up to leave. Oh wait, I'm at work.
Things are just as grim for our supporting cast members as well. Brody has decided to end his friendship with Audrina to make things right with his girlfriend Jayde. It's awkward and sad. Part of me wants to feel bad for Audrina because, yea she jeopardized her friendship with Brody, but she was just following her heart, man! Can we really judge her for feeling something with Brody and having the courage to find out if he felt the same way? That's a beautiful thing! It makes me feel like a coward! Anyway, that's what I want to feel, but then I remember she just banged him out to get back at her boyfriend, fully aware he was happily seeing someone else. Then I just feel sad for her on a whole nother level.
And Stephanie Pratt. Poor, sad, old, dumb as a box of hair Stephanie Pratt. Stephanie, bless her heart, goes to a Nylon magazine party with Audrina and Lo. She tells them that if she were to ever see Kelly Cutrone again, she would probably instantly die. Audrina and Lo exchange a look and begin collecting empty Svedka bottles to build a coffin with, as the party is hosted by Kelly Cutrone. "It is?!" Stephanie drools. "DINGER!!!" Wouldn't you know it, just then Kelly walks over and approaches Stephanie. "What are you doing here?" Stephanie asks Kelly. Kelly picks up a Nylon and points to the masthead, "N-Y-L-O-N. Nylon magazine. Nylon is one of my clients, remember?" Ooof. Stephanie tries to apologize for her lackluster performance at People's Revolution but only digs her grave deeper, "It's just so hard to learn anything at a job where the boss is never there." Kelly's eyes damn-near pop out of her head and she laughs, "Are you seriously trying to blame me for your ineptitude?!" Then Stephanie shits herself and cries because dats a big word and who brings a dictionary to a party? Ugh...it just makes me sad that someone this dumb actually exists.
In the end, although Spencer hasn't apologized to someone in 24 years (which is a fact I don't know why he prides himself on; to me that's about as appealing as saying you haven't washed your hands in 24 years) swallows his pride and calls Lauren to apologize. Oh Spencey. Don't you just wish Hallmark made a "I'm sorry I told the entire world you made a sex tape and have oddly long labia" card? I know I do. You could always send her a roast beef sandwhich and spell "I'm sorry" in mustard and be all ironic? Yes? No? No. In the end he opts to call Lauren on the phone, apologize and tells her it would be "life changing" for Heidi if she came to the wedding. Lauren says "K, ttyl" hangs up and looks deeply conflicted as the credits roll. Of course because I read US Weekly at the gym, I can share with you that she ends up going to the wedding, but sits in the back row and ducks out after the service. How...sad.
Alright, I'm gonna go jump off a bridge. I'll be at the bottom of the Potomac if anyone needs me.
5.18.2009
The Hills are aliiiiiive, with the sound of Recrap Tuesdayyyyy (la la la laaa)
It looks like Scott the praying mantis/head writer of The Hills actually listened to the constructive criticism I offered him last week—last night's episode had nary a mention of the Stedi the Stach-tender plot line! Seriously Scott, I can't thank you enough. Because if I had to watch one more episode revolving around that busted plot line with that regional dinner theater caliber acting, I was going to smash a bottle of Cuervo over my head to put myself out of my misery. So thanks.
Damnit...I'm going to have to nutshell this episode pretty quickly. I spent a good portion of my morning photoshopping that picture of Scott and I was just informed I need to assist my boss on-site today. UGHHHH...I can't play Snood and make snowflakes out of post-its on-site! Bitches & hos man...bitches & hos.
THE HILLS:
Lauren fired Stephanie and she cried. Which made Lauren cry. Which made me cry. Which made Evie cry. And then we all just cried and held each other, wishing life were easier. It was cathartic, really.
Actually Stephanie didn't really care that she got fired. I mean, she cared, but she cared more that the guy she's been crushing on has a live-in girlfriend. Priorities.
Our main plot line centered around Spencer meeting Heidi's dad. Not Tim, her stepfather, her for reals for reals Dad. The guy who stuck it to mama Darlene in the first place. His name is Buffalo Bill and he's an honest-to-god cowboy who looks like a humanized version of Yosemite Sam. He carries a gun with him at all times and wears cowboy apparel in a non-ironic kid of way.
Let me tell you something about Buffalo Bill: he was not pleased that Heidi and Spencer decided to elope in Mexico. Every good prairie dog knows that you gotta ask your lil lassie's daddy for her paw in marriage. Duh. Spencer now has to win over Heidi's dad so he can ask her to marry him. Again. Actually, if I'm not mistaken, this would make the third proposal. It's like god is shittin' red flags all over the place and they still think it's an awesome idea to get married. Nothing says love like repeatedly breaking up.
Anyway, believe it or not Buffalo Bill and Spencer got a long like rawhide and fringe. They bonded over guns, social ineptitude and child molestery moustaches. While they were getting matching "BFF 4 Lyfe" tattoos, Spencer finally got the cajones to ask for Heidi's hand in marriage. "It puts the engagement ring on the hand or else it gets the hose again," the weathered cowboy said with a tear in his eye. Then they went out back and made love in an outhouse.
At the end of our episode, Spencer proposed to Heidi. Again. On a ferris wheel. Ferris wheels don't scream romance to me. They scream panic attacks, hot dog-laden piles of vomit and carnival folk, but then again I've never been in love. Maybe that's what love is; a panic attack and a big pile of puke. God I can't wait.
Anyway, Heidi said yes, but her "yes" came with a condition: Spencer has to apologize and make amends with both mama Darlene and Lauren. Spencer agreed, they made out, I puked hot dogs and that was the end of that. FIN.
Damnit...I'm going to have to nutshell this episode pretty quickly. I spent a good portion of my morning photoshopping that picture of Scott and I was just informed I need to assist my boss on-site today. UGHHHH...I can't play Snood and make snowflakes out of post-its on-site! Bitches & hos man...bitches & hos.
THE HILLS:
Lauren fired Stephanie and she cried. Which made Lauren cry. Which made me cry. Which made Evie cry. And then we all just cried and held each other, wishing life were easier. It was cathartic, really.
Actually Stephanie didn't really care that she got fired. I mean, she cared, but she cared more that the guy she's been crushing on has a live-in girlfriend. Priorities.
Our main plot line centered around Spencer meeting Heidi's dad. Not Tim, her stepfather, her for reals for reals Dad. The guy who stuck it to mama Darlene in the first place. His name is Buffalo Bill and he's an honest-to-god cowboy who looks like a humanized version of Yosemite Sam. He carries a gun with him at all times and wears cowboy apparel in a non-ironic kid of way.
Let me tell you something about Buffalo Bill: he was not pleased that Heidi and Spencer decided to elope in Mexico. Every good prairie dog knows that you gotta ask your lil lassie's daddy for her paw in marriage. Duh. Spencer now has to win over Heidi's dad so he can ask her to marry him. Again. Actually, if I'm not mistaken, this would make the third proposal. It's like god is shittin' red flags all over the place and they still think it's an awesome idea to get married. Nothing says love like repeatedly breaking up.
Anyway, believe it or not Buffalo Bill and Spencer got a long like rawhide and fringe. They bonded over guns, social ineptitude and child molestery moustaches. While they were getting matching "BFF 4 Lyfe" tattoos, Spencer finally got the cajones to ask for Heidi's hand in marriage. "It puts the engagement ring on the hand or else it gets the hose again," the weathered cowboy said with a tear in his eye. Then they went out back and made love in an outhouse.
At the end of our episode, Spencer proposed to Heidi. Again. On a ferris wheel. Ferris wheels don't scream romance to me. They scream panic attacks, hot dog-laden piles of vomit and carnival folk, but then again I've never been in love. Maybe that's what love is; a panic attack and a big pile of puke. God I can't wait.
Anyway, Heidi said yes, but her "yes" came with a condition: Spencer has to apologize and make amends with both mama Darlene and Lauren. Spencer agreed, they made out, I puked hot dogs and that was the end of that. FIN.
5.11.2009
Recrap Tuesday: obscure blogger mad at other blogger.
Welp. Meghan McCain refuses to apologize for the crude and senseless comments she made about our Nation's capitol and those who call it home. Although she miiiiight be hesitant to apologize because I told her to go fuck herself twice; called her "fuckin' obnoxious," suggested that her mom has a raging pill addiction; likened her father to Hans Moleman before hoping he would lose in the election and taunted her relentlessly on Twitter. I suppose that's not really the "best" way to get someone to apologize to you. But I'm from DC! I'm all socially inept and don't know how to relate to people! I'm allergic to spangles and sparkles! If I'm not talking about politics, I get all confused and overwhelmed and need my inhaler. Telling someone to go eff themselves doesn't mean "I like your hair"? Damnit! I need to go play Dungeons and Dragons and clear my head.
Until I get my apology, MMcC is officially being added to my list of All-Time Grudges. Yea that's right MMcM; I just likened you to Dana P. Feel the burn. Run into me in a dark alley and I'll fuck all y'all up with my badminton racket. Those broken laces sting like hell. Go complain about that, Dana P. (God; I really need to let that one go.) However, as with all who wrong me, the grudge can easily be reversed by making it right. I just need a quick little apology on behalf of the District. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Hell, even a "Sorr about the bag" would suffice. It's just that easy. My homely cardiganed arms are always open to those who want to make it right.
