8.24.2011

Live Fast, Die Young, and Leave a Moderately Attractive Corpse

So we had an earthquake! A legit-ass, LA gangster-style earthquake! And I was VERY much in the shower shaving my legs when it happened. Because really, knowing me, where else would I be when a 5.8 freak earthquake in DC hits? I actually kind of resent how perfectly wakka, wakka! it all was. The only way it could have been better is if I had been about to make my final move in a Jenga competition or if I was an Ace of Spades away from finishing a really impressive house of cards. But no, I was in the shower shaving my legs. And it was a time.

So I was standing in the shower, congratulating myself on successfully finishing my left leg, when everything started to shake. My first instinct was to turn down the music coming from the mp3 player on top of the John, because obviously that would shed some light onto the situation. I’m pretty sure this felt like a natural thing to do for the same reason why I can’t listen to the radio and parallel park at the same time. (Because I’m a ~GiRL~!) 

Once I had established that it wasn’t The Doobie Brothers causing my entire apartment building to shake (although, to be fair, Bose makes a hell of a speaker and Michael McDonald has got some pipes on him...) my next thought, naturally, was TERRORISM: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. It was at this point that I became acutely aware of how extremely naked I was and all I could think was, “Not like this.” I didn’t think about my friends, I didn’t think about my family, I didn’t think about my trademark fiery passion for life—I thought “we’re being bombed, my apartment is going to collapse, and some poor, poor fireman is going to have to fish out my half-shaved naked corpse from under my bathtub and I’m going to end up on the cover of Time like that kid in Vietnam.” As a resident of downtown Washington, DC, I’ve played out what would happen if there's another 9/11-like terrorist attack in my head plenty of times. Typically I grab my Handycam, head to the streets and alternate between delivering cutting-edge guerrilla journalism and nursing the wounded back to health via tiny, gentle sips from a Deer Park sports bottle. Rarely am I in the shower surrounded by my overwhelming nakedness, gauging how far up my leg I can stop shaving before ultimately deciding, “fuck it—I’ll wear pants.” While in completely character, it's just not the way I want to go.

As my bathtub rattled back and forth, all I could think about was this episode of Boy Meets World I saw once where Eric and his roommate move into this shitty apartment and Eric is all, “Dude, this place is going to be a chick magnet!” and his roommate’s like, “Just because we have our own place doesn’t mean girls are going to fall out of the sky!” and at that exact second, the girl from the apartment above theirs crashes through the ceiling and lands on their couch. I was 5,000% positive that my bathtub was going to crash into the apartment below mine, except instead it being like BMW where a hot girl gracefully falls onto Will Friedle’s couch, it would be me covered in generic-brand shaving cream crashing through the ceiling and squashing a gay man or three. I had to get out of the bathroom and find clothes.

I then proceeded to sprint out of the bathroom, through my closet, thereby bypassing literally every piece of clothing I own, and stopped at my bed. When I realized I couldn’t strap a Queen size bed over my genitals, I turned to run back to the closet, tripped over myself, and slammed my left (freshly shaved) shin onto the edge of my coffee table.
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CASUALTIES! CASUALTIES 2011!!!1! 

As I crumpled to the floor, curled up in the fetal position, and accepted that the obstacle course that is my apartment (open studio apartment with AN single coffee table) had doomed my fate, it occurred to me that the shaking had stopped. I walked over to the window, pulled up the blinds and looked around. There was a construction crew working on the building next to mine, so I thought maybe they dropped something…heavy? But no, because the office building across the street had been evacuated. It was then that I finally thought, “Did we just have a fucking earthquake?” It was also then that I thought, “Am I standing in my apartment window at the top of the K Street Triangle gawking at people completely nude?” The answer to both of these questions, as it turns out, was yes. We had had an earthquake. And I was hanging out in the window, tits to the wind all, “Y’ALL FEEL THAT?!?!!” I’m going to skip to the end of this story and let you know that it took me a good 45-minutes to properly clothe myself. Getting on Twitter, trying to call people, and continuing to stand naked in my window like the star of the homeliest little whorehouse in Amsterdam all took precedent over walking 15-feet back to the bathroom to throw a robe on. 

