Sideoat grama.

Last week, I forgot my blog email password and had to have Meg reset it to “something I can write a song about,” but I’ll go to my grave knowing that Sideoats grama is the state grass of Texas. That’s one of the beauties of a state with a part-time legislature: every 20 months, when the lawmakers convene, they’re so excited to be actually there that they run wild making everything official. Like kids in a candy store, except the children are middle-aged local businessmen and the candy is 20 million people’s lives. It does serve a concrete goal, albeit an obscure one: it gives third-grade social studies classes a lot of things to color in pictures of. According to Wikipedia (known in the business as “I need a citation, dammit”) in addition to the standards like flag, song, and motto, Texas also has a state:

-       Large land mammal (longhorn cattle)

-       Small land mammal (armadillo)

-       Flying mammal (Mexican free-tailed bat)

-       Soil (Houston Black [I name my strippers like I name my dirt: {place}{color}])

-       Cooking implement (Dutch oven)

-       Gem (Blue topaz)

-       Gemstone cut (Lone Star Cut [I want a ring with a stone cut like this and I am NOT KIDDING])

-       Two state peppers (jalapeno and chiltepin)

-       Two state shrubs (crepe myrtle and Texas sage)

-       Two state sports (rodeo and football)

-       Tartan (bluebonnet tartan)

-       Pastry (strudel)

It goes on. And before you pooh-pooh it as “something weird they do down there,” shit ain’t regional. (Note New Hampshire’s TEN state songs.) So, to advance our eventual bid for statehood – the state will be called “LOL” and carved out of some Dakota or other – here is our provisional list of official 2Birds1Blog “things”:

Official birth control method: chanting “No whammies no whammies no whammies” at orgasm

Official cold-water sea mammal (non-mythical): Narwhal

Official conflict-resolution strategy: passive-aggressive text messages

Official emotion: two parts anxiety, one part annoyance

Official office supply named after an autism-spectrum disorder: Aspie’s Clip

Official song: “My password has a first name, it’s K-E-V-I-N; my password has a second name, it’s *-Y-A-N-G-6-9…”

Official means of transportation: taking a cab but claiming to have gone by subway so your friends don’t give you shit for being afraid of the guy who sells socks on the blue line

Official vaginal color: a painful, burning pink

Official irrational fear: that scorpions can read thoughts

Official holidays: Matthew Lillard’s birthday, Larry Hagman’s birthday, No Post Monday (moveable), “Fuck work” day (moveable), Repeal Day, “I remembered that Bea Arthur is dead and cried so I’m not going to school” Day

Official method of suicide: the bukkake cup

Official sport: the five-meter beer carry

Endorsed Ticket in the 2012 U.S. Presidential Election: Lillard/Ulrich of the Thumb Ring Party, running under the slogan “Piss the Russians Off by Making Them Meet with the Stars of ‘Scream’”

Official new method of selecting national officials: whoever does best on a 50-question multiple-choice general knowledge quiz with a BAC of .12. Speed will decide in the event of a tie.

Official new method of selecting state officials: the best two thumb-wrestlers spar with giant foam batons

Official new method of selecting local officials: Hell, whoever walks in the door

Official motto, war cry, all-purpose retort, position on the division of Cyprus and last words: “Sorr about the bag.”