...And now back to your regularly scheduled Hills recap!
So there were three, count 'em!, three plotlines on last night's episode of The Hills. CONFUSING, I know. Let me break it down for you so it's a bit less complex:
- Scott the praying mantis is still milking the Steidi the 'Stache-tender plotline for everything it's worth. Seriously Scott? Didn't you go to Dartmouth on a Lannan Fellowship? Shouldn't your writing be slightly more compelling than this? I mean, I know it's springtime and you probably just want to go frolic in tall grasses and such, but MTV hired you for a reason: to write interesting episodes of The Hills. Not to hang around your tree eating beetles and recycling old plotlines five minutes before deadline. Pull yourself together.
- Audrina broke up with Justin Bobby FOR GOODS, FOR GOODS. JB was upset about it. He packed up his cut-off slacks, stripped knee socks and giant lollipop and skulked back to Oz:
- My favorite plot of the evening was the Lauren Conrad/Stephanie Pratt office drama. The episode started with old LC and Steph walking to work in demin jackets and trousers; bindles on their shoulders. "Now when we get to work Steph, you gotta concentrate OK? Let me do all the talking; you just steam the dresses." "Duhhhhh, hokay Lauren," Steph said as she pet her mouse. "Um, Steph, I think that mouse is dead." "Duhhhhh, I think petted it too hard Lauren." "K...Well you can't have a dead mouse in People's Revolution. Get rid of it." "Duhhhh, hokay. I like to pet soft things Lauren." "Yea...just get rid of it."
After stopping at a creek for a quick drink of water, the two finally arrived at Kelly Cutrone's fashion ranch for work. "Lauren, tell me again about the fashion ranch we're gonna have one day." "Steph, I really have to set up this spreadsheet. I'll tell you another time." Upset, Stephanie started to cry and crushed a stapler with her bare hands. "OK, OK! One day we're going to own our very own fashion ranch, Stephanie." "And I'll get to tend the rabbits?!" "Yes, Stephanie, you'll get to tend the rabbits."
Later that day, Lauren left Stephanie alone to pack up a few garment bags with neutral colored dresses to bring to a photo shoot. Lo swung by to find Lauren and instead found Stephanie stroking a neutral colored velvet dress. "Hey Stephanie, that's a pretty dress." "Duhhhhh, it sure is Lo. I like to petted soft things!" "Speaking of soft things, have you ever felt my hair recently? I just got this amazing new conditioner that makes my hair so smooth. You gotta feel it!" Stephanie grabbed Lo's hair with her big, clumsy hands and ran her thick fingers through it. "K Steph, you're starting to mess up my hair. Let go. Stephanie, what's wrong with you?! Let go of my hair!" Upset and confused why Lo was so angry with her, Stephanie grabbed Lo's hair tighter. "Stephanie, what the fuck is wrong with you?! LAUREN! LAUREN, HELP!" Scared for her job, Stephanie put her massive hand over Lo's mouth and gripped her hair harder. A struggle ensued until Lo's lifeless body fell limp like a dead fish. "Duhhhhhh, I think I killeded her."
Hearing the clack of Lauren's heels coming down the hall, Stephanie panicked and hid Lo's dead body in a pile of dresses waiting to be steamed. "Hey Steph, I need you to run to the store and—is that Lo in that pile of clothes?! Is she dead, Stephanie?!" "Duhhhhh, I did a bad thing Lauren. DON'T BE MADDED AT ME!" Just then, Kelly Cutrone came into the office looking more frazzled than usual. "Shit. Kelly's here. You gotta hide Stephanie. She's gonna be so pissed when she sees this mess." Confused and scared, Stephanie lumbered out the back door and ran to her hiding spot down by the creek.
"Lauren," Kelly said as she took her sunglasses off to examine the curious pile of clothing before her. "Is that Lo Bosworth's dead body laying on that Zac Posen dress?" "............Yes." "Yea, OK. This was fun while it lasted. Remember when I said Stephanie's interview was such a farce she just might be a genius? Well I was wrong. You have to kill her." Lauren opened her mouth to protest, but she knew Kelly was only right.
Down at the creek, Stephanie paced back and forth mumbling about how mad Lauren must be at her for doing the bad thing. "Hey Steph," Lauren said softly. "Duhhhhh, Lauren you're so maded at me! I did the bad thing again!" "I'm not mad at you Steph. Nobody's mad at you anymore. And nobody will ever be mad at you again," Lauren said as she took Kelly Cutrone's luger out and unsnapped the safety. "We're going to get our own fashion ranch Steph. And you can tend the rabbits and nobody will ever be upset with you again." Then, as one mascara laden tear ran down Lauren's cheek, she pulled the trigger and shot Stephanie in the neck. Stephanie fell forward into a pile of sand and Lauren threw the gun into a pile of ashes. "Yeaaaaa...that had to be done," Kelly Cutrone said as she put her hand on Lauren's shoulder. "Come on, let's go get a drink and I'll tell you about the time I partied with Poison at the Viper Club."
Fin.
Yeah. I'm not entirely sure if that was Of Mice and Men or The Hills.
'Eh fuck it; close enough.
Until I get my apology, MMcC is officially being added to my list of All-Time Grudges. Yea that's right MMcM; I just likened you to Dana P. Feel the burn. Run into me in a dark alley and I'll fuck all y'all up with my badminton racket. Those broken laces sting like hell. Go complain about that, Dana P. (God; I really need to let that one go.) However, as with all who wrong me, the grudge can easily be reversed by making it right. I just need a quick little apology on behalf of the District. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Hell, even a "Sorr about the bag" would suffice. It's just that easy. My homely cardiganed arms are always open to those who want to make it right.
...And now back to your regularly scheduled Hills recap!
So there were three, count 'em!, three plotlines on last night's episode of The Hills. CONFUSING, I know. Let me break it down for you so it's a bit less complex:
- Scott the praying mantis is still milking the Steidi the 'Stache-tender plotline for everything it's worth. Seriously Scott? Didn't you go to Dartmouth on a Lannan Fellowship? Shouldn't your writing be slightly more compelling than this? I mean, I know it's springtime and you probably just want to go frolic in tall grasses and such, but MTV hired you for a reason: to write interesting episodes of The Hills. Not to hang around your tree eating beetles and recycling old plotlines five minutes before deadline. Pull yourself together.
- Audrina broke up with Justin Bobby FOR GOODS, FOR GOODS. JB was upset about it. He packed up his cut-off slacks, stripped knee socks and giant lollipop and skulked back to Oz:
- My favorite plot of the evening was the Lauren Conrad/Stephanie Pratt office drama. The episode started with old LC and Steph walking to work in demin jackets and trousers; bindles on their shoulders. "Now when we get to work Steph, you gotta concentrate OK? Let me do all the talking; you just steam the dresses." "Duhhhhh, hokay Lauren," Steph said as she pet her mouse. "Um, Steph, I think that mouse is dead." "Duhhhhh, I think petted it too hard Lauren." "K...Well you can't have a dead mouse in People's Revolution. Get rid of it." "Duhhhh, hokay. I like to pet soft things Lauren." "Yea...just get rid of it."
After stopping at a creek for a quick drink of water, the two finally arrived at Kelly Cutrone's fashion ranch for work. "Lauren, tell me again about the fashion ranch we're gonna have one day." "Steph, I really have to set up this spreadsheet. I'll tell you another time." Upset, Stephanie started to cry and crushed a stapler with her bare hands. "OK, OK! One day we're going to own our very own fashion ranch, Stephanie." "And I'll get to tend the rabbits?!" "Yes, Stephanie, you'll get to tend the rabbits."
Later that day, Lauren left Stephanie alone to pack up a few garment bags with neutral colored dresses to bring to a photo shoot. Lo swung by to find Lauren and instead found Stephanie stroking a neutral colored velvet dress. "Hey Stephanie, that's a pretty dress." "Duhhhhh, it sure is Lo. I like to petted soft things!" "Speaking of soft things, have you ever felt my hair recently? I just got this amazing new conditioner that makes my hair so smooth. You gotta feel it!" Stephanie grabbed Lo's hair with her big, clumsy hands and ran her thick fingers through it. "K Steph, you're starting to mess up my hair. Let go. Stephanie, what's wrong with you?! Let go of my hair!" Upset and confused why Lo was so angry with her, Stephanie grabbed Lo's hair tighter. "Stephanie, what the fuck is wrong with you?! LAUREN! LAUREN, HELP!" Scared for her job, Stephanie put her massive hand over Lo's mouth and gripped her hair harder. A struggle ensued until Lo's lifeless body fell limp like a dead fish. "Duhhhhhh, I think I killeded her."
Hearing the clack of Lauren's heels coming down the hall, Stephanie panicked and hid Lo's dead body in a pile of dresses waiting to be steamed. "Hey Steph, I need you to run to the store and—is that Lo in that pile of clothes?! Is she dead, Stephanie?!" "Duhhhhh, I did a bad thing Lauren. DON'T BE MADDED AT ME!" Just then, Kelly Cutrone came into the office looking more frazzled than usual. "Shit. Kelly's here. You gotta hide Stephanie. She's gonna be so pissed when she sees this mess." Confused and scared, Stephanie lumbered out the back door and ran to her hiding spot down by the creek.