The moral of the story is that I’m fine. A few picture frames fell over. The books in my bookcase aren’t perfectly lined up to the edge of the shelf anymore, which while genuinely annoying is nothing compared to my friend Dave’s fallen Snoop Dogg action figure:
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While I’m glad that everyone is OK and it obviously could have been much worse and we’re all lucky and blah blah blah, this experience did ignite a fiery rage deep, deep inside of me. While continually updating my Twitter feed and waiting for AT&T’s network to get off the rag, I became obsessed with the smug-ass West Coast dipshits tweeting shit like, “Sorry DC, I’m from Fresno. This is nothing. #JustSaying”. The best one I saw was from this West Coast transplant who said something to the affect of, “Ugh, seriously MD/DC/VA? Stop calling people. I have actual work to do.” Oh, I’M sorry, asshole. I know in a perfect world we’d all be like, “SNOZZBERRIES?! WHO EVER HEARD OF A SNOZZBERRY?” and go back to licking the wallpaper, but in the world I live in where earthquakes are rare and loved ones are awesome, it feels reasonable to want to get on the horn and make sure everyone is OK. I was a microsecond away from retweeting her and adding “get in your fucking cage” before I remembered that we have a book to sell and 10% of $10.95 is $1.09 and half of $1.09 is 54-cents and the average Subway footlong is five-dollars and change, so perhaps I should stay in my own lane.

One of my biggest pet peeves in college was a group of people I liked to call “Weather Snobs”. Weather Snobs were those assholes on your floor who wouldn’t let you appreciate how shitty the weather was because they were from somewhere colder/hotter/rainier/literally anything-ier than everybody, and you complaining about the weather was a farce compared to their K-12 experience. You’d sit in the dining hall and complain about the 20-degree weather and they’d crawl over from three booths down, peeing their pants at the opportunity to be like, “You think this is cold?! I’m from ROCHESTER. In ROCHESTER we wear bikinis and flip-flops and roast pigs and thank the Egyptian sun god Ra for his sweltering rays in 20-degree weather, you fucking retard! You’ve never experienced cold weather until you’ve lived in ROCHESTER. GARBAGE PLATES! HOUSE OF GUITARS!” I didn’t think it was possible to find a more horrid group of people than Weather Snobs, but now I have—Natural Disaster Snobs. I’m not saying that yesterday’s experience could rival Haiti or Japan. I don’t expect the Red Cross to come knocking on my door today and offer to replace that wine glass that fell over or give me a Capris Sun because I look slightly parched. I am saying, however, that when you live in Washington, DC (or New York for that matter) and your building starts to uncontrollably shake for no reason, your first thought typically isn’t “ThiS iS gOiNg To MaKe FoR sOmE gNaRLy WaVeS, dude!”, it’s “Welp, they blew up the World Bank and we’re all going to die.” Sorry there’s nothing irreverent or ironic about that reaction. I'll tell you what: next time there’s a natural disaster and I want to call my loved ones to make sure everyone’s OK, I promise to do so while wearing an ironic moustache, holding a pug, riding a unicycle, standing under a string of pennants, and playing the autoharp. And instead of asking my mom if she’s OK, I’ll ask her, “What’s crackin-a-lackin’?” Can I take up your precious AT&T space that way, you fucking asshole?

…That being said, I did have people over last night for martinis and confetti cake, or Earthcake, as Helena dubbed it.
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But, you know…you’re all still fucking assholes.

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

Putting the West Coasters in thier place and calling out Rochester, New York?! Meg, I love you long time.

CourtneyP said...

The only thing worse than a Weather Snob is a My-Life-Sucks-Harder-Than-Yours-Snob. I swear, people like talking about how crappy their lives are like it's an Olympic sport and the saddest life gets a gold medal.

Person 1: "My dad was an alcoholic. I watched him beat my mom."

Person 2: "Yeah? At least you HAVE a dad. My dad split when I was a baby, but not before kicking my favorite kitten in the face. I had it WAY worse, dude."

Rachael said...

