8.08.2011

1 Bird Investigates: DENVER

Remember Meg’s doctoral dissertation, My Weekend in Omaha, which was shortlisted for the Booker Prize and is commonly assigned in college literature classes? Well, here’s my term paper in Freshman Composition, titled “I Went to Denver Recently to Visit My Friend Bobo.” It was four hours late, in 13 point font, and with suspiciously wide margins:
-     Bobo lives near an Ethiopian restaurant that sells food for $1.75 “per scoop.” Down the road, a Chinese restaurant has adopted the same business plan. IT IS GENIUS. I didn’t try this but I hope you can get food “to go” by just holding out your hand.

-    Speaking of, apparently Denver is full of Ethiopians, including the manager of the liquor store across the street from Bobo’s apartment. He has a little trio of flags, USA/Ethiopia/Colorado, on top of his TV, which is always playing spy movies. He sells Bobo exactly how much liquor he thinks Bobo needs, occasionally putting a bottle back with a gentle “No. You have enough already.”

-     A friend of Bobo asked me if I wanted any “edibles.” In my innocence I thought this meant snacks, and so I kept saying, “Oh, you know, just something basic like taquitos or whatever.” Apparently “edibles” actually means “food with pot in it which you can buy legally because of Colorado’s amusingly lax medical marijuana laws.” It took two full days to iron this confusion out, because Bobo’s friend was stoned and I am an idiot.

-     Hypothetically, what do you think happens if you give me some medical-grade marijuana? Hypothetically, what happens is that I eat an enormous quesadilla, talk for half an hour about what Green Day songs would be funny to commit suicide to, and then go to sleep for ten hours. (My conclusion was “pretty much any track from Nimrod depending on the circumstances.”)

-     I know, I know, I’m a child, but I never get tired of seeing animals mate, ever. Denver’s central park was absolutely full of Canada geese just going to town on one another and I got a good giggle out of that.

-     A drunk old Greek man who was bartending at the PS Lounge on Colfax took fifteen minutes to decide that my (real) driver’s license was fake:

DOGM: This doesn’t look like you.

Me: It was taken eight years and forty pounds ago.

DOGM: ….

DOGM: ….

DOGM: …It doesn’t look like you.

Me: It’s an old picture. Look, here’s a college ID and several debit cards.

DOGM: ….

DOGM: ….

DOGM: …. This picture has nothing to do with you.

Me: IT’S MY DRIVER’S LICENSE PICTURE. IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME. YOU ARE DRUNK.

You can imagine where it went from there.

-     I’m sorry I didn’t do a reader meetup while I was there. I’ll be honest: I’d j-j-j-just finished school and hadn’t seen Bobo in ForLikeEver, and I didn’t feel up to the delicate task of getting just drunk enough that I wasn’t cripplingly shy but not so drunk that I was intolerable. You deserve better. For example, I went through a phase earlier this year where every time I got drunk, I started telling the story of How Mayonnaise Got Invented. (See, during the Seven Years War, the Marechal de Mahon was leading the French forces at the Battle of Belle Isle, and his cook ran out of a lot of things so he had to make a sauce out of only oil and eggs, and so Mahonnaise sauce, which over the years…) Everyone talks about how graduate school opens doors; no one tells you it makes you aggressively, intolerably boring.

-     While in Denver, I met my parents’ best friends from their youth, which was pleasant, but awkward:

“How are your parents?”
“Divorced.”
“Oh. Well, is your mother okay?”
“Well, she just had a heart attack, but it was a little one.”
“Oh. Are you working?
“I just wrote a book making light of war crimes.”
“Oh.”

So, Denver! It’s beautiful and reasonably priced. I recommend the balls off of it.

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is your best post ever.

Not Not Stoned said...

That liquor store manager is the single best reason I've ever heard to move to Denver.

What I would give to have a gentle Ethiopian man monitor my substance consumption...

chemgirl said...