"Lauren," Kelly said as she took her sunglasses off to examine the curious pile of clothing before her. "Is that Lo Bosworth's dead body laying on that Zac Posen dress?" "............Yes." "Yea, OK. This was fun while it lasted. Remember when I said Stephanie's interview was such a farce she just might be a genius? Well I was wrong. You have to kill her." Lauren opened her mouth to protest, but she knew Kelly was only right.
Down at the creek, Stephanie paced back and forth mumbling about how mad Lauren must be at her for doing the bad thing. "Hey Steph," Lauren said softly. "Duhhhhh, Lauren you're so maded at me! I did the bad thing again!" "I'm not mad at you Steph. Nobody's mad at you anymore. And nobody will ever be mad at you again," Lauren said as she took Kelly Cutrone's luger out and unsnapped the safety. "We're going to get our own fashion ranch Steph. And you can tend the rabbits and nobody will ever be upset with you again." Then, as one mascara laden tear ran down Lauren's cheek, she pulled the trigger and shot Stephanie in the neck. Stephanie fell forward into a pile of sand and Lauren threw the gun into a pile of ashes. "Yeaaaaa...that had to be done," Kelly Cutrone said as she put her hand on Lauren's shoulder. "Come on, let's go get a drink and I'll tell you about the time I partied with Poison at the Viper Club."
Fin.
Yeah. I'm not entirely sure if that was Of Mice and Men or The Hills.
'Eh fuck it; close enough.
5.04.2009
Recrap Tuesday/My Birthday Ode to Anna!
It's Cinco de Mayo bitches! I know I'm excited for two reasons: 1.) it makes catching the Swine Flu Mexican Flu H1N1 virus seem festive and appropriate and 2.) it's my best friend Anna's birthday! That, of course, means it's time for my sixth annual ode to Anna M. Hugo!
Sorry about the delay in this ode, my boss wouldn't shut up about her daughter's prom,
It was hard to act like I gave a shit, when all I want to do is get my birthday rhyme on.
Oh Anna my dear, I can't believe another year has flown!
And my love for you has exponentially grown.
I want to take this time to get sappy and express my feelings, if I may
Although when my mom reads this, she'll probably think that we're gay.
Picking my favorite moment in our friendship would be impossible and super hard to fix,
So I managed to narrow it down; here are my top six:
#6 was in July of 2007 when we were two bored little hosts,
22 years-old, playing in a creek and a-hunting for ghosts.
We caught a few, and Jesus Christ they were scary,
Which brings me to my #5 moment: Jill's infamous question: "Is that my Gary?"
#4 isn't the nicest of our jokes, and saying it publicly would make me a mean little gnome,
I think you'll understand if I just leave it at, "I am completely willing for you to go home."
#3: Jill's 21st birthday was the best weekend of my life, and that's not a pile of lies,
Endless Jäger bombs, partying mini-mall style and stealing a stranger's basket of fries.
My favorite part of the weekend was when you shouted at a party, "Does anyone have any coke?!"
From the sea of judgmental eyes staring back, it was clear only me and you got the joke.
My #2 moment came at Gary and Brooke's engagement soiree,
With a "pardon," we stole a bottle of vodka and snuck off and away.
A mean woman in pink decided to stop us, just for her own sick pleasure,
We hid in the bathroom and washed our hands for good measure.
Andy got mad at us; that night he seemed to be in a bit of a funk,
But thank god he introduced us to the phrase, "I am awesome when I'm drunk."
My #1 favorite memory went down on the train from Italy to France,
A googly-eyed Moroccan coke dealer wanted to take us on an unwanted tour of his pants.
I clung to you for dear life, and you clung back with all of your powers,
We were prepared to keep each other safe, for a long sleepless eight-hours.
Just when I thought I couldn't stay awake any longer for the duration of our route,
A French train conductor came in and promptly kicked the Moroccan coke dealer out.
Thank god that kind Frenchman came in and saved us two poor American foxes,
Because low and behold, I opened the coke dealer's luggage and inside was JUST MORE BOXES!
Now it's pretty funny, but at the time the situation gave me a real chill,
To top it all off, Jill kicked out a French hottie, as she was tripping balls on NyQuil.
We've had us some times and I love you quite dearly,
You mean the world to me, and I don't mean that queerly.
I guess it's time to end this ode, but tonight a fun Cinco de Mayo will be had!
Oh yea, and jodí tu papa—that's Spanish for I fucked your dad.
Happy birthday Anna! And now back to you regularly scheduled recrap of The Hills!
It would appear that the praying mantis MTV hired to write this season of The Hills has better things to do than stay in his tree and hone his craft. Rather, he's decided to drag out this whole Stacie the Bartender/Spencer/Heidi love triangle mishigoss that got old like six episodes ago. Things I find more interesting than this storyline: measuring for blinds; organizing fridge magnets; watching a street be repaved; researching the benefits of switching to soy milk; converting degrees from Fahrenheit to Celsius to kelvins; teaching myself the dance from the "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" video; icing a pulled a hamstring; having a good cry; burning some old pictures and passing out in bed with a full bowl of Kashi Go-Lean Crunch cereal on my stomach. (At some point that list changed from asinine tasks to things I did tonight, but I digress.) Come on Scott; I get that you're just an insect trying to write a scripted reality show and we're already asking a lot of you, but something tells me that you can do better than this. Have some pride in your work.
Our episode began with Heidi taking a lovely stroll down the pier with a sailor she picked up at the local Bennigan's. I was going to judge her for this, but then I remembered that she's managed to alienate pretty much everyone she's ever known ever and it must be hard for her to find people to confide in at this point. Plus Bennigan's does an unbeatable nacho plate. You take your friends and nachos where you can get 'em. Anyway, Heidi confides in the sailor that she saw a text on Spencer's phone that morning from—gasp!—Staci the Bartender wondering if he was going to H. Wood that night. "Oh Heidi. You're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be," the sailor said, "But my life, my lover, my lady, is the sea. And that plate of Bennigan's hot wings I just housed down me gullet. Yar." "Well, I appreciate your honesty," Heidi said to the sailor, fighting back tears as she looked out longingly at the ocean. "Heidi if I were your boyfriend/fiance/husband but only if we're in Mexico, I'd treat you like the Mermaid Princess I know yee are. Yee should totes go to H. Wood tonight and see if that salty olde sea hag has the cannon balls to show up!" "You know what Sailor? You're right! I'll get my older, less attractive sister to come and tell Stephanie there's a big, fat hit of meth waiting there with her name on it!" "Arrr! Sounds like a plan. And shall Black Beard be joining yee?" "Black Beard? The pirate?" "No, Lauren Conrad!" PIRATE ZING!
Later that night at H. Wood, Staci the Bartender totally showed up—while Heidi and crew were there! I know, I fell off my couch and choked on a bugle I was so shocked! A delightfully West Side Story scene ensued between The Blonds (Stephanie, Heidi and Holly) and The Brunettes (Staci the Bartender and her two token brunette friends.) At first they stayed to their mutual sides of the club, sharpening their switch blades and making racial slurs, but then—Stephanie's syringe slipped out of her arm and rolled into Brunette turf. Stephanie ran after it and found herself suddenly surrounded by good for nothin' Brunettes. "Get outta here Pratt, we don't much care for your kind here," Staci the Bartender said, throwing her toothpick to the ground. "And what kind would that be Staci? Def Leppard loving, tequila pouring, boyfriend stealing, 'Nettes?" Heidi said, quick to defend a fellow Blond. "You watch your tongue Blondie or the next thing you'll be gettin' plowed by is my blade, not your cheatin', shady boyfriend/fiance/husband but only if we're in Mexico, Spencer!" "Blonds!" "Brunettes!" "BLONDS!" "BRUNETTES!" And then a violent, yet graceful dance/fight sequence broke out until Office Krupke came and broke it up. I'm not sure if Holly made it out alive. The last I saw of her she had just arobesqued into Staci the Bartender's shiv. No one seemed too concerned though.
Across town there was yet another fight going on, this one between Audrina and Brody's Playmate girlfriend, Jayde. Oh Jayde. Her names about as real as her tits. And her tits are about as real as her lips. And her lips are about as real as her nose. And her nose is about as real as her chin. And her chin is about as real as her hair. And...oye...this joke could take days. The moral of the story is she looks like a less rode hard and put away wet Janice Dickinson. Slightly. Ever so slightly. Poor Jayde just couldn't seem to go anywhere this episode without running into Audrina. Which is unfortunate because, you know, Audrina had sex with her boyfriend and such. Fully aware that he was still in a relationship with her. Because she's always had a "little crush" on him. Jayde decided to get Audrina back by doing some hardcore staring and whispering before finally asking Brody to make her leave the club. As a defeated Audrina skulked off, Jayde decided to really stick it to Auddy by sloppily making out with the Brodster—RIGHT IN FRONT OF AUDRINA! ...Come on Jayde, that's all you got? Personally, I would have ripped out Audrina's heart via her asshole and hit the dance floor with some Thriller moves until it stopped beating. But then again I'm so east coast about these things! L0LZ!