Oh my god. I had the same reaction re: West Coasters being jerks about people responding appropriately to something that never, ever happens on this coast, but I'm from Rochester and I snorted so hard, out loud, in my very quiet office, at that call-out. I will say that twenty degrees is no big deal around here, but I do not ridicule anyone (even my California-transplant sister) for thinking it is. And garbage plates are the best.

milquetoastsab said...

But this is why I've moved from coast to coast and then to the middle, Meg.

I moved from Dallas to DC to tell people to stop whining about how hot it was. I moved from DC to LA to tell people in LA that 45 degrees isn't cold. And I moved from LA to Austin to tell people to quit whining about traffic.

My feeling of superiority is all I have left. Don't take it away from me.

(more seriously, I'll take Dallas heat over DC's swamp-of-hell summers any day. Also, I think it's worth pointing out that on the West Coast people, you know, hang their photos and TVs and stuff and build their buildings with earthquakes in mind... something people on the East Coast have no reason to do)

FoggyDew said...

What about something that falls into both categories, like hurricanes? Both a natural disaster and weather. I've been through 13 or so and you know what? They all suck. Except that one in college where we stayed up all night partying.

The only thing about yesterday I'm pissed about is that I didn't recognize it for what it was so I missed seeing the water in the pool across the street form a standing wave. Doh!

mrb370 said...

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm kiiind of a weather snob about snow, being from Boston and living in New York. you wouldn't think they're all that different though, so mostly I'm just surprised at how New York shuts down and everyone goes limp because it snowed a lot. not that the natural disaster snobs are justified, because I got that judgment from California friends and did not appreciate it. :|

Kelly said...

I love the gratuitous shot of your book! Way to keep it real, Ms. McBlogger.

Also, I've lived on the west coast for all of my 25 years & if I felt an earthquake right this second I'd still shit my pants a little bit.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I swear to God, that really was just sitting on the edge of my sink. It's genuinely a good bathroom read.

Anonymous said...

Hey, A new post! and it only took the strongest earthquake since 1897 warrant it. I wonder how long it will be before another post is put up?

The Genius Savant said...

I was...er, uh ... "doing my business" in the bathroom. I watched my dog run around my coffee table confusedly and then hide under the bed for the next three hours.

Laura said...

I really resented how snarky people were about the phone calls. 1. Yes, asshole, I am calling my mom. She's fun to talk to. Sorry yours isn't. 2. Of course I'm calling my mom after the only earthquake either of us has ever experienced! Plus she says things like, "I'd had a couple glasses of wine with lunch so I thought it was just me!" I refuse to be criticized for liking my friends and family.

Anonymous said...

I saw the Snoop Dog picture before reading the sentence about the "casualty" and thought, "OMG, who takes a picture of that and...wait, that parquet floor is huge...oh..."

Anonymous said...

When almost everyone in the city is trying to make a phone call on their cell at the same time, everyone's network jams (not just AT&T). The best thing to do in an emergency is to text people to let them know you are ok. Texts, partially because of their small size, are passed super efficiently over a wireless network so less likely to fail. Not trying to be smug, just wanted to give a heads up to help everyone out in the future.

Anonymous said...

Haha Meg you crack me up! Just for the record, not all of us West Coasters are natural disaster snobs. You can keep your Hurricanes and winters,East Coasters ;-). I'll admit right now, if the temp drops below 60 degrees, I turn into a 9 year old girl and start crying.

Also, I can imagine that after 9/11 when a random Earthquake first hits in a place where they are almost none-existant it becomes that much more terrifying

Margo said...

It took an earthquake to get another post, but I'll take it. Glad the 2 birds are ok!

Anonymous said...

Ugh! Weather snobs are the worst. I live in Dallas and our Senior Director turns into one everytime it snows.

"Well in ChiCAAHHHgo (in Chicago's HORRENDOUS accent) we don't have 'snow days' unless our entire house is buried, we strap on our snow shoes, hop off our roof, and WALK to work. Uphill. Both ways."

And I'm like "Well, you know what, asshole? That's why I don't live in ChiCAAHHHgo. So fuck you."

And then I remember that he makes more in a year than I make in a decade and I shut the fuck up.

Anonymous said...