I'm going to forward this to a friend of mine who is thinking of moving to Denver!

BTR said...

A lot of me wanted to read "a good giggle at that gaggle of geese"...then I realized not many people find alliteration involving groups of animals as funny as I do.

Anonymous said...

NO! No...nooo keep Colorado a secret. We already have enough Texans and Californians who come thinking it's cheap and wonderful and then spend all their time bitching that there is no beach. You can come, just don't encourage others!!

wagthedad said...

I totally LOVE the conversations about how Mayonnaise was invented. Really. The night I met my wife I almost didn't get lucky; I was drawn into a discussion about Mark Twain, the censorship of the new literary canon in modern universities, and curry with a bunch of Pakistani students. Good thing my wife really wanted me. I think that was the last time she stayed out until 4:30 A.M.

Oh, and I think there should be more of those liquor store guys like the one across from Bobo's apartment. I used to go to this bar in Vienna that was the best rock/blues/record-playing bar EVER, and if you told the bartender/owner that his bar was better than anything Chicago/New York/Dallas/L.A. had to offer (which it was, after about seven drinks), then he would argue with you all night long about how HIS bar was really crappy and you must be out of your skull, all the time giving you free wine from his private vineyard. THAT bar nearly ended my marriage, for obvious reasons...

Anonymous said...

i dunno. this seemed a little...lazy

Anonymous said...

This is also my favorite post of yours ever! Too funny.

Sarah said...

I live in Denver and had no idea that sweetly concerned Ethiopian liquor store owners were so common here. I LOVE my neighborhood Ethiopian liquor store owners, even though every time I come out of their establishment, I feel as though I've just purchased a handle of Jager from my grandmother.

And Anonymous 12:37, I could not agree more. Shhhhh, about Colorado. Tell everyone that it's miserably cold for seven months out of the year and for God's sake, NEVER tell them the part about weed being so readily available.

Anonymous said...

Whoever thought this was funny must be high. Can I pay Meg to write more?

Anonymous said...

Wow. People don't even care enough to write snarky comments anymore.

mrb370 said...

saw this article in the NYT about cleavage wrinkles and breast-support pillows and thought of Meg. clearly this is entirely unrelated to both this post and Tulane Chris... but I couldn't resist.

Anonymous said...

haha love it! i used to live in denver. awesome post!

doing.a.happy.dance said...

I just got an email saying my Amazon order for The Misanthrope's Guide to Life has shipped!!! EARLY!!!!!!! Best. Day. Ever.

Anonymous said...

My LinkedIn account keeps suggesting Meg as a person I may know. I have no idea how or why, but I feel strangely flattered that LinkedIn thinks I'm so well-connected.

Anonymous said...

You guys were doing so well again. Then... back to nothing. Sad. Come back! For realzies this time!

Anonymous said...

Can you do a 2b1b investigates WEN by Chaz Dean?

Anonymous said...

Just stumbled across this website. It's new, but hilarious & it seems like they update pretty frequently.
http://stuffisawonchatroulette.tumblr.com/

Anonymous said...

Bueller... Bueller?

Anonymous said...

I guess you guys are still "Editing" the book Huh?

Anonymous said...

I love Denver, and you managed to make it sound like the lamest place ever. Awesome.

Lars said...

If I were you two, I would be worried about how few people still give a shit that you're not posting anymore

Anonymous said...

Agreed with Lars. This place is a fucking ghost town. At least when you guys got more hate there was still some interest.

Anonymous said...

I feel like we are getting posts only to promote the book, then everyone disappears. It's pretty transparent and kind of makes me want to not buy the book. There are other people that could've been guest writers during this time to support the dwindling loyal community. Everyone is busy these days, just not authors.

PS. Trust me, it pains me to write this :( I think Meg is awesome and am really happy for her...just feel there could've been small posts or guest bloggers as a smarter marketing strategy.

Anonymous said...