Sorry about the delay in this ode, my boss wouldn't shut up about her daughter's prom,
It was hard to act like I gave a shit, when all I want to do is get my birthday rhyme on.
Oh Anna my dear, I can't believe another year has flown!
And my love for you has exponentially grown.
I want to take this time to get sappy and express my feelings, if I may
Although when my mom reads this, she'll probably think that we're gay.
Picking my favorite moment in our friendship would be impossible and super hard to fix,
So I managed to narrow it down; here are my top six:
#6 was in July of 2007 when we were two bored little hosts,
22 years-old, playing in a creek and a-hunting for ghosts.
We caught a few, and Jesus Christ they were scary,
Which brings me to my #5 moment: Jill's infamous question: "Is that my Gary?"
#4 isn't the nicest of our jokes, and saying it publicly would make me a mean little gnome,
I think you'll understand if I just leave it at, "I am completely willing for you to go home."
#3: Jill's 21st birthday was the best weekend of my life, and that's not a pile of lies,
Endless Jäger bombs, partying mini-mall style and stealing a stranger's basket of fries.
My favorite part of the weekend was when you shouted at a party, "Does anyone have any coke?!"
From the sea of judgmental eyes staring back, it was clear only me and you got the joke.
My #2 moment came at Gary and Brooke's engagement soiree,
With a "pardon," we stole a bottle of vodka and snuck off and away.
A mean woman in pink decided to stop us, just for her own sick pleasure,
We hid in the bathroom and washed our hands for good measure.
Andy got mad at us; that night he seemed to be in a bit of a funk,
But thank god he introduced us to the phrase, "I am awesome when I'm drunk."
My #1 favorite memory went down on the train from Italy to France,
A googly-eyed Moroccan coke dealer wanted to take us on an unwanted tour of his pants.
I clung to you for dear life, and you clung back with all of your powers,
We were prepared to keep each other safe, for a long sleepless eight-hours.
Just when I thought I couldn't stay awake any longer for the duration of our route,
A French train conductor came in and promptly kicked the Moroccan coke dealer out.
Thank god that kind Frenchman came in and saved us two poor American foxes,
Because low and behold, I opened the coke dealer's luggage and inside was JUST MORE BOXES!
Now it's pretty funny, but at the time the situation gave me a real chill,
To top it all off, Jill kicked out a French hottie, as she was tripping balls on NyQuil.
We've had us some times and I love you quite dearly,
You mean the world to me, and I don't mean that queerly.
I guess it's time to end this ode, but tonight a fun Cinco de Mayo will be had!
Oh yea, and jodí tu papa—that's Spanish for I fucked your dad.
Happy birthday Anna! And now back to you regularly scheduled recrap of The Hills!
It would appear that the praying mantis MTV hired to write this season of The Hills has better things to do than stay in his tree and hone his craft. Rather, he's decided to drag out this whole Stacie the Bartender/Spencer/Heidi love triangle mishigoss that got old like six episodes ago. Things I find more interesting than this storyline: measuring for blinds; organizing fridge magnets; watching a street be repaved; researching the benefits of switching to soy milk; converting degrees from Fahrenheit to Celsius to kelvins; teaching myself the dance from the "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" video; icing a pulled a hamstring; having a good cry; burning some old pictures and passing out in bed with a full bowl of Kashi Go-Lean Crunch cereal on my stomach. (At some point that list changed from asinine tasks to things I did tonight, but I digress.) Come on Scott; I get that you're just an insect trying to write a scripted reality show and we're already asking a lot of you, but something tells me that you can do better than this. Have some pride in your work.
Our episode began with Heidi taking a lovely stroll down the pier with a sailor she picked up at the local Bennigan's. I was going to judge her for this, but then I remembered that she's managed to alienate pretty much everyone she's ever known ever and it must be hard for her to find people to confide in at this point. Plus Bennigan's does an unbeatable nacho plate. You take your friends and nachos where you can get 'em. Anyway, Heidi confides in the sailor that she saw a text on Spencer's phone that morning from—gasp!—Staci the Bartender wondering if he was going to H. Wood that night. "Oh Heidi. You're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be," the sailor said, "But my life, my lover, my lady, is the sea. And that plate of Bennigan's hot wings I just housed down me gullet. Yar." "Well, I appreciate your honesty," Heidi said to the sailor, fighting back tears as she looked out longingly at the ocean. "Heidi if I were your boyfriend/fiance/husband but only if we're in Mexico, I'd treat you like the Mermaid Princess I know yee are. Yee should totes go to H. Wood tonight and see if that salty olde sea hag has the cannon balls to show up!" "You know what Sailor? You're right! I'll get my older, less attractive sister to come and tell Stephanie there's a big, fat hit of meth waiting there with her name on it!" "Arrr! Sounds like a plan. And shall Black Beard be joining yee?" "Black Beard? The pirate?" "No, Lauren Conrad!" PIRATE ZING!
Later that night at H. Wood, Staci the Bartender totally showed up—while Heidi and crew were there! I know, I fell off my couch and choked on a bugle I was so shocked! A delightfully West Side Story scene ensued between The Blonds (Stephanie, Heidi and Holly) and The Brunettes (Staci the Bartender and her two token brunette friends.) At first they stayed to their mutual sides of the club, sharpening their switch blades and making racial slurs, but then—Stephanie's syringe slipped out of her arm and rolled into Brunette turf. Stephanie ran after it and found herself suddenly surrounded by good for nothin' Brunettes. "Get outta here Pratt, we don't much care for your kind here," Staci the Bartender said, throwing her toothpick to the ground. "And what kind would that be Staci? Def Leppard loving, tequila pouring, boyfriend stealing, 'Nettes?" Heidi said, quick to defend a fellow Blond. "You watch your tongue Blondie or the next thing you'll be gettin' plowed by is my blade, not your cheatin', shady boyfriend/fiance/husband but only if we're in Mexico, Spencer!" "Blonds!" "Brunettes!" "BLONDS!" "BRUNETTES!" And then a violent, yet graceful dance/fight sequence broke out until Office Krupke came and broke it up. I'm not sure if Holly made it out alive. The last I saw of her she had just arobesqued into Staci the Bartender's shiv. No one seemed too concerned though.
Across town there was yet another fight going on, this one between Audrina and Brody's Playmate girlfriend, Jayde. Oh Jayde. Her names about as real as her tits. And her tits are about as real as her lips. And her lips are about as real as her nose. And her nose is about as real as her chin. And her chin is about as real as her hair. And...oye...this joke could take days. The moral of the story is she looks like a less rode hard and put away wet Janice Dickinson. Slightly. Ever so slightly. Poor Jayde just couldn't seem to go anywhere this episode without running into Audrina. Which is unfortunate because, you know, Audrina had sex with her boyfriend and such. Fully aware that he was still in a relationship with her. Because she's always had a "little crush" on him. Jayde decided to get Audrina back by doing some hardcore staring and whispering before finally asking Brody to make her leave the club. As a defeated Audrina skulked off, Jayde decided to really stick it to Auddy by sloppily making out with the Brodster—RIGHT IN FRONT OF AUDRINA! ...Come on Jayde, that's all you got? Personally, I would have ripped out Audrina's heart via her asshole and hit the dance floor with some Thriller moves until it stopped beating. But then again I'm so east coast about these things! L0LZ!
4.21.2009
Recrap Tuesday: If I wrote The Hills
Soooooo to be completely honest with you, I didn't watch last night's episode of The Hills. I was busy at Alex's celebrating two momentous occasions: the first new episode of Gossip Girl in a month of Blair-less Sundays and Alex's triumphant victory over the GREs (as shown in this symbolic photo of Alex's GRE book in the trashcan and the champagne toast that followed:)
60 minutes of Gossip Girl, 1 bottle of champagne and 2 Benadryl later, the length of Lauren's side braid was the least of my concerns.
But that doesn't mean I'd leave you all high and dry without a recrap! And if there's anything I've learned from my painful and embarrassing addiction to Liz Gately produced television, it's that all you need to know about any given episode can be learned from watching it's preview from the week before. And luckily I totally saw last week's preview, which means I am completely up to speed with what's going on! So allow me to fill in the holes with what is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of what actually happened.
Our episode opens with Lauren and Audrina laying out at the pool/shopping on Melrose/drinking at a bar/eating tapas at an exclusive tapas bar with an ironic name/at the Dentist office where Audrina is getting her front teeth shaved down. Ooo! I like that last one. Let's go with that. SO! Audrina and Lauren have a heart-to-heart about what boYz and all the DramZ and how over it they are. I'm sure Lauren was probably all "Whatever, I'm just being true to myself and come what may," and Audrina's all "b0yZ suck!!" until they are interrupted—"Hi Audrina, I'm Dr. Cohen, I'll be administering your teeth reshaping today. Now I'm going to put this spacer in your mouth to give me better access to your front teeth, so just relax your hooves and open wide." Holding Audrina's little hand, Lauren realizes that Brody hasn't been on the show in like forevs forevs. "Have you seen Brody recently Audrina?" "ehhheehahheharheahhhhennt" Damn that spacer. "She said she hasn't seen him in like forevs forevs," says Dr. Cohen, quite used to translating dental procedure mumblings. "Huh. Weird. He's not answering my texts or phone calls. Wonder what's up?" "ayyyuuhhhoooo" Ugh Ok, now this is just getting old. "She said she doesn't know," Dr. Cohen explains, "But...alright look, you girls didn't hear this from me, but I heard that Brody and the boys are going on an all-Dude getaway to Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island this weekend. How funny would it be if you two just show up out of the blue and crash it?!" "OMGAWD, Dr. Cohen, that would be friggin' hilarious! God, why are Jewish people always the funniest people ever?!" "And the stingiest!" (Lauren, Audrina and Dr. Cohen into the camera at the same time:) L'CHIEM! (cue recorder doing a stereotypically Jewish-sounding wamp, wamp, waaaaamp! noise and fade to commercial.)