You hit the nail on the head. I'm putting this up on Facebook to share with all d#cks who made fun of me yesterday for being a wee bit freaked out.

Anonymous said...

I'll admit it.. I'm from CA and my first thought was "Jeez. relax." but then I thought about what I would do if there was a hurricane or a tornado... (or let's face it. weather below 40 degrees) here and determined that it would consist of running into things and panic attacks so I quickly stopped with the snottiness.

And then there was that earthquake at 11:30 HERE last night. that also helped remind me that "oh right.. those ARE a little scary!"

Anonymous said...

Your post totally cracked me up. Keep writing, sister!

Anna said...

I could not stop laughing while reading this! Also I was legit wondering if you were ok so glad to know you are

Pepper said...

AMEN.

I have never before commented on your blog. But well spoken.

Casey said...

You probably won't want to read this, then:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44253736/ns/us_news-life/

I work for the government and legitimately thought we were being attacked. West Coasters might be all high and mighty about their earthquakes, but I guarantee you they don't live in constant fear of being nuked like we do.

Sarah said...

OMG I also completely assumed we were bombed/dying. And yes, I don't get the superiority complex (and gathering your self worth from WEATHER). WTF!?

Anonymous said...

I was sitting in my bed, applying to jobs and wishing I were a responsible adult when it hit. I thought "OMG IT'S LIKE INDEPENDENCE DAY!! WHERE IS WILL SMITH? WHERE ARE MY PANTS?? I LOVE YOU JEFF GOLDBLUM!" Terrorists were the last thing on my mind.

Rachel said...

ur fave husband was one of those, "this is nothing. Ilived through the blahblahblah quake." So annoying.

Mike K said...

Pictures of you standing naked in your window or it didn't happen!

Restaurant RoundTable Guys said...

Thanks for throwing this up on my LAC fanpage! Great read with some good freaking chuckles!

Anonymous said...

This post is too funny, and completely accurate.

I work in Albany, New York and when my office building started shaking my first thoughts too led to terrorism. West coasters just don't get it, and they should be grateful that they don't.

Also, the Rochester bashing nearly made me pee myself.

LK said...

I'm a CA-er and super blase about earthquakes but I think its totally legit for east-coasters to freak out. It's out of the ordinary. If we had snow here shit would hit the fan.

Also- can we get a book news post? We want to give your our monies! I just want to know if I should be waiting for an ebook? Also, why/how is it out early?

L. said...

Thank you. The earthquake was scary because I have never experienced an earthquake before. Even more so because the possibility of an earthquake was barely on my radar when I felt my office shake. And since I work for the government, I thought there was a good chance we had been attacked. We figured out pretty quickly that it wasn't an attack, but it was still scary.

Anonymous said...

Worse than weather snobs are accent snobs.
Yep, this is at you, Anonymous #whocares from Dallas. I think my "ChiCAAHHHgo" accent is awesome. Just cause your boss is a dick on wheels from the Midwest doesn't mean you have the right to go ragging on the way all of us talk like its our choice. Besides, my money's on him not even being from Chicago proper, anyway. None of them ever are.

-Messin' With TexASS

Brittan said...

this post made me laugh so hard that it popped my back.

katie said...

i once had a roommate from Cali who thought she was sufficiently dressed for the Philadelphia winters with scrub pants and a long sleeve t-shirt. i legitimately laughed in her face and told her to put a sweatshirt on.

to quote the End of the World: "California should break off and go hang with Hawaii...Alaska can come too"

Andrea said...

CourtneyP - YESSSS!!!!! I HATE those people. I was just on a first date (that went well, I have to say) and one thing he asked me was to name a trait that I dislike in people, and that was my example! And to expand a little, it's usually the same person that gives awkwardly long and detailed answers when a stranger asks them how they are. The grocery store clerk has absolutely no interest in the results of your last doctor's appointment.!

Anonymous said...

I don't understand weather snobs. I live in NC where the tiniest bit of snow gets us a day off and I'm like, Oh, you're used to going to school in 8 feet of snow? Well, by all means, just head on in to work while the rest of us get paid to watch TV in our pajamas. Who wants to turn down snow days when they are the best thing ever??

Work is Hard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Abra said...