But why would they continue to write this blog? They don't make any money from it, therefore it's a waste of their time. It's painfully obvious that it was only meant to go on until they got a book deal.

Anonymous said...

Agreed. Clearly they are done with this blog now that they have the books. Anyone have any good blog recommendations to keep me busy at work now?

Anonymous said...

Have you tried Tomato Nation? I've been reading her for a number of years now.

Anonymous said...

i officially give up on this blog. y'all are no good at keeping up.

Anonymous said...

This blog used to be my first go-to site every morning at work. Now...I vaguely consider checking it once a week, thinking "well there must be something new by now..." ...nope.

Anonymous said...

And now not even the comments are that interesting.

LK said...

Any word on the book?? Wondering if I should wait for the ebook, if it's happening.

Rachel said...

Got my book in the mail today! It's like having a kajillion blog posts to read at once. LOVE it Meg, congrats.

Anonymous said...

Well, At least you have something to read everyday.

Anonymous said...

Done with this blog!

Anonymous said...

Christ, commenters. Quit threatening to leave the blog and just GO already!

Anonymous said...

Loved it. Post more! We miss you!

Anonymous said...

WTF paperback books are shipping early with no Kindle option?! Upper middle class gets shown no love :(

Kendra said...

I, for one, think the fact that people get their panties in a wad over a blog is almost as hilarious as the blog itself...

Lannister said...

Such a good point Kendra! I have literally never heard that before.

Anonymous said...

I love my book!

Anonymous said...

Hey now, don't knock the blog bashing. If people don't come on here to bitch about the lack of posts then there will be nothing new for us to read.

Anonymous said...

Kendra, With all due respect, the people who bash the blogs are actually updating the blog, which the bloggers don't care enough to do.

Argumentative Essay said...

This is my first time i visit here. I found so many entertaining stuff in your blog, especially its discussion.

manhattan said...

i like this conversation .. nice post .. thanks for sharing ..

nazmun-tgtree said...

We have recently begun to accept new members
for 2011-2012 and walk-ins are always welcome.
We have lowered our pricing and now offer a 10% discount
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(with valid ID) and HIV & Cancer patients.
(All our TOP SHELF 1/8’s are capped at $40).
Since opening our doors in 2009 our
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tgtree88 said...

We have recently begun to accept new members
for 2011-2012 and walk-ins are always welcome.
We have lowered our pricing and now offer a 10% discount
for Veterans & Students
(with valid ID) and HIV & Cancer patients.
(All our TOP SHELF 1/8’s are capped at $40).
Since opening our doors in 2009 our
Denver dispensary has stood by
our product and offered a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee.
http://www.tgtree.com/

tgtree88 said...

We have recently begun to accept new members
for 2011-2012 and walk-ins are always welcome.
We have lowered our pricing and now offer a 10% discount
for Veterans & Students
(with valid ID) and HIV & Cancer patients.
(All our TOP SHELF 1/8’s are capped at $40).
Since opening our doors in 2009 our
Denver dispensary has stood by
our product and offered a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee.
http://www.tgtree.com/

tgtree88 said...

We have recently begun to accept new members
for 2011-2012 and walk-ins are always welcome.
We have lowered our pricing and now offer a 10% discount
for Veterans & Students
(with valid ID) and HIV & Cancer patients.
(All our TOP SHELF 1/8’s are capped at $40).
Since opening our doors in 2009 our
Denver dispensary has stood by
our product and offered a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee.
http://www.tgtree.com/

nazmun-tgtree said...

We have recently begun to accept new members
for 2011-2012 and walk-ins are always welcome.
We have lowered our pricing and now offer a 10% discount
for Veterans & Students
(with valid ID) and HIV & Cancer patients.
(All our TOP SHELF 1/8’s are capped at $40).
Since opening our doors in 2009 our
Denver dispensary
has stood by
our product and offered a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee.
http://www.tgtree.com/

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