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Well, okay. I just finished writing that post being snippy about people not hiring me, and then… well, here’s what happened.

Giant Camel, who has “marketable skills” and “a pleasant demeanor,” is at “work.” Supposedly “work” is a place where you perform tasks for money. Frankly it sounds too exotic for me, but he seems to enjoy it.

I decided that I would be a good little wife and make dinner, so I got a chicken out of the freezer to thaw this morning. I thought it was probably ready, so I decided to start cooking. And that’s where we went off the rails.

The chicken is sealed in plastic, like everything else in the world. I don’t want to use the household scissors to cut it for two reasons: one, salmonella, and two, Giant Camel. He is “artistic” and I can only guess what bloody craft scissors will inspire in a person who keeps bleached oxtail bones on the toaster oven “just in case” and who once said to me: “Oh, I was saving my hair from my comb in a Ziploc bag to make a little decorative bird’s nest for you, but I think I left the bag in the car when you gave it to charity. Oh, well.”

So I get a steak knife out of the dishwasher. This steak knife is special to me because one Easter, my grandmother sent me a box of household goods and two sweaters. On top was the steak knife, attached to a note: “I thought you could use this for something.” You know, something. Maybe steak, maybe not, you know how people are up there. Something. Now, I put silverware in the washer business-end-up, so the eating surface is more exposed and more likely to get clean. This means that occasionally you stick yourself with a knife, as I did this evening. I proceeded to yell, drop the knife so that it skittered into the back floor of the dishwasher, and then realize I wasn’t really hurt. No, I actually hurt myself leaning into the dishwasher to get the knife out.

So the knife and I are finally ready to free the chicken. So off we go. Do I pierce the plastic so that a little jet of chicken blood shoots out at me? Of course. Do I startle and drop the chicken into the colander? Of course. I eventually get the chicken out and go to extract the giblets. When they’re at work, they’re organs; when they’re shoved back in and left in a pile, they’re giblets. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could avoid getting to eighth base with the chicken and kind of gloosh the giblets out by shaking the bird, like with canned goods. Well, watery chicken blood sprayed further but only something I assume was a pancreas flopped out. I showed to my own pancreas as a cautionary tale – “if you stop working, you end up like this!” Of course, the remaining giblets were still frozen into the bird, so I had to reach in and peel them out with that two-fingered come-hither/g-spot motion.

Then, I do the Salmonella Dance, a feisty little Latin number involving turning the faucet on with my elbow, rinsing my hands, getting the bottle of detergent without really TOUCHING it, washing hands, washing bottle, washing everything. It carries through the entire chicken preparation process – get the cooking sherry, pour it on the bird, pour shake the pepper on, smooth the pepper across the bird, reach for the cooking sherry, remember you have salmonella literally all over your body, wash everything, forget if your hands are wet with water or bird juice, rinse, repeat.

So I get the damn thing herbed. I yell at Giant Camel – who is not here – for using all of the special seasoned salt I got for my birthday. This more than anything may be a sign of my coming crack-up. I got upset because we were almost out of the special seasoned salt. This is even worse than being the kind of person who gets seasoned salt for his birthday and is pleased. I add a little chug-a-lug of cooking sherry, then seal the bird into the pan with foil. I have to wedge it in because it’s a little round cake pan and tuck the foil around the bird like it’s bedtime. Then, of course, I have to do the Salmonella Dance.

I did preheat the oven. I did not check the racks before I preheated the oven. The bird won’t fit so I decide – 1540 on my GREs, ladies and gentlemen – I decide the best thing to do is fold up a tea towel, take the top rack, extract it, run into the bathroom while chanting “no whammies no whammies no whammies,” and run the shower on it cold. Then I can, you know, just set it aside. Did I note where the shower head was pointed? No. Did I turn it directly on my head? Yes.

I leave the now-cool oven rack in the bathroom and drip my way back into the kitchen to put the bird into the oven. I do a final round of the Salmonella Dance. I forget to move the giblet-heavy colander out of the way and get suds all over the pile of organs, nixing the potential for gravy. Having forgotten the tea towel in the bathroom, I dry my hands on my pants and then wonder if that’s “sanitary.” My boyfriend and I share underwear because medium Hanes boxer-briefs all look alike, but God forbid I get germs on my jeans.

I then proceed to tell thousands of strangers how goofy and Lucille Ball-like a cook I am – and I haven’t even started on the carrots! Join me next week, when I plan to somehow drown while trying to make baked fish and green beans.

153 comments:

Becky said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this much have been extremely frustrating when it happened, but I am still rolling around laughing. You have to copy write the phrase Salmonella Dance. That's just genius. I hope it was a freain amazing chicken dinner after all that fight to get it cooked.

spiceweasel said...