As a Cali native, I grew up with earthquakes so its not a big deal for us. But if there is even a droplet of rain people go fucking retarded and ram each other on the freeway like its the goddamn apocalypse. Last winter, it was supposed to snow in SF (it didn't) and people LOST THEIR SHIT. Same goes for weather under 65 or over 72. And we don't even have humidity or hurricanes or tornadoes. It's exhausting really.

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that last comment is something about whores in russian. don't click it... unless you're into that kinda thing........

Agoraphobic Heifer said...

I bet those Weather Snobs are kissing cousins with what I like to call Misery One-Uppers. You know, the people who ALWAYS have a migraine when you have a headache; who always have bronchitis when you have a cough; etc. I bet they also mate with Meeks.

Oh, and just so you know, I live in Seattle, so earthquakes are a very serious possibility here, but I would seriously have no idea what to do. I'd probably throw my arms out and sway back and forth like I was standing on one of those annoying half-ball balance things at the gym. Then I might hit the ground and assume the fetal position. Personally, I think your reaction was totally justified.

Anonymous said...

I totally get the terrorist worry. But once we realized it was just a mild earthquake, I don't know what everyone was so freaked about. Just bc it's rare here, doesn't mean its super bad and dangerous. Same goes for this punk hurricaine that is house-jailing me by preemptive public transport closures. I am underwhelmed.

Anonymous said...

I guess a hurricane doesn't warrant a post.

Argumentative Essay said...

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Paula said...

Dying naked with only one leg shaved would suck, glad you survived!

ashleigh formerly of cc, currently of oakland said...

hey lady--genuinely appreciate your west coast putting-into-place. cause now that i hail from the land of e-quakes, i must say, the 'earth' ....shaking and making ocean-like waves never ever ever gets any less fucking sci-fi. i will have no smugness with regard to e-quakes! they are effed up and everyone knows it!!

xo.

Anonymous said...

I went to school in Rochester, and even there we had weather-snobs, and they were from Oswego. I'd be all: Wow, this wind chill of -10 really sucks, and then some Oswego dork would be all: well I got back to school late from Winter Break because my house was literally snowed in, like I couldn't see out my second story window because there was snow covering it, so this is like summer for me dude!

Anonymous said...

Not even a TGI Hagman? Meh!

Affordable Medical Insurance said...

I love you long time. I will say that twenty degrees is no big deal around here, but I do not ridicule anyone for thinking it is.

lowercasehill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PainfulSpaghetti said...

I live in VA, and can honestly say, That Earthquake scared the everloving crap out of me! It was terrifying, my co workers were screaming, one ran out of the building. Ok, that was hilarious, but the rest, just scary. Weather snobs be damned!

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'll say what everyone else is thinking: you two were a lot more interesting when your lives sucked balls.

Anonymous said...

there's not even any angry comments anymore! sad

Catherine said...

Dear Meg and Chris,

You have obviously given up this blog. Please just give us a goodbye post and be done with it.

Lots of love,
Everyone Who Used To Love Your Blog Back When You Still Wrote It

Anonymous said...

I'll try to revive some bit of the angry comments that we all know/love/miss dearly in a short and sweet manner: The last three comments say it all. I stopped following this blog about a month ago and today I was a mixture of desperate/curious and checked it out for old times sake. When I saw that you haven't updated in two weeks, I became a mixture of disappointed/confused. Without this blog, I do not have a lot of the laughs that got me through the bumpy parts of my freshman year in college (you know the kinds, when you are blue or homesick or when everyone is busy) however, I also do not have a lot of the let downs that come with checking a site everyday to see that nothing has changed. 2b1b, I feel like an old lover. I miss the way you were, when things were spunky and sassy and just a little bit politically incorrect. I'm not wishing for your life to suck or for you to have explosive diarrhea for the sake of a side splitting blog and I don't want you to kill yourself between jobs and books and this blog but things are so different these days. I had never written a comment before and I am sad this is the first and last one. It's time to go our separate ways 2b1b; it's not me, it's you. (Oh well, I tried to write an angry comment and ended up with a mopey one.)

Anonymous said...