The last we left them, Spencer was refusing to go to couple's therapy with Heidi, and not much as changed since. In fact, they're not even talking to each other and sleep in separate rooms. Heidi claims the bedroom for herself and instructs Spencer that he'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. "Ugh...I wonder what my power-couple name would be if I were to ditch Heidi and date Staci the Bartender," Spencer muses to himself as he drifts off to sleep on the couch, "Spenci the Fleshtender? Stencer Bratt? (yaaaaawn) Stency and the Jetts?..." Just as Spencer is about to drift off to sleep, he feels Heidi climb on top of him, her legs clutching his sides like a vice. "Heidi baby, not now, I'm tired." (BuZZzzzZZzzzz) "Babe, put your vibrator away and let me sleep." "It's not a vibrator Spencer, it's a razor. Well, technically it's a vibrator slash razor called the Tinge, which by the way, it's inventor has yet to get back to Meg from 2birds1blog about after he so rudely contacted her in the first place, but that is neither here nor there. Because Spencer, if you don't go to couples therapy with me, Fleshy the 'Stache gets it." (Zoom to dramatic close-up of the razor buzzing, zoom to dramatic close-up of Spencer's eyes, wide in horror and finally zoom to dramatic close-up of Fleshy the 'Stache) "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anything Heidi! I'll do anything! Just don't kill Fleshy! He's all I got in this two-bit-world! If the viewers aren't distracted by him, then they'll realize what a freakishly giant forehead and shitty attitude I have!" "Then you'll go to therapy with me?" "YES! FINE! I'LL GO!" (razor stops buzzing) "Ok, thanks! Good night sweetie! See you in the morning!" And with that, Heidi prances back into the bedroom for a peaceful night's sleep, while Spencer takes out a Barbie brush and begins to comb Fleshy to calm him down.
Meanwhile, Stephanie has started her new internship at Kelly Cutrone's People's Revolution. I think we can safely assume that she's going to completely fuck this one up. I'd like to imagine that on her first day she eats a box of envelopes like a billy goat and headbutts a model in the gut with her mighty horns. Kelly probably said something really insensitive yet truthful like, "Stephanie Pratt, you are an envelope eating billy goat and you need to get your shit together if you're going to last one more day around here, sweetheart." Stephanie probably then freaks out and looks for Lauren to wipe her tears and pick pieces of envelope out of her teeth, but as we know, Ms. Conrad has surprised Brody and his boyZ in Mexico with Audrina, and is thus no where to be found.
"Yo, dawg, homes it's so cool you cats like showed up here all uninvited like, dude," Brody slurs to Lauren, as they all take a cool night dip in the pool after a hot day in the Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island sun. "Yeah, well, it's really good to see you Brody," Audrina purrs, suddenly seeing Brody for the first time as the big, hulking, completely not-gay, sexual force of nature that he is. "Yeah, dude, you too Audrina. Homes you look different...did you do something different to, like, your mane or something dawg?" "No. I had my teeth shaved." And with those five magical words, Brody Jenner had fallen in love.
Back in LA, Spencer and Heidi went to their first meeting with their therapist. The thought of having to watch their session is enough to make me want to jog to Capitol Hill and kiss Alex on the lips for nailing the GREs so I could be too distracted to watch this episode. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume the session went like this, except times times 20 minutes longer:
Heidi: Stop cheating on me.
Spencer: No. Stop yelling at me.
Heidi: Not until you stop cheating on me.
Spencer: No. Now stop yelling at me.
Heidi: No.
Therapist: I'm going to go find a rope and a sturdy shower rod to hang myself from. Please leave your check on my desk and get out when the timer goes off.
Somewhere in Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island, Audrina has climbed into Brody's bed, naked, ready for him to come in and take her in his big, strong, totally-not gay arms and make a real mare out of her.
Back in Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island, Brody is about to open the door to his room when he senses what's about to happen and hesitates, possibly because according to a radio interview I heard circa Christmas time, he's seriously involved with a Playboy model, possibly not. Just then, there's a sudden ghust of wind and a cloud of smoke and glitter appear and disco whistles blare from every direction. "What's going on?!" Brody yells, as the stardust and glitter settle and the shadowy figure of a white leisure-suited man steps forward, "Hello, son," says the figure (waka-chika, waka-chika, waka-chika, waka-chika) "It is I, circa 1980 Can't Stop the Music Bruce Jenner. I have travelled through time and space to warn you that if you go into that room and make love to that horse, you will live to regret it and ruin your chances with the Playboy bunny you're banging." (step-touch-turn-clap-disco boogie!) "But, according to something I said on an episode of Bromance, we've never had a good relationship. I inferred that you've never been there for me!" "Well son," (hustle-hustle-step-turn-boogie lady!) "I'm here for you now. And I'm warning you, don't make it all the way with that horse! You shall live to regret it! Heed my warning son! I must go, my time in your realm is short," "No, dad! Wait, don't go!" "I must son! But remember don't lay lady lay her!" (strut, strut, turn, snap, poof of smoke and fade).
What will happen on the next episode of The Hills?? Does Brody get down on it with Audrina? Will Heidi and Spencer work it out in couples therapy? Will Lauren have to fire Stephanie? Stay tuned for next week's episode of The Hills...or just watch a preview online that will answer all of these questions now and save you a lot of time and boredom in the future.
60 minutes of Gossip Girl, 1 bottle of champagne and 2 Benadryl later, the length of Lauren's side braid was the least of my concerns.
But that doesn't mean I'd leave you all high and dry without a recrap! And if there's anything I've learned from my painful and embarrassing addiction to Liz Gately produced television, it's that all you need to know about any given episode can be learned from watching it's preview from the week before. And luckily I totally saw last week's preview, which means I am completely up to speed with what's going on! So allow me to fill in the holes with what is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of what actually happened.
Our episode opens with Lauren and Audrina laying out at the pool/shopping on Melrose/drinking at a bar/eating tapas at an exclusive tapas bar with an ironic name/at the Dentist office where Audrina is getting her front teeth shaved down. Ooo! I like that last one. Let's go with that. SO! Audrina and Lauren have a heart-to-heart about what boYz and all the DramZ and how over it they are. I'm sure Lauren was probably all "Whatever, I'm just being true to myself and come what may," and Audrina's all "b0yZ suck!!" until they are interrupted—"Hi Audrina, I'm Dr. Cohen, I'll be administering your teeth reshaping today. Now I'm going to put this spacer in your mouth to give me better access to your front teeth, so just relax your hooves and open wide." Holding Audrina's little hand, Lauren realizes that Brody hasn't been on the show in like forevs forevs. "Have you seen Brody recently Audrina?" "ehhheehahheharheahhhhennt" Damn that spacer. "She said she hasn't seen him in like forevs forevs," says Dr. Cohen, quite used to translating dental procedure mumblings. "Huh. Weird. He's not answering my texts or phone calls. Wonder what's up?" "ayyyuuhhhoooo" Ugh Ok, now this is just getting old. "She said she doesn't know," Dr. Cohen explains, "But...alright look, you girls didn't hear this from me, but I heard that Brody and the boys are going on an all-Dude getaway to Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island this weekend. How funny would it be if you two just show up out of the blue and crash it?!" "OMGAWD, Dr. Cohen, that would be friggin' hilarious! God, why are Jewish people always the funniest people ever?!" "And the stingiest!" (Lauren, Audrina and Dr. Cohen into the camera at the same time:) L'CHIEM! (cue recorder doing a stereotypically Jewish-sounding wamp, wamp, waaaaamp! noise and fade to commercial.)
The last we left them, Spencer was refusing to go to couple's therapy with Heidi, and not much as changed since. In fact, they're not even talking to each other and sleep in separate rooms. Heidi claims the bedroom for herself and instructs Spencer that he'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. "Ugh...I wonder what my power-couple name would be if I were to ditch Heidi and date Staci the Bartender," Spencer muses to himself as he drifts off to sleep on the couch, "Spenci the Fleshtender? Stencer Bratt? (yaaaaawn) Stency and the Jetts?..." Just as Spencer is about to drift off to sleep, he feels Heidi climb on top of him, her legs clutching his sides like a vice. "Heidi baby, not now, I'm tired." (BuZZzzzZZzzzz) "Babe, put your vibrator away and let me sleep." "It's not a vibrator Spencer, it's a razor. Well, technically it's a vibrator slash razor called the Tinge, which by the way, it's inventor has yet to get back to Meg from 2birds1blog about after he so rudely contacted her in the first place, but that is neither here nor there. Because Spencer, if you don't go to couples therapy with me, Fleshy the 'Stache gets it." (Zoom to dramatic close-up of the razor buzzing, zoom to dramatic close-up of Spencer's eyes, wide in horror and finally zoom to dramatic close-up of Fleshy the 'Stache) "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anything Heidi! I'll do anything! Just don't kill Fleshy! He's all I got in this two-bit-world! If the viewers aren't distracted by him, then they'll realize what a freakishly giant forehead and shitty attitude I have!" "Then you'll go to therapy with me?" "YES! FINE! I'LL GO!" (razor stops buzzing) "Ok, thanks! Good night sweetie! See you in the morning!" And with that, Heidi prances back into the bedroom for a peaceful night's sleep, while Spencer takes out a Barbie brush and begins to comb Fleshy to calm him down.