I just overcame my distate for handling raw chicken within the last 5 years (not that I enjoy it now, but it's managable) so I completely understand the Salmonella Dance. I've never purchased a whole, raw chicken so I had no idea until this morning they came with giblets like turkeys. The more you know!

Also, I was taught to put silverware handle-up so that you don't have to touch the eating part to take them back out, but having had 12,783 roommates has taught me that a lot of people do it your way - leading me to stab myself repeatedly (the worst was one who would put a long, thin fruit knife in there, blade up, just lying in wait to invisibly slice your tender flesh). I wonder if anyone has ever done the research to see if one way is cleaner and more sanitary?

Anonymous said...

where's meg??

Lex said...

I laughed so hard. So hard.

Mariah said...

hee. I wheezed. I don't think I've laughed that hard since your neti-pot blog. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Love the story, but you shouldn't wash raw chicken. That just spreads more bacteria around the kitchen. Cooking the chicken will kill anything you're worried about.

Hayley said...

You all share underwear? LMAO.

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Anonymous said...

Whereeeeeee is Meg? Chris just doesn't do it for me. When I see the blue text, I'm so bummed. Sorry TC.

Anonymous said...

Watching this blog die makes me sad.

Disappointed in DC said...

more like two birds, no blog.

Anonymous said...

Not even a post about the momentus return of J.R.? Sad.

lauren said...

Yeah I was gonna say I can't stop hearing about Larry Hagman everywhere now... except this blog...

Anonymous said...

I know that this plea will sound really crazy but here it goes. The other night I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me. I keep coming to this site hoping that you will post something that will make me smile. I could really use a laugh right now and nothing makes me laugh like this blog does. Sorry to be dramatic but I thought maybe if you guys know how much this blog means to people and how much joy the blog has brought to people's lives then maybe you would be inspired to post more often.

Anonymous said...

Sorr about the blog.

Cara said...

Wow, finally someone else who cooks like me! except yours is definitely more entertaining because I'm not so stressed out :D

Anonymous said...

If you're looking for Chris or Meg, they don't come round here no more.

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Anonymous said...

This blog is taking up valuable internets that could be used by bloggers that actually post. It is irresponsible to keep it active. THINK OF THE INTERNET WASTE!!

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Goodbye Andy Griffiths. :(

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Anonymous said...

Wowwww. Crazy to think I only check this like I dunno...never bc u never post anything. But geeeeeeez I was really bummed to see that since the last time time I checked this in MAY there have been like maybe 2 posts. Y'all should let you readers know what's up so ppl don't keeping checking for something that is there.
Plus if you wait a month between posts, unless that one is going to be epic...its kind of a let down more than it is exciting.

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*isn't
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Anonymous said...

http://www.amazon.com/Meghan-Rowland/e/B005HLYWC4

...actually, no.


Actually, she takes our money for two years, and then up and quits blogging once her "career" as a published "writer" "takes off."


If you're looking for a good laugh, check out any of the countless posts in the archive where she "values her readership."

Caitlin said...

When good television shows go off air people are sad but accept it. When series of books that are written end, same thing.

How is this any different? I for one do not understand the need to pressure her or Chris to keep writing. What did you guys think, they were going to do this forever? Not to mention, I wouldn't want to write for you assholes! At least they get some sort of compensation for their books, here they just get complaints. I love the blog as much as anyone, but it's not the end of the world.

So in short, you all should stop being cocksuckers.

Anonymous said...

I don't want to speak for everyone, but personally, I would not mind if Meg ended the blog. If they were to post that they were done writing, i think most readers would be able to accept that. The problem I have is that she keeps coming back promising to post regularly and asking us to vote 2b1b for best blog awards and then never posting.

Anonymous said...

Agreed. Good television shows and book series let you know they are ending. They don't just disappear and pop back in from time to time and get your hopes back up, just to fade out again. Just say it's ending if it is. Asking for that is not that much. And I'll suck cock if I want to, thank you very much.

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phryGian said...

When are you guys coming back? I miss you!

Anonymous said...

At least remove the donate link

SC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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did meg die?

Anonymous said...

yes.

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How is this any different? I for one do not understand the need to pressure her or Chris to keep writing. What did you guys think, they were going to do this forever? Not to mention, I wouldn't want to write for you assholes! At least they get some sort of compensation for their books, here they just get complaints. I love the blog as much as anyone, but it's not the end of the world.
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Anonymous said...

Cici...i don't think anyone even cares anymore.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sad there's no posts. And I like Tulane Chris' posts just as much as Meg's...

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Todd said...

Larry Hagman is dead! Where's Meg?!?!

Anonymous said...

Larry Hagman dies and the first place I go to is 2b1b.

Great -- and they ain't even here.

Anonymous said...

LH dies and you aren't even here?!?!?

Emily G. said...

I just came here for the same reason! Larry :(

Anonymous said...

Sorr to hear about Larry Hagman. Long live JR and 2 birds!

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