So I guess you guys just want fans and readership when it's convenient for you? I know you don't owe me anything, but as a fellow blog writer - one who aspires to the number of readers you used to have and who actually plans on delivering content to her readers - I don't appreciate how you're sending the message that blog authors are self-interested, unreliable and fair-weathered.

Anonymous said...

anon at 11:01, what's your blog? Maybe I'll check for new updates on your blog, since you seem to be much more motivated at providing new content.

LDunn said...

I mean, I get it. I know that there isn't always time to update the blog and maybe there just isn't always interesting stuff going on in your life that is worth a post (Lord knows nobody likes to read about how life is fine and work is fine, and the weekend was fine. I keep a blog too, and I agree with Anon 11:01 that it does give off a bad vibe about "bloggers" in general to just so totally...not care? I'm not pissed, but I am a little bit sad because I miss reading! Its cool to have a fanbase who will so vehemently defend you too, and I guess those are the folks who are really the ones losing out here.

Anonymous said...

Time to change the name of the site to 2Busy2Blog.

Anonymous said...

@anon at 11:01
I totally agree with you. There are a number of blogs that I have followed for several years. Most of them have had to move their blogs or had some sort of interruption in their postings. The thing is they all told people either that they we moving to a different site or else that they had other things to take care of and couldn't keep up regularly with the blog. That was all they had to do. Nobody expects 2birds1blog to run forever and most of us would understand if they had other Real Life things happening. It just seems like they did this as long as needed to get a book deal and then figured "fuck it"

Anonymous said...

and that's too bad for everyone involved.

Anonymous said...

I love that you call yourself the champagne of blogs now, when all your readers are leaving.

The PBR of blogs is more like it.

Anonymous said...

I agree with all of the above. If you guys don't care enough to update the blog, or even take a whopping 5 seconds to say something like "Hey, we're busy having lives, we'll post at a later date!" then just write up a little sayonara and be done with it. You've got your books deals, but you're losing potential customers by ignoring loyal readers on here.

I only keep coming back (and I don't think I'm alone here) because the comments are more interesting than the blog, or lack thereof.

Anonymous said...

Lame Meg, lame.

Anonymous said...

I've never understood why Meg and Chris don't just take the "time" to make a quick post letting everyone know that they'll be taking time off the blog.

Instead, they make false promises about when they'll post, or just ignore the blog altogether. Haven't they realized that just pisses people off?

Weekendhair said...

I'm surprised their publisher isn't concerned about the abandonment of a blog that got the book in the works in the first place... I feel a publishing company would be prodding authors to do their due diligence by maintaining free marketing while trying to promote a book.

Anonymous said...

When are you going to post about your intern?! I want to meet whoever you chose to help you guys out.

Anonymous said...

At least let us know you are alive. Have the courtesy to let your loyal readers be pissed at you without that obnoxious voice in the back of their heads saying "but maybe they died!"

Seriously. So selfish :-P

Seriously, also, please come back.

Anonymous said...

ya, what did happen with the intern? and also will we get dianes wonderful advise again? ahhh miss you guys. Come back soon. Although it's not like I don't have anything to read, I have your book :)

Anonymous said...

Well, they still tweet everyday so they are definitely alive. They don't even tweet about the blog.

Anonymous said...

Not even the Meg defenders are here to make excuses on her behalf. That's a pretty bad sign for this blog.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh y'all shut up about the blog dying and people leaving. Find something to do with your time, and let people work on their career and other things in their life. They'll come back, just chill!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh ya'll, since when does Meg have a career?

Anonymous said...

Christ. You all didn't guess that they disappeared because they are writing a third book? I mean, this is the third time they've gone completely AWOL, and the first two times it was to write books. I don't understand the confusion and outrage. Quit being negative, whiny losers.

Anonymous said...

why do people say, "that's the best thing since sliced bread?" Is sliced bread really that great? and what was life like before that first person decided to slice up that shit? just a world filled w/ big ass sandwiches? weird.

Anonymous said...

I have also been caught in the shower during an earthquake. To make matters more interesting, it was the shower at work. Earthquake was small, but my fear of having to run out into my workplace in a towel was quite high. I feel your pain!

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