Meanwhile, Stephanie has started her new internship at Kelly Cutrone's People's Revolution. I think we can safely assume that she's going to completely fuck this one up. I'd like to imagine that on her first day she eats a box of envelopes like a billy goat and headbutts a model in the gut with her mighty horns. Kelly probably said something really insensitive yet truthful like, "Stephanie Pratt, you are an envelope eating billy goat and you need to get your shit together if you're going to last one more day around here, sweetheart." Stephanie probably then freaks out and looks for Lauren to wipe her tears and pick pieces of envelope out of her teeth, but as we know, Ms. Conrad has surprised Brody and his boyZ in Mexico with Audrina, and is thus no where to be found.
"Yo, dawg, homes it's so cool you cats like showed up here all uninvited like, dude," Brody slurs to Lauren, as they all take a cool night dip in the pool after a hot day in the Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island sun. "Yeah, well, it's really good to see you Brody," Audrina purrs, suddenly seeing Brody for the first time as the big, hulking, completely not-gay, sexual force of nature that he is. "Yeah, dude, you too Audrina. Homes you look different...did you do something different to, like, your mane or something dawg?" "No. I had my teeth shaved." And with those five magical words, Brody Jenner had fallen in love.
Back in LA, Spencer and Heidi went to their first meeting with their therapist. The thought of having to watch their session is enough to make me want to jog to Capitol Hill and kiss Alex on the lips for nailing the GREs so I could be too distracted to watch this episode. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume the session went like this, except times times 20 minutes longer:
Heidi: Stop cheating on me.
Spencer: No. Stop yelling at me.
Heidi: Not until you stop cheating on me.
Spencer: No. Now stop yelling at me.
Heidi: No.
Therapist: I'm going to go find a rope and a sturdy shower rod to hang myself from. Please leave your check on my desk and get out when the timer goes off.
Somewhere in Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island, Audrina has climbed into Brody's bed, naked, ready for him to come in and take her in his big, strong, totally-not gay arms and make a real mare out of her.
Back in Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island, Brody is about to open the door to his room when he senses what's about to happen and hesitates, possibly because according to a radio interview I heard circa Christmas time, he's seriously involved with a Playboy model, possibly not. Just then, there's a sudden ghust of wind and a cloud of smoke and glitter appear and disco whistles blare from every direction. "What's going on?!" Brody yells, as the stardust and glitter settle and the shadowy figure of a white leisure-suited man steps forward, "Hello, son," says the figure (waka-chika, waka-chika, waka-chika, waka-chika) "It is I, circa 1980 Can't Stop the Music Bruce Jenner. I have travelled through time and space to warn you that if you go into that room and make love to that horse, you will live to regret it and ruin your chances with the Playboy bunny you're banging." (step-touch-turn-clap-disco boogie!) "But, according to something I said on an episode of Bromance, we've never had a good relationship. I inferred that you've never been there for me!" "Well son," (hustle-hustle-step-turn-boogie lady!) "I'm here for you now. And I'm warning you, don't make it all the way with that horse! You shall live to regret it! Heed my warning son! I must go, my time in your realm is short," "No, dad! Wait, don't go!" "I must son! But remember don't lay lady lay her!" (strut, strut, turn, snap, poof of smoke and fade).
What will happen on the next episode of The Hills?? Does Brody get down on it with Audrina? Will Heidi and Spencer work it out in couples therapy? Will Lauren have to fire Stephanie? Stay tuned for next week's episode of The Hills...or just watch a preview online that will answer all of these questions now and save you a lot of time and boredom in the future.
4.14.2009
Recrap Tuesdays: Better for you than meth, but not as fun as heroin.
Last night's episode of The Hills was about as eventful as taking your Nana out to lunch. Except at least at lunch there's a small chance Nana might not chew her corned beef thoroughly and start to choke. "I'M LOKING! LOW-KINGGG!" She'll shout at you while she clutches her throat. "I think she said she's choking!" the nosy bitch at the table next to you will interrupt. You'll then freak out and only be able to say "oh my gawd!" repeatedly and flutter your hands frantically until a skilled waiter comes over and busts out the Heimlich. After a few tries, the rogue piece of sandwich will come flying out of Nana's gullet and cannonball directly into your soup, sending matzoh and chicken broth flying all over your new DVF sundress. First Nana will feel flustered, then embarrassed and then resolve to take you shopping after lunch to get you a new shmatah because she just feels just terrible doll!
...Not only was that more action than Nana's seen in years but it was a helluva lot more action than the Hills delivered this episode.
Tonight's episode revolved around two equally boring and uneventful plot lines: the love triangle between Spencer, Heidi and Stacie the Bartender; and Stephanie's attempt to land a job at People's Revolution.
Let's start with Stephanie, shall we? Stephanie Pratt is my anit-drug. The next time I'm at a party and someone passes the bong my way, I'm going to take a moment, open the locket hanging around my neck, look deep into the eyes of Stephanie Pratt staring back, close the locket and say, "Naw man. That stuff's not cool. And you're not cool for doing it!" And then walk away righteously. Because I don't ever want to think it's acceptable to act the way Stephanie did in her interview with Kelly Cutrone.
After performing sexual acts on Lauren that are illegal in eight states, Stephanie got an interview for an internship position at Kelly Cutrone's fashion PR firm, People's Revolution. You know, a job that as Stephanie herself pointed out, hundreds of intelligent and capable young girls would die for. Being a Hillion, however, Stephanie was ushered to the top of the list of candidates and scored an interview with the almighty KCut herself. (Not before production had to stop filming to find Stephanie, who disappeared after chasing a feather that floated out of the door and down the street.) Once back, Stephanie proudly handed her resume (which was folded into thirds and stuffed in an envelope, what in the fuck was that?) to Kelly. Kelly took one look at her resume and excused herself to change her adult diaper; as she had shat herself out of disbelief. The rest of the interview went a little something like this:
Kelly Cutrone: "Sorry I just shat myself. It's just that I've never seen a resume as god-awful as this one in real life before."
Stephanie Pratt: "Yea, well, let me nutshell it for you: I want to design handbags and I think working for you will make it look more legit when I get a handbag deal from being on this show."
K: "So you're using me?"
S: "Yeah, pretty much. Oh, unless that means I won't get the job."
K: "Eh, well I'm contractually bound to give you the job anyway. Let me ask you a series of simple questions so you'll at least appear to be qualified. Can you put a sheet of labels into the printer, press print and then stick 'em on envelopes?"
S: "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH MRS. CUT-THRONE! These 'sheets' you speak of, are they linen or Egyptian cotton? And talk slow talk, I'm taking notes!"
K: "O...K...let's move on to another question: do you know your ass from a hole in the ground?"
S: "Like...specifically what kind of a hole in the ground? Ooo! I went to the Grand Canyon once! Or did I go to Grand Cayman?"
K: "Oh fuck this. You're hired. Lauren; if she fucks up, it's your funeral."
Sadly, things weren't going much better for old Heidi and Spencer. Heidi came back from her soul-searching trip in Colorado only to discover that Spencer has been seeing Stacie the Bartender. Heidi tries to confront Spencer, but Spencer is too livid that Heidi ran into her ex-boyfriend while out to dinner with her family to talk about it. Because, you know, having a threesome with Jose Cuervo and a slutty bartender doesn't hold a candle to saying "It's good to see you too," to your ex-boyfriend. God, Heidi. Keep your pants on, you fucking whore.
My favorite scene in this episode has to be when Spencer and Uncle Doug McConaughey are driving to club H. Wood, jamming out to their sicky-nar-nar tunes and talking Bro talk. First of all, this scene looks like it was shot using a camera that just wrapped a snuff film. Second of all, at one point the camera cuts to Uncle Doug McConaughey, who has his eyes closed and is swaying back and forth to the music like he just took a few too many hits of ex. Apparently the same person who forgot to tell Uncle Doug that Ecstacy hasn't been cool since 1998 also forget to tell Spencer that Heidi had plans to swing by the club to see what Spencer's up to.
And Spencer was up to his neck in pussy. Specifically Stacie the Bartender's. And there's no way you're going to get him to go to a couple's therapist to talk about his Stacie-the-Bartender-pussy-addiction. So, maybe, juuuuust maybe, Heidi might actually think about considering the possibility of weighing the pros and cons of leaving Spencer, someday. Fin.
...Not only was that more action than Nana's seen in years but it was a helluva lot more action than the Hills delivered this episode.
Tonight's episode revolved around two equally boring and uneventful plot lines: the love triangle between Spencer, Heidi and Stacie the Bartender; and Stephanie's attempt to land a job at People's Revolution.
Let's start with Stephanie, shall we? Stephanie Pratt is my anit-drug. The next time I'm at a party and someone passes the bong my way, I'm going to take a moment, open the locket hanging around my neck, look deep into the eyes of Stephanie Pratt staring back, close the locket and say, "Naw man. That stuff's not cool. And you're not cool for doing it!" And then walk away righteously. Because I don't ever want to think it's acceptable to act the way Stephanie did in her interview with Kelly Cutrone.
After performing sexual acts on Lauren that are illegal in eight states, Stephanie got an interview for an internship position at Kelly Cutrone's fashion PR firm, People's Revolution. You know, a job that as Stephanie herself pointed out, hundreds of intelligent and capable young girls would die for. Being a Hillion, however, Stephanie was ushered to the top of the list of candidates and scored an interview with the almighty KCut herself. (Not before production had to stop filming to find Stephanie, who disappeared after chasing a feather that floated out of the door and down the street.) Once back, Stephanie proudly handed her resume (which was folded into thirds and stuffed in an envelope, what in the fuck was that?) to Kelly. Kelly took one look at her resume and excused herself to change her adult diaper; as she had shat herself out of disbelief. The rest of the interview went a little something like this:
Kelly Cutrone: "Sorry I just shat myself. It's just that I've never seen a resume as god-awful as this one in real life before."
Stephanie Pratt: "Yea, well, let me nutshell it for you: I want to design handbags and I think working for you will make it look more legit when I get a handbag deal from being on this show."
K: "So you're using me?"
S: "Yeah, pretty much. Oh, unless that means I won't get the job."
K: "Eh, well I'm contractually bound to give you the job anyway. Let me ask you a series of simple questions so you'll at least appear to be qualified. Can you put a sheet of labels into the printer, press print and then stick 'em on envelopes?"
S: "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH MRS. CUT-THRONE! These 'sheets' you speak of, are they linen or Egyptian cotton? And talk slow talk, I'm taking notes!"
K: "O...K...let's move on to another question: do you know your ass from a hole in the ground?"
S: "Like...specifically what kind of a hole in the ground? Ooo! I went to the Grand Canyon once! Or did I go to Grand Cayman?"
K: "Oh fuck this. You're hired. Lauren; if she fucks up, it's your funeral."
Sadly, things weren't going much better for old Heidi and Spencer. Heidi came back from her soul-searching trip in Colorado only to discover that Spencer has been seeing Stacie the Bartender. Heidi tries to confront Spencer, but Spencer is too livid that Heidi ran into her ex-boyfriend while out to dinner with her family to talk about it. Because, you know, having a threesome with Jose Cuervo and a slutty bartender doesn't hold a candle to saying "It's good to see you too," to your ex-boyfriend. God, Heidi. Keep your pants on, you fucking whore.
My favorite scene in this episode has to be when Spencer and Uncle Doug McConaughey are driving to club H. Wood, jamming out to their sicky-nar-nar tunes and talking Bro talk. First of all, this scene looks like it was shot using a camera that just wrapped a snuff film. Second of all, at one point the camera cuts to Uncle Doug McConaughey, who has his eyes closed and is swaying back and forth to the music like he just took a few too many hits of ex. Apparently the same person who forgot to tell Uncle Doug that Ecstacy hasn't been cool since 1998 also forget to tell Spencer that Heidi had plans to swing by the club to see what Spencer's up to.
And Spencer was up to his neck in pussy. Specifically Stacie the Bartender's. And there's no way you're going to get him to go to a couple's therapist to talk about his Stacie-the-Bartender-pussy-addiction. So, maybe, juuuuust maybe, Heidi might actually think about considering the possibility of weighing the pros and cons of leaving Spencer, someday. Fin.
4.07.2009
Recrap Tuesdays takes on...THE HILLS!
Although I loved Chris' recaps, I wasn't in love with The City. I didn't hate it. I just wasn't in love with it. I begrudgingly went on a series of mediocre dates with it, mainly to get a free meal and see if I'd get drunk enough to let The City come home with me. But that kind of magic never translates in the sobering light of the morning. I only stuck with The City for so long because I didn't have The Hills and figured it was better than being alone. And I know that's no reason to stay with a reality show but, what can I say? I'm young and vulnerable.
The reason I could never fully get behind The City was because, well, I kinda like Whitney. She seems nice and normal enough. Privileged, yes, but normal enough. However, if I wanted to watch a privileged girl with problems, I'd just stare into a mirror for an hour every Monday night. Which I already do. It's called "eyebrow maintenance time," and MTV sure as shit isn't paying me $40K a week to do it.
So, sorry if I can't get a sympathy boner up for you, Whit. Your stunningly hot Australian boyfriend doesn't want to define your relationship? Boo-hoo! There's a mean girl at your fabulously glamorous job that I would sell my body on the street for? Cry me a river! I mean, you get your life advice from Dian Von Furstenberg, for Christ's sake! Wanna know who I get my life advice from? A therapist who charges $250 a session and looks like the full-grown version of Vern Troyer aka Mini Me. Sucks.
Unfortunately for Whitney, I like my reality TV shows like I like my men: sloppy and desperate, with a slight hint of a mustache.
And speaking of Lauren Conrad, man I love me some LC. Truthfully, I love the Hills' whack pack as a whole. They're shiny and pretty and tan and fake and come from this distant land they call "Calla-forny." Yes and please! The Hills is so shamefully vapid and fake, I just can't tear my eyes away from it. It's almost pornographic. That's where The City went wrong; it acted like it had more substance than it really did. And what is it that my spirit guide Dre always tells me? Ah yes, "one can not make a ho into housewife. For those hos; they do not akrite."
So, without further ado, I give you the first and second episodes of The Hills!
Episode One opens with Stephanie Pratt and Heidi meeting for a good old fashioned cup of coffee to talk about Stephanie's "fabric class," (read: raging meth addiction.) Distracted by the invisible bugs under her skin, Steph lets it slip that Lo and Audrina are throwing a Boats 'n Ho's surprise party for Lauren. Unable to control her excitement, Heidi pees her pants, hops atop Stephanie's back, slaps her on the ass and shouts, "YEE-HAAAWW! TO LAUREN'S PARTY WE GO, TRUSTY STEAD! HI-HO METH FACE, AWAY!!!!" Stephanie lets out a mighty whinny before galloping off into the sunset that is Heidi's closet to pick out some super spangly outfits for the party.
As the two are in Heidi's closet wondering whether or not Heidis going to get pitched overboard for crashing, 'ole Spencer Pratt and his Beard of Fleshy Colors wander in wondering where the ladies were going for the evening. Heidi replies with an ever-cool, "BLI-I-I DON'T KNOW?! WHO'S GOING ANYWHERE?! WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A BOAT?! I SAID "GOAT," WE'RE GOING TO SACRIFICE A GOAT...IT WAS ALL STEPHANIE'S IDEA I SWEAR, SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME DRINK METH AND BE LAUREN'S BEST FRIEND AND I DON'T WANT TO, OK I SWEAR IT BAY-BEE!!!"
Sensing that Heidi miiiiight be lying, Spencer packs up his beard and goes to a bar with his friend Charlie (who looks mysteriously like a hybrid of Mathew McConaughe circa Dazed and Confused and my uncle Doug,) to drown his sorrows at BoYz NiGhT! However, the only boy present besides uncle Doug McConaughe is Stacie the Bartender's acting coach hiding under the bar feeding her lines, hissing, "PROJECT! PROJECT!" Spencer spends most of his time at BoYz NiGht flirting like a horny boy at summer camp with Stacie the Bartender. In a stroke of completely unscripted luck, Stephanie's ex-boyfriend happens to be sitting across the bar with an MTV producer stroking his balls under the table whispering, "text Stephanie and tell her that Spencer is writhing on the hood of a Corvette to the tune of 'Pour Some Sugar on Me' with Stacie the Bartender!" Done and done.
Meanwhile at Lauren's Boats 'n Lo's Party, everyone was about as happy to see Heidi as a fat kid is to see his gym teacher. Lo steps up to bat and pitches Heidi overboard before lindy-hopping back to the card table to enjoy the rest of the river boat activities.
Back in 1987, Spencer climbs off the hood of his Corvette and confronts Stephanie's ex-boyfriend about texting Stephanie. He's all, "YO YO YO YO YO DAWG, I'MMA GIVE YOU A BEATING, DON'T DISSRESPECK ME DAWG, YO YO YO YO YO" and then his mustache is all "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!" AND THEN! Just when you think this situation can't get any whiter, Spencer bitch slaps Stephanie's ex and a cat fight ensues before they both get kicked out of the bar. As Spencer's mustache hands him an ice pack for his vagina, Heidi calls to confront the alleged flirtations with the bartender. Spencer, between icings, tells Heidi that he just beat up Stephanie's ex and Heidi is so embarrassed she saves Lo the effort and pitches herself overboard this time.
As Heidi climbs back onto the river boat, tears streaming down her face, seaweed stuck in her hair, our heroine Lauren feigns interest and asks Heidi what's wrong. "I think Spencer might be an a*hole like you've been saying all along!" "Well no shit sugar," Lauren responds, picking a crab off Heidi's dress and tossing it to a hungry Lo for dinner. Then, out of nowhere, even though neither of them had any chemistry between them what-so-ever the entire night, Lauren and Heidi have a teary-eyed heart-to-heart about how close they used to be and how they wish it was possible to move on, and oh my gawd I love you and I miss you and maybe if we could just―" Just then, our would-be-reconciliation is interrupted by Lo, who pitches 'em both overboard in a fit of jealousy and mercury poisoning. Sadness. They were so close to being BFFs once more. FIN.
Episode 2 was about as entertaining as court-ordered community service, and I should know. Heidi decides to confront Stacie the Bartender, who confirms that Spencer was hitting on her at the bar, but apologizes for flirting back because she's been under a rock with her fingers stuck in her ears singing "lalalalalalala" at the top of her lungs for the past year and didn't know that this mysterious "Spencer" person even had a girlfriend.
Broken-hearted, Heidi hops on the first moose she sees and goes home to Crested Butte, Colorado to do some soul-searching.
Spencer decides to do some soul-searching of his own and seeks guidance from the man, the legend―Mr. Brody Jenner. The two meet at a vegan cafe to discuss Heidi's abandonment and the conversation goes a little someting like this:
Spencer: Bro, bro, dawg man, like bro, homie I'm telling you dawg, Heidi man, she's like bananas dawg!
Brody: Dawg. Man, dude that is banananas homie. Man you gotta just live your life homie, word, dawg. Man. Dude, just be your own dawg, homie, word?
Spencer: Yo, word dawg. Aight homie. I'm out, dawg.
Brody: Keep it real homie.
Spencer: Yo.
Brody: Dawg.
Spencer's moustache to the camera: This is desperate homes.
Back in Colorado, Heidi goes to a ho down with with her mom and pervy stepdad and partakes in some heavy square-dancing with Colby, a good Christian boy and former high school sweet-heart. As Heidi's mom barters Heidi's hand in marriage for a few buffalo and pitchers of fresh milk, Heidi looks wistfully at the moon and wonders if Spencer might be staring at the moon at that exact same moment....
And as fate would have it, he is! If moon = Stacie the Bartender's breasts. FIN.
The reason I could never fully get behind The City was because, well, I kinda like Whitney. She seems nice and normal enough. Privileged, yes, but normal enough. However, if I wanted to watch a privileged girl with problems, I'd just stare into a mirror for an hour every Monday night. Which I already do. It's called "eyebrow maintenance time," and MTV sure as shit isn't paying me $40K a week to do it.
So, sorry if I can't get a sympathy boner up for you, Whit. Your stunningly hot Australian boyfriend doesn't want to define your relationship? Boo-hoo! There's a mean girl at your fabulously glamorous job that I would sell my body on the street for? Cry me a river! I mean, you get your life advice from Dian Von Furstenberg, for Christ's sake! Wanna know who I get my life advice from? A therapist who charges $250 a session and looks like the full-grown version of Vern Troyer aka Mini Me. Sucks.
Unfortunately for Whitney, I like my reality TV shows like I like my men: sloppy and desperate, with a slight hint of a mustache.
And speaking of Lauren Conrad, man I love me some LC. Truthfully, I love the Hills' whack pack as a whole. They're shiny and pretty and tan and fake and come from this distant land they call "Calla-forny." Yes and please! The Hills is so shamefully vapid and fake, I just can't tear my eyes away from it. It's almost pornographic. That's where The City went wrong; it acted like it had more substance than it really did. And what is it that my spirit guide Dre always tells me? Ah yes, "one can not make a ho into housewife. For those hos; they do not akrite."
So, without further ado, I give you the first and second episodes of The Hills!
Episode One opens with Stephanie Pratt and Heidi meeting for a good old fashioned cup of coffee to talk about Stephanie's "fabric class," (read: raging meth addiction.) Distracted by the invisible bugs under her skin, Steph lets it slip that Lo and Audrina are throwing a Boats 'n Ho's surprise party for Lauren. Unable to control her excitement, Heidi pees her pants, hops atop Stephanie's back, slaps her on the ass and shouts, "YEE-HAAAWW! TO LAUREN'S PARTY WE GO, TRUSTY STEAD! HI-HO METH FACE, AWAY!!!!" Stephanie lets out a mighty whinny before galloping off into the sunset that is Heidi's closet to pick out some super spangly outfits for the party.
As the two are in Heidi's closet wondering whether or not Heidis going to get pitched overboard for crashing, 'ole Spencer Pratt and his Beard of Fleshy Colors wander in wondering where the ladies were going for the evening. Heidi replies with an ever-cool, "BLI-I-I DON'T KNOW?! WHO'S GOING ANYWHERE?! WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A BOAT?! I SAID "GOAT," WE'RE GOING TO SACRIFICE A GOAT...IT WAS ALL STEPHANIE'S IDEA I SWEAR, SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME DRINK METH AND BE LAUREN'S BEST FRIEND AND I DON'T WANT TO, OK I SWEAR IT BAY-BEE!!!"
Sensing that Heidi miiiiight be lying, Spencer packs up his beard and goes to a bar with his friend Charlie (who looks mysteriously like a hybrid of Mathew McConaughe circa Dazed and Confused and my uncle Doug,) to drown his sorrows at BoYz NiGhT! However, the only boy present besides uncle Doug McConaughe is Stacie the Bartender's acting coach hiding under the bar feeding her lines, hissing, "PROJECT! PROJECT!" Spencer spends most of his time at BoYz NiGht flirting like a horny boy at summer camp with Stacie the Bartender. In a stroke of completely unscripted luck, Stephanie's ex-boyfriend happens to be sitting across the bar with an MTV producer stroking his balls under the table whispering, "text Stephanie and tell her that Spencer is writhing on the hood of a Corvette to the tune of 'Pour Some Sugar on Me' with Stacie the Bartender!" Done and done.
Meanwhile at Lauren's Boats 'n Lo's Party, everyone was about as happy to see Heidi as a fat kid is to see his gym teacher. Lo steps up to bat and pitches Heidi overboard before lindy-hopping back to the card table to enjoy the rest of the river boat activities.
Back in 1987, Spencer climbs off the hood of his Corvette and confronts Stephanie's ex-boyfriend about texting Stephanie. He's all, "YO YO YO YO YO DAWG, I'MMA GIVE YOU A BEATING, DON'T DISSRESPECK ME DAWG, YO YO YO YO YO" and then his mustache is all "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!" AND THEN! Just when you think this situation can't get any whiter, Spencer bitch slaps Stephanie's ex and a cat fight ensues before they both get kicked out of the bar. As Spencer's mustache hands him an ice pack for his vagina, Heidi calls to confront the alleged flirtations with the bartender. Spencer, between icings, tells Heidi that he just beat up Stephanie's ex and Heidi is so embarrassed she saves Lo the effort and pitches herself overboard this time.
As Heidi climbs back onto the river boat, tears streaming down her face, seaweed stuck in her hair, our heroine Lauren feigns interest and asks Heidi what's wrong. "I think Spencer might be an a*hole like you've been saying all along!" "Well no shit sugar," Lauren responds, picking a crab off Heidi's dress and tossing it to a hungry Lo for dinner. Then, out of nowhere, even though neither of them had any chemistry between them what-so-ever the entire night, Lauren and Heidi have a teary-eyed heart-to-heart about how close they used to be and how they wish it was possible to move on, and oh my gawd I love you and I miss you and maybe if we could just―" Just then, our would-be-reconciliation is interrupted by Lo, who pitches 'em both overboard in a fit of jealousy and mercury poisoning. Sadness. They were so close to being BFFs once more. FIN.
Episode 2 was about as entertaining as court-ordered community service, and I should know. Heidi decides to confront Stacie the Bartender, who confirms that Spencer was hitting on her at the bar, but apologizes for flirting back because she's been under a rock with her fingers stuck in her ears singing "lalalalalalala" at the top of her lungs for the past year and didn't know that this mysterious "Spencer" person even had a girlfriend.
Broken-hearted, Heidi hops on the first moose she sees and goes home to Crested Butte, Colorado to do some soul-searching.
Spencer decides to do some soul-searching of his own and seeks guidance from the man, the legend―Mr. Brody Jenner. The two meet at a vegan cafe to discuss Heidi's abandonment and the conversation goes a little someting like this:
Spencer: Bro, bro, dawg man, like bro, homie I'm telling you dawg, Heidi man, she's like bananas dawg!
Brody: Dawg. Man, dude that is banananas homie. Man you gotta just live your life homie, word, dawg. Man. Dude, just be your own dawg, homie, word?
Spencer: Yo, word dawg. Aight homie. I'm out, dawg.
Brody: Keep it real homie.
Spencer: Yo.
Brody: Dawg.
Spencer's moustache to the camera: This is desperate homes.
Back in Colorado, Heidi goes to a ho down with with her mom and pervy stepdad and partakes in some heavy square-dancing with Colby, a good Christian boy and former high school sweet-heart. As Heidi's mom barters Heidi's hand in marriage for a few buffalo and pitchers of fresh milk, Heidi looks wistfully at the moon and wonders if Spencer might be staring at the moon at that exact same moment....
And as fate would have it, he is! If moon = Stacie the Bartender's breasts. FIN.
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