MMM Risin'

Sorry my internet darlings for my absence, I was on spring break. By “spring break” I mean the delightful Chris came to visit me in the Pacific Northwest, because I bribed him and told he could visit 4 states, HE WANTED TO SEE ME! We spent our days driving around, Idaho, Montana, Oregon, and Washington, going to a small town gay bar (where we can never show our face again) and watching excessive amounts of Teevee on DVD.

One of the several highlights of the trip (if you ask me) was a wedding we attended. Chris’ cousin had her union, in front of god and the state, in
Oregon. I was Chris' plus one, or more accurately his beard. As wonder gays who are in the closet around family it is nice to have another member of the team as an insider. What single closeted (to the family) homo would pass up a date that will enjoy a wedding, drink, dance, and make one look straight?

I was quite convincing as a hetro girlfriend and earned my place in history as one of the best beards ever!

Scene: Eddie is 2 bottles of champagne and 2 glasses of wine in, they are at the dinner of a small wedding reception. Only two children are present at this wedding, Chris and Eddie are seated at their table. The young flower girl comes up to Eddie.

Flower Girl: Did you know Chris is a Lesbian.

(Chris looks at me, gets up out of his chair and walks away, I think he said something like “this is a can of worms I am leaving” or that’s what I read in his eyes.)

Eddie: Chris is not a lesbian because he is a boy.

Flower Girl: Yes he is a lesbian! A lesbian is someone who likes girls!

Eddie: No, A lesbian is a girl who falls in love with girls. A boy who likes girls is called a heterosexual…Chris is a heterosexual.

Flower Girl: I’m confused (small child walks away)

That’s right, I told family members Chris was heterosexual. To top it off when I was tipsy I would tenderly grab Chris arm and coon “sweetie, darling, hun please get mama another glass of wine.” I also leaned in close several times to make a gay joke, to everyone else in the room it looked like I was whispering sweet nothings in his ear. If there really was an award for best beard the show I put on would AT LEAST be nominated.

I wish I could quit you